It is difficult trying to ignore the voices in my head, the ones saying that something is going to happen between Cameron and Brittney Smith, the new addition to their band. Cameron feels that he must have a female vocalist to compete in the music world (even if they don't make it big), and I have always felt that duet songs are almost like sex so it is pretty uncomfortable to me when I have to hear them down there singing, especially when one of those songs is the one he claimed to have written about me. Not only that, but now I know why my husband stays up way past me just so he can watch raunchy, stupid movies involving sex and whores which is why he is always coming to bed around 1 a.m or 2 a.m aroused and wanting sex. I am just sick of it, sick of feeling like I have to compete with imaginary women and real women....... it just gets to a point of exhaustion; especially when I am always being accused of cheating on him or contemplating about it. I can hardly go work out or run without him accusing me or telling me that I am neglecting him, excuse me for needing to go to sleep before midnight because I have to get up around 5:30 a.m to get these things done. While he sleeps until 9 in the morning to get up and come to the shop, gets home around 6:30 now so he can go downstairs and jam only to come up around midnight - watch a movie and then eventually come to bed.
I just don't know how much more I can go with, I don't know if I have the energy to fight these voices and sit here just to wait til it happens. Eventually something will happen, whether it is with Brittney or with another woman if Brittney has to leave the band to go to college and another must take her place. Feelings always grow from that shit, and there is nothing I can do about it. So Blog, there you go and only you know this shit - the voices in my head, I thought they were gone, hadn't heard them for ages and now they are back with a vengeance that i can not handle or ignore. I sit up in the living room alone when they play "beautiful music" together, and there is nothing I can fucking do about it. I would do anything to have a beautiful voice, I would give just about anything to sing with him - but unfortunately it is just another cruel joke from life - because I sound like a 12 year old boy instead of a 23 year old woman. These voices keep me up and restless now, they get louder at times and I want to scream.
I haven't watched their jam sessions since Brittney, but they are going to jam down at the river on 4th of July, I am scared as to how I will handle it and if I will even be able to handle it at all. I can almost imagine them singing to each other, holding hands and shit, but I know that is just the voice in my head and it sucks because they are so loud and block out any sense or logic. I just don't know anymore......... I wish I had someone to talk to.
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