Twenty-Five Weeks Yesterday

    Yesterday I hit 25 weeks pregnant, and even though I am a little nervous about my weight gain, after doing a bit of research I am on a pretty steady climb and not gaining too much nor too little. Around 20 weeks, I had only gained 5 lbs since becoming pregnant and it shows that is a bit low, so now I am right on track it seems. I just took some belly photos tonight, tomorrow if I go into my office I am going to get them on the computer and compare them to past weeks. I only ran about 2.4 miles last week and no miles this week but I have picked up on Aerobics Kickboxing (DVD) which I have come to really like, and next week I am getting Zumba Fitness (Exhilarate) DVDs which should really make things interesting. 
    Hopefully I can get back to a bit of running again, I think I really need a maternity girdle though. Hopefully I can keep up my Aerobics Kickboxing and work on the Zumba dancing for the next 2 or 3 months to keep my body is as best the shape as it can be while pregnant. It is kind of hard to think that I only have about 15 weeks to go, and it feels much slower or longer than like when I was 15 weeks pregnant. I really hope I gain some patience from this pregnancy, because this is probably the hardest thing I am having to wait on ever.

....Almost 25 Weeks Along......

    This Thursday I will be 25 weeks pregnant, things seem to be going pretty well except for little things here and there. I've got 15 weeks to go and it is getting a little hard to deal with not being able to work out to lose weight or stay fit, I am feeling depressed and angry but also crappy for feeling like this. I keep telling myself that this weight gain is the baby growing and my body preparing for everything, it just sucks right now and I can't really talk to anybody especially Cameron as he wouldn't understand any of it. I want so bad to keep up my fitness, and watching myself gain weight and grow is very stressful, and it is really difficult to know that my balance is completely off so my kickboxing DVDs aren't as fun as normally.
    I really hope these feelings start to die down, because they make me feel really bad about everything and I know it will just begin to slow down the next 15 weeks I have to go.

A Silver Lining in the Sky

   Other than the minor aches and pains of pregnancy, it seems things are slowly beginning to look up for us. One minute it seems the business is getting ready to end up going through another hard time and doing so good, and then things slowly begin to pick up and the future once again looks bright. Even with this economy as bad as it is, things have been getting better for us and I really hope it stays that way, with 2012 coming up a lot of crazy shit is probably going to start happening just because people will be afraid and acting on fear rather than rationality, hell our sales might even pick up then too, but I just want to get pass 2012 and make it through this economy. With everything that is going on right now, I can almost see my Dream in sight now; a Rescue Ranch for animals.

I felt my Baby Kick!!!!!

    While laying in the tub a few minutes ago, I saw my stomach just pop in and out like pop rocks!!! I felt my baby kick, and it felt so weird but awesome at the same time!!!!! I have been feeling him for days now, maybe weeks but this is the first time I was actually able to see him do it!!!!

1st Workout in 3 Weeks

   I was finally able to make it to the gym for the first time in 3 weeks, last night I decided that now since Cameron is driving himself to work and I don't have to wait on him, Ethan and I would be leaving the house around 7 a.m instead of 8:30 or almost 9:00 a.m. Ethan isn't too happy about it, but I don't care since he makes the decision to stay up all night and not get any sleep. Being pregnant, I am not going to just let my body go out of control in gaining weight, no fucking way.


Tread mill - 21 min walking 3.7 mph/ 4 min run 6 mph/ 5 min walk
Lat Pull Down - 4 sets of 25 reps / 35 lbs
Tricep Pull Down - 4 sets of 25 reps / 30 lbs
Delta Fly - 4 sets of 12 reps / 35 lbs
Reverse Delta Fly - 4 sets of 12 reps / 35 lbs




The strength training wasn't near my usual amount, but I added an extra set to each one and I feel great about the workout this morning, hopefully I can keep it up.

Always a Roller Coaster

   Sometimes I wonder if it would be better working somewhere else, getting paycheck and not having to worry about whether they would be going out of business the very next day, or me being responsible for income and expenses. As usual; though things seem to be going so well for us as a family and small business, there is always something out there waiting to knock us down and remind us how life can just go from pretty good to in the hole. I really hate banks, I hate doing transactions because I don't quite understand them. I think I am going to have my mom come in here shortly and help me do the whole reconcile thing, I am scared to tell Cameron that I haven't done it since we started quickbooks, but I know I have to get it done in order to get everything synced up right. This is just stressing, and aggravating. We have so many sales coming up that we shouldn't have to worry ourselves, BUT the problem is that the biggest sale won't be until late January and the other sales aren't being made. We have about $12,000 in invoices to Dealers who still haven't made their payments, and I am really wanting to call them up and just start screaming at them!!!!!

Things Looked Up Very Shortly

  Though we will probably never really know what went wrong with my jeep, I was lucky enough that Cameron knew the importance of finding a good vehicle and finding it fast and after searching through individual sales, he decided it might be a good idea that I try for a loan on a vehicle. Thanks to fate and someone watching out for me (I hope), after going through a lot of vehicles priced under $10,000 with over 120,000 miles on them I found the one I wanted almost 5 years ago and got tricked. I found a 1998 Chevy Tahoe, in great condition (so it seams at the moment) with only 63,148 miles on it on sale for $6,770.00 and it was in good, good shape and very roomy but not too big. At first it seemed like the loaning company were going to make us jump through holes because I don't make a paycheck. Then Cameron made the offer (again) to pay cash outright, the deal was made at $5,895.00 including taxes. The Tahoe is now mine and sitting out in our driveway, it drives like a freaking dream, doesn't even drive all big and huge like a SUV would but more like a car with tight turns and smooth ride. I am so happy, so excited that things are working out and worked out the way they did!!!!

My Life Straight to Hell in Seconds

   After paying my jeep off just a few days ago, after getting all the bugs fixed and finally feeling that it can last a year or two more - all that was just wrecked in fucking seconds. My stepson's stupid ass band mate's piece of shit car needed a jump, so he moved my jeep over to where he could use it to jump start the car. Once Ethan got back into the jeep to move it, it just apparently went out of control and straight into the fence and completely totaled it. 
   I cannot begin to describe what I am feeling right now, it is just bullshit that I keep getting fucked over in life, especially with my baby on the way and now not having a vehicle. I had that jeep for almost 5 years, it would be 5 years next March and it could have lasted for up to 2 more years, the bugs were worked out of it and other than the minor electrical issues with heating/ac, it was a damn reliable vehicle that got me everywhere and anywhere - and now I am fucked, god only knows the kind of lemon I am going to get stuck with for the next few years as I probably won't get to purchase anything more than $3,000 at most. I am just so fucking sick of getting fucked over in life, I am so sick of being poor and always getting the short end of the stick because of someone else's bullshit. I knew I would lose that jeep, I knew I would lose it to due to someone else's bullshit being behind the wheel and the last few days I had a feeling it would be Ethan behind the wheel - God damn it I wish I had went out there instead of letting him take my keys!!!! I know deep down it would not have happened, FUCK! The jeep was looking so much better, getting fixed and having NOTHING engine wise wrong with it and then all of sudden with another driver it just happened to fuck up................ I don't care what they claim I know it wouldn't have happened if I had been behind the wheel. Now I am fucked with out a vehicle and my next vehicle will be a total piece of shit, probably hardly ever on the road for more than a few months before needing to be brought in the shop for some fucked up engine issue! GOD DAMN IT!!!! I loved that fucking jeep, it would have been 5 years next March, the longest I have owned a vehicle and I just lose it to someone else behind the wheel.......... I just want to crawl into a corner right now, I don't want to talk to anyone and Cameron of course is now defending Ethan as usual, if it had been my brother driving it, all the blame would have immediately went to him without question. I am just sick of Ethan and Preston always being defended about shit, I knew in my gut not to let him take my keys, I knew in the deepest part of my mind to tell him no (and honestly say fuck Jacob's piece of shit) but I was busy answering stupid ass customer emails. Fucking bullshit!!

Lord Yesterday Was A Day

   Tuesday I got the day off, Cameron felt that it was better if I stayed home and rested for 24 hours and it helped tremendously. Yesterday though, I felt like my stomach was being stretched and torn, my abdominal muscles and pelvis were just being pulled apart and stretched. It wasn't exactly painful but it wasn't great either and I wasn't enjoying it. All day it went on, but I believe it started around Tuesday and finally this morning I think it has died down and other women have told me not to worry because it can be like this up until around the 7th month and then things kind of die down until I will be feeling the baby shove his head through my uterus.
   The cold is going away slowly, I am not sneezing but the coughing is still there though I feel a hell of a lot better. Today I am 21 weeks along, so I pretty much have 19 weeks to go which doesn't seem a whole lot but my patience is just awful so we will see how much I learn on patience through this lol.

