Cameron left to Kansas Friday afternoon for some stupid van for the band, and Dorian actually slept peacefully Friday night and was excellent all day Saturday. Cameron gets back around 11:30 Saturday night, starts getting ready for bed around 1 a.m and Dorian wakes up screaming and crying with nothing calming him or soothing him. I just don't fucking get what the issue is, and then to make matters worse Booger pukes in the living room and I've got horrible gas so Cameron's got to comment on that. The guy he bought the van from is a complete player who apparently dates porn stars and whores, showing Cameron pictures of these bitches and allowing Cameron to sleep at one of the many houses he is selling.... God only knows what went on that I'll never know about. I don't freaking feel good, I don't remember bringing Dorian into bed with me and I have no idea why he is behaving like this especially after Friday night going so well. I am pretty much going to be up all morning ( it is 2:00 a.m now) just so Cameron can get his sleep since he's been driving since noon Saturday and hasn't had any real sleep since Thursday night. Mainly because I don't want to hear his comments each time Dorian will wake up and cry, so I am most likely going to just fall asleep on the couch or just stay up all night.
I have to run 8 miles at some point today, there's a chance things are going to be iced over and the temps aren't going to really go above 30 but I am already used to that. I'll have mom watch him and probably do it around 2 p.m, hopefully I'll have slept a little by then.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Oh the life
The world did not end, go figure so I get to watch my son grow up a little more thank God. Christmas was fine, didn't spend too much though Cameron gave a $100 each to his 3 kids so there went $300 but oh well it's Christmas and I got the lens I wanted and a few other items for my camera gear recently so I am fine with it. My little boy enjoyed his first Christmas and being around everyone and so did I, my grandfather did well in his surgery last Friday so now he can go to the bathroom without any problems. My runs have been going well though I cannot seem to get below 140 lbs, but hopefully after the New Year and all the tasty snacks are gone I can actually start to lose more weight.
Cameron wants to spend money and get a van and trailer for his band, he wants to start doing shows again because "that is the only break he'll get from the shop and business", I hope my sarcasm and skepticism is obvious because that is how I feel. There is more to life than the shop, or sitting in his recliner on his off days or doing shows getting out there in front of drunk, skanky chicks which is the main drive for the majority of them, and probably the only way he'll get back in to shape if he does decide to. It's pretty sad that it'll take other women to encourage my own husband to get back into shape, not me. He's a complete attention ham, he's just got to be in the spotlight and entertaining or performing. Well, maybe there'll be more people to watch around Spring or Summer next year, once the boys' friends will be turning 21 (as will the skanks they know) and they'll be able to to come out to the bars.
I am going to try and not worry about any of it though, I mean there is nothing I can do and I don't really want to worry over my insecurities. I have many races next year to train for, I have my son's 1st birthday coming up in less than 4 months and he is growing up so fast. Watching him grow has been amazing, the first time our eyes met, his first smiles, coos and crawling. His first bath, his first time with solid food, everything. He means more to me than whatever could possibly be going on elsewhere.
Cameron wants to spend money and get a van and trailer for his band, he wants to start doing shows again because "that is the only break he'll get from the shop and business", I hope my sarcasm and skepticism is obvious because that is how I feel. There is more to life than the shop, or sitting in his recliner on his off days or doing shows getting out there in front of drunk, skanky chicks which is the main drive for the majority of them, and probably the only way he'll get back in to shape if he does decide to. It's pretty sad that it'll take other women to encourage my own husband to get back into shape, not me. He's a complete attention ham, he's just got to be in the spotlight and entertaining or performing. Well, maybe there'll be more people to watch around Spring or Summer next year, once the boys' friends will be turning 21 (as will the skanks they know) and they'll be able to to come out to the bars.
I am going to try and not worry about any of it though, I mean there is nothing I can do and I don't really want to worry over my insecurities. I have many races next year to train for, I have my son's 1st birthday coming up in less than 4 months and he is growing up so fast. Watching him grow has been amazing, the first time our eyes met, his first smiles, coos and crawling. His first bath, his first time with solid food, everything. He means more to me than whatever could possibly be going on elsewhere.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
I Will See You Again
Thirteen years just didn't seem long enough, I feel cheated and that you were taken from me too soon. But part of me knows you aren't really gone, just your body while your spirit is still by my side.... ready for another one of our adventures.
How great they all were, every one of them and I just lose count trying to think about it. You went everywhere with me, did so much with me and I was able to live a life I could never live through you. Watching you race through the woods, splashing in the water and chasing whatever animal you could get close enough, you were so free and so happy.
That intense gaze of your's will forever burn in my soul, every time you would look at me, you knew what I really wanted even when I denied it and you wouldn't leave me alone until I gave in. You knew how badly I wanted to go out in the woods, out for an aimless drive in the countryside just to see where we'd end up, you knew it and wanted it just as much.
After a few years and so many months of praying for a dog like you, a dog that wouldn't quit, that was willing to run forever.. God blessed me with you, he answered my prayers and in a way gave me my twin in a canine form. My better, wild half is, was and will always be you.
I remember that day, that very first day our eyes met. My brother was riding down a porch on his bike, as I stood on the road in my roller blades watching him, I felt a pair eyes just watching me and so I searched and there you were. Sitting in a driveway just watching me so intently, so content you had found your kindred spirit and you weren't going anywhere. It was history from that point on, history that would not have been made without you.
God gave me you, gave me an angel to keep watch over me when times became too dark for me to see, there were so many moments I was ready to give up but you were always there by my side reminding that there is much more in life than what's in front of me and you were right. Thanks to you, saving my life so many times in ways some just can't understand, I have been blessed with another angel in my life.
I knew your time here was crucial, and I knew you wouldn't leave me until you knew in your heart that I could survive through your death, I knew it years ago and I could see it in your eyes when he was born. It was only a matter of time before I would have to say goodbye to you, before you were sure that I would be okay. I can't begin to thank you enough, I can't begin to tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me but I hope that you knew this all along. Molly you were truly something special, a guardian angel that stories are written about, you touched so many hearts and you memories will remain with us.
I will not say goodbye, but I wish you well and I hope you are in a place where the woods are endless, the fields are full of animals to chase and you will never feel tired again. Molly I will see you again, in eternity.
How great they all were, every one of them and I just lose count trying to think about it. You went everywhere with me, did so much with me and I was able to live a life I could never live through you. Watching you race through the woods, splashing in the water and chasing whatever animal you could get close enough, you were so free and so happy.
That intense gaze of your's will forever burn in my soul, every time you would look at me, you knew what I really wanted even when I denied it and you wouldn't leave me alone until I gave in. You knew how badly I wanted to go out in the woods, out for an aimless drive in the countryside just to see where we'd end up, you knew it and wanted it just as much.
After a few years and so many months of praying for a dog like you, a dog that wouldn't quit, that was willing to run forever.. God blessed me with you, he answered my prayers and in a way gave me my twin in a canine form. My better, wild half is, was and will always be you.
I remember that day, that very first day our eyes met. My brother was riding down a porch on his bike, as I stood on the road in my roller blades watching him, I felt a pair eyes just watching me and so I searched and there you were. Sitting in a driveway just watching me so intently, so content you had found your kindred spirit and you weren't going anywhere. It was history from that point on, history that would not have been made without you.
God gave me you, gave me an angel to keep watch over me when times became too dark for me to see, there were so many moments I was ready to give up but you were always there by my side reminding that there is much more in life than what's in front of me and you were right. Thanks to you, saving my life so many times in ways some just can't understand, I have been blessed with another angel in my life.
I knew your time here was crucial, and I knew you wouldn't leave me until you knew in your heart that I could survive through your death, I knew it years ago and I could see it in your eyes when he was born. It was only a matter of time before I would have to say goodbye to you, before you were sure that I would be okay. I can't begin to thank you enough, I can't begin to tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me but I hope that you knew this all along. Molly you were truly something special, a guardian angel that stories are written about, you touched so many hearts and you memories will remain with us.
I will not say goodbye, but I wish you well and I hope you are in a place where the woods are endless, the fields are full of animals to chase and you will never feel tired again. Molly I will see you again, in eternity.
Molly's Passing
At around 2:00 a.m this morning Molly finally passed away, and she did it at home. She was getting so bad Thursday that I thought I was going to wake up to her gone Friday, but she kept hanging on. I think she knew Cameron and I had made the decision final to take her in Monday and she was determined not to go like that. Molly had so much fight in her, she might have been a mutt breed but her heart and soul was all Siberian Husky and she was determined to do it her way. The last two times we thought we were going to have to put her down, she would perk up immediately and I thought maybe she was just going through some rough time but now I know she was just determined not to be taken in and put down in a cold room, in a place she hasn't had the greatest memories in over the past few months.
It still doesn't feel real, I just don't want to believe that she is gone. I was almost 12 years old when she found me, she was 7 months old, back in '99 and for 13 years she had been by my side, on adventure after adventure, I always made sure to buy the best food for her, buying treats that were healthy and wholesome and I always made sure that she had her annual visits to the vet, and ones when she was having trouble. She got to be a real dog, a real husky running around in the woods on an almost daily basis. My husband used to call her 4 Wheel Drive, back where we used to live, there were these 90 degree angle hills, might have well been walls of dirt that she would just run up with no effort, she made it look so easy. Where ever she is, I hope she is running through the woods and splashing in the water, I hope she has all the dead things to roll in and it is a perfectly cool temperature for her. She deserves the best, she was the greatest dog for me, she was awesome and unforgettable.
I don't know how I am going to do this, but I've got to be strong for Dorian, Molly would have wanted me strong and determined.
Rest in Peace Molly
Born November of 1998
Passed Away December 02, 2012
It still doesn't feel real, I just don't want to believe that she is gone. I was almost 12 years old when she found me, she was 7 months old, back in '99 and for 13 years she had been by my side, on adventure after adventure, I always made sure to buy the best food for her, buying treats that were healthy and wholesome and I always made sure that she had her annual visits to the vet, and ones when she was having trouble. She got to be a real dog, a real husky running around in the woods on an almost daily basis. My husband used to call her 4 Wheel Drive, back where we used to live, there were these 90 degree angle hills, might have well been walls of dirt that she would just run up with no effort, she made it look so easy. Where ever she is, I hope she is running through the woods and splashing in the water, I hope she has all the dead things to roll in and it is a perfectly cool temperature for her. She deserves the best, she was the greatest dog for me, she was awesome and unforgettable.
I don't know how I am going to do this, but I've got to be strong for Dorian, Molly would have wanted me strong and determined.
Rest in Peace Molly
Born November of 1998
Passed Away December 02, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
The Latest in Updates
Molly is doing well, perhaps even better than she was a couple of weeks ago; I think she is really enjoying the cold weather. I am so happy I didn't take her in last Monday, I knew in my heart she wasn't ready to go and it would have been wrong. I've been regularly taking her and Rocky out in the woods behind the shop, only for about 10 or 20 minutes, she really enjoys it.
Dorian is really getting the hang of crawling now, and other milestones. He is definitely a crack head and I am going to have to keep a really close eye on him, which I have no problem doing anyways. He hasn't cut any teeth yet, but is constantly teething so I am wondering when the first one will come through. My milk supply is completely dried up now, I barely made it to his 7 months this past Tuesday. It sucks, I really want to nurse him for a year but that won't happen now. He is healthy and strong, and I pray it stays that way.
I am down to 140 lbs, and down to a size 5 in jeans. I'm going to need XS sweat pants now too, I purchased mediums a week ago to find they were too big, so I purchased smalls and they're still too loose for my taste. Losing weight and getting back into shape is expensive lol.
Yesterday I ran 5 miles for the first time since September, probably my fastest too (at least that I can think of). My left knee did start to ache around mile 3 but not bad enough to cause me to stop.
Dorian is really getting the hang of crawling now, and other milestones. He is definitely a crack head and I am going to have to keep a really close eye on him, which I have no problem doing anyways. He hasn't cut any teeth yet, but is constantly teething so I am wondering when the first one will come through. My milk supply is completely dried up now, I barely made it to his 7 months this past Tuesday. It sucks, I really want to nurse him for a year but that won't happen now. He is healthy and strong, and I pray it stays that way.
I am down to 140 lbs, and down to a size 5 in jeans. I'm going to need XS sweat pants now too, I purchased mediums a week ago to find they were too big, so I purchased smalls and they're still too loose for my taste. Losing weight and getting back into shape is expensive lol.
