Using Hammer Phytolean

  Last week I purchased Hammer Nutrition's Phytolean which is supposed to help those already working out or training 6 to 12 hours a week but still can't get rid of those last 5-10 lbs. I won't go into detail of how it helps but I am hoping it will help me at least tone up and lose 5 lbs. 
  I received it today, so I measured myself today and will measure and weigh myself a month from today to see if there are any changes. Here are my measurements as of April 1, 2014
Weight - 145 lbs
Waist - 29 inches
Hips - 36 inches
Thighs - 23 inches

   My dream or goal is:
Weight - 138-140 lbs
Waist - 25-27 inches
Hips - 32-34 inches
Thighs - 20-21 inches

  So a month from now, May 1, 2014 I will weigh myself again to see if there has been any changes.

You're Always on my Mind Molly

   It's been a year, 2 months and 16 days since my best friend passed away, and it still hurts so bad thinking about her and the 13 years she was by my side. Such a huge chunk of my life, she was with me as I grew from a child to an adult, falling in love and marrying, and having my first baby.... and then she had to leave me. I have so many regrets, so many apologies I wish I could have told her.... things I wish I could have done better, things I wish I hadn't done. Everyone thinks I was so great to her, that she had such a great life but I still feel so awful for all the time I had gotten angry with her, all the times I had lost my temper when I should have shown patience and understanding.
   The biggest regret is the last time I saw her alive, I had so much to say to her but I was so scared of breaking down in front of Cameron who was in there with us. The look in her eyes, the pain, the suffering, the fear and uncertainty. I also saw how ready she was for the pain and suffering to be over, even if that meant having to say goodbye. I wasn't ready, I was not ready to lose her...... and I honestly haven't had a chance to fully grieve, and I don't think all the tears in the world could make me feel better about Molly's passing.
   

Fighting That Demons Once More

   Last weekend, my husband decided that in order to boost Chaos sales we needed to have a sexy girl model the Chaos AK47 Titan Quad Rail and become the "Chaos" Girl. When he spoke those words, it immediately tore through me - not so much for the fact but because by not saying it he told me I wasn't and will never be good enough to be the "Chaos" girl or to model off his gun products. From that point on, all his words meant nothing - all his "you're so sexy, you turn me on", "blah blah blah blah blah" is all I hear now. Since then, the demons I had buried a while back and had to fight with during pregnancy and subdue them after pregnancy, those demons are back and stronger than ever. I try to ignore them, I try to just get out and run or do hard work outs that hurt like hell and cause me to be sore the next couple of days - but nothing helps shut them out. I am the photographer who gets to do the shooting session, and I get to work with the model but that only reminds me that I will forever have to face the fact that I am not good enough and will never be good enough, every time I'll see her face, her body on the website and facebook page, every time I'll have to hear him talk to others about her and gloat about how sexy she is - I will be reminded of how I am not, I am nowhere close to her league and never will be. I will never be skinny enough, never have the breasts (no breasts at all actually), I will never be as stunningly beautiful and sexy as she or any other woman in her league. I will have to face these demons every fucking, god damn day after the shoot and the photos are finished and ready to be put up. And knowing that he will use her image and body to pleasure himself and get off makes it so much worse to deal with, because she will have been in the shop and around him. Not some make believe chick from a movie or porn but a real woman, a young woman that lives here in Evansville and can be reached anytime he desires. This isn't like my celebrity crushes of men I will never meet or will NEVER be interested in me, but real and within his reach. That truth, that knowledge makes this pill almost impossible to swallow, and I honestly don't know if I will be able to. I cannot talk to him about it, he'll yell at me about my insecurities and get really shitty with me. I have to pretty much keep it inside of me.

Rocky had a Seizure Last Night

   Last night around 10 p.m, Rocky began to have a seizure. He didn't lose control of his bladder, but all the muscles in his body started spasming and at one point he even try to claw at his face. I later found a large tick on the floor which Cameron thinks was on his mouth and he was trying to get it off. He was drooling a lot, so I called the animal ER and they said it was most likely a seizure caused by maybe something he got into. He had just gone outside twice that evening, and we're pretty sure he got into something out there though not sure what. I also noticed he was looking especially fat or bloated in the abdomen.
   About 20-25 minutes after the seizure he ended up puking up what looked like his 3 meals he had today. Cameron and I both decided that from now on he isn't allowed to roam free outside and will have to be put on a lead, since we are not sure what he got into.
   This morning I went ahead and took him for our run on the trails, we ran 7 miles and he did great, no issues. I then took him over the riverbank for no real reason, I just wanted to watch the sun rise. Rocky has poor judgement when comes to depth perception and water, as he was trying to get down to get a drink he fell in. I tried to coax him towards a spot where he could get out, but he wouldn't listen and kept trying to climb up a spot where the water is a foot below the bank. Within seconds after he fell in, I realized he was going to climb out by himself and I could tell he was already getting tired and ready to give up. I dropped my phone and reached down and grabbed him by his collar and the scruff of his neck, and I pulled him out. It was a scary experience, for sure.

