I'd be fucked if I was in serious trouble trying to call my fucking husband, because he is so good at rejecting and ignoring my calls. What is even more fucked up is he'll claim that they never came through while I know from doing it myself that when it rings a couple times and goes straight to voice mail, that is because the receiver has rejected the phone call and sent it there. I am almost tempted to just have mom watch Dorian during my runs, while she is watching Caleb and Skyler (I was uneasy about it because Caleb can be violent) because I don't want to give Cameron something to hang over me during arguments as if he really does so much for me. I am done with it, I don't want anymore of his help, if he wants to hold the baby it has to be because he wants to hold Dorian not because he wants to help me out. His half ass bullshit has him thinking he does so much, and then he goes and claims I had 3 weeks off???? What 3 weeks, 1: I just had a baby and was trying to learn and figure things out (still am), 2: out of those 3 weeks I probably stayed home only a week and a half while coming in to the shop and dealing with bullshit, 3: I didn't sit on my ass and do nothing and 4: after the 3 weeks I came in and had to clean up and fix Stephanie's mess and fuck ups and I am still doing all that! But does he go and blame her, or reprimand her somehow..... no not at all! I get fucking yelled at, screamed at, threatened and made to feel like a total failure!
I failed at breastfeeding, and have been struggling to pump for 3 weeks now which I will probably fail at that very shortly as my milk supply isn't catching up, he has to eat every 3-4 hours and by the time 3 or 4 hours rolls around my breasts are still almost empty. I am a failure, the house looks and smells like shit, my baby cries and hasn't even really smiled at me yet while smiling to everyone else because I am such a horrible fucking mother, a worthless human being! I don't know what to do, I have nobody to talk to because nobody will actually listen to me, I can tell when shit goes in one ear and out the other and then they just repeat "it's fine, get over it, blah blah blah". I honestly don't know how much more I can take before doing something seriously stupid, and that makes me feel even more like shit.
I was hoping the running would help soothe my sanity, but I am pretty sure it isn't as I am just expecting to fail at the training as well.
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