Yesterday I ran 5 miles for the first time since September, probably my fastest too (at least that I can think of). My left knee did start to ache around mile 3 but not bad enough to cause me to stop.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Saying Goodbye to My Dearest Friend
Today at 5 p.m I have to make the hardest choice in my life so far, I have to take my best friend in and say goodbye to her. This is a decision I don't want to make, I want to ignore it and wish this was all a bad dream but it is not. I am trying not to think about it, but I don't know how I am going to handle it when that time comes, when I have to carry her to my Tahoe and take her in. I am scared, scared that I will lose all strength in my legs when I walk her up to the doors, I am scared that I won't be able to handle this at all. Cameron is going to come with me I hope, mom is going to watch Dorian at home and then Cameron and the boys will dig her resting place. Part of me wants to go alone, but I know that is not a good idea because I don't know where my mindset will be on the way home.
I got home yesterday, and I looked into my girl's eyes and knew it was not the right time. Colder weather has set in and somehow her health is improving to a degree, she is more interested in food now than she was a couple of days ago though still being picky about it. We decided not to take her in, to give her a little longer because it just doesn't seem right. I am trying to think with a level head and not my own needs, because I don't want her to suffer more than she already has but she just doesn't seem ready to let go.
I got home yesterday, and I looked into my girl's eyes and knew it was not the right time. Colder weather has set in and somehow her health is improving to a degree, she is more interested in food now than she was a couple of days ago though still being picky about it. We decided not to take her in, to give her a little longer because it just doesn't seem right. I am trying to think with a level head and not my own needs, because I don't want her to suffer more than she already has but she just doesn't seem ready to let go.
Monday, November 5, 2012
My Little Boy, my Life, my Running
This past Saturday I bought and put my son's crib together, he slept in it for the first time Saturday night but I woke up and brought him to bed with me around 2 in the morning because our furnace was acting up and it was like 65 degrees in the house with it being around 30-35 outside. Then last night he slept in it, but he has been teething really bad here lately so he has been waking up constantly. I'm just wondering when the teething stops and the teeth actually start coming out, all I feel are bumps. He is getting closer and closer to crawling, but still prefers to lunge or other ways of crawling. I weighed him today at 17 lbs or so, but I have no measured his length which is probably around 29 inches or so.
I weighed myself this morning at exactly 141 lbs, and I am excited because I am now 7 lbs away from my goal weight. Yesterday's 4 mile run was amazing and tough, I stayed no only under 10:30 a mile but the last mile was under 9 minutes and that was freaking awesome. I am getting excited again and believe that I am ready to start introducing more fartleks and speed workouts during my runs.
I have been trying to get back to 4 minutes on the plank but I begin to get a headache around 1:30 and I have to stop at 2 minutes dang it.
I weighed myself this morning at exactly 141 lbs, and I am excited because I am now 7 lbs away from my goal weight. Yesterday's 4 mile run was amazing and tough, I stayed no only under 10:30 a mile but the last mile was under 9 minutes and that was freaking awesome. I am getting excited again and believe that I am ready to start introducing more fartleks and speed workouts during my runs.
I have been trying to get back to 4 minutes on the plank but I begin to get a headache around 1:30 and I have to stop at 2 minutes dang it.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
OMG! Probably the Dumbest Decision I've Ever Made
I decided last night that I would try and get out and ride my bike this morning, maybe get 10 miles in for today. I did not even think about the temperature and the fact that I don't have the proper clothing for it :(, so this morning I threw on a long sleeve running shirt and my Under Armor hoodie hoping that would be enough, and my gloves for running while wearing my capris and an old pair of running shoes and ankle socks......... boy was that stupid! I was a freaking popsicle during the whole ride and I was miserable, at least 3 times I considered turning around before I was even at 2 miles. I kept going though, I rode for 6.4 miles in 37 minutes and only burned 244 calories total (dang it). I won't be doing that again, not unless I get the proper clothing, it was 37 degrees but it felt like 32 and everything was numb. My lower legs were red and I could barely feel my toes other than ice. My splits were:
Mile 1 - 6:09
Mile 2 - 5:45
Mile 3 - 5:38
Mile 4 - 6:08
Mile 5 - 6:02
Mile 6 - 5:40
.4 Miles - 2:26
My average speed was 10 mph and I felt like a freaking popsicle.
Mile 1 - 6:09
Mile 2 - 5:45
Mile 3 - 5:38
Mile 4 - 6:08
Mile 5 - 6:02
Mile 6 - 5:40
.4 Miles - 2:26
My average speed was 10 mph and I felt like a freaking popsicle.
Friday, October 26, 2012
A Life Coming to an End
A little bit after Cameron got home tonight, while I was feeding Dorian he noticed what must be blood. My best friend is hacking up blood now, and I did some online research and Congestive Heart Failure is it word for word, for the last few months she has become exhausted, panting more and more, labored breathing, coughing and collapsing after only a few steps. I don't want to think about it, I don't want to realize the reality of what is about to happen, that I am about to lose my best friend of 13 years. It's a reality I don't want to face, I just want to find a room and cry for hours, I wish I could give her 10 years of my life. I know she had 13 1/2 great years, I just wish she could have at least 3 more. I know that this started about 6 or 7 months ago, but I just assumed it was age slowing her down rather than an actual issue. The vet had seen her twice this year and didn't notice anything serious.
Tomorrow I am going to call the vet and see if I can bring her in to be checked out, see if it is in fact what I fear.
(Continued) Unfortunately she has to see Dr. Nelson, a man she has never met before. I hate making her deal with a man to examine her...
She did well at the vet, but the news isn't good. It isn't Congestive Heart Failure, but the X-rays show cancer legions all over her lungs, with fluid inside her lungs and probably her heart. The vet is pretty positive that she has lung cancer, and after doing some research she might not make another year if even that. If she does make it through winter I know she won't last another summer if it is anything like this last summer, but I am going to try and make things as easy and comfortable as I can for her. I know Cameron and I can't be constantly cleaning up after her in the house, and Cameron will most definitely not tolerate it. I don't want to put her outside, because she doesn't want to be outside and it is going to get cold very soon, and I don't want to leave her downstairs all alone either. I guess I can only take each day as it comes, and enjoy how ever much time I have left with her.
Tomorrow I am going to call the vet and see if I can bring her in to be checked out, see if it is in fact what I fear.
(Continued) Unfortunately she has to see Dr. Nelson, a man she has never met before. I hate making her deal with a man to examine her...
She did well at the vet, but the news isn't good. It isn't Congestive Heart Failure, but the X-rays show cancer legions all over her lungs, with fluid inside her lungs and probably her heart. The vet is pretty positive that she has lung cancer, and after doing some research she might not make another year if even that. If she does make it through winter I know she won't last another summer if it is anything like this last summer, but I am going to try and make things as easy and comfortable as I can for her. I know Cameron and I can't be constantly cleaning up after her in the house, and Cameron will most definitely not tolerate it. I don't want to put her outside, because she doesn't want to be outside and it is going to get cold very soon, and I don't want to leave her downstairs all alone either. I guess I can only take each day as it comes, and enjoy how ever much time I have left with her.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Yesterday Opened My eyes
For the last week or two, I have been trying to find a way to bike with Cameron on certain days, rollerblade (with Dorian) and run on other days while not having my mom watch Dorian just about everyday. I hate doing that, though I know she doesn't really mind it but I just don't feel good about it. Yesterday, after running with Shauna Monday I tried to find a middle ground so that mom wouldn't have to come and watch Dorian again so I told Cameron to bike and I would "strollerblade". I have done it 5 times now with no issues, but yesterday wasn't like any other, there were 2 omens; one at the beginning when I realized how top heavy the stroller was with the infant carseat, I wasn't going fast but I tried to make a tight turn that would normally be easy but I had to fight to keep the stroller from toppling over. The second one was when Cameron went ahead of me to make way through a group of people and their kids, Cameron was almost past them when the little girl ran right in front of him on his bike, he just about fell over but missed her and I was so close behind him that I barely stopped within inches of the bike. I should have told myself that was enough and turned around, I had not been on that route with the stroller and inline skates, the sun was going down, and that greenway was all beat to hell unlike the one on the riverfront that I was used to. My mistakes were:
1: Choosing a new route to strollerblade, in the evening.
2: Not taking heed of the omens
3: Strollerblading with the infant carseat which makes the stroller extremely top heavy.
4: Risking my son's safety for the sake of:
- not having mom watch him 2 days in a row
- trying to have him with us on an outing
Before going down another hill at 1.5 miles, Cameron mentions to be careful so I tapped my breaks a couple time and I felt in control, I had already passed quite a few beat up, dangerous spots so I felt confident. I eyed the huge cracks right at the turn and picked out the flattest spot, but then it all went out of control in seconds. As I hit that crack, the front wheel which I did not have in the swivel locked (because I can barely turn it, let alone be going faster than 12 minutes a mile), the front wheel went sideways and could not go back in time, I felt the front start bouncing and instead of pushing 40-50 lbs I was trying to hold onto it and get it under control all while trying to keep everything on the road/greenway along the turn. I managed to slow it down enough, rip my hand out of the safety line so that I ran into the railing and I watched the stroller fall sideways, watching my little boy's face in slow motion, once the stroller stopped, he started crying, frightened. Luckily, the Baby Trend Expedition stroller and the infant carseat adapter was strong, because if the adapter hadn't been, and the carseat fell away from the stroller, my little boy could have been injured. I didn't even care about my knees, I drug/crawled to him and pulled the stroller back onto it's wheels and pulled him out of there and held him. My phone was smashed, my knees were scraped but I didn't care, all that mattered to me was my little boy.
I won't be doing that ever again, I feel horrible. In the 16-17 years of rollerblading, I have only fallen 4 times. My instincts told me each time I took him out that I was risking his safety, I wondered how much of this the stroller could handle but I told myself I would keep my speed under control and not go crazy. All the other times, I had picked a route that was new with no bumps, cracks or any kind of damage until this one. Things probably would have gone differently if he wasn't in the carseat, which made the stroller top heavy like an SUV, if he had been in the actual seat, the center of gravity would have been closer to the wheels. No more, not while he is in the carseat, If I ever take him again it won't be until after Winter and I will stick to flat surfaces and he will be wearing a helmet.
Even if I have to run in the mornings to avoid asking mom to watch him everyday, I won't take him rollerblading, I will go by myself. Things could have been so much worse, I am so thankful that they weren't, that the stroller was able to take that kind of beating while keeping my little boy tucked away. Never again.
1: Choosing a new route to strollerblade, in the evening.
2: Not taking heed of the omens
3: Strollerblading with the infant carseat which makes the stroller extremely top heavy.
4: Risking my son's safety for the sake of:
- not having mom watch him 2 days in a row
- trying to have him with us on an outing
Before going down another hill at 1.5 miles, Cameron mentions to be careful so I tapped my breaks a couple time and I felt in control, I had already passed quite a few beat up, dangerous spots so I felt confident. I eyed the huge cracks right at the turn and picked out the flattest spot, but then it all went out of control in seconds. As I hit that crack, the front wheel which I did not have in the swivel locked (because I can barely turn it, let alone be going faster than 12 minutes a mile), the front wheel went sideways and could not go back in time, I felt the front start bouncing and instead of pushing 40-50 lbs I was trying to hold onto it and get it under control all while trying to keep everything on the road/greenway along the turn. I managed to slow it down enough, rip my hand out of the safety line so that I ran into the railing and I watched the stroller fall sideways, watching my little boy's face in slow motion, once the stroller stopped, he started crying, frightened. Luckily, the Baby Trend Expedition stroller and the infant carseat adapter was strong, because if the adapter hadn't been, and the carseat fell away from the stroller, my little boy could have been injured. I didn't even care about my knees, I drug/crawled to him and pulled the stroller back onto it's wheels and pulled him out of there and held him. My phone was smashed, my knees were scraped but I didn't care, all that mattered to me was my little boy.
I won't be doing that ever again, I feel horrible. In the 16-17 years of rollerblading, I have only fallen 4 times. My instincts told me each time I took him out that I was risking his safety, I wondered how much of this the stroller could handle but I told myself I would keep my speed under control and not go crazy. All the other times, I had picked a route that was new with no bumps, cracks or any kind of damage until this one. Things probably would have gone differently if he wasn't in the carseat, which made the stroller top heavy like an SUV, if he had been in the actual seat, the center of gravity would have been closer to the wheels. No more, not while he is in the carseat, If I ever take him again it won't be until after Winter and I will stick to flat surfaces and he will be wearing a helmet.
