Some False Alarms

   Last night I started to feel some tight cramping right in my pelvis, they'd last probably 10 seconds, go away and then within 1 minute come back. I'd say it almost lasted an hour but I've gotten so used to the discomfort these last 3 weeks that I pretty much hardly notice after 2 or 3 times. My bowels have definitely picked up in action since yesterday afternoon, all this morning I have been feeling the bowel cramping and having to go to the bathroom. They say that sometimes as labor draws close, the body will naturally start to make softer bowel movements to get it out faster and out of the way, I won't say whether mine have been soft or not, but they definitely have not been normal since yesterday.
   I am trying not to get my hopes up, I just figure that I have been eating a lot of fiber here lately so my bowels are extremely active right now. Yesterday's 38 week appointment Gina measured me at 37 centimeters, so basically a week behind schedule I guess you could say. She says a lot of women usually are, next appointment is next Wednesday and I am going to have her examine me to see if I have dilated at all. Cameron said last night that either he is coming in 3 days or in about 2 weeks, mom thinks he'll be here sometime next week probably a week early, I am honestly wondering if they were right the first time when they estimated me at April 21st before the ultrasound which showed him measuring to be due around April 12th.
   I am trying to take my mind off of it, I keep telling myself that he will come when he is ready, but the wait is killing me, the excitement is driving me crazy and the anticipation of what labor will feel like for me is making me a little nervous and curious.

38 Weeks and Entertaining Myself

    Doing some research on a blog site that facebook's Informed Moms to Be shared, I'm wondering if some of these strange movements all the way down south are actually contractions or "braxton hicks" contractions instead of junior doing his usual thing........... but I will never be sure as I don't go to the hospital and get all those strange tests done to me that helped on woman find out that she was having contractions and not the baby moving around but I am sure little Dorian is the one making all this movement and fuss, and I am just dealing with fool's hope. Gina is coming to my office for my appointment today, I am still going back and forth on whether to have her examine to see if I have dilated at all, and now that we are doing the appointment in my office I am not exactly comfortable with the idea of doing it now. We'll see what's going on when she gets here around 5:30.
    Cameron thinks it is hilarious and even though I am tempted to try sex to get this going, he no longer wants to because he keeps saying to let Dorian come when he is ready. I am a little annoyed with that, pregnancy has been fun and all but damn it I want to hold my baby, I want to play with him, I want to see what he looks like, I want to watch him grow, damn it!!!!! I will not be induce by medicine though, I will do whatever natural things I can do to stimulate this and get it going.

Tomorrow Marks 38 Weeks ....

   I am actually amazed that my patience has lasted this long, but now I am tired of it and want him out here with me. Last night Cameron and I almost got into a wrestling match but I had to remember that I have a belly with a baby, so the wrestling match didn't reach it's usual extent. I miss wrestling, I miss laying on my tummy (I really miss that one), I miss rollerblading, I miss mountain biking, I miss trail running, I really, truly miss working out my abdominal muscles dang it. I have everything ready for him, now he needs to get here so I can use this stuff and have him, I know the majority of the first few weeks will be mainly sleep, eat, poop/pee, but I don't care because that is just a part of the next chapter and I am ready go from this long chapter to the next one. I want to hold him, cuddle with him and watch him grow dang it!!!! I actually have a baby pool going on facebook right now, with people guessing when Dorian will arrive. It will make things interesting and less hard of a wait for me I think.
    Cameron and I are so used to playing and wrestling with each other, but this whole time I have had to keep reminding myself to be careful because of the belly and Dorian which is hard because I sometimes get over excited when wrestling and I want to get really rough. We also used to race for the bedroom at night, see who could get in there first but we've had to tone it down these last 2 months with concern of me tripping and falling. Pregnancy kind of sucks dang it, so many things I can do, I feel like a child again being told no lol.
       But seriously, if he isn't making much head way or out by Saturday, I going to go for a littl run/walk as that might help push things further dang it. Tomorrow I go in for my appointment and I am going to have Gina check and see if I am dilated at all, I am kind of nervous though as I'd hate to hear that I haven't dilated or anything at all.  

Maybe a Few More Days

   After talking to Stephanie, some if not all of my mucus plug came out yesterday so it might not be much longer. Usually when the mucus plug falls out, labor is only a few days away. Honestly I hope so, because I am ready for this to be done. If Dorian comes this week, that would give me 2 extra weeks to the 6 weeks of recovery I would have before Jumpstart begins if he is born on April 12th. What would be hilarious is if he is born next Monday on April Fool's Day, though my mom doesn't find that too funny lol. It would definitely be a date to remember.
   Plus, if he is born 2 weeks early he would be about 2 months when Jumpstart begins and much better off in the infant carseat stroller during runs than he would be at a little over a month old. I am excited, and a little nervous but more excited and over the nervous feeling now.

