Strange thing about men, they will almost always tell you the truth when they are angry, you can just about guarantee that they will tell you exactly how they really feel when you piss them off. At that point they don't give a crap, they don't care if they stomp all over you or break you into tiny pieces just to prove a point. You can almost always be assured that they will come back later on and apologize for things they said, trying to say none of those things were true but that is the lie. It does hurt, it hurts a lot to know that the person you married really can't stand you, they can't stand a lot of the things you do but apparently hold it in and keep quiet until they just can't take it anymore..... but what does he have to lose? I have nowhere to go, I don't have a job, haven't had a real job since 2008 so it would be harder than hell to find a good one, I cannot go back and live with my mom, I will not put Dorian into that tiny, falling apart, disgusting house. Cameron knows this, he knows I have nowhere to go, and men love knowing they have this kind of leverage over their woman, it gives them unbelievable power to control arguments and situations. He screams and yells at me during arguments, making me wish like hell I could kill myself, I feel like such a piece of shit while he has women in his office talking about how much black cock they had back when they were young, how many men they were with. He goes to Rural King and sees Jean, then can't stop talking about her for days, he always find a reason or excuse to bring her up in any conversation he is having with anyone. He calls me a stupid, selfish brat, which yes I know I can be selfish and bratty but I am sick of being the only one who cleans at the house or at least tries to, while his darling son doesn't do jack shit at home and goes out fucking around at night all because he works at the shop out on the floor.......... I used to have a job too, working all day and still had to come home and clean and try and take care of the house with no help at all while those two brats got to come home from sleeping in class to sleep at home, not bothering to help me at all. And even when I was out on the shop floor working all day with no paycheck unlike Ethan, I still had to do all the cleaning with no help. He talks about how much shit he has had to put up with my family and how I have no idea or whatever, for the first 2 years we were together nobody of my family knew about us and he still screamed at me during arguments, threatening to kick my ass to the curb and making me feel like a piece of ugly, dog shit, and the only family that has given him shit was my mom, sister and my dad's side WHICH I don't even hardly talk to anymore because of how they attacked him when I had gotten pregnant back in 2009 (miscarried). He talks about all the crap I have, the Tahoe, the camera, the office, a nice home, able to do just about anything I want..... and so I am a spoiled brat, I would give ALL of that up for him to actually spend time with me, go walking, hiking, riding, anything that does not involve that stupid ass television or the shop, other than those 2 things being his 24/7 passion, then there's the music which really he doesn't do a lot of anymore so that isn't a big deal at all. I would give all my shit up, just for him to go out and enjoy life with me again, more than just 2-5 times a year, like we used to before Chaos got bigger and busier, but he won't, he won't ever bother to join me ever again.
The only help I ask for at home is with the trash, somebody else could maybe put the dishes in the dishwasher, take out the trash from all rooms, sweeping the kitchen sometimes, any of that would be enough help for me but nobody will. During my pregnancy, up until January when Preston moved out I was doing the little box just about as much as he was, and then when it was Ethan's duty to clean it out, he might have done it 12 times out of 3 months, I gave up asking or telling and just did it myself.
I need to just forget about it, forget about thinking that I am someone in this family and just suck it up that I am nobody, my place is at the bottom of this food chain, and I need to start remembering that...... to Cameron I am nobody, I wouldn't survive out there on my own without him, that I am weaker than all these other bitches including Jean who had her own place. I know Cameron would take Dorian from me in a heartbeat, and not think twice about it if he kicked my ass out, I'll die before I lose Dorian. I know I would kill anyone who would try and take him from me, or at least try to kill them, he is the only constant, great thing in my life now. Even though I am not the best mother, probably not really even a great or good mother for him, I am too stubborn to just give up and leave him behind. In the end..... the truest problem Cameron has with me is that I am a female, I am hated and demonized all because I had to be born with a vagina between my legs instead of a penis.
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