Even if I have to run in the mornings to avoid asking mom to watch him everyday, I won't take him rollerblading, I will go by myself. Things could have been so much worse, I am so thankful that they weren't, that the stroller was able to take that kind of beating while keeping my little boy tucked away. Never again.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Ugh, the Good Will Never Outweigh the Bad
Even though the business was "saved" from really difficult times this morning by one of our best Dealers, my warm and happy feelings are never allowed to last. A week before the Evansville Half, I had registered for the Indy Monumental Half that is on my birthday (November 3), but after the Evansville Half, I contemplated that it might be a smarter idea not to try for another Half a month away........ but last week I started thinking about it again, my leg/s have been feeling much better and a run/walk split wouldn't hurt too bad. We were going to go anyways, even if I didn't run the race because I wanted to take Dorian to the zoo, but Friday Cameron suggested we cancel due to money. Today I found out the real reason why, Cameron and them decided they were going to have a rock show that night, Halloween themed. Instead of throwing it this weekend, a couple days before Halloween but still in October, they decide to throw it on my birthday, a couple of days after Halloween and in November. As usual, I am always on the back burner of everyone's thoughts and considerations, so it wouldn't have mattered if I had made my mind up to run that race because it would have been canceled anyways. I am so sick and tired of this crap, first my sister decides to have her wedding on my 20th birthday, with a man she doesn't even care for so now my birthday is also a reminder of their "lie". Now this, it could have been on Friday, heck it could have been this weekend which would make more sense BUT HECK NO as usual. I can't even complain about it, because I'll seem like the a**hole since it is the band and anyone who gets in the way of the "band" is a dirt bag.
Today has gone from decent to crap once again, and I am so ready for it to be over. I think Shauna and I are going to try for 3.5 miles tonight, I should be okay with that. I went ahead and searched for a smaller race, Shauna is itching for one and I found the Get Dirty 5k at Angel Mounds, it is on November 24th this year, they had 3 options (5k, 10k, 15k) and I went ahead and paid for the 5k option because I don't know if I am ready for a 10k trail/obstacle race yet. This will at least test our ability on obstacle courses, preparing us for the Spartan Race next April.
Today has gone from decent to crap once again, and I am so ready for it to be over. I think Shauna and I are going to try for 3.5 miles tonight, I should be okay with that. I went ahead and searched for a smaller race, Shauna is itching for one and I found the Get Dirty 5k at Angel Mounds, it is on November 24th this year, they had 3 options (5k, 10k, 15k) and I went ahead and paid for the 5k option because I don't know if I am ready for a 10k trail/obstacle race yet. This will at least test our ability on obstacle courses, preparing us for the Spartan Race next April.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Another Day, Another Tomorrow, More Goodbyes
Business has slowed down a lot, I am actually getting more and more worried each day. I want to dig a hole, crawl in it and hide. On a happier note, Dorian is doing real well, yesterday he went to his 6 month wellness check up and the doctor was pleased and stated how great he is doing. He is 2'3" and weighs 16 lbs 12 oz, he is in the 75% for his height and the 40% for his weight which I feel is good though it doesn't tell his future. I was in a very high percentile for my weight when I was a baby and although I was heavy all my life until about 2 years ago, I had to make my own life changes. Dorian will have a head start though, I will ensure that he eats healthy and smart, and that I set examples for him in the area of diet and exercise. Sadly it took me 17-18 years to figure out that I had to make the choice instead of depending on someone else.
Yesterday I went for a bike ride, my plan was 8 miles but I ended up riding 10.7 miles which is awesome though I feel like I ran 6-8 miles today lol. I did that in one hour and 4 minutes, probably the fastest I will ever do almost 11 miles ha. That was after my 2 mile run early that morning, which was still sore but not even close to a week or so ago, the bottom of my left foot is no longer in pain so that is good. I am still debating today whether I walk with my mom or rollerblade while she walks, Cameron didn't go bike riding with me yesterday because he was busy with a machine, he wants to go today but I don't want to have to ask mom to watch Dorian every single day. She keeps hinting that she would like to be able to watch him and my nephew and niece together at my sister's house BUT I don't want Dorian around those two, mainly my nephew. He has become so hateful and will scream "I hate you" or "I'm gonna kill you!", of course it is my sister and brother-in-law's fault, they should have never gotten married, let alone had kids together, they are both very selfish and there isn't any real love between them. The moment they are in a room together, you can literally cut the air with a knife, the tension is so thick and those kids are learning and growing up in that house. Even if my brother-in-law isn't there, I still don't want my son in that house around all that hate and tension, Cameron and I both agreed that we want to lay a strong foundation of love, security and trust down in his first 2 years of life before he goes around other kids other than the holidays.
I haven't talked to her about it, but hopefully she will understand and won't get too angry about it.
Yesterday I went for a bike ride, my plan was 8 miles but I ended up riding 10.7 miles which is awesome though I feel like I ran 6-8 miles today lol. I did that in one hour and 4 minutes, probably the fastest I will ever do almost 11 miles ha. That was after my 2 mile run early that morning, which was still sore but not even close to a week or so ago, the bottom of my left foot is no longer in pain so that is good. I am still debating today whether I walk with my mom or rollerblade while she walks, Cameron didn't go bike riding with me yesterday because he was busy with a machine, he wants to go today but I don't want to have to ask mom to watch Dorian every single day. She keeps hinting that she would like to be able to watch him and my nephew and niece together at my sister's house BUT I don't want Dorian around those two, mainly my nephew. He has become so hateful and will scream "I hate you" or "I'm gonna kill you!", of course it is my sister and brother-in-law's fault, they should have never gotten married, let alone had kids together, they are both very selfish and there isn't any real love between them. The moment they are in a room together, you can literally cut the air with a knife, the tension is so thick and those kids are learning and growing up in that house. Even if my brother-in-law isn't there, I still don't want my son in that house around all that hate and tension, Cameron and I both agreed that we want to lay a strong foundation of love, security and trust down in his first 2 years of life before he goes around other kids other than the holidays.
I haven't talked to her about it, but hopefully she will understand and won't get too angry about it.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Four Minutes!!
Tonight I made it to 4 minutes doing the plank position, it was tough but mainly it was hard on my arms. I think this is the first time I've made it to 4 minutes, the longest was around 3:43 or something about 2 years ago. My goal is 5 minutes but I don't know if I will make it before the end of this year, mainly due to my arms.
Dorian has been eating solids along with his breast milk for about 2 weeks now, but I think I was feeding him a bit too much too soon because last night he was pooping a lot and he seemed constipated, this morning he had small hard poop with his normal poop so I am going to back off on the solids a little.
Dorian has been eating solids along with his breast milk for about 2 weeks now, but I think I was feeding him a bit too much too soon because last night he was pooping a lot and he seemed constipated, this morning he had small hard poop with his normal poop so I am going to back off on the solids a little.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Mondays Really Suck
The morning started out well, and then we got to the shop and it went down the shitter from there. I was determined to ship out customer orders that were made over the weekend today, but Dorian had other ideas unfortunately, I mean it wasn't his fault as he is teething and I figure he is going through some gas issues. I was definitely stressed out today, along with the computer acting up and my leg still giving me trouble. I won't go into detail on another physical issue because it is a little too personal to post on here. Once I got all the packages together and ready for shipment, we came home and I have to deal with a dog that decides that she isn't hungry while the other one is a pure glutton and decides he is going to eat her food right in front of me while I am trying to console my son who bumped his head. I am about ready to kill that dog, I did not want him but Cameron just had to have him, he is a worthless animal and I cannot stand gluttony, even in animals.
I hope the rest of this week goes better, the Evansville Half is this Sunday and I am still concerned with how my leg is going to do. I want to run it and finish it, but I don't want to injure myself and miss the Indianapolis Monumental Half which is on my birthday and I've already registered for it AND I booked our hotel. Not only the race, but we are going to take Dorian to the zoo and he will get to see the Dolphins and walruses and other Seals. I feel a slight difference since getting back to my squats again, but even then I wonder if it will help.
Anyways, I will be glad when the day is over, and even more glad when sales begin to pick up at the store.
I hope the rest of this week goes better, the Evansville Half is this Sunday and I am still concerned with how my leg is going to do. I want to run it and finish it, but I don't want to injure myself and miss the Indianapolis Monumental Half which is on my birthday and I've already registered for it AND I booked our hotel. Not only the race, but we are going to take Dorian to the zoo and he will get to see the Dolphins and walruses and other Seals. I feel a slight difference since getting back to my squats again, but even then I wonder if it will help.
Anyways, I will be glad when the day is over, and even more glad when sales begin to pick up at the store.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
A Mix of Everything
First off, Dorian has been having some gas issues these last couple of nights and last night was really bad. He is normally such a great baby, except when something is hurting him like his teething or stomach troubles. It is stressful, watching him hurt like that and not being able to do anything except try to comfort him the best I can. It took both Cameron and I laying with him in bed to help him fall asleep last night, Cameron propped him up against me in a sitting position and I rubbed his tummy. Hopefully there won't be a whole lot of days like this, I hate seeing him in pain.
I haven't ran since Sunday, and although I am getting a little tense and was going to run tonight no matter how my leg felt, I feel a lot better after weighing myself. My main worry other than my sanity was falling off the wagon and losing what progress I had made with my weight loss. On September 14, I weighed myself at 147 lbs and wasn't going to weigh myself again until after the Half Marathon (next Sunday), but when my cat turned on the scale in the bathroom and I had to shoo her off of it, curiosity got the best of me. Apparently I have lost 4 lbs since my last weigh in, I now weigh 143 lbs. I am happy, but a little suspicious and wondering if my eyes were deceiving me so tomorrow morning I am going to weigh myself again. I put on my size 7 jeans and they aren't as tight as they were 2 weeks ago but still a bit snug. i am happy, I will rest again today and maybe walk tomorrow and then run my 8 miles Sunday. My leg is still kind of sore, but not bad and I am going to keep using the foam roller on it, hopefully I can get through the Half Marathon at least with the same time as last year and then not be so hell bent on my runs, and getting back to doing squats and lunges more since I haven't for quite a while.
I haven't ran since Sunday, and although I am getting a little tense and was going to run tonight no matter how my leg felt, I feel a lot better after weighing myself. My main worry other than my sanity was falling off the wagon and losing what progress I had made with my weight loss. On September 14, I weighed myself at 147 lbs and wasn't going to weigh myself again until after the Half Marathon (next Sunday), but when my cat turned on the scale in the bathroom and I had to shoo her off of it, curiosity got the best of me. Apparently I have lost 4 lbs since my last weigh in, I now weigh 143 lbs. I am happy, but a little suspicious and wondering if my eyes were deceiving me so tomorrow morning I am going to weigh myself again. I put on my size 7 jeans and they aren't as tight as they were 2 weeks ago but still a bit snug. i am happy, I will rest again today and maybe walk tomorrow and then run my 8 miles Sunday. My leg is still kind of sore, but not bad and I am going to keep using the foam roller on it, hopefully I can get through the Half Marathon at least with the same time as last year and then not be so hell bent on my runs, and getting back to doing squats and lunges more since I haven't for quite a while.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Molly is doing Much Better
I am so happy to say that Molly is doing so much better, we were getting really worried that night, I thought she didn't have much time left. The next day I had turned the A/C back on, and by the night she was already feeling better and picking up her pace. Within a week she was back to her old self again, and she is back to being spunky and high spirited, her appetite is back and she will happily harass me until I feed her. I was so scared that I was going to lose her before her 14th birthday, and I really hope that it was either just the heat or she was trying to get over some virus and the heat was making it worse. I might take her for a good hike this weekend (not sure yet as I could be really busy), I know she will enjoy the cool weather even if she is going to slow down with age.
Dorian's teething is really starting now, he can't really sleep through the night without waking up or stirring and waking me up. I can't wait until he gets his teeth in, because that is the only part that is difficult to handle, but I think he has a more difficult time with it than me.
Dorian's teething is really starting now, he can't really sleep through the night without waking up or stirring and waking me up. I can't wait until he gets his teeth in, because that is the only part that is difficult to handle, but I think he has a more difficult time with it than me.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Men are Unbelievable
It is truly baffling how arrogant and "forgetful" men can be, they have selective memory and will forget all the bad things they do while always remembering another's fault and fumbles. Then they either bring up all your faults and mistakes just to justify themselves or act as if they never said anything that you are accusing them of. To make matters even worse, is when they are comfortable with putting you down and calling you names right in front of your own child. I am seriously wondering if I really want my son to grow up hearing such cruel words being slung at his mother, so that he can see all women like that and have no respect for me. I am getting tired of it, and really sick and tired of him bringing up my mistake 4 years ago (cheating/kissing another guy/ lying to him about it) every time I mention how something he does or says makes me feel. The reason I am tired of it, is because I know that he would still treat me like this even if I hadn't made that mistake.
After bringing it up, and then he of course throwing my mistake in my face as usual, he apologizes but I don't believe it or want to hear it...because I know he will just do it again, I know he doesn't mean it, and my proof is the fact that he brought up my mistake to justify something he has been doing since the first year we were together.