Miserable, Sick and Just Blahh...

   I honestly don't know how much more standing all day at a machine I can take, not only is my back hurting and my left leg hurting but now I am coming down with some sort of cold. I figured I would get some sort of cold this year, but I always seem to forget how miserable it really is to have the sniffles, be coughing and feeling like total crap. I am hardly getting any sleep these days, my body is sore and I can't find a comfortable position, let alone my stupid nose and throat. Knowing my luck, I am going to end up standing all of December and probably January running a stupid ass machine all day.
   I haven't ran in over 2 weeks now, and I need to start something even if it is taking Molly or Rocky for a walk in the mornings, a 3 mile walk with a few little runs in there. I might start doing that, take Molly on Monday mornings, take Rocky on Tuesday mornings if I don't go to the gym, then Molly on Wednesday mornings, Rocky on Thursday mornings, and Molly on Friday mornings.

Reached the Halfway Mark Yesterday

   Yesterday I reached 5 months pregnant, 20 weeks along which is halfway there with 4 months to go. I decided to weigh myself, just to see how much I have gained since getting pregnant. Amazingly I have only gained 5 lbs, weighing around 140 lbs naked and in my underwear, of course that was before the Thanksgiving Dinners. It was great seeing the family yesterday, and holding little Landon Thomas who was born just Monday. And then we came home for our dinner which Steph made it all, mainly because she thinks she is some real fine cook but her food tastes pretty average if not less, while leaving a whole mess behind her which Cameron's mom and I had to clean up. I knew my mom was coming, but it was nice to see Shauna and Skyler with her, I honestly didn't think Shauna would try and show up. I really hope we don't work today, I am so tired and would like to just chill today even though I think I might have to go shop for some cat litter which really sucks as it is black Friday and so many crazy, rude and thoughtless people are out driving around rushing to buy crap on sale and running other people over. Anyways, if I don't have to run machines today I might just relax for a bit this morning.

The Good and the Bad

  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, tomorrow is the day I tell my family the gender of my baby. I am so excited and hope that my Applesauce Jello turns out great because that is how I am going to tell them, and it would just suck majorly if it didn't turn out right. This morning a number that was definitely out of the U.S. called my phone, and out of suspicion and thinking it was some scam or other bullshit I didn't answer. We got an email from a South African Gun Dealership interested in our products, a very large quantity of our products - Cameron was immediately pissed off because I didn't answer the phone along with our landlord for the business stating that he hasn't gotten our check yet which I had almost forgotten about and sent out 2 days ago. Yeah things are just about to the point where I might have to find another job, and if I have to leave the "family" business then that means things can only get worse between me and Cameron just from the tension of that.
    I haven't ran in over a week, I have not worked out this week so things kind of suck. I have been keeping up with my lunges though, and plan on doing a bit tomorrow morning before we leave and as I am cleaning up the house some. Hopefully tomorrow goes well, compared to today's incidents.

Life Looks to Only Get Worse

   I don't know anymore, I just don't know how much more I can take and it is really weighing down on me now. I am being told that since becoming pregnant my hormones and moods have just abruptly sky rocketed out of control, but I have not noticed much difference from before pregnancy. It is just stressful and driving me to a point of madness that I cannot bare much longer. I feel as if I must tip toe and watch my p's and q's even more so than before, letting others walk all over me while I stay quiet and take it all. I feel as if I am not allowed to have an opinion, let alone emotions or moods without being threatened and made to feel like a total bitch. I just don't know what to do anymore, because I don't see any real change in my moods, I mean yes I have been feeling more overwhelmed and distraught with so many things going through my mind, so many worries and concerns that I feel are already out of my control but I do not feel as though any of that as affected my moods or increased them. Hopeless and at a loss now more than ever, I not only have a child on the way but 4 cats in my care and an senior dog, with nowhere but my jeep for shelter if things go south between me and Cameron...... it has been a very long time since I felt this much grief and pain, the desire to give up is getting stronger and I do not know if I have it in me to keep going anymore. And what makes it worse is the fact that today is our Wedding Anniversary and it has been nothing but a shitty day already.

Supposed to Be Happy - But Sad

  I am supposed to be happy and excited about my pregnancy, but something is getting in the way. About 3 weeks ago we rescued a small, young cat from outside on our loading dock, within a couple of days she went from not letting us within 4 feet of her to rubbing all over us and calling for our attention. We have had her home with us for 2 weeks now, and she not gotten used to pooping in a litter box with a topper, and my husband is losing his patience. We knew we were going to be finding a home for her, and that it would take a bit to do that but this isn't easy if she is going to be messing in the house. I don't want to have to take her to the shelter where she will be caged all day with little human contact, when she is so loving and such a sweet heart. My mom says she'll take her, but other than the fact being my mom's house isn't even safe for humans, this house is a matchbox just waiting to be set on fire (long story, too much to tell) and she has 2 dogs and a cat already. The Pit Bull is a dummy, but it is the rat terrier I am worried about, she plays with the other cat who has no claws so when he smack at her, she doesn't get hurt. Jax (our rescue cat) is still getting used to dogs, and I know would use her claws if she felt endangered, and I am just scared that this dog would try to kill her as she tortured the family dog up until her death (the dog my mom got when I was 7 and still had up until about 2 or 3 years ago). I am just so worried, I contacted P.A.A.W.S who is a no kill fostering program and am hoping that they will find her a foster home, I will even donate $150.00 for her care. 
  I dont' know, I have always felt this responsibility towards animals in need and I feel that if I can't find her a safe home then I have failed her..... and then I will be scared with any future rescues. Ugh, I should be happy right now but I am down and depressed!!!!!!

This is becoming a Pain

  To say the least, being on my feet all day and running a machine is not helping these new sore spots. My lower back has began to hurt, probably started last Friday and I tried not to notice, now it is just annoying to be on my feet. Once I get back out there (on lunch right now) I will hopefully only have an hour or so more and then be finished, I don't know if I can take much more of this and yet I know I have no choice but it is just annoying damn it.

Things Are Looking Up

     Things are definitely looking up, I called the Lasting Impressions this morning and was able to get an appointment in next Monday. I am going to know the sex before Thanksgiving which is really exciting and definitely brightens my day up. I have a week to wait, which is going to be very challenging as I am pretty impatient. I really don't mind which sex it is, but the only reason I am hoping and praying for a girl is because my gut/intuition keeps saying girl and that is what I have stood by when talking or arguing with others about. I will feel quite a bit stupid if I find out it is a boy, I will never hear the end of it from my husband or his mother about how right they were. Haha, anyways I am just excited to be going and finding out before Thanksgiving.
   I really want to have my baby bump, but it looks like it could be a couple more weeks before I really start showing a bump. Not only that but I really want my baby in my arms right now, this is going to be the hardest, most challenging test on my patience ever because I am very ADHD and very impatient as it is.

18 Weeks Pregnant

   Today I am 18 weeks pregnant, feeling sore down below but I will blame that on Cameron this morning, or at least that is what makes sense right now. I've got Xena at the office with us, she has to wear an infant onsie to keep her from messing with the new stitches. Wednesday I ran on the treadmill, the wind was blowing like crazy and I knew if I tried to run outside I would end up being blown off my feet. I am trying to be patient about the ultrasound, which is a week from next Tuesday and I am so excited.
   I've got to get out on the machine, so I can't type too much right now.

Almost at 18 Weeks and I feel Movement!!!

    There is no confusion to this now, this isn't gas or stomach rumbling, I am definitely feeling the movements of my baby!!!! They kind of feel like those butterflies, but a bit more bubbly..... actually I can't really describe the feeling because I have never felt this before. I know some people will say it isn't movement of the baby, but I know different!
    On another note, I didn't get to do my run this morning because Xena has been determined to mess with her stitches, she pulled one finally and now the incision on her stomach is open. So I had to take her back to the vet, they are keeping her over night to redo the stitches and put a cone on her, then more sedatives and antibiotics. I am worrying over her so much right now, I hate knowing that she is stuck in a cage wondering what happened and if she is ever going to see home, I hope she doesn't think I abandoned her.
    Maybe tomorrow morning I can do my run, I am not really too worried on keeping it on Tuesdays and Thursdays anymore, just as long as I can get my runs in during the week.