So Ready for This to be Over!!!

    God I don't know how much longer I can take of this pregnancy! I am sick of being a fat fucking cow, I am sick of not being able to work out like I used to, I am SO FUCKING SICK of just being fat and unattractive!!!! This is honestly becoming depressing again, I am so aggravated and my patience has ran it's course. I have everything now, everything I need but no baby yet and knowing my luck he won't come until his due date. I don't think I can handle 3 more weeks, I just cannot take this anymore. There was a time in my life that I feared labor and the pain, but now I look forward to it, I want it and anticipate it, I no longer fear it.
    I don't think there is a single person within a city's radius that understands what I am feeling or going through, mainly because the majority of women I know are selfish and don't hardly want much to do with their kids. Not to mention they don't mind being fat, or using it as an excuse to eat more and be even more lazier than they already are. I just don't know how much more I can take of this, I honestly feel myself hitting that suicidal point again. 

Why Are Men Such Assholes?

    Whether it's because I'm fat and pregnant, or just sick of hearing the shit over and over again from him, "god that chick was hot",  "man what an ass on her", etc...... as if I am just another guy he's talking to and his wife isn't around. All this bullshit and he seriously expects me to be completely okay with him going to skate world showing off around a bunch of good looking young chicks....? Are you fucking kidding me?
    Part of me wants to not give a fuck, but really a huge part of me just doesn't give a shit if he leaves me or cheats on me with one of them, if it happens there is nothing I can do about so why try to compete with the chicks he really wants and is attracted to? If he decides to make that move, then he's making that move whether I do anything or not.

In Between 37 and 38 Weeks

     So it is a Saturday and we're all just sitting around relaxing, baby Dorian is still inside and still seems to be comfortable in there. I know it is better if he waits until 40 weeks, but I'd be just as happy if he were to come out within the next week as I am ready to move on to the next chapter in this new book in my life. I am walking as much as possible, hiking on the weekends just trying to get him in position and get the labor going, I can feel the pressure and discomfort in my pelvis but no labor yet, which is kind of blah. I think a large part of me is just ready to know what it feels like, I am ready to know how I am going to handle the pain and how long the labor will take.
      Shauna should be getting my bassinet tonight, I really hope so as that is a very important thing that I really need and it would be very bad if Dorian comes before I have the bassinet. My next appointment is this Thursday, I am going to have Gina check and see if I have dilated or effaced at all.

Really Needing to Vent

    Other than the venting, for the past 3 or 4 nights I have been feeling what I believe to be braxton hicks contractions, but last night I felt two actual contractions 5 minutes apart and that was it as far as I know. I have a feeling I won't make it past 38 weeks, or maybe it's just a fool's hope that I am almost done with this. Gina came in this afternoon to measure me and his heartbeat, Dorian is doing great and there's nothing to worry about, but Cameron had me worried yesterday.
     On to the venting, of course that was a couple hours ago so I can't really vent as much as I wanted to, I am just sick of hearing about skate world already because I know what is going to happen and I don't know if I can handle it. Everytime I bring up Jean and how she had gained 50 lbs during her pregnancy and how knowing that makes me feel better, he ALWAYS has to comment on how GREAT her ass looks, and even before pregnancy my ass was so much larger than her's so it just makes me feel like complete dogshit to also know that a lot of the chicks at Skateworld will have asses like her's. And I won't even be going for the first month or 2 that he will be going, which I'll probably end up not even bothering because I don't want to come in looking like the idiotic, naive wife whose husband has been going to the skate rink for the last 2 months without me and showing off around all that young, great looking ass and me nowhere around to know exactly what's gone down. And I sure as hell don't want to meet any of them or have him introduce me to some chick he'd been talking to for the last couple of weeks.
    Anyways, that is pretty much my vent other than the usual

Why Do I Feel Nothing Good Will Come of Something?