After bringing it up, and then he of course throwing my mistake in my face as usual, he apologizes but I don't believe it or want to hear it...because I know he will just do it again, I know he doesn't mean it, and my proof is the fact that he brought up my mistake to justify something he has been doing since the first year we were together.
Good things, Bad Things... It's Neverending
First, the good news:
My little angel woke me up this morning at 5 a.m, so I decided to get up and start warming up his milk. We got up at 5:25 and I decided to weigh myself, I am now down to 147 lbs which is good news. We went ahead and did our 3 mile walk at 7 a.m which was nice. Molly is doing a bit better, she actually has an appetite and I think it helped when I closed the windows and turned the A/C back on, the house temp was reaching 82 degrees yesterday so I finally gave in. She has lost some weight though, I can really feel her spine and hip bones now, but she is better than just 2 days ago when I was really scared.
Last night Shauna couldn't run with me, her back was hurting so I ran my 5 miles alone. I hope she can run the 10 miles this weekend, as 10 miles alone most likely will suck I think.... I mean I did run 8 miles 2 weeks ago by myself but that really sucked and I think mainly because it was hot and muggy out. We'll see how things go this weekend.
Now for the crappy news:
We've been spending more than we've been making, and we're probably going to lose a Dealer which makes things even worse. Apparently the IRS thinks we owe them a huge amount of money that we've already paid, but seeing on how Marilyn (our accountant) has been screwing us on just about every turn, not informing us about very important details until the last minute so that we find things like this out on our own. Our sales have slowed down extremely, and at this point we really need the sales.
Cameron is being positive about things, or at least acting like it while I am freaking out and getting aggravated.
My little angel woke me up this morning at 5 a.m, so I decided to get up and start warming up his milk. We got up at 5:25 and I decided to weigh myself, I am now down to 147 lbs which is good news. We went ahead and did our 3 mile walk at 7 a.m which was nice. Molly is doing a bit better, she actually has an appetite and I think it helped when I closed the windows and turned the A/C back on, the house temp was reaching 82 degrees yesterday so I finally gave in. She has lost some weight though, I can really feel her spine and hip bones now, but she is better than just 2 days ago when I was really scared.
Last night Shauna couldn't run with me, her back was hurting so I ran my 5 miles alone. I hope she can run the 10 miles this weekend, as 10 miles alone most likely will suck I think.... I mean I did run 8 miles 2 weeks ago by myself but that really sucked and I think mainly because it was hot and muggy out. We'll see how things go this weekend.
Now for the crappy news:
We've been spending more than we've been making, and we're probably going to lose a Dealer which makes things even worse. Apparently the IRS thinks we owe them a huge amount of money that we've already paid, but seeing on how Marilyn (our accountant) has been screwing us on just about every turn, not informing us about very important details until the last minute so that we find things like this out on our own. Our sales have slowed down extremely, and at this point we really need the sales.
Cameron is being positive about things, or at least acting like it while I am freaking out and getting aggravated.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
My Best Friend is Aging.......Fast
It is a hard reality to face, that my best friend of over 13 years is past her prime and no longer a young, feisty pup full of so much life and stubborn personality, she is a 60 lb Shepherd/Husky mix that will be turning 14 years old this November and that has been quite a feat for one large dog but she is really beginning to show it now. She started slowing down a little about 2 years ago, but was still out running around and having a good time this past winter. We used to call her SUV because she would run up walls of dirt like nothing, these were 12-15 feet high and almost at a 90 degree angle and she ran up them like they weren't an issue, she did this until about 3 years ago before she started avoiding them or just climbing up a little slower. She has really begun to show her age just these past couple of weeks, I don't know if she just isn't feeling good or she really is slowing down. Coming up the front porch flight of stairs seems to be a huge effort for her, she barely wants to go outside anymore, and going outside was one of her favorite things in the world........okay her most favorite thing was going outside. She barely perked up this past Sunday when I took her to the woods and riverfront, and it sucks to see her this way.
These two photos above were taken in March of this year, that is only 6 months ago....... a huge difference now. These two below was just 2 days ago when we went to the riverfront and the woods along it. She just ambled along the edge, just a couple months ago she would have been trotting and bouncing around sniffing everything.
It sucks, I don't want to admit or face the truth, that my best friend won't be with me forever and she might not be with me very much longer. If this isn't just her not feeling well, then I fear she may not see 15 years. I honestly don't know how I will handle it, I mean I have to be strong for Dorian but losing Molly will be the hardest thing in my life yet.
These two photos above were taken in March of this year, that is only 6 months ago....... a huge difference now. These two below was just 2 days ago when we went to the riverfront and the woods along it. She just ambled along the edge, just a couple months ago she would have been trotting and bouncing around sniffing everything.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Insurance Sucks Major
So my doctor's office called me just a bit ago, and they tell me that my insurance will not cover either the Paraguard or the Mirena IUD, and both are well over $1,000 and you must pay in full on the day of procedure. It looks like I am going back on the pill, which will inevitably screw me over, but I've already decided that if I turn up pregnant within the next 3 years, I am getting an abortion. Or I'll spend $40 on the morning after pill if and when I think Cameron didn't pull out fast enough. It is definitely really irritating, and Cameron is not willing to shell out a grand for this, I mean I don't want to shell out a grand but I know his reasons are different from mine. I don't want to spend a grand if I can help it, but he wants to either spend it on business supplies that we don't need yet, or the freaking band shit. This is just one more thing to stress me out, and I have just about had enough, I could probably go the rest of my life without sex.
Planned Parenthood has on their website that they do the Paragard here in Evansville, but over the phone they say no. The closest is Bloomington, Indiana. It looks like I will have to go to Tri Cap and get on the pill, I am half tempted to demand the surgery to permanently sterilize me, but I haven't decided if Dorian will be my only child although at this point I am pretty damn satisfied with giving him all my love and attention.
Planned Parenthood has on their website that they do the Paragard here in Evansville, but over the phone they say no. The closest is Bloomington, Indiana. It looks like I will have to go to Tri Cap and get on the pill, I am half tempted to demand the surgery to permanently sterilize me, but I haven't decided if Dorian will be my only child although at this point I am pretty damn satisfied with giving him all my love and attention.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Milestones of all Kinds
Amazing how sometimes you don't know what to title a post, so I just put that one. Dorian is reaching that point where he is just going to start amazing us with milestones, things he didn't really pay attention to just a week or so ago are now so intriguing to him. He has 3 teeth coming in, he is beginning to support himself for a few minutes at a time when I hold him in a sitting position. Yesterday I weighed him at 14 lbs and 9 oz, he is slowing down on his weight gain but that is normal as he is getting older. He is such a beautiful boy, still holding back his laughter unfortunately, but I can deal with that. He hasn't really began crawling yet, he is pushing himself backwards but I hope he is crawling by the time he is 6 months old.
I weigh about 148 lbs now, so I am slowly losing the weight but only as long as I am careful about what I eat and keep up on my running and working out. I am so happy that I can actually fit into my size 9 jeans, that is a milestone for me. This weekend was a bit of a downer as I only ran 7 miles instead of 8 but it was pretty hot, I was pretty dehydrated and didn't really eat anything before the run. This week I think I am going to increase one of my runs to 6 miles, possibly the Tuesday night run and leave the Thursday night run at 5 miles. This coming weekend I am supposed to run 9 miles, but we will have to see about the weather and everything, I really hope I am up for it but who knows. This last weekend's run kind of has me questioning if I want to keep pushing it, but hopefully next weekend will be a lot better run.
I am contemplating doing my runs in the morning right now, after some shit between Cameron and I, it just seems like a better idea if I don't bother him with watching Dorian. Now, if only I can get up at 5 a.m to go and do my run without feeling too exhausted. I know Shauna won't be exactly pleased with it, as she doesn't like running by herself but I can't keep holding back because of her damn it.
I weigh about 148 lbs now, so I am slowly losing the weight but only as long as I am careful about what I eat and keep up on my running and working out. I am so happy that I can actually fit into my size 9 jeans, that is a milestone for me. This weekend was a bit of a downer as I only ran 7 miles instead of 8 but it was pretty hot, I was pretty dehydrated and didn't really eat anything before the run. This week I think I am going to increase one of my runs to 6 miles, possibly the Tuesday night run and leave the Thursday night run at 5 miles. This coming weekend I am supposed to run 9 miles, but we will have to see about the weather and everything, I really hope I am up for it but who knows. This last weekend's run kind of has me questioning if I want to keep pushing it, but hopefully next weekend will be a lot better run.
I am contemplating doing my runs in the morning right now, after some shit between Cameron and I, it just seems like a better idea if I don't bother him with watching Dorian. Now, if only I can get up at 5 a.m to go and do my run without feeling too exhausted. I know Shauna won't be exactly pleased with it, as she doesn't like running by herself but I can't keep holding back because of her damn it.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Not too Awesome a Run, 19 weeks Post Partum and seeing Improvements
This weekend was supposed to be 8 miles, my gut told me to wait until evening but I really wanted to get my run in and feel great about it so my mom came over this morning at 9 a.m and I headed out for the run. As I got out of my Tahoe, the heat of the sun blasted me, even though it was 85 degrees but there wasn't any clouds, my gut kept telling me not to try but I didn't listen. I ran 7 miles, and they weren't great at all, I couldn't slow down enough, kept pushing below 11 minutes for some reason and the sun was burning my skin. I am a little upset BUT at least I ran 7 miles instead of none, so I can look at it like that.
About an hour ago I headed downstairs to do laundry when I noticed a pair of jeans on the floor, they were my size 9 jeans that I hadn't worn since the 1st-2nd trimester. After having Dorian, within the first month I tried them on out of curiosity and my thighs were too thick, as well as my hips and my stomach so I didn't want to look at them since. I thought what the heck and tried them on, and to my amazement they fit!!! My thighs fit nice and snug, a little bit of a muffin top but not much at all when standing AND my hips had no problem fitting in. Around August last year I was wearing size 7/8 jeans, so being able to wear my size 9 jeans just 19 weeks after giving birth is awesome.
I probably won't be walking on the days that I don't run, at least not until the weather cools back down again because Dorian can't stand the heat, and I am scared that he might get bit by a mosquito when we've got West Nile around here this year. My baby's life is not going to be put in jeopardy all because I want a little bit o exercise in between runs, heck I'll dance around the living room for a half hour instead. My little angel has 3 teeth coming in, all at the top, one on his left side, one on his right side and the third in the front so he isn't always as cheerful as normal but I can understand.
Any who, the Half Marathon is 42 days away, about 7 weeks from tomorrow and I am excited. Hopefully it will really start cooling off soon so I can enjoy my long runs dang it.
About an hour ago I headed downstairs to do laundry when I noticed a pair of jeans on the floor, they were my size 9 jeans that I hadn't worn since the 1st-2nd trimester. After having Dorian, within the first month I tried them on out of curiosity and my thighs were too thick, as well as my hips and my stomach so I didn't want to look at them since. I thought what the heck and tried them on, and to my amazement they fit!!! My thighs fit nice and snug, a little bit of a muffin top but not much at all when standing AND my hips had no problem fitting in. Around August last year I was wearing size 7/8 jeans, so being able to wear my size 9 jeans just 19 weeks after giving birth is awesome.
I probably won't be walking on the days that I don't run, at least not until the weather cools back down again because Dorian can't stand the heat, and I am scared that he might get bit by a mosquito when we've got West Nile around here this year. My baby's life is not going to be put in jeopardy all because I want a little bit o exercise in between runs, heck I'll dance around the living room for a half hour instead. My little angel has 3 teeth coming in, all at the top, one on his left side, one on his right side and the third in the front so he isn't always as cheerful as normal but I can understand.
Any who, the Half Marathon is 42 days away, about 7 weeks from tomorrow and I am excited. Hopefully it will really start cooling off soon so I can enjoy my long runs dang it.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Deception and Lies, How do you tell someone they're doing wrong?
Last night while walking with my sister Kara and my mom, I got most of the story on what exactly has been going on in Shauna's life. Shauna hasn't been happy with her life for quite a few years. When she got pregnant with Skyler back in 2005, she even told me that she felt her life was over and at an end, which was and is a selfish way of looking at things. Instead of always looking at the positive side, seeing the life of a child as a brand new chapter and a chance to teach that child and love that child, she felt like that child was ruining her life. She had been talking about leaving Chris for a few years, didn't even want to marry him back in 2006 but did because she was pregnant with their second child. I found out last night from Kara that not only did Shauna finally tell Chris she wants a divorce (Tuesday night when she didn't run with me), but she has been cheating on him with another guy who is married as well. I don't know for sure how long she had been doing this but I wouldn't be surprised if it's been over a year. Kara won't say much about it though, and I feel weird because Shauna has been deceiving Chris and been lying to me about things.