Oh How I Love It

    It is amazing how a decent day can go to complete shit with just one word from him, always treating me like shit and a low life idiot. Not only that, but on my birthday which he has not wished me or even acknowledged it so far but made sure to make me feel worthless and stupid. Yay for my day, now I just wish it was done and over with so I can forget about this unhappy, shitty day like the others I try to forget about which is just about every single fucking day with him. I am not even going to bother reminding him or hinting about what today is, fuck him if he never notices as usual because he has done ruined it anyways.
   On a side note, I am 17 weeks along today which should be special and make me feel good but hey oh well because I am not allowed to feel like a human being but a worthless toad. Freaking asshole.
   So far, around 14 people on facebook have wished me a Happy Birthday, 90% of them I have never met in person or talked to in my life. That was beginning to make me feel good up until Super Asshole had to ruin it.
   
    

It is Decided!

   It took no time after talking to Gina to make the decision final, I am going to do the home birth and with her. I feel so comfortable with her, we sat there and talked for an hour and a half about so much. She hasn't had a whole lot of experience with midwifing home births herself, but she has been to so many births at hospitals, birth centers and home births with other midwives. I am still nervous, with this being my first pregnancy and everything - my main anxiety is when thinking about the pain I am going to be feeling. Being almost 16 weeks, it just feels like the due date is so far away and I am so impatient!!! Lol, but I know the wait is worth it and I will have so many years with this child.

So Much Going Through My Head

  Two nights ago, I opened my mind to the idea of a home birth with a midwife. I cannot stand hospitals and they are always cold and uncaring to me, it is probably because I have never had good insurance on my own but even when I was with my mother's insurance, they were this bad. I have been doing my research, trying to see both sides of it and scared either way. I am mainly scared of having a breech   or some other bad scenario and having to go through a C-Section and miss the real miracle of giving birth. I would really rather do a home birth in my home, having family around me and a professional midwife there to help, I know birth will probably be the most difficult thing in my life but I can't turn back now and I just want my baby to be safe (and me of course). 
  I have a consultation with a midwife Monday afternoon, and I hope I do not forget any questions I have for her, I want to make sure she knows how important this is to me and how serious I am taking it. I will probably get my questions together on a piece of paper Monday morning to have ready for her.

Another Update on My Life

   This Thursday I will be 15 weeks pregnant, I keep going through this roller coaster of emotions - excitement and happiness to worried and unhappy. Last week a part of me was worried about all the things I will never be able to do now, like travel. But this morning as I thought more on it, I don't think there is anything stopping me, not even a baby - because I could take the child anywhere with me, to different areas, hiking, running (in a stroller) - just about anywhere I can think of. I will be able to encourage my child with reading and educational television - while also teaching him/her of the outdoors.
    But then, as quickly as all the excitements comes - so does the worry that my child might not enjoy any of this stuff, what if he/she doesn't want to hike are enjoy outdoors, what if he/she doesn't enjoy reading or watching anything educational??? I don't know what is with this roller coaster of worries and emotions but it is a little annoying.

Update on My Life

    I am so excited and nervous, I can barely hold it together damn it! I am going to be all giddy walking into pick up my race packet/bucket tomorrow morning, I won't know what do with myself!! The Half Marathon is this Sunday, only 2 days and a few hours away. I am going to be tearing up when I cross that finish line, and I hope the whole race goes well with maybe a couple of bathroom stops (I would rather there be none).
   Tonight is the last night of Team 13, but I don't think I am going to go - this weather has warmed up to 83 degrees but it feels like 95 compared to 54 degrees in the mornings. I keep feeling the sniffles and sneezing a bit so I don't want to get sick before the race.
   I still cannot believe I am going to be running a Half Marathon this Sunday, it still feels like a dream. I am probably going to be sick to my stomach and nervous as hell the whole time, which is why I am so nervous because I am afraid it might slow me down some just out of concern on puking.
   I am 13 weeks along this week, and moving right along with a growing belly which I still think is all me and not the baby. It kind of pisses me off, I really want to go as long as I could without gaining weight and shit, because the baby isn't big enough to be showing a bump. Maybe I am in denial, maybe it is alright to start showing this early? I am just going to keep trying to stay in shape, and get back to a healthy eating habit which for some reason has been very difficult here lately.

Crazy, Sad, Hectic - That is October

  Although it is the last day of September, I know that October is going to be one crazy month. This week, though, my brother pretty much was put on strict probation at our shop and then decided to just quit the next day which sucks. Next Sunday is my first Half Marathon, I have a week and one day to go before I can start puking and roaming the house nervously. I honestly don't know if I can handle a week, I mean this week went by extremely fast which was surprising. 
  I am 12 weeks pregnant and everything seems to be coming along just fine, still trying to work on getting my health insurance before my doctor visits start, so I am hoping and praying that it went through this time. My appointment was moved from this last Tuesday to next Tuesday which really sucks, I freaking hope she doesn't have to change it again.

Hectic Life with a Baby on the Way

   I think I could use the whole pregnancy thing as an excuse for I would probably be doing this shit anyways. I have class tonight and my assignment isn't even finished. Not only that but I cannot even use the flash on my film camera which is popping up right now because it is pretty cloudy and not enough light. I do not want to agree with my husband but he was right - I had all week to do this or at least all weekend and I just fucked off basically.
   I ran 10 miles Saturday morning, actually I think it was a little over 10 so probably around 10.3 miles and I was so freaking tired afterwards. I wanted to get out and shoot photos but my legs were hurting so bad - all I wanted to do was sleep the day away.
   My Half Marathon is 2 weeks and 6 days away, and although I am pretty nervous about it being my first Half - I am pretty damn confident that things will go well.

Crazy Mondays

   Today has been crazy, good and just manic. Being this early in my pregnancy, there isn't a whole lot to talk about right now and it is a little aggravating but hell I need to learn some patience anyways. I have been told to start taking at least a couple of photos of my belly each week, but I think I am going to wait at least until 12 weeks. I haven't really decided yet so yeah, I will try and make the decision this week because I should take a photo while I am still "slim".  I will take a photo either tomorrow or Wednesday for this week as Thursday I will be 10 weeks along so yep, I might want to go ahead and get a photo of it now. I haven't really felt any of the morning sickness symptoms, but I have been bloaty, weird cravings, tender sore nipples and very VERY VERY tired throughout the middle of the day. And I still have the energy so that is an extremely good thing.

Another Chapter to Begin

   I still feel as if a lot of this is nothing more than a dream, and someday I am going to end up  waking up and not be pregnant. I am excited, this is just another chapter of my life and so many new things are going to happen. At first I was worried that so many of my activities would be put on stand still or I would never get to experience them again, but the more I think about - I realize that this only means that I can show my baby all these wonderful things in life. I hear a lot of women act as if their life is completely over when they become pregnant, as if there is no future for them but to be a mother. That is so not the case for me, this almost feels like a heavy burden has lifted - I have been given a chance to raise a child up right with morals and kindness and strength..... family values. 


   Whether you are a Larissa Nicole or a (possibly) Dorian Vaughn, this is what I promise you:


   You will learn what I was taught, kindness and respect towards others (especially elders)         
   To never give up or give in to anyone else, to go against the current and find your own path in life. 
   You will grow up with a secure home/family and two loving parents who will do what's best and work together to give you what you need in life.
    I will take you everywhere and anywhere - whether it be outdoors or somewhere indoors.
    I will read to you every night before bed. Books are great tools for knowledge.
    Don't be afraid to ask me anything, I will do my best to explain.
    Don't worry if you get dirty or hurt - Or break something because I will show you all my scars and I have a whole lot of stories of my own you can hear.
    I have nothing to hide from you, and you should never feel the need to hide anything from me.
    You have your whole life ahead of you to find who you are - don't race to the end, and even though there is no guarantee when you will find it, I can guarantee you that there is no other road as exciting as your own. 

The Weather is Gorgeous!

    I have been waiting all summer for this beautiful weather, and I cannot believe it is finally here. I just hope it lasts for a month or so, because it would be a total bummer if I don't get out to some of these beautiful parks before winter hits. I really want to go this weekend after my race, so it might be Hemlock Cliffs or part of Hoosier National Forest, because I want to take Cameron along and that will be difficult enough to get him off his butt during the weekends.
    This Thursday I am going in for my first ultrasound, so I will know exactly where I am at on this because I am beginning to question the 8 weeks and think I might be a little further along. I have put a lot of thought in the Half Marathon this weekend, and I am going to go ahead with it even though Saturday's 9.6 mile run was just awful, that is only 4 miles away from 13.1 and I have come this far already so why the hell should I stop now if there isn't any risk in it?