Not Sure What to Do

  I honestly don't know if I am just being paranoid or if I have valid reasons to think something is going on, not so much the late nights at the shop but other things. The fact that on everything like his phone, his nook, kindle, and probably downstairs computer has porn immediately in the google search. Then this last Tuesday night he calls to tell me he is going to go to Cross Eyed Cricket for dinner, doesn't even invite me to see if I want to go (I ended up eating a burger from Steak & Shake). His sudden obsession with Miley Skankin Cyrus (my issue is that she is such trash, not really attractive and her music sucks.......... that is what is driving me crazy). And then last night he forgot to put his truck in park up on the hill (the top of our driveway), leaves in 2nd gear and it rolls down the hill...... not a big deal with most people but with HIM that is a huge deal because he doesn't normally do shit like that...... unless something is on his mind and has him extremely distracted. Then this morning, as he is leaving for the shop he tells me Bob Sisson is coming to the shop and he's taking him to lunch...... Friday is the shop lunch day, we go somewhere all 4 of us together, not to mention he and the boys went to Cross Eyed Cricket Tuesday night without inviting me (I am assuming the boys went). I get stuck going to Fazoli's, get back and Bob isn't here yet but Cameron heads on out so I assume he was meeting Bob somewhere........ though my gut (or paranoia) is telling me it's not Bob he is meeting, and even if he is meeting Bob it is most likely at Cross Eyed Cricket where there is this "hot" waitress working there that he drools over, which would be why he didn't invite me Tuesday night or any other time he has gone out at night. If I stay as late at the shop as he and the boys do, he would have me go and get them something rather than us go out. Also, I can't assume that the boys would tell him that he is wrong to be cheating, because I know their fucked up loyalty to each other no matter wrong or right and they would just keep their mouths quiet about it.
   Okay so going outside I guess Bob came to pick him up, because his truck is still here but still that doesn't make any difference and nobody saw who picked him up anyways. I just can't get this feeling out of my gut, I don't know if it's paranoia with the anxieties of waiting for the half marathon next Saturday, or if he really is up to something. It hurts though, to think about him having an affair... especially with all that is going on, our beautiful son, the business, our 10 year anniversary just a week ago, and not knowing what the future will hold for us, mankind and the Earth itself. With everything going on, I can't imagine why on Earth he would suddenly be having an affair, or just stalking someone or something.......... Is it just paranoia? Should I bring it up, or just leave it alone and keep chugging along?

My Husband's Weight Loss

  For the first time in maybe 4-5 years my husband is finally under 200 lbs thanks to working on the Chandler property, back in July when he started on it he weighed 217 lbs and as of this morning he weighs 199 lbs. I am so proud of him!
 Back in July he made the decision to buy the Chandler property off his brother for a few reasons; 1: because our son was born here, 2: Molly, my best friend of 13 years is buried here on the back of the property, and 2: he knew fixing up the property would help him lose weight.... $90,000 to lose weight is my joke to him. Back in July he started working on cutting trees down and cleaning the place up, he weighed 217 lbs, I'd say he worked a total of 20 days in July, August maybe 15 due to heat and humidity. Well he started back out there 3 days ago in a hurry to use the bucket truck to cut limbs and trees down so he could sell the bucket truck and wood chipper and get back his money. As of this morning he weighed himself at 199 lbs, I am so proud of him... part of me wishes he had become my running partner but I understand that running isn't his thing and he doesn't enjoy the usual workout routine so if breaking his back, sweating gallons of water and getting eaten alive by poison ivy is what helps him lose weight then I guess I am okay with that 

   Other than the threat of whatever our government is planning and the fate of the world and most importantly the fate of America in question, things have been going pretty well. Cameron is looking or scoping out boats, honestly as much as a part of me would like a good boat with a cabin and everything, I ain't in any hurry.
  Dorian is growing so fast, he is so beautiful and such an amazing little boy. He's into biting now, which I am sure I am going to have to start curbing immediately before it gets out of hand. He loves tossing the ball, or anything really and he has a new love of regular milk. My little guy hasn't been feeling to well these last couple of days, though today he is feeling a bit better and much happier.