Shauna is my sister, and my running partner but now I feel weird running with her or hanging out with her while knowing these things and knowing that she doesn't know that I know. I feel that I am now a part of this mess and I don't like it, I really feel sorry for the kids though, especially when I know Shauna isn't really thinking about them at all even though she plans on taking them with her. It's weird, especially when I know they should have never gotten together in the first place, it was all out of convenience for both of them but mainly her and now two kids are suffering for it.
Anyways, other than that my life is going okay for the moment. The business is having to spend money to fix machines while not really making any at the moment. The rails should be finished in 2-3 weeks, which then our Dealers will be ordering, hopefully we can stay above $15,000 until then.
Shauna is my sister, and my running partner but now I feel weird running with her or hanging out with her while knowing these things and knowing that she doesn't know that I know. I feel that I am now a part of this mess and I don't like it, I really feel sorry for the kids though, especially when I know Shauna isn't really thinking about them at all even though she plans on taking them with her. It's weird, especially when I know they should have never gotten together in the first place, it was all out of convenience for both of them but mainly her and now two kids are suffering for it.
Anyways, other than that my life is going okay for the moment. The business is having to spend money to fix machines while not really making any at the moment. The rails should be finished in 2-3 weeks, which then our Dealers will be ordering, hopefully we can stay above $15,000 until then.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
The lbs Are Slowing Falling Off
Last Monday I bought a new scale, a digital one that had great reviews on it and it weighed me at 152 lbs which was about 5 lbs more than my old scale was. At first I was discouraged as I guess maybe I weighed more during pregnancy than I thought and probably all last year instead of weighing 134 lbs I probably weighed 137 - 139 lbs. Last week I ran a total of 17 miles which equaled to 1700-1800 calories burnt, 1,700 calories is a lb; this Monday morning I weighed myself at 150 lbs then this morning I weighed myself just out of curiosity and it said 149.2 lbs so the lbs are slowly coming off and I am excited. Hopefully as my mileage stays up over 10 miles a week I will keep seeing 1-2 lbs falling off each week, especially as I try to walk 3 miles on the days that I don't run, so that is an extra 600-800 calories burnt. This week I will be running 18 miles, along with the walking so hopefully things will keep looking up.
Dorian is slowly giving up his laughs to me, he has been trying to hold them in all this time. He is so adorable, and already wanting to fall asleep by himself in his bassinet or crib, I used to have to hold him, rock him or try anything to get him to fall asleep but for the past month he has been preferring his bassinet at night or the crib at the shop during nap time. It kind of hurts, but during the weekends he is happy to cuddle with me on the couch, and of course he likes to be carried around. I remember in the beginning everyone was telling me and Cameron that we were spoiling him by holding him too much, that he wouldn't want to fall asleep by himself or learn to soothe himself, it is amazing how wrong people who think they know everything can be. I haven't weighed him for almost 2 weeks, but I think he is getting up towards 15 lbs now, two weeks ago I weighed him at 14.3 lbs so it wouldn't surprise me if he has already reached 15 lbs.
We've created a team called Chaos for the Spartan Race next April, we're doing the Spartan Sprint or 4 mile race with 15 obstacles which should be exciting. Right now it's just me and Cameron who have joined, but Jared plans on joining, Ethan and Preston do as well and hopefully Shauna will have the money to. Cameron is trying to talk his friend Brian into it, and Preston is going to try and get Nicole to do it as well. It will definitely be an interesting race, and hopefully fun. I plan on taking it seriously and training hard for it over the winter, hopefully everyone else will too, it's not so much the running but the obstacles that I am concerned with, and of Cameron's training as he will most likely be the one who doesn't train for it.
Dorian is slowly giving up his laughs to me, he has been trying to hold them in all this time. He is so adorable, and already wanting to fall asleep by himself in his bassinet or crib, I used to have to hold him, rock him or try anything to get him to fall asleep but for the past month he has been preferring his bassinet at night or the crib at the shop during nap time. It kind of hurts, but during the weekends he is happy to cuddle with me on the couch, and of course he likes to be carried around. I remember in the beginning everyone was telling me and Cameron that we were spoiling him by holding him too much, that he wouldn't want to fall asleep by himself or learn to soothe himself, it is amazing how wrong people who think they know everything can be. I haven't weighed him for almost 2 weeks, but I think he is getting up towards 15 lbs now, two weeks ago I weighed him at 14.3 lbs so it wouldn't surprise me if he has already reached 15 lbs.
We've created a team called Chaos for the Spartan Race next April, we're doing the Spartan Sprint or 4 mile race with 15 obstacles which should be exciting. Right now it's just me and Cameron who have joined, but Jared plans on joining, Ethan and Preston do as well and hopefully Shauna will have the money to. Cameron is trying to talk his friend Brian into it, and Preston is going to try and get Nicole to do it as well. It will definitely be an interesting race, and hopefully fun. I plan on taking it seriously and training hard for it over the winter, hopefully everyone else will too, it's not so much the running but the obstacles that I am concerned with, and of Cameron's training as he will most likely be the one who doesn't train for it.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
My Best Friend is Getting Older
Molly went in this morning for her surgery, to remove the two tumors on her eyelids (one on each side). She was very reluctant about going to the back with the assistant, I hate leaving her there especially as she is getting older. Today is going by so slowly now, I've got to wait until 1 p.m before I can call and see how she is doing and it is only 10:40 a.m now. Molly will be 14 years old this November, and she has finally begun to slow down in the last 2 months which is difficult for me to observe while knowing that her journey is almost at an end. I wanted to take her to the Rockies at least once, to go hiking there in the mountains and it just doesn't look like that is going to happen. I don't feel as scared about losing her as I did before Dorian, and I feel kind of bad about it. I am trying to keep my mind off of it, but it is difficult. I was in high hopes that she would live to 16-17 years old but in the last couple of months she has really slowed down and is actually starting to behave like a senior dog so I am not sure how much longer she has.
I wonder if she will make it to her 15th birthday, I mean I think she will as long as I don't push her anymore. I haven't really taken her for walks this summer due to the heat, and I probably won't have her do too much more than our little hikes at Angel Mounds trails this winter. I am not going to try and keep her alive if she is suffering and there isn't logically anything that can take the pain away, and I don't mean pills and constant visits to the vet. I decided on this surgery because it is causing her irritation and pain, but keeping them wouldn't kill her but make her completely miserable and blind someday. I don't want her to suffer any if at all during the last couple years, months or weeks of her life. The only thing after these tumors will be keeping her mouth and teeth as clean as possible and taking pee samples in annually to make sure the bladder stones aren't coming back.
Ugh, the hours are going by way to slow damn it!
I wonder if she will make it to her 15th birthday, I mean I think she will as long as I don't push her anymore. I haven't really taken her for walks this summer due to the heat, and I probably won't have her do too much more than our little hikes at Angel Mounds trails this winter. I am not going to try and keep her alive if she is suffering and there isn't logically anything that can take the pain away, and I don't mean pills and constant visits to the vet. I decided on this surgery because it is causing her irritation and pain, but keeping them wouldn't kill her but make her completely miserable and blind someday. I don't want her to suffer any if at all during the last couple years, months or weeks of her life. The only thing after these tumors will be keeping her mouth and teeth as clean as possible and taking pee samples in annually to make sure the bladder stones aren't coming back.
Ugh, the hours are going by way to slow damn it!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Stupid Bathroom Scales
All this time I feel that I was lying to myself about my weight, weighing myself on that old bathroom scale and thinking I was losing weight. Yesterday I weighed myself at 145-147, wasn't sure because every time I step off of it, the arrow goes back to 3 lbs AND right after I move it to zero before stepping onto it. I decided to buy a digital scale with body fat measurement as well, so I weighed myself on it, at 152 lbs with 34% body fat.......... 6 lbs difference or so? I told myself it must be because I had eaten lunch and breakfast (I normally weigh myself first thing in the morning after using the restroom and pumping). I waited until this morning and weighed myself again, still 152 lbs but this time 35% body fat........ what the heck!!! I don't know what to do, on myfitnesspal.com I've been going with the older scale and now I feel that if I go from 145 lbs to 152 lbs that would make me a liar, AND I will have taken so many steps backwards. I look in the mirror and can see that I've slimmed down some. I've lost 2 1/2 inches around my waist, I've gone down 3 belt loops/holes since buying the belt 2 1/2 months ago or so and I've lost 1 inch around my thighs so I don't get it. Did I weigh more than the old scale said when I was pregnant? Instead of 164 lbs did I really weigh 174 lbs or something? People were telling me how small I was for 9-10 months pregnant, but I don't know now. Did I really weigh 134 lbs last year when I got pregnant, I sure as heck didn't look like I weighed 145 lbs or something........ I am so confused. Parts of me just want to keep trekking along and training for my Half, hoping that as the mileage increases and then levels out to 15-20 mpw after the Half, my weight will slowly decrease as well. I tell myself that my body still needs more months to recover, I am only 4 months post and I think I am doing pretty good but I just can't get over the stupid scales!!! UGH!!!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Some Updates on My Life
Today Dorian is 4 months old, weighing in at 14 lbs and 3 oz and around 25 inches long. A beautiful baby, with such a beautiful personality already, he has such strong facial expressions and really knows how to use his eyebrows.
I weighed myself this morning at 145 lbs so things are looking pretty good for me, I ran 6 miles Saturday evening so hopefully that helped, and I walked 1.75 miles yesterday morning with Cameron and then an additional 3 miles later that afternoon with just me and Dorian. Next weekend is 7 miles, and I feel pretty good about that one along with the weekly 4 mile runs which pretty soon I am going to increase them to 5 miles after the 7 mile long run this weekend.
The business is doing well, better than I expected to come back to this Monday. Our personal isn't, but I have bought a new microwave, a new coffee maker and a new digital scale that I still need to go and pick up today from Walmart. It also supposedly tells the body fat percentage, but I am not too worried about that part, I am just sick of guessing what those older scales say. I am sleepy, even though Dorian has been falling asleep before midnight and I think I am getting 7 hours of sleep, I still feel tired. I actually feel more tired if I get 7 hours of sleep rather than just 5 hours.
I am trying to wait patiently for my new coffee maker, especially now that I am not using my older one. Two weeks ago it started taking 1 hour to fix 16 oz, when it used to do that in 10-15 minutes. I have no idea why and am really irritated about it, I kind of wish I had gone to the store and bought my coffee maker but having a newborn makes things like that a little difficult.
I am going to see what my 10k race time was last year, just curious on how I did Saturday night compared to almost one year ago. Eh, I was 12 minutes slower than last year but that is alright, I am okay with that.
I weighed myself this morning at 145 lbs so things are looking pretty good for me, I ran 6 miles Saturday evening so hopefully that helped, and I walked 1.75 miles yesterday morning with Cameron and then an additional 3 miles later that afternoon with just me and Dorian. Next weekend is 7 miles, and I feel pretty good about that one along with the weekly 4 mile runs which pretty soon I am going to increase them to 5 miles after the 7 mile long run this weekend.
The business is doing well, better than I expected to come back to this Monday. Our personal isn't, but I have bought a new microwave, a new coffee maker and a new digital scale that I still need to go and pick up today from Walmart. It also supposedly tells the body fat percentage, but I am not too worried about that part, I am just sick of guessing what those older scales say. I am sleepy, even though Dorian has been falling asleep before midnight and I think I am getting 7 hours of sleep, I still feel tired. I actually feel more tired if I get 7 hours of sleep rather than just 5 hours.
I am trying to wait patiently for my new coffee maker, especially now that I am not using my older one. Two weeks ago it started taking 1 hour to fix 16 oz, when it used to do that in 10-15 minutes. I have no idea why and am really irritated about it, I kind of wish I had gone to the store and bought my coffee maker but having a newborn makes things like that a little difficult.
I am going to see what my 10k race time was last year, just curious on how I did Saturday night compared to almost one year ago. Eh, I was 12 minutes slower than last year but that is alright, I am okay with that.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
My training, and my Little Angel
I didn't get out yesterday morning to do my 6 mile run, and was a little disappointed at first because it would have been in the high 50's to low 60's if I had ran and I really wanted to feel that temperature. I am very glad I didn't go, my sister was able to run later that evening and we did our 6 miles together, granted I winged it on the route choosing but sometimes it is fun when you don't exactly have a plan and just go as the GPS on your Garmin tells you. Our pace averaged just under 12 minutes, our splits were:
Mile 1 - 12:03 / Mile 2 - 11:23 / Mile 3 - 12:16 / Mile 4 - 12:21 / Mile 5 - 12:09 / Mile 6 - 11:45
I felt I could have gone another couple miles at 11:58 mpm pace but I am going to stick to my training plan for now and not risk injury just because I was feeling pretty good and the weather was great (71 degrees). After Half Marathon my plan is to average my weekly runs to 5 miles (2 times a week), with a fast 1 mile run for a speed workout and the weekend long runs to be between 8-10 miles hopefully averaging 15-20 miles a week.