Bad Run Ignites Questions

    Yesterday's long run was 9 miles, and it blew a$$. A warm front had come in, causing 7 a.m to be 87 degrees with high humidity and dew point. I walked a lot of what was supposed to be a run, my legs felt like led due to making the mistake of putting my legs through some strength training Wednesday morning - Team 13 picked a route where the parking lot had NO restrooms, and no restrooms along the route at all, so I ran 3 miles with a full bladder and bowels until Jamie and I went .30 miles off the route to a gas station. The run was miserable, I walked a lot of it with fear of miscarrying and if it wasn't for Jamie staying with me, I probably would have quite half way and went home.
    All this made me begin to question on whether or not I should keep training for the Half in October, since I am only 5 weeks away from it but it just seems like these long runs are getting more difficult. I had discussed this with my husband and he helped me overcome some of my fears, stating how amazed he is that I am still doing this and how much he wants me to do the Half, because quite a few women who find out they are pregnant immediately stop their running, even ones that have been running for years.  So after talking and thinking, I will take things slowly and I definitely won't expect to run all of the Half. But I am going to go through with it, I just hope this heat wave is over d*mn it.

Not Just Moody Hormones

     I might be pregnant and dealing with a few mood swings due to it, but I know that isn't the complete reason and that my irritation is valid with all this bullshit. Even pregnant, I am still expected to clean the fucking house by myself, along with the litter box, trash, do dishes and fix dinner and shit for everyone all while working at the shop doing various things there. I can feel myself getting ready to blow, and I have nobody to talk to because there is nobody that can help or fix any of it. 
     I cannot even go home early to clean the house and garage tonight, so I will have to stay home tomorrow morning instead of heading in with Ethan so that I can have an hour or so to clean this shit. I am sick and tired of Preston making the laundry room look like his closet just because he is too lazy to take his clothes up to his room and hang them up. I am about to start throwing all of it away and I don't care anymore.

Manic Monday/ Crazy!

    The wedding this weekend went great, I had a few minor misses but nothing major and had a lot of fun with it. My body is going through so many aches and pains right now, and it is actually annoying. Tonight's class was fun and interesting, I am finally a member of www.ivytechphotopeeps.com so that is great - except for this pain I am going through. It is 08-29 and my ultrasound is on September 8th which feels like forever right now and I am feeling extremely excited now, I do not know why but I just have this feeling that I am further along than we thought. Cameron thinks I am only around the 6 to 7 week mark, but I just got this feeling I am closer to ten weeks. Anyways, I am still in class and I cannot wait to get home because I want to sleep so badly - THANK GOD I don't have to work out in the morning since I am running in the evening. The river camp this past weekend  was great, and we are going this coming weekend and hopefully the pontoon boat will be ready because I want to get out on the water so bad before this year is up.

So Far All is Well

    So far I have been going through all the normal things, I guess. The slight cramping of the uterus stretching, the nausea and fatigue - but a lot of it has subsided so I am a little worried. I just called to "apply" for a doctor called Heather Schroeder so hopefully she will take me because I heard from a few others that she is really good.  I am nervous, still a little scared and anxious about all of this but 90% of it is the idea of losing this baby too- I do not know how I would handle it if history repeated itself again. Being almost a week since I finding out, I am getting used to the idea of waking up in the mornings knowing that I am pregnant and my life is going to change dramatically, but this child is mine and I am going to have fun raising him/her and teaching him/her the values and morals that my family has taught me. I am going to try my best to instill a bond between us that will hold up even when the child reaches adolescence which could be a HUGE challenge for me. Again, I don't have much to say but I am excited and anxious all in one so yeah things are a little hectic for me. My runs are going fine as are my work outs but it is only early in the first trimester so I can't wait to see how I feel a couple of months from now.

This Week Is Already Shit

   So this week already sucks, Cameron is pretty much blaming shit on me, and although I know a lot of it is my fault - problem is I am not getting paid. He expects me to work like a slave and give my 100% in here for nothing, while everyone else is benefiting from here - Ethan gets part of the business while getting paid weekly, Cameron gets whatever plus ownership of the company and Jared gets paid. I don't get shit unless I buy something behind his back. 
   This baby (zygote) is already being a pain in my ass, the cramping, the breast soreness and my back is sore. I am still feeling lethargic and I have a 4 mile run tonight so this should be just WONDERFUL! Oh lord why couldn't I feel like my Aunt did when she was pregnant, she actually enjoyed her pregnancies.

Morning Sickness SUCKS!!!!!

     I am only about 5 weeks into this damn thing and the morning sickness is already sucking. I really hope it doesn't last, otherwise I am going to be very miserable. I think I am hungry sometimes but I cannot think of anything to eat, and it sucks because I get dizzy when I don't eat. I am a little concerned on whether I will be able to do the Half Marathon this year, and if I don't then it could be quite a few years before I get to. I am still scared, for the last 23 years I have had my time to myself and not having to worry about anyone or thing else - now I have a child coming and everything is going to change. Am I going to react the way I should, or am I going to basically be too scared to move? I am still waking up in the mornings expecting this to be a dream, expecting it to not be real - but it is and there is no turning back now.
    I can actually wake up no problem around 6 a.m but within a couple of hours I am dead tired and my eyes are trying to close on me - it is so aggravating, especially since I have class tonight and I can't have any kind of energy drink. I can already see the next 8 months are going to be very difficult and mentally draining, I am beginning to wish I had stuck to taking my pill everyday to prevent this.......... UGH!!

Maybe this time is It

    I went to Pregnancy Resource Center and they confirmed another positive pregnancy, and figure me to be around 5 weeks. I am really nervous - about a lot of things in fact. I think I was this far along when I had miscarried last time, and I am still scared of the idea of having a baby. I know my life is going to change a lot, and it is going to be crazy for a few years. I am scheduled to go in on September 8 for an ultrasound which will tell me just about exactly where I am at. I am tired and I really just want to go to sleep right now, I do not know if that has anything to do with being pregnant though. 
    I know one thing, I will not be doing the whole pink or blue bullshit, the bedding and decor will be neutral and animal scene. My child will go everywhere with me when it is safe, out hiking, running (except during the trail runs) and wherever I go. I am not going to be like so many other women who act as if their life is completely over with now that they have a baby in their life.

Surprise - - Surprise

    I figured it wouldn't happen anytime soon and thought I probably couldn't carry. Well this morning I took a test and it came up positive, I mean it's positive for the pregnancy hormone so it doesn't necessarily mean I am pregnant but knowing my luck I am. I am kind of excited but also very nervous, a bit scared to say the least. Everything that is going on in my life right now, a lot of it is going to be effected big time - my running, my photography and my animals are all going to be effected somehow. I am not going to freak out yet though, I have enough time to work things out and figure how I am going to involve my child in my activities safely. He/she will definitely be home schooled though. I am busy searching for insurance so I will work on more of this later.

Cool Weather For the First Time In Weeks

   For the first time in what feels like more than a month - there is cool weather again. That nasty heat wave is finally over with and hopefully we won't see any more of it the rest of the year. It has been quite a while since I have felt the urge and inspiration to get out and take photos, and using people - but this good weather has me wanting it now. I have so many ideas and inspiration and cannot wait for Autumn to come, I will be dragging friends wherever to get those really good outdoor portrait shots. Team 13 training has been going well, we just ran 6 miles this morning and our weekly runs are at 4 miles now so I am slowly getting there while dealing with some soreness at the knees. I am trying not to worry though, and hoping that my legs will get used to the mileage because it is only going to increase from here on to the Half Marathon in October. I am just hoping that I don't have to miss this race again, I would probably lose my mind if I do.

Oh the Life of being Married to a Man

   So last night, my husband goes on facebook posting some status and my sister responds with what at first seemed like a smart ass question (they weren't always friendly with each other) and I made a comment trying to keep it nice. Later that night I went on Cameron's account and made a comment from him because I was afraid he would get on there after jamming (and drinking) and go off on her (starting yet another family feud). After that, for some reason I decided to post my photography page (still on his account) to his wall as if I were him supporting my photography. That pissed him off, I mean I know it was stupid for me to do that but he acts as if I had gone on there and deleted a bunch of hot lady friends from his friends, or deleted comments he has made to them. I honestly don't care really, I don't like going towards his page because I always figure that I am going to see something I don't like and what the hell can I do about it???? - Move back in with my mom....... yeah in other words I have no other options then sitting back and just doing nothing if he were playing foul games behind my back. I can see where this day is already going to go.

This Morning's Trail Run

     Although I woke up about an hour later than I wanted to, I still managed to get my run in on the trails. The humidity and due point were already rising, but it was a lot better than being out on the road. My left knee did complain a little for the first 2 minutes but subsided immediately, the run was only about 1.15 miles and it might have been longer if I had gotten there an hour earlier. Thursday I will continue my training and run the 3 miles, my legs have recovered pretty well. Last night I took my girl Molly for a walk, I am not yet used to Chandler and feel bad that we walked for an hour, in colder weather she would have been great, but even at 83* and humid, her almost 13 year old furry body just isn't cut out for heat with no water. Until this heat subsides, I am probably going to take water with us, there are ditches out there but I am sure there's pesticides and poisons in the water due to all the corn field and other vegatables. I am half tempted to shave Molly, but I might just shave her underbelly since that is where they lose and keep heat. Anyways,  I will be happy when this summer is over with.

It's just Another Manic Monday

    So today starts off as usual, I get to the gym around 7:30 a.m and do my usual and feel great about it- Cameron always has jokes for when I go to the gym which is getting really annoying. Other than our business not getting any sales, but the bills are flowing through no problem - my Adobe Lightroom 3 came in today, but in order to get the serial number I had to go through all this crap on Adobe only to find that they needed proof that I was going to school which meant scanning it from our piece of shit printer when didn't work so now I can't play with it yet. I am thinking that maybe I will have to take into a library to do it, but that just seems like too much for this little bullshit and all I want to do is play with Lightroom3.
     I am contemplating just running a mile on the trail tomorrow morning instead of the 3 miles, my knees aren't feeling too bad right now but I think it would do them better to be on dirt and to take it a little easier. Depending on how the 1 miles feels, though I am sure I will be alright with Thursday's 3 miles and Saturday's 5k race. It isn't really anything I couldn't run through (at the moment) but I do not want to take the chance, especially with our long runs increasing weekly. Tonight I am going to take Molly for a 2 mile walk out near our house, she needs the exercise and it will be a little cooler then. Since the vet has put her on a new diet to dissolve the stones, she now has to eat in the morning and at night (she was only eating at night about a month ago), and this heat is keeping her from being outside and active. I don't think it will be too humid tonight, so she should be alright.

Friday and I am Tired

   Other than struggling to sleep last night, and then struggling to get up at 5 a.m and spend an hour trying to wake myself up before my run - 3 miles in humid  weather and trying hard to finish. Afterwards I knew today was going to be one of those miserable days and I was freaking right. Cameron expects us (me, Ethan and Jared) to be at the shop by 7 a.m while he doesn't have to even get up until 9 a.m and get there around 9:30 or 10 a.m because he is the BOSS. But doesn't make sure Ethan goes to bed by midnight at least, expecting him to only get 4 hours of sleep and then be up on his feet from 7 a.m to 7 p.m........... I am beginning to think that maybe it would be better to work for somebody else, have a schedule that can be anywhere from 7 a.m to 4 p.m I don't care because this is just bullshit. Apparently we are expendable to him, we are just his slaves and if somebody goes wrong he'll just get more and throw us away.

Lord I want this Day to be Over

   Already within 10 minutes, my day has gone from hot and humid but not bad mentally - to fucking irritating and just shitty like always. Sometimes I honestly don't know why I put up with men, they are such assholes and arrogant pricks and they love making sure that they can make their women miserable as hell. But then they go and claim that we are the ones that strive to make them miserable and drive them insane - what the fuck ever. I am so sick of being accused of not taking care of my animals just because that jackass wants to overfeed Rocky as unhealthily as possible - I am so fucking sick and tired of this shit, to the point I am beginning to wonder if it is even worth it. He does whatever he can to annoy me and piss me off and then yells at me and threatens me when I react - fucking swearing he'll kick me out and I will be single by the end of the night and out on the streets, or swearing that he'll have some other bitch in his bed within the hours - I am so fucking sick and tired of this mentally, emotionally abusing asshole. I can see why none of his past relationships have ever worked out.

Friday! Yay!

    I am so glad that it is Friday, although this weekend will probably go by quickly. Team 13 is running sometime this weekend, not sure when though as this heat wave is kicking everyone's ass. I got yesterday's run in the morning and this morning I went to the gym; I am trying some new workouts for a few different body parts to see if there is any difference in toning up my arms. I won't be able to focus too much on my legs until after the Half Marathon because I need to make sure they are able to handle the training and the distance we begin to cover now. I will probably edit this post later on, right now we are getting ready to go to Shyler's for lunch.

I Hate the Heat

    This hot weather is really beginning to drive me insane, it is beyond reasonable temps and the humidity is even worse. I do not know how much more I can take before losing my mind, and now the A/C in jeep has stopped again and I only had it working for a week. I cannot stand driving around outside in weather that is 97 degrees and sunny as hell, with the humidity around 75% which makes it feel like 107 degrees. This sucks major ass, that is all I can really say and it just pisses me off that there is nothing that can be done about this.
    People think the government or the elite motherfuckers are the ones controlling the weather, I would not be surprised if someone was out there screwing around with it man. My runs have been suffering some, but hopefully this is help when it comes time to race or when the heat wave is over and done with. Right now I am pretty much doing sub 10min/mile or lower when lucky so when the weather finally breaks maybe I will make it close to 9min/mile.

Men Are Assholes, Period

     Or at least the Hadley mother fuckers are, no matter what you do or try for them they bitch and whine. Never fucking grateful for anything you try and do, especially when it is healthy. Healthy shit is like kryptonite to Cameron especially. I am so sick of trying to provide him a healthy meal when he just spits it back in my face like I am trying to poison him, he is such a dick and I am getting really sick and tired of it. He brings up the whole "I can spend $300 on Molly, but I can't buy him nasty white bread and plain fucking lettuce"?? Fuck him, I try and get him on healthier eating but that isn't what he wants at all..... oh hell no he wants disgusting, unhealthy fattening shit to eat because I am not worth him trying to lose 20 lbs and create a healthier lifestyle even though I worked my ass off last year to lose 25 lbs and keep it off. I am sure he would lose it in a heart beat for Brittney Smith or Nicole Hensling or what ever the fuck her name is, I am so sick of these bitches he swoons over for shit. 
     I knew it in the beginning, that I would never be good enough for him but the last 2 years had me start believing otherwise. Thank god my eyes have been opened again.

Last Night Reality Hit

     I haven't been blind to my best friend's age, it isn't like I have been denying the inevitable that she would someday pass away. But last night really woke me up, all day things seemed normal up until around 9:30 p.m when Molly started pacing and going to the front door wanting out. I thought she might have just wanted to be near the grill, but I let her out for a few minutes then brought her back in. Within 5 minutes she was acting anxious and stressed, I assumed it was the kids that were here stressing her out (she doesn't like those two) until she was in the kitchen squatting trying to pee but Cameron said nothing came out. I took her out and watched her, she would squat for a few seconds, get up and walk a little then squat again, this went on for 10 minutes before I finally said enough and told Cameron that I was taking her to the Emergency Vet Clinic.
     She was miserable, she couldn't pee but she still enjoyed having the window open so she could stick her head out. I was scared of what it was, when I had called they said it could be a Bladder infection, UTI or blockage in her urethra. Once there, I had to sit in a room while they took her to the back and I had to hear her yelp, whimper and scream these sounds I don't ever want to hear from her again. It killed me that I could not run in there and let her know that I was still here and I wasn't leaving her, the screams were not dog like at all as they gave her this medication that was supposed to relax her but only made it worse and her seem drunk. She has stones in her bladder, all of them tiny enough to pass but one too large that got lodged in the urethra, they were able to push it back into the bladder but it has to come out. After two hours (seemed like forever) they brought her back into the room with me and she was immediately at my side (dazed), nudging me and looking up at me, glued to my side.
      They gave me medication for her, and now I have to wait til Monday to call my vet and take her in, find out how much it will cost to get the stone out. I am not going to let her suffer this, but I am not going to put her down. This isn't something caused with age but an accident that shouldn't have happened. Molly is as healthy as a pup (not as crazy hyper as she was as a pup though) and still has at least 3 great years to go before she starts slowing and wearing down. She plays with my almost 2 year old Cattle Dog mix Rocky every night, jumping and running and rearing up with each other (and humping him). She has too much life in her to just throw it away because of money, I will gladly sell my camera gear if that is what it takes.
      I know lots of people go through this, I know what everyone will say but it isn't the same. There isn't one person around me that knows why and how strong of a bond Molly and I have. I remember the day she found me, the day I was standing in front of a neighbor's yard watching my brother do stupid things on his bike when I had this feeling and looked over across the street. There sitting in a driveway watching me with this intense gaze was this black and white fur ball, we ran over there to her and she peed on herself excitedly. I loved her immediately, though I knew mom would try to find her home (she had a collar on). After few days mom decided we would keep her, and I knew it was fate. I had been wishing for a dog like Molly, begging to have one fall into my lap and she is so much more. She is the perfect of both Siberian Husky and German Shepherd, she has always had the free, energizer bunny spirit of a husky but that unbreakable loyalty of a German Shepherd, to me. She found me back in 1999 and has been my best friend, my shadow ever since then; when I had nobody to talk to, nobody to hang out with, she has always been there for me. Never judging me, never holding anything against me but always ready for anything whether it was racing around the neighborhood pulling me on my rollerblades or running through the woods, and always my best friend, my kindred spirit sleeping right under my bed (growing up in my mom's house) where my head would lay. I am not ready to lose her yet, I know everyone says that but this angel has saved my life countless times, the thought of her being left here due to a selfish act has kept me from acting on those thoughts so many times I have lost count. Without her here, I would feel so alone and I know that probably sounds wrong as I have a family and  a great husband but Molly is the center of my world, and I owe her whatever it takes to make her better. I would lose all heart, all drive to keep pushing forward if I have to give her up now. I am not ready for it, though I know it is inevitable and I have told myself that if there was any suffering that couldn't be fixed permanently, or if I could see in her eyes that she was done - but she isn't done, I can see that in her eyes now. This angel of mine still has the spunk she had as a puppy, the stubborn tenacity that I fell in love with from the beginning. Even with her 13th birthday coming up in November you wouldn't know it, not with this girl.
      Someday I will have to let go, but it won't be this year and it will not be anytime soon. When she is ready, when she knows I am ready then she will let me know as she has always let me know what she wants from me. 