I am excited, things are going well with training. Dorian is a gift, blessing and a dream I never imagined coming true. He's already so strong, so aware of his surroundings, and too smart for his own good lol. Everyone who meets him can't believe how happy his is, and everything else. Cameron and I know exactly why, not because we just got lucky with a well behaved child but because his parents love him, love each other and he lives in a stable, secure house unlike so many other children whose parents are constantly arguing and fighting or ignoring the child, and again everyone tells us we're obsessed, that we're spoiling him..... so what if we're obsessed with our child... we're supposed to be! And if loving him, socializing him, interacting with him, and working on his developmental milestones is spoiling him then that is quite alright with us. He's my contribution to this world, a clean slate that needs influencing, teaching and good (and bad) experiences with a good head on his shoulders, and the only way for that is to build a strong bond with him from the beginning. I know he is going to go through changes, especially when puberty starts and it will be tough but hopefully with a strong bond, setting a good example for him, teach him morals, value and the difference between right and wrong (and WHY), it won't be too difficult. So many people I know are just counting the days when their child/dren will be out the door and out of their hair... why??? It's an amazing experience, a whole new chapter just waiting to be written, I just don't understand their way of thinking but I sure won't think that.
I plan to set a great example for Dorian, healthy lifestyle, an honest living, quality over quantity and definitely living over materialistic crap. Hopefully he'll grow up learning and watching me closely, and grow a strong interest in running, or anything athletic really (but definitely running). Okay, I'm done. :)
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Life can Suck a Little
Ugh.... sometimes I really wish I just worked somewhere and I didn't have to worry about how the company was doing fine or not. It can be so stressful having this kind of responsibility, but I know it is the only way I can have Dorian with me. I don't think I could function very well if he was at a babysitter all day, my mind would constantly be worrying about him and his safety and happiness. I just don't know how some people can do that, go to work and leave their children with someone else all day, it would drive me crazy. As usual, machines are acting up at a time where we just don't have the money to really spare, but we don't have a choice.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Today Blows Major
I am ready for the day to be over, scrapping up to $400 worth of parts because I stacked them too high. Now Cameron is pissed off at me, I am on a roll and so close to being fired. I don't want to lose this privilege of being able to have Dorian with me all day, I don't think I could trust anyone else with him all day and that would consume me everyday where I wouldn't be able to get anything done. I don't feel good anymore, my stomach hurts and I am hungry but I don't want to eat, I just want to get back into bed and lay there with my knees drawn up. I am not going to get to run today, that stupid concert is tonight and I am only going half way through it because it is 7 hours long and I am not going to be away from Dorian that long. It starts at 5 but I won't leave for it until about 8 p.m, mom is expected to come out to the house at 8 but I might see if she can come out around 7 p.m so I can run my 4 miles and then take a shower and head to the concert unless I decide not to go at all. After earlier, I really don't want to go. I don't want to miss 4 hours with my son after today, when I am so close to losing my job here and then having to find a babysitter for Dorian.
At 6:30-7 p.m I might take Dorian with me out for a little run depending on his mood and how I feel. If I can get just 2 miles in, that is better than nothing at all, though I would prefer 4 miles. I guess we'll just have to see how things go today, if I can't run then I might just dance around the living room while he is asleep. Try and get 1 hour of dancing in to make up for no running.
I just want today to be over with, I want to go home and sleep.
At 6:30-7 p.m I might take Dorian with me out for a little run depending on his mood and how I feel. If I can get just 2 miles in, that is better than nothing at all, though I would prefer 4 miles. I guess we'll just have to see how things go today, if I can't run then I might just dance around the living room while he is asleep. Try and get 1 hour of dancing in to make up for no running.
I just want today to be over with, I want to go home and sleep.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
When will the Weight Start Falling Off
I am about to lose my mind, my patience is already gone and I am beginning to run out of sanity. I am almost 4 months post pregnant and still 150 lbs, and have probably gained more. I have cut my calorie goal on myfitnesspal.com from 2490 to 2100 a few weeks ago, because I couldn't make it to 2490 calories a day, my milk supply hasn't decreased but neither has my weight. I am up to 4 miles now, 2 times a week and my long run this Saturday will be 5 miles. I just want to know when I will start losing these 15 lbs, when will I start getting back the body I used to have because right now it just doesn't look like it is going to happen within the next year. I did a lot of strength training back in 2010 to lose the weight, weighing 155 lbs in February and weighing myself in May at 134 lbs, losing 21 lbs in 3 months and now I can't go to a gym and I know that is the only way I am going to lose this weight. Dorian will probably be 5 years old before I can start going to a gym and working out, I am going to be 151 lbs or whatever for years now, again living the life of a fat ass, chubby woman.
This running isn't helping at all, I figured once I got pass 3 miles that I would slowly start thinning out but nothing has happened. My first 3 miles was almost a month ago, on June 30 and you would think with the low calories and the breast pumping that I would be losing weight. This is just very discouraging,
This running isn't helping at all, I figured once I got pass 3 miles that I would slowly start thinning out but nothing has happened. My first 3 miles was almost a month ago, on June 30 and you would think with the low calories and the breast pumping that I would be losing weight. This is just very discouraging,
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
A little bit of Everything
Dorian is beautiful, growing so well and getting so close to crawling and he loves doing his baby talk, interacting with everyone around him. Life is slowly getting more balanced, though there have been a few surprises at work that have shown me how much I need to get more organized and better at what I do. My running is doing well, I am past 3 miles now and slowly moving ever so closer to my goal of two 5 mile runs during the week and one long run that will be between 8-12 miles. I am excited, hopefully I won't have anymore "interruptions" and can keep a steady 15-20 mpw throughout winter if we have a nice mild winter like this last one. I hope to do a full Marathon in the next year or two, my biggest goal is to do ultra marathons but trail ones as I love trails. I'd like to do at least one Utra Marathon a year, within the next 5 years.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Barely Hanging on
I am to the point, actually I am just about beyond that point an I am about to jump off of it. I am sick of looking in the mirror, I am sick of my jiggly ass fat stomach and my thick, fatty thighs that will never go away. The only thing that helps me deal with this is running, so when I can't run, I slowly begin to lose my mind and want so badly to start ripping at my flesh, just scratching and cutting at this ugliness. I am at the mercy of this weather, this bullshit, humid hot fucking weather and it is driving me into the ground. I have to wait until Cameron and everyone is in bed before I can run tonight, just so I can make sure that Dorian doesn't wake up and get upset that I am not around.
I honestly think this feeling has hit close to it's highest peak today, and nobody can or is willing to understand why I feel this way. I've got nobody to talk to, nobody that can even BEGIN to understand why I want so badly to run, or why I feel like completely dog shit when I miss a run.
I honestly think this feeling has hit close to it's highest peak today, and nobody can or is willing to understand why I feel this way. I've got nobody to talk to, nobody that can even BEGIN to understand why I want so badly to run, or why I feel like completely dog shit when I miss a run.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Two Plank Positions Today
This morning I did the Plank Position for 2 minutes and 10 seconds, and just a few minutes ago I did it again for 2 minutes. I am trying to do the Plank as much as possible today because I don't know if I will be able to do my ab work out. Dorian's 2 month wellness check up was this morning and it kind of screwed up the schedule but I don't mind losing a work out session if it means hearing how perfect my little man is. The doctor said he is in the 20% with his weight, 25% with his height and is overall just beautiful and growing great, he was born at 7 lbs and 3 oz and already at 2 months and 2 weeks old he weighs right around 11 lbs. She said his developmental milestones are coming along nicely, smiling, agooing, agahing, bubble making, his motor skills are smoothing out, he is able to hold his weight on his legs (with support of course), he holds his head very nicely, he is so strong. The only thing he hasn't done yet is laugh, well not the baby laugh everyone thinks of, situations where a baby might normally laugh, he just opens his mouth real wide and smile or stick his tongue out. His eyes speak volume, he doesn't even need to talk to let me know how he feels, his facial expressions are so strong and amazing. At his 4 month check up we will begin his vaccines, 2 at that appointment and then another set at his 6 month appointment, so on and so forth, the vaccines will be spread out over time, mainly 2 vacs at each appointment.
Tomorrow is going to be in the triple digits, I am so getting my butt out of bed at 4 a.m and running because it will be around 70 degrees then. I don't know if Jump Start will run at 6 p.m, because it will still be like 103 degrees and there is no way I would be out there, no freaking way at all. I am getting tired of this heat, and I honestly don't really mind running by myself. Back when I started running in 2010, I really enjoyed running with the groups and having my MP3 player, but now I find myself enjoying runs by myself and without my music. Strange.............
Tomorrow is going to be in the triple digits, I am so getting my butt out of bed at 4 a.m and running because it will be around 70 degrees then. I don't know if Jump Start will run at 6 p.m, because it will still be like 103 degrees and there is no way I would be out there, no freaking way at all. I am getting tired of this heat, and I honestly don't really mind running by myself. Back when I started running in 2010, I really enjoyed running with the groups and having my MP3 player, but now I find myself enjoying runs by myself and without my music. Strange.............
Another 2 Minute and 30 Second Plank
Last night I did my Plank Position for 2 minutes and 30 seconds, after running the 2.5 mile run that morning. I am going to keep logging my plank position to keep track of my progress so I can keep an eye on my improvement.
This morning, I made it to 2 minutes and 10 seconds which still isn't bad. It's pretty good because for the past week or so I have been doing 2 minutes or more, hopefully the next time I am able to make it to 2:30 I will try and go past it and see if I can make it to 3 minutes.
This morning, I made it to 2 minutes and 10 seconds which still isn't bad. It's pretty good because for the past week or so I have been doing 2 minutes or more, hopefully the next time I am able to make it to 2:30 I will try and go past it and see if I can make it to 3 minutes.
Monday, June 25, 2012
"No Title"
This morning I did my 6 sets of 100 Bicycle Crunches, 5 sets of 25 Love Handle Crunches, and 5 sets of 24 Oblique Crunches. This late afternoon I did the Plank for 2 minutes and 5 seconds, my arms were getting rather tired although I really wanted to get to 2 minutes and 30 seconds but I am just glad that I got to 2 minutes at least. I am seriously thinking of increasing my bicycle crunches or adding another ab work out into the mix, because I just don't feel like I am doing enough.
This week is going to be hitting the triple digits, except tomorrow is going to be around 86 in the evening. I've decided that I am going to try and get my run in at around 6 a.m tomorrow morning as it will be around 61 degrees and I might do that Thursday, Cameron and Ethan don't leave the house until about 7:30 a.m so I should be able to make it back home in time and Dorian still be asleep. I'll probably put his bottle out to let the breast milk warm up.
This week is going to be hitting the triple digits, except tomorrow is going to be around 86 in the evening. I've decided that I am going to try and get my run in at around 6 a.m tomorrow morning as it will be around 61 degrees and I might do that Thursday, Cameron and Ethan don't leave the house until about 7:30 a.m so I should be able to make it back home in time and Dorian still be asleep. I'll probably put his bottle out to let the breast milk warm up.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
My Ruger Sr40C
Yesterday I finally got to shoot my pistol, and I was pretty nervous at first because 1: I didn't know what to expect on the kick, 2: I was definitely scared of the gun, worrying on if I dropped it, mishandled it, pinched myself, 3: that Ethan and Preston would make comments and jokes. But they didn't, they were actually very nice and didn't make me feel like an idiot. And I began to feel more and more comfortable with shooting my gun, I wasn't yet holding the trigger down through the whole mag but I was getting quicker after each bullet. I can't wait to go shoot again, get more comfortable and begin focusing on aiming, pulling it from the holster quickly. I am still going to carry my pepper spray, and a knife at all times because you never know which one will be the best option in a situation. "
Dorian is just adorable, and I cannot say that enough. During pregnancy and when I found out I was pregnant I would go through these thoughts of fear, so used to being an individual and going about doing whatever whenever, thinking all that would change but now I just can't imagine life without him. He is so amazing and life really hasn't changed a whole lot, but a lot of that has been thanks to Cameron being so willing and understanding of things. If I could talk face to face with my creator, I would thank him/her for blessing me with Dorian because he truly is a blessing in my life.
Dorian is just adorable, and I cannot say that enough. During pregnancy and when I found out I was pregnant I would go through these thoughts of fear, so used to being an individual and going about doing whatever whenever, thinking all that would change but now I just can't imagine life without him. He is so amazing and life really hasn't changed a whole lot, but a lot of that has been thanks to Cameron being so willing and understanding of things. If I could talk face to face with my creator, I would thank him/her for blessing me with Dorian because he truly is a blessing in my life.
Friday, June 22, 2012
This morning's Ab Workout
I made it to 600 again with my bicycle crunches, 6 sets of 100 and it was kind of hard as I was really feeling the soreness from Wednesday's workout but I kept on it until I finished. I also did 5 sets of 15 Love Handle Crunches and 7 sets of 12 Oblique Crunches.
I am going to aim for 2 minutes on the Plank Position later today, maybe a little longer if I can handle it but we will have to see.
I am going to aim for 2 minutes on the Plank Position later today, maybe a little longer if I can handle it but we will have to see.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
A Milestone this Morning
This morning after I pumped, I decided to do the plank position and get myself to 2 minutes before quitting, for the last 3 days or so I have been able to do 2 minutes. Well, when I hit 2 minutes I decided to push more and try longer. I made it to 2 minutes and 32 seconds this morning!!!!!!!! I am so excited, and hoping this is a milestone that will gradually keep climbing, I know I might not make it to 2 minutes everyday because my arms have to bear the weight as well and sometimes they are just tired, I also still feel it in my left knee which is why I am hoping that the Plank Position doesn't effect tonight's run. They say in order to reach 2 minutes, your core must be in fit condition... or maybe it is all of the abdominal muscles? I can't remember, but since I have been reaching 2 minutes for a couple days straight now, all I am really needing at this point is to burn the fat away so that my muscles will start showing through. The only way that is really going to happen is with running, so I am going to try and be patient, more patient than usual which is EXTREMELY difficult for me. I think I have too much time for my mind to go around with all this, probably why I could never finish any of my books, I always start off great and know where I am going to go with it but then by the 3 chapter I've already finished it in my head......... ugh and I had some really good stories that could have been published.
Tonight's run is 2 miles, I told Shauna already that I am going to take it slow and easy, at least for the first mile and then see where I am at after that mile. Last Tuesday, I only had maybe 2 or 3 16 oz bottles of water, that could have also been a issue too. We will have to see how tonight goes, see what works tonight and what might not have worked Tuesday night.
Dorian is getting so big, he is already 11 lbs at almost 10 weeks old and talking so much (baby talk, not forming words yet) and smiling. He is so adorable, I honestly don't think I could fall anymore in love with him than I already am. Even at this age he is already showing so much personality it is unbelievable, I can't wait to see him at 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, 4 years and so on but I am going to miss these first months.
Tonight's run is 2 miles, I told Shauna already that I am going to take it slow and easy, at least for the first mile and then see where I am at after that mile. Last Tuesday, I only had maybe 2 or 3 16 oz bottles of water, that could have also been a issue too. We will have to see how tonight goes, see what works tonight and what might not have worked Tuesday night.
Dorian is getting so big, he is already 11 lbs at almost 10 weeks old and talking so much (baby talk, not forming words yet) and smiling. He is so adorable, I honestly don't think I could fall anymore in love with him than I already am. Even at this age he is already showing so much personality it is unbelievable, I can't wait to see him at 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, 4 years and so on but I am going to miss these first months.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Revelations with Last Night's Run
Last night's run was discouraging, I am not going to lie at all. So many things went wrong, I am now wondering if this is good idea... already training for the October Half. So many things are against me right now, and they are not excuses but explanations:
- I am carrying 15 extra lbs and I am beginning to feel it in my knees, shins and ankle.
- The 90 degree weather has hit without giving me a chance adapt, the extra lbs make it harder.
- November 2011 to May 2012, I did not keep up on my RUNNING mileage, this issue could be a too much too soon.
- I am still recovering from pregnancy and delivery, but my legs.... or mind want to run at my average pace (before pregnancy weight gain), 10:00-10:30 min/mile but my body just doesn't seem ready as the mileage keeps increasing.
- I want to keep up with Shauna.
- I stretched before I ran, last year I learned that doesn't really work for me.
It hurts, it sucks and it is very disheartening. A big part of me is glad I ran, but still discouraged by it. I am a little worried, maybe I should have not started jump start, maybe I should have slowly began by myself and built my base mileage again..... maybe yesterday was just one of those crappy days, from now on I will not stretch before the runs, I will stretch after and throughout the days. I can only hope tomorrow's 2 mile run will not involve so much pain, and I will be icing my knee/s and ankle/s after every run from now on.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
It Just Isn't In Me
.... To quit that is, no matter how upset or impatient I am, I just don't have it in me to give up. Maybe it's my stubborn, bull headed nature, maybe it's my way of obsessing over things, maybe deep down I truly don't feel at a loss and saying those things just help me push harder....? I've always been better at proving people and myself wrong, I've always done greater when swimming against the current rather than with it. Maybe it helps me when I talk myself down.... I am my worst, honest critic and I don't enjoy an easy victory, what fun would an easy victory be? I've grown up proving my enemies wrong, and even the loved ones who are skeptic of my goals, or even say things to hurt me during arguments. Famous song of Aguilara (not written by her): It makes me that much stronger.
Revelations are nice......... sometimes
Revelations are nice......... sometimes
Monday, June 18, 2012
Life is Funny and Cruel
Strange thing about men, they will almost always tell you the truth when they are angry, you can just about guarantee that they will tell you exactly how they really feel when you piss them off. At that point they don't give a crap, they don't care if they stomp all over you or break you into tiny pieces just to prove a point. You can almost always be assured that they will come back later on and apologize for things they said, trying to say none of those things were true but that is the lie. It does hurt, it hurts a lot to know that the person you married really can't stand you, they can't stand a lot of the things you do but apparently hold it in and keep quiet until they just can't take it anymore..... but what does he have to lose? I have nowhere to go, I don't have a job, haven't had a real job since 2008 so it would be harder than hell to find a good one, I cannot go back and live with my mom, I will not put Dorian into that tiny, falling apart, disgusting house. Cameron knows this, he knows I have nowhere to go, and men love knowing they have this kind of leverage over their woman, it gives them unbelievable power to control arguments and situations. He screams and yells at me during arguments, making me wish like hell I could kill myself, I feel like such a piece of shit while he has women in his office talking about how much black cock they had back when they were young, how many men they were with. He goes to Rural King and sees Jean, then can't stop talking about her for days, he always find a reason or excuse to bring her up in any conversation he is having with anyone. He calls me a stupid, selfish brat, which yes I know I can be selfish and bratty but I am sick of being the only one who cleans at the house or at least tries to, while his darling son doesn't do jack shit at home and goes out fucking around at night all because he works at the shop out on the floor.......... I used to have a job too, working all day and still had to come home and clean and try and take care of the house with no help at all while those two brats got to come home from sleeping in class to sleep at home, not bothering to help me at all. And even when I was out on the shop floor working all day with no paycheck unlike Ethan, I still had to do all the cleaning with no help. He talks about how much shit he has had to put up with my family and how I have no idea or whatever, for the first 2 years we were together nobody of my family knew about us and he still screamed at me during arguments, threatening to kick my ass to the curb and making me feel like a piece of ugly, dog shit, and the only family that has given him shit was my mom, sister and my dad's side WHICH I don't even hardly talk to anymore because of how they attacked him when I had gotten pregnant back in 2009 (miscarried). He talks about all the crap I have, the Tahoe, the camera, the office, a nice home, able to do just about anything I want..... and so I am a spoiled brat, I would give ALL of that up for him to actually spend time with me, go walking, hiking, riding, anything that does not involve that stupid ass television or the shop, other than those 2 things being his 24/7 passion, then there's the music which really he doesn't do a lot of anymore so that isn't a big deal at all. I would give all my shit up, just for him to go out and enjoy life with me again, more than just 2-5 times a year, like we used to before Chaos got bigger and busier, but he won't, he won't ever bother to join me ever again.
The only help I ask for at home is with the trash, somebody else could maybe put the dishes in the dishwasher, take out the trash from all rooms, sweeping the kitchen sometimes, any of that would be enough help for me but nobody will. During my pregnancy, up until January when Preston moved out I was doing the little box just about as much as he was, and then when it was Ethan's duty to clean it out, he might have done it 12 times out of 3 months, I gave up asking or telling and just did it myself.
I need to just forget about it, forget about thinking that I am someone in this family and just suck it up that I am nobody, my place is at the bottom of this food chain, and I need to start remembering that...... to Cameron I am nobody, I wouldn't survive out there on my own without him, that I am weaker than all these other bitches including Jean who had her own place. I know Cameron would take Dorian from me in a heartbeat, and not think twice about it if he kicked my ass out, I'll die before I lose Dorian. I know I would kill anyone who would try and take him from me, or at least try to kill them, he is the only constant, great thing in my life now. Even though I am not the best mother, probably not really even a great or good mother for him, I am too stubborn to just give up and leave him behind. In the end..... the truest problem Cameron has with me is that I am a female, I am hated and demonized all because I had to be born with a vagina between my legs instead of a penis.
The only help I ask for at home is with the trash, somebody else could maybe put the dishes in the dishwasher, take out the trash from all rooms, sweeping the kitchen sometimes, any of that would be enough help for me but nobody will. During my pregnancy, up until January when Preston moved out I was doing the little box just about as much as he was, and then when it was Ethan's duty to clean it out, he might have done it 12 times out of 3 months, I gave up asking or telling and just did it myself.
I need to just forget about it, forget about thinking that I am someone in this family and just suck it up that I am nobody, my place is at the bottom of this food chain, and I need to start remembering that...... to Cameron I am nobody, I wouldn't survive out there on my own without him, that I am weaker than all these other bitches including Jean who had her own place. I know Cameron would take Dorian from me in a heartbeat, and not think twice about it if he kicked my ass out, I'll die before I lose Dorian. I know I would kill anyone who would try and take him from me, or at least try to kill them, he is the only constant, great thing in my life now. Even though I am not the best mother, probably not really even a great or good mother for him, I am too stubborn to just give up and leave him behind. In the end..... the truest problem Cameron has with me is that I am a female, I am hated and demonized all because I had to be born with a vagina between my legs instead of a penis.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Finding a Balance
These last 2 months have been quite crazy; the new little bundle of life that depends on me, the office and shipments, my husband and my training. This week I finally added my other love back in, photography. It is a bit more difficult than before and forces me to use more creativity than I ever have, which is a good thing but is definitely a challenge. Right now, I've begun to take my camera with me when I take Dorian and Molly (my dog) for a walk in the evenings or morning and these first 2 outings I just had my regular lens but next outing I might use my longer lens.... who knows.
I am slowly getting back to being able to do the Plank Position for 2 minutes each time, it is all a matter of forcing myself to hold out and maybe after a week or two I will start forcing myself to hold out for an extra 10 seconds and just keep adding. This morning I did 400 bicycle crunches: 8 sets of 50, equaling to 25 each side which totaled to 200 each side. I am not finished with the love handle crunch today, this morning I only did 3 sets of 25 each side, and 2 sets of Oblique Crunches, 12 reps on each side so I am definitely not finished with those two. I am also adding push ups on my ab workout days, right now I've divided them into 10 reps, 3 times throughout the day. I am excited to getting back into the swing of things now, and am slowly beginning to see my body starting to trim down.........SLOWLY.
Tonight Cameron is meeting our CPA tonight at 4:30 and is not sure if he will make it back in time to watch Dorian for my run, so Shauna and I might end up running at 8 p.m and I will be taking Dorian with most likely which will be interesting as we are doing 1.75 miles. It will be around 79 degrees so hopefully it won't be too bad and Shauna is still not feeling to great, I am kind of hoping to add some fartleks into this run but we will see how things go. Here are one of my photos I shot yesterday, this on is Cameron's favorite and I like it too.
I am slowly getting back to being able to do the Plank Position for 2 minutes each time, it is all a matter of forcing myself to hold out and maybe after a week or two I will start forcing myself to hold out for an extra 10 seconds and just keep adding. This morning I did 400 bicycle crunches: 8 sets of 50, equaling to 25 each side which totaled to 200 each side. I am not finished with the love handle crunch today, this morning I only did 3 sets of 25 each side, and 2 sets of Oblique Crunches, 12 reps on each side so I am definitely not finished with those two. I am also adding push ups on my ab workout days, right now I've divided them into 10 reps, 3 times throughout the day. I am excited to getting back into the swing of things now, and am slowly beginning to see my body starting to trim down.........SLOWLY.