A Day is Never 100% Great

    Other than this morning's great run and morning cleaning slash sex, afternoon went to shit within seconds when Cameron turned in a raging asshole about some bullshit over my brother. So now my brother is pissed off about shit that isn't his fault, it isn't his fault if Brittney Smith is interested in him but now Jared is no longer allowed at the house since Brittney Smith is here just about every fucking night. He claims any interaction would probably screw up their "band vibe", but I think it is mainly because Cameron secretly wants to fuck her and doesn't want Jared messing with her. I can't confront him on it because he would blow his top and I would probably get my ass bounced, honestly I think he is just insane and has a whole LOT of issues. I had no idea I was throwing myself into this kind of mess marrying him, it doesn't seem to be in all of them but just him, Ethan and Preston. They immediately lash out at outsiders or anyone who "threatens" the band vibe or guy vibe and women (except the ones they want to fuck, including Cameron) are immediate outsiders.
     I left the shop afterwards and took the dogs hiking in the woods down by the river, then came home and Cameron was all lovey dovey and wanting sex so yeah; I don't want to talk about it because I am sick of being forced to make a choice and choose between him and his family over mine. Or he likes to make me feel like shit by telling me how much my family suck and how they are dirty pieces of shit (at least a few of them are). Oh the joys of married life.

It is all Downhill Thursday

    Team 13 shouldn't be canceled tonight since it feels pretty good outside and no bad weather around that time. I have not been to the gym all week, but I have been doing some workouts at home (mainly my abdominal and core) and focusing on push ups. I am definitely decreasing the amount of lower body strength training to maybe once a week, because I can already feel my knees acting up as we move into 3 miles. I am hoping like hell that it doesn't wreck my training because I don't know what I would do if I miss this Half Marathon and have to wait a whole year.
    I am getting a little worried about the business's finances as our sales have slowed down dramatically and we are about to pay a huge bill for material. I really hate it when sales slow down, but unfortunately that is the way life is in business.

Monday ends Not too Bad

     Even though it started off pretty shitty, the day didn't end so bad. Tomorrow is the 3 mile run and this week is going to be very hot and humid so we will see how things go. I might end up running on the Treadmill a lot, and I really hate the treadmill especially if it is more than 2.5 miles on it. Cameron worked on my jeep's A/C blower thingy and has it working finally but now it won't even go off, the a/c keeps going even when the engine is turned off.
    I have been thinking more and more about the Half Marathon and how to prepare for it. I am a little more reassured since talking to some others, but now my question is about food and the eating plan for this. As mileage increases on the long runs and weekly runs, I am going to have to increase my calories slightly. Definitely going to need to do a lot of research so that things are done correctly and without mistakes. Ugh I am so nervous damn it, and I am scared I am going to get even more nervous as we get closer to the date.

And Another Manic Monday

     So I barely remember waking up to my alarm this morning, then falling back to sleep and not waking up until 7:00 a.m when Cameron asked me what time it was. I missed my morning workout and am pretty fucking pissed off about it, Cameron said my body probably needed the rest. I am not going to eat much today, except for my protein shakes and subway sandwich. I think I have slimmed down some though, in just a week but of course I did just go through my "time of the month" deal so yeah. Tomorrow is Team 13's first run - 3 miles starting at Wesselman's and I am not very nervous but a little which is weird.

So Far This Morning

     I woke up around 8:30 this morning, my tummy feeling flatter than yesterday which is a pretty good thing. This afternoon we are going to Denny's with the band as a birthday gift thing for Brittney Smith. This weekend we learned quite a  few new things about Ethan's ex, she had been having sex with that Alex guy long before she finally broke up with Ethan. She is also making Ethan out to be the bad guy to everyone now, so if I ever run into I will have a lot of words with her. 
    Other than that kind of drama, I have been a little more concerned since yesterday morning after looking at the Team 13 training schedule. We are going to be increasing each Saturday long run a mile a week while keeping the Tuesday and Thursday runs at 3 miles......... how is that possible and will I even survive? Next Saturday is 3 miles, the following Saturday is 4 miles, the third one is 5 miles, the fourth one is 6 miles and so on and so forth. I am just scared that this is going to wind up in an injury again, and that really upsets me.

Life Can Only Get Worse

       This whole week has been complete shit, for so many reasons that I don't want to begin to state them. My insecurities and anxieties are so much louder than they have ever been, and I cannot ignore them for the sake of my sanity. I feel myself breaking and falling apart, and there is nobody I can talk to because everyone seems to think that he is pretty much an angel and I am beginning to really question that.
        I cannot function mentally, my mind is so bogged up and distracted that everything is bottle necking and I am too helpless to do anything about it. I don't know if it is going to improve or get worse, nothing is able to take my mind off of all these bad things. I am beginning to think that life is going to stay this way, because I pretty much have no choice other than downhill. 
       Tomorrow morning I have to run 3 miles, tonight the band has a gig at the Eagles club  - 8 p.m to 10 p.m and I will be leaving at 10 to go home and hit the sack because knowing Cameron, he will come in and wake my ass up talking about shit which I won't care because I am trying to sleep. I know my sleep is going to be fucked up because of them, they don't give a shit about me and how I feel or the things I do.

Just Another Manic Monday

        This weekend was the usual........boring except for the Saturday morning run and my ride with Booger Sunday. I have not been on the forum since Friday though, and I am alright with that. Whatever the comments people are leaving on my threads are probably just going to pi$$ me off more, and I really don't feel like walking around here steaming over things I can't control.  On happier notes:   
       We have 2 weeks left until Jumpstart ends and Team 13 begins; I am so excited for it, I am still running fine and good as we are getting up to 3 miles and I have even picked up speed (or at least I have knocked off about 30 to 45 seconds from my past training time). I cannot wait to run more than 4 miles, it has been almost a year since my first and last 5 mile run (which was what got me into the IT band mess) and I am so excited!!!!!! Someday I hope to do these runs by myself, but for now it feels great to have others around me with the same intent and motive that I have.
     I do miss the majority of the Beginners Forum, I am so used to going on there and lurking and posting but this whole "at each other's throats" mentality right now is beyond what my toleration can handle. Maybe in a couple of weeks, things will blow over and everyone will be back to mostly nice and helpful.