Tonight Cameron is meeting our CPA tonight at 4:30 and is not sure if he will make it back in time to watch Dorian for my run, so Shauna and I might end up running at 8 p.m and I will be taking Dorian with most likely which will be interesting as we are doing 1.75 miles. It will be around 79 degrees so hopefully it won't be too bad and Shauna is still not feeling to great, I am kind of hoping to add some fartleks into this run but we will see how things go. Here are one of my photos I shot yesterday, this on is Cameron's favorite and I like it too.
I love making one color "pop" out as everything else is black and white.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
........Can't think of a Title
I got up this morning and noticed in the mirror that I am finally starting to trim up a little, which makes me feel a bit better. This week I've started back up on my "Punish the Abs" workouts 3 days a week, before my pregnancy I was doing 300 Bicycle Crunches, 300 Raised Leg Crunches, 200 K-Bell crunches, and 200 Oblique Crunches three days a week while doing my plank position every other day around 2-3 minutes. I felt great and loved the pain and soreness that came from it, and can't wait to get back to that regimen, right now I average about 100 of each but throughout the day instead of in just one setting.
Tonight we do 1.5 miles and I wonder if Shauna and I should use this as our speed workout but I am not sure if I want to. I have never tried to focus on speed during runs, though I hear a lot about them. Hopefully we don't get hit by another stop light dang it, I am wondering if she and I should add one day of speed work into the week, maybe at a school track or the YMCA, starting with just a lap to see how we do. I mean the question is: do we really need to? I will talk to Shauna about it and see what she thinks, it would be nice to use one of the weekly runs now, but I don't know how long your speed workouts are supposed to be. Maybe we could just start adding in a few 40 second fast pace sprints in our regular Tuesday runs, I don't really want them close to our long runs though. I think they call them Fartleks, which is a funny word actually.
Dorian weighed in at 9 lbs and 13.5 oz last night, he should reach 10 lbs by this weekend, he is getting so big. I love this little angel so much, I honestly wish he could stay this little for a while longer as he is growing up too fast already. He is going to be 2 months old next Wednesday, it just doesn't feel like it has been 2 months since he was born but it has been. I hear and read so much: how a lot of mothers don't feel that immediate crazed love and attachment to their newborns, how many parents are disappointed at their newborns appearance as they were expecting something else, and how newborns look funny and weird.... but Dorian was perfect the moment he was born, such a beautiful little baby, and he is exactly as I have pictured and dreamed of for so long. And yes, I felt that crazed love, my heart melted the moment I pulled him out of the water and looked into his eyes staring back at me, my heart stopped and so did time for a just a few moments and I knew then that my life was complete with this little boy.
Other than those things, everything else is pretty much normal.
Tonight we do 1.5 miles and I wonder if Shauna and I should use this as our speed workout but I am not sure if I want to. I have never tried to focus on speed during runs, though I hear a lot about them. Hopefully we don't get hit by another stop light dang it, I am wondering if she and I should add one day of speed work into the week, maybe at a school track or the YMCA, starting with just a lap to see how we do. I mean the question is: do we really need to? I will talk to Shauna about it and see what she thinks, it would be nice to use one of the weekly runs now, but I don't know how long your speed workouts are supposed to be. Maybe we could just start adding in a few 40 second fast pace sprints in our regular Tuesday runs, I don't really want them close to our long runs though. I think they call them Fartleks, which is a funny word actually.
Dorian weighed in at 9 lbs and 13.5 oz last night, he should reach 10 lbs by this weekend, he is getting so big. I love this little angel so much, I honestly wish he could stay this little for a while longer as he is growing up too fast already. He is going to be 2 months old next Wednesday, it just doesn't feel like it has been 2 months since he was born but it has been. I hear and read so much: how a lot of mothers don't feel that immediate crazed love and attachment to their newborns, how many parents are disappointed at their newborns appearance as they were expecting something else, and how newborns look funny and weird.... but Dorian was perfect the moment he was born, such a beautiful little baby, and he is exactly as I have pictured and dreamed of for so long. And yes, I felt that crazed love, my heart melted the moment I pulled him out of the water and looked into his eyes staring back at me, my heart stopped and so did time for a just a few moments and I knew then that my life was complete with this little boy.
Other than those things, everything else is pretty much normal.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
I am Sick of this Shit
I honestly know why I am no hurry to get birth control, because I am in no hurry to start having sex again. I hate the way I look, I know I am unattractive and he's not wanting sex because of me which is obvious, I've lost count on all the titty and pussy movies he's been watching. I don't give a shit if we don't have sex ever again, I don't give a shit if he starts going somewhere else for it, or jerking off or whatever the fuck he feels he needs to do to relieve himself, because I am not interested.
I am sick of being insulted on a daily basis, made to feel like some sort of failure at everything: a Failure at the office, a failure at home and house cleaning, a failure at being a wife, and not to mention a failure at being a mother. I can't breastfeed, my nipples don't stick out enough so I have to pump pretty much exclusively, I can't talk baby to him out of sheer embarrassment. I just want to scream, I just want to scratch at my skin until it bleeds, I just want to get out of the house and drive until I have no idea why I am out driving.... but I can't do any of that now, I have to play strong for Dorian, I have to do my best not to show any weakness or stress which I am pretty much failing at anyways.
I am sick of being insulted on a daily basis, made to feel like some sort of failure at everything: a Failure at the office, a failure at home and house cleaning, a failure at being a wife, and not to mention a failure at being a mother. I can't breastfeed, my nipples don't stick out enough so I have to pump pretty much exclusively, I can't talk baby to him out of sheer embarrassment. I just want to scream, I just want to scratch at my skin until it bleeds, I just want to get out of the house and drive until I have no idea why I am out driving.... but I can't do any of that now, I have to play strong for Dorian, I have to do my best not to show any weakness or stress which I am pretty much failing at anyways.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Moving???
There was a time, more than a year ago that I would have been excited with the idea of moving out of Evansville, and possibly Indiana. Up until recently I always felt like something was missing, a part of me left unsatisfied. But then I found the YMCA running group, a new love for running and competing in races here in the Evansville area. And now Dorian, with Dorian I feel complete and the idea of living my life out here in the Southern part of Indiana doesn't sound too bad really.
Unfortunately Cameron has found what seems to be a once in a lifetime on this huge building........ in Illinois near Terra Haute, an hour and a half away from Evansville. There was a time in my life that this would have been exciting news to hear, moving at of this area and somewhere else......... but 1: It is still in Indiana, 2: Now that Dorian is here, I don't really want to move from everyone, 3: I've made a lot of friends here in this area with the running, 4: I don't know.
Part of me is excited, interested and intrigued but most of me is nervous and reluctant. But as Cameron is always ready to point out; my feelings don't matter if they don't agree with his. I don't know if I would have felt this way 2 years ago, or if I would have been excited or not..... Last night he said it was very unlikely that he would get this building, but today he talked to one of the guys who own it and seems to be in a better mood than before. He has headed up there today for the guy to give him a walk through, and probably be up there until this evening. I will most likely have to take Dorian either with my on the run depending on the temperature around 6 or have mom watch him, not sure yet what I am going to do.
I just don't know how to feel....... he mentioned how I can come down and visit with my family on the weekends, and the move probably wouldn't happen for another 4-6 months anyways but still.... my sister and I have just begun running together and training for the Half this October which I am sure I won't lose any of my training days during this and I will still be able to run the Half but what about next year and the following? I have a running partner now, the running partner I have been wanting for over 10 years... now all this is happening :( I mean Cameron did try mentioning that the town that this building was in had people running everywhere, young people, older people, seniors just running everywhere he looked......... I guess I just thought I would be excited if and when this day came :'( but I am not.
Unfortunately Cameron has found what seems to be a once in a lifetime on this huge building........ in Illinois near Terra Haute, an hour and a half away from Evansville. There was a time in my life that this would have been exciting news to hear, moving at of this area and somewhere else......... but 1: It is still in Indiana, 2: Now that Dorian is here, I don't really want to move from everyone, 3: I've made a lot of friends here in this area with the running, 4: I don't know.
Part of me is excited, interested and intrigued but most of me is nervous and reluctant. But as Cameron is always ready to point out; my feelings don't matter if they don't agree with his. I don't know if I would have felt this way 2 years ago, or if I would have been excited or not..... Last night he said it was very unlikely that he would get this building, but today he talked to one of the guys who own it and seems to be in a better mood than before. He has headed up there today for the guy to give him a walk through, and probably be up there until this evening. I will most likely have to take Dorian either with my on the run depending on the temperature around 6 or have mom watch him, not sure yet what I am going to do.
I just don't know how to feel....... he mentioned how I can come down and visit with my family on the weekends, and the move probably wouldn't happen for another 4-6 months anyways but still.... my sister and I have just begun running together and training for the Half this October which I am sure I won't lose any of my training days during this and I will still be able to run the Half but what about next year and the following? I have a running partner now, the running partner I have been wanting for over 10 years... now all this is happening :( I mean Cameron did try mentioning that the town that this building was in had people running everywhere, young people, older people, seniors just running everywhere he looked......... I guess I just thought I would be excited if and when this day came :'( but I am not.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Great to Know I can Always Count on Him....Not
I'd be fucked if I was in serious trouble trying to call my fucking husband, because he is so good at rejecting and ignoring my calls. What is even more fucked up is he'll claim that they never came through while I know from doing it myself that when it rings a couple times and goes straight to voice mail, that is because the receiver has rejected the phone call and sent it there. I am almost tempted to just have mom watch Dorian during my runs, while she is watching Caleb and Skyler (I was uneasy about it because Caleb can be violent) because I don't want to give Cameron something to hang over me during arguments as if he really does so much for me. I am done with it, I don't want anymore of his help, if he wants to hold the baby it has to be because he wants to hold Dorian not because he wants to help me out. His half ass bullshit has him thinking he does so much, and then he goes and claims I had 3 weeks off???? What 3 weeks, 1: I just had a baby and was trying to learn and figure things out (still am), 2: out of those 3 weeks I probably stayed home only a week and a half while coming in to the shop and dealing with bullshit, 3: I didn't sit on my ass and do nothing and 4: after the 3 weeks I came in and had to clean up and fix Stephanie's mess and fuck ups and I am still doing all that! But does he go and blame her, or reprimand her somehow..... no not at all! I get fucking yelled at, screamed at, threatened and made to feel like a total failure!
I failed at breastfeeding, and have been struggling to pump for 3 weeks now which I will probably fail at that very shortly as my milk supply isn't catching up, he has to eat every 3-4 hours and by the time 3 or 4 hours rolls around my breasts are still almost empty. I am a failure, the house looks and smells like shit, my baby cries and hasn't even really smiled at me yet while smiling to everyone else because I am such a horrible fucking mother, a worthless human being! I don't know what to do, I have nobody to talk to because nobody will actually listen to me, I can tell when shit goes in one ear and out the other and then they just repeat "it's fine, get over it, blah blah blah". I honestly don't know how much more I can take before doing something seriously stupid, and that makes me feel even more like shit.
I was hoping the running would help soothe my sanity, but I am pretty sure it isn't as I am just expecting to fail at the training as well.
I failed at breastfeeding, and have been struggling to pump for 3 weeks now which I will probably fail at that very shortly as my milk supply isn't catching up, he has to eat every 3-4 hours and by the time 3 or 4 hours rolls around my breasts are still almost empty. I am a failure, the house looks and smells like shit, my baby cries and hasn't even really smiled at me yet while smiling to everyone else because I am such a horrible fucking mother, a worthless human being! I don't know what to do, I have nobody to talk to because nobody will actually listen to me, I can tell when shit goes in one ear and out the other and then they just repeat "it's fine, get over it, blah blah blah". I honestly don't know how much more I can take before doing something seriously stupid, and that makes me feel even more like shit.
I was hoping the running would help soothe my sanity, but I am pretty sure it isn't as I am just expecting to fail at the training as well.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Trying to Deal with my Insecurities
I kind of knew this would happen, after giving birth I would have a while before my body would tone down but damn it this is extremely difficult to deal with. It took me 1 and a half year to tone and slim down my thighs to a point I can feel comfortable with and wear my short shorts without feeling like shit, and it took me a year to get my stomach tone and tight enough for me to actually feel happy with. 90% of this came from going to the gym for one hour, 5 days a week for 4 months of strength training to lose 25 lbs, and then the running and training that burned off the fat. I am not able to go to the gym now, and I don't know what good the Half Marathon training this summer will do now.......... I miss this body
My thighs weren't yet perfect but I was feeling pretty satisfied with where my body was going, and I wonder when and if I will ever see this again.......... or at least within the next 5 years.
My thighs weren't yet perfect but I was feeling pretty satisfied with where my body was going, and I wonder when and if I will ever see this again.......... or at least within the next 5 years.
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