Today and So Far

     Today I went for what is probably my last lesson and ride with Booger, I wanted to cry but I did not want to look like a sissy. Our lesson had an audience which really sucked, I wasn't feeling myself and haven't worked on our training so much, so things did not go too well then. The riding went really well though, and Jill said the lease ends this Thursday so I can come out anytime until then and ride him. I can also come out for $20 anytime and work with him as long as I have a lesson at least every other week. It is painful to give him up, knowing that somebody will probably end up buying him before the year is over with.
     The band thing is getting old, I do not know why or when it started but I just wish Cameron would end it already - as selfish as that might sound but the band is never going to go anywhere even if he wants to become famous in just this city, that isn't going to happen and he is wasting time and thousands of dollars on it. Alright, I have not been myself lately and have been very irritated, the only time I am actually enjoying life is when I am running, and that is only 3 times a week.
      Anyways, maybe I will be able to start riding again in a couple of months; maybe Cameron will allow it. I doubt Booger will be there still, but maybe I should look at a younger horse, one closer to his teens maybe between 11 and 17 years old so I can do a lot more with him and a lot longer. I love Booger and will always wish that this had worked out, hopefully he will have a better home either way.

Liberals and Idiots

   So this week is ending quite shitty, and again I am just about done with the RW because either it is the summer heat or everyone is just turning into a bunch of dicks who sit around waiting to attack a member who is posting something. I was having a good time on other threads and noticing people kept mentioning how everyone is at each other's throats. I post a thread/topic and am immediately attacked for it, Yay. Great way to end the week.

Officially Hump Day

    It is Wednesday, the middle of the week and things are already looking down this morning. I had found the bassist from Nonpoint on facebook, and seeing that he makes his own shirts, I thought I would comment. Mainly trying to make myself feel good because these last couple of weeks I have been feeling kind of insecure, I wasn't expecting much but at the moment thought it would feel good to talk to someone way out of my league (guy or girl) and them talk back. Cameron seen the post and is pissed at me, and I feel like complete shit now for it; I didn't mean or want this to happen but I let my stupid insecurities get in the way. This morning was going so well until now, and nothing is going to make this go away or change....... this fucking blows -
    Almost 3 years ago, and things seemed like they were getting better, that I was improving and getting stronger - and now this bullshit; because I could not control myself when I saw that a musician that I have the hots for is on facebook and added me as a friend. Why the fuck can't I control that part, why can I not just look away and remind myself that even flirting can be wrong especially when it has gone wrong before? God this sucks, because everything was going so freaking good and I go and blow it like always - I am such a freaking idiot, I am more than an idiot but there is no word demoralizing and degrading to call what I am.

    Yesterday's Insane rant was maybe a little overboard but I really needed to get that out of my system, whether it is true or warranted, I do feel a little better now. I did not get up this morning to work out since I am running 2.5 miles tonight, but I woke up and got up at 5:50 a.m anyways which wasn't bad because I need to stay with this schedule but it was kind of boring. Cameron has become interested in cock rings, so I purchased a few off of Adam and Eve today so he can try something other than a hair tie.
    Jump Start is now above 2 miles; tonight we run 2.5, Thursday night we will run 2 miles and then Saturday morning is supposed to be 2.75 miles if I can get up early enough to run with them. July 9th is when Team 13 begins!!!!!!!! I do not know why I am so excited about that, but I am, probably because it means going from from 3 miles to 13 miles this year!!!!!! I am so excited, this week is the beginning of the end of running any days other than Jump Start/Team13, now that we are upping the mileage past 3 miles very soon, I can not risk another injury. This year I will run the Half Marathon in October, or at least run most of it.
    

Attempt to Adjust and Failing

    It is difficult trying to ignore the voices in my head, the ones saying that something is going to happen between Cameron and Brittney Smith, the new addition to their band. Cameron feels that he must have a female vocalist to compete in the music world (even if they don't make it big), and I have always felt that duet songs are almost like sex so it is pretty uncomfortable to me when I have to hear them down there singing, especially when one of those songs is the one he claimed to have written about me. Not only that, but now I know why my husband stays up way past me just so he can watch raunchy, stupid movies involving sex and whores which is why he is always coming to bed around 1 a.m or 2 a.m aroused and wanting sex. I am just sick of it, sick of feeling like I have to compete with imaginary women and real women....... it just gets to a point of exhaustion; especially when I am always being accused of cheating on him or contemplating about it. I can hardly go work out or run without him accusing me or telling me that I am neglecting him, excuse me for needing to go to sleep before midnight because I have to get up around 5:30 a.m to get these things done. While he sleeps until 9 in the morning to get up and come to the shop, gets home around 6:30 now so he can go downstairs and jam only to come up around midnight - watch a movie and then eventually come to bed.
      I just don't know how much more I can go with, I don't know if I have the energy to fight these voices and sit here just to wait til it happens. Eventually something will happen, whether it is with Brittney or with another woman if Brittney has to leave the band to go to college and another must take her place. Feelings always grow from that shit, and there is nothing I can do about it. So Blog, there you go and only you know this shit - the voices in my head, I thought they were gone, hadn't heard them for ages and now they are back with a vengeance that i can not handle or ignore. I sit up in the living room alone when they play "beautiful music" together, and there is nothing I can fucking do about it. I would do anything to have a beautiful voice, I would give just about anything to sing with him - but unfortunately it is just another cruel joke from life - because I sound like a 12 year old boy instead of a 23 year old woman. These voices keep me up and restless now, they get louder at times and I want to scream.
       I haven't watched their jam sessions since Brittney, but they are going to jam down at the river on 4th of July, I am scared as to how I will handle it and if I will even be able to handle it at all. I can almost imagine them singing to each other, holding hands and shit, but I know that is just the voice in my head and it sucks because they are so loud and block out any sense or logic. I just don't know anymore......... I wish I had someone to talk to.

Bedtime on a Saturday Night

    It is getting close to midnight and Cameron is keeping me up watching some documentary, I do plan on running tomorrow in the morning though. Even if it is storming or just raining, I don't care because I need to run this weekend; since Booger and I worked for 3 hours I am not going to mess with him tomorrow morning. Hopefully I can find the time to work with him at least one time during this coming week though, I don't know if we are going to the river camp next week because it might be storming that weekend too. I need to up my game in working out, though last night I worked with the ab wheel and a few other ab exercises along with push ups using the stability ball. My triceps hurt like hell, my abs are feeling sore so that is a good thing, tomorrow I am going to begin my new workout system, working both the upper and the lower body for an hour using lower weights (for the lower body) with higher reps while switching back and forth from lower weights and higher reps for the upper body to higher weights and lower reps.
     Anyways, I really wish Cameron would start doing some sort of working out with me because his belly is getting bigger and so are his love handles. I am trying not to be picky but it does suck a little because I want to start doing some photos of me and him together. Oh well, we got more things to worry about than that silly little stuff.

This Afternoon At the Barn

    Things did not go so bad catching Booger, until trying to find a halter for him and he tried running me over. Then he tried to grab at some straw that wasn't for him, or it was not in good condition. Getting him out to the arena and on him was easy, as was the 3 hour ride, I tried to post a little during trot but not much. We worked on cantering, jumping/hopping, winding around poles and trotting. He did pretty damn good for 3 hours, and I could tell that little girl Dela was jealous because she wanted to be on Booger. I nicely told her that I was going to be owning Booger here real soon, just so she knew that once that deal went down then she wouldn't be able to ride him anymore.
    After letting Booger back out in the pasture, it was my turn to ride Randy, a 2,000 lb Percheron Draft horse. At 18 hands high, he was definitely a beast! I felt safe on him though, and I also felt like I was riding a elephant instead of a horse. The rest of the day is going to be lazy and then tomorrow is Father's Day so we will be going to my Grandma Mary's house at noon to hang out with the family.

So Happy This Week is Over

    This has been one miserable week, but it is Friday and so the weekend begins. Tomorrow I am hanging with Booger around 12:30 to 3:00 p.m during the cookout day, then Sunday is Father's Day and I will be hanging out at my Grandma Mary's house with the family so this weekend should make up for the whole week. I really wanted to go to the river camp, but this weekend is going to be way too busy yet fun so I don't really mind.
    Yesterday morning's run sucked ass, but the group run at 6 p.m went great and I was happy. Though it was only 1.75 miles, I did just under 10:00 minutes a mile so that was great. I really do enjoy the group runs because I always feel that I do my best with groups. There isn't really a whole lot of talking, but I don't feel alone and things don't start to get boring for me. 
    Tonight we should be going out to eat with my mother for her birthday (yesterday), we don't know where yet but hopefully we will think of something soon.

Wednesday Can Kiss my Ass!!!!

     So this morning started pretty much like shit, woke up around 4 this morning to the smell of dog shit that I had to clean up. Did not fall back to sleep 20 minutes later. So I wake up around 7:00 a.m feeling like shit only to fix a bowl of cereal and spill it all over myself. Ugh, work went okay though and then I get home to try and ride my bike around the block which just about killed me and I think it was either the humidity or some shit. Then Cameron gets home and starts talking about spending $800 on some stupid amp, I am so sick of that shit and wish sales were going just as good as they had 2 weeks ago before Cameron spent $4,000 on more extrusions.
     This sucks and I just don't know how much sanity I have left, along with his new "need" to have a female singer along side him so now I can not listen to the song "Overcome" because he has to have "her" sing in it which makes it worse. That song is great without any other voices especially a female voice, but no he seems to think that it needs a stupid skanky female voice. Ugh I hate this shit, things were going so great two weeks ago!

Manic Monday

    As always, good news is never without bad news; my legs are no longer feeling pain when running anywhere near 3 miles, they haven't for the past month now but for some reason running more than 2 miles is difficult mentally. When I do the group runs, it isn't difficult to reach 2 miles (except for the heat); though this week is going to be less humid so that should be a bit of a nice break. I just don't know if this is something I need to push past and ignore, or if my brain is now trying to adapt to this running. It is definitely aggravating, more good news versus bad news: we might be camping this weekend down at the river, but Jill is having a play day/ cookout at the barn on Saturday 1-3 p.m and I definitely want to go so I can ride Booger and nobody else can. There is this young girl names Della or whatever and she is horrible at riding, and yet she has been the one riding Booger lately. She pulls on the reins, posts just awful and now I know why Booger as been acting out when riding, because he is used to pulling shit that he normally wouldn't get away with when I ride him. It is just frustrating, I can NOT wait until I own Booger so that girl no longer rides him.
     This Sunday is Father's Day, so I will have to leave the camp around 11:30 a.m to head to my Grandma Mary's for lunch and some volleyball time, probably only stay there until 3:00 p.m is not leave around 2 p.m and head back to the river camp.

..................

     This morning started out good, I got up and went to work with Booger then went home and things seemed to be going good then. Cameron has made the decision to bring a female singer into their band, with Brittany Smith (Preston's dream girl) which I was okay with until tonight when I heard him and her singing the song "Overcome" which he claimed was meant for me..... now it just makes me feel like shit and want to puke when I think of the song, I don't know why but it just feels like he might as well be singing that song about her or any other girl that might end up singing with them.
     I am trying to deal with it the best way I can, but it just seems and feels difficult while he is down there singing with another girl. I know it isn't anything but it doesn't feel that way when it comes to that song and it hurts, and nothing is taking my mind off of it.

Oh My God!!!!

    This summer is just miserable, and it is not going to cool down at all. There is good news this week and bad news this week, Brittney breaks up with Ethan all so she can go out and bang other people, I am back to 135 lbs now. I ran this morning and about died, even though it was only around 80 degrees, the sun was beating down on me. At 6 p.m I am running with Jump Start, and it isn't going to cool down at all so I am not looking forward to it. Tuesday we had ran 2 miles, and tonight we are running 1.5 miles which I think I can survive but am a little worried.
     I have not seen Booger since Saturday, and probably will not see him until Sunday because we are going down to the river camp Saturday morning to help clean up what we can. I really want to get down to the camp asap and start spending the weekends down there instead of stuck in the house. Our boat is pretty much scrap because nobody informed us that we need to winterize our boat engine.

Somebody Please Help

    I am so sick of this region's weather, in winter it is freezing cold and summer it is miserably humid and hot. Yesterday I went ahead and ran with the group at 6 p.m with my shirt on up til a half mile left ( 2 miles total), it was sickening hot at around 94* and very humid. I am wishing and praying for this weather to cool down soon otherwise I might just hole up inside until Winter. Today I just went to the gym, I do not plan on running though. Tomorrow morning I am going to run, and hopefully run with the group in the evening.

Already Sick of Summer

    I am definitely already tired of this heat, and to the point of probably running with Jump Start in just my shorts and a sports bra because it wills till be extremely hot around 6 p.m in the evenings.

Too Hot But The Day Must Go On

     Today is above my endurance; as far as heat goes but even though I would love to stay and hide inside, there is just too much to get done today since it is my only day off. This morning I went to the barn and worked with Booger, things went really well and we learned a few new things. I think a lot of Booger's "get up and go" was mainly out of fear and excitement, now that he is calming down and gaining confidence he is really slowing down and getting a little more difficult to canter and even trot so today I had to use the crop. It is a little upsetting, but I am sure we can work on it since we have all the time in the world haha, and hopefully he will be mine soon.
      Around 5 p.m we are going to start getting the camper ready, hopefully it will have cooled down by then since right now it is around 90 something degrees. Unfortunately it isn't going to cool down any, tomorrow is going to storm but we will be at the shop all day. Samson is starting to challenge my patience honestly, to be quite honest I do not favor Labrador Retrievers, they just seem so neurotic and also seem very stupid. At times he shows a lot of intelligence, and then at other times I just want to release him and let him go loose so I don't have to deal him. For the first time since leaving him in the kennel and walking away, he did not start frantically barking, he actually just stood there quietly. I hate that my patience is not strong enough, and I know that I shouldn't let these things push my buttons.

Yesterday Ended Pretty Well

    Samson, the dog we have rescued and are currently looking for a good forever home responded very well to the kennel with minimal barking. He tried to mark in the house so he can not stay inside with us. I call him Sam for short, he is very good but active dog, very intelligent and I think he would make an excellent bird dog (he is full blooded Lab).
    Yesterday evening I went over to the barn to see Booger, as I did the evening before that and was rewarded with his response as he followed me up to the gate the evening before. Yesterday, I let him into his stall so he could eat and I could brush and groom him. Afterwards, I just stayed in there and massaged him and played a couple games of asking him to pick up his hooves. It was a very rewarding half hour and I am reassured as usual that he is my dream horse, "A City Girl's Dream".
     We will see how today goes, I am suppose to run machines today but I do not know how Sam is going to react to me being out in the shop and him being in the office. I am really going to hate this weekend, my dream is to rescue animals but without the efficient tools and shelter, it makes things a little difficult to adjust to. Especially with my needs to work out and all, though this morning I was able to run 3 miles because Cameron agreed to bring Sam in later this morning. He does great in the kennel, just doesn't do to well here at the shop in the office.

Frustrating Life

     I hate that I can not go and see Booger on a regular basis, this is so aggravating because I am leasing him now and am probably only able to see him during the weekends. I am still sitting here at 5:30 waiting to be enslaved on yet another machine until god knows when, I am sick of being here til 7 or 7:30 p.m and Cameron doesn't know shit. He goes home and straight to his recliner, while I am still up and cleaning and preparing dinner, serving him whatever all the way to when I go to bed. I am so sick of the double standard, one sided family and what makes it worse is that I know I would lose the boat, the camper, my horse, just about everything but Molly and the cats if I were to walk away out of frustration, oh not to mention he would probably take my jeep from me. And he wonders why I am so frustrated all the time.

Things have Gone Chaotic

    I can honestly say that I am about to pull my hair out, I think I have pissed Jill off and I have not been able to stop by and see Booger since Saturday due to being so busy at the shop. I am now getting up at 5:40 a.m (alarm going off at 5:30 a.m.) and taking Ethan to the shop as of today, this morning actually went pretty well, I got to the river front and ran 2.15 miles in 20:30 (9:35 miles per minuted) and then went to the gym and did lower leg strengthening  for 30 minutes. Now I've read in a mag that it is best to switch from heavy weights/low reps to light weights/high reps to help lean out, so I am going to have to start experimenting with all that to see if it will help.
    I am sitting here in the office, been on my feet running two machines since 8:50 a.m to 4:00 p.m, finished and now Cameron wants to get back on the mill to run more parts. I am so sick of this, mainly because I am not appreciated and nobody notices. But of course, I really don't have a choice otherwise and I don't mind helping out on the floor. I just wish he and everyone else would notice now that for the last 3 weeks I have been running machines and then going home to clean and prepare dinner, not to mention that in the mornings before work I exert myself with either cardio or strength training. But apparently because I am a female, it is my duty/obligation to slave myself for him and everyone else in the house. I am just sick of it, the boys can lift a tiny finger and get a big thank you from Cameron, but I work myself hard and do the best I can all day when he asks me to and I don't get a single "thank you babe, I really appreciate your helping me".
   Tomorrow I am not sure what I am going to do before the gym after dropping Ethan off at the shop (6:30 a.m), I can not go run since I ran today and did lower leg training, also because I am (hopefully) running tomorrow evening. I will probably do about 25 minutes of hula hooping before we leave the house but I am not sure. I might just spend 45 minutes at the gym, doing mid to light weights with higher reps.