   Ever since Stephanie's daughter's birthday party at skate world, Cameron has wanted to take up "skating" (not blading) again, but he only wants to do it at skate world and doesn't want to try and go outside so that we could take Dorian later on. Why does this bother me........ 1: he is on facebook trying to invite "anyone", and those anyones will most likely be some of the good looking young chick on his facebook page or the older women who would try and hook up with him. 2: there's a lot of young hot girls that probably go there, and he is a HUGE attention whore and will be showing off. 3: he loves shoving it in other guys faces by getting the attention of their girlfriends or a chick they are interested in by whatever means possible.
   I won't be able to go for probably 2 months, at least 4 weeks for sure and by then he will probably know some hot chick there and try and introduce me to her. Fuck that, just like the hot chicks on his facebook page, I will not be friends with some chick he met alone without me there and has been hanging around with them. I just don't feel comfortable with it, and I can see some major problems.

Thirty-Seven Weeks Today

   As of today I am 37 weeks pregnant and officially full term, if Dorian decides to come anytime after today he is fine (so long as there are no complications). I am definitely ready for pregnancy to be over with, the sleepless night due to insomnia, my bladder, my body hurting and in need of a new mattress because the one we have is almost 8 years old and well past it's retirement.
   So many are telling me how the sleep isn't going to get better, but I can assure them any sleep without this big belly, the achy joints and weak bladder is better than even 3 hours of uncomfortable sleep. Unfortunately Cameron is determined to get a crappy used mattress set, we actually have the money right now to get a good, unused mattress set for like $500 total and yet he wants to buy someone else's mattress set for the same price basically (maybe $100-$200 cheaper). I want to try one before I decide on one, and it isn't exactly something I am comfortable going into some stranger's house and laying on their bed.
    Anyways, other than that crap things are going pretty well. I am still walking, trying to get in 30 minutes at least but my bladder doesn't cooperate and even though we are having beautiful weather, the bathrooms along the routes are closed until March 31st (total Bullshit) so if I can't take it, I have to cut my walks short just so I can race to a bathroom somewhere. As I said in the beginning of this post, I am so ready for this pregnancy to be over with damn it.

My Intuition is Saying Something..... Should I Trust It?

   My energy has been zapped for the past week, I still force myself to walk for at least 30 minutes a day even though my pelvis can hardly take it anymore, I can feel the heaviness in it and the pressure so much. The nesting drive is so strong right now, it has been the strongest since last Thursday BUT I hardly have the energy to do anything, I'll have a blast of energy for about 20 minutes of running around sweating, making sure things are ready for Dorian and then BAM I am on the couch or in bed tired as hell. Noticing this, my husband Cameron told me yesterday he's got that feeling that Dorian isn't going to wait 2 more weeks, possibly even a week now. Cameron knows me, he knows my energy level normally has no end to it, even throughout this pregnancy up until now, and all of a sudden I am just drained of it. I figured I wouldn't make it to 40 weeks, as early deliveries run in my family but it would be great to know for sure. The anticipation is killing me: when is he coming, how is it going to feel, is it going to be too much to bare, is it going to be quick or slow, am I going to start freaking out when it happens??? I just hate not knowing the feelings, never experiencing this before so I have so many questions that won't be answered until the day he comes. My intuition says sometime next week, possibly April 1st though I think that is just my sense of humor. The anticipation is killing me dang it!

Belly Photos at 9 months and 3 Days

   I don't honestly know what I was thinking, I guess I was being bold at the time and decided to take photos of my 9 months and 3 days pregnant body in my bikini. I would like to take photos on the day Dorian comes, but who know when that will be and if I will feel up to it at that point. I feel like I am going to pop, and my energy is easily drained now, Cameron doesn't think it will be too much longer if not a week now but who knows. I will get bursts of energy, but then it will be gone within minutes and I want to sleep. I am very excited, I believe I have everything prepared for his arrival or at least as much as possible. Anyways, here are the photos.

Running Might Be Stalled for a Month or So

 Dorian has definitely dropped, everyone is noticing and so is my pelvis. I figured that after this coming Thursday (37 weeks) I would try to do some running again, and I do plan on making an attempt but it looks like it probably won't be too much. The pressure on my groin and pelvis are almost too much when walking and I can only imagine what it will be like if I try to run. It is a little upsetting, but I think as long as I keep up evening walks then I should be able to keep my body in shape in these last few weeks and the following recovery weeks. Afternoons are almost too warm now to take Molly for walks, so I will have to move the walks into the evenings, and work towards 2 miles or maybe 2.5 miles if I can. 
   I've got the carseat adapter in the Tahoe, it is tight and hardly even moves. I have worked out the stroller so that the infant carseat fits in there snug and slightly laying back for an infant. My sister Shauna got me a much better head and neck support for the carseat, for running and some trail hiking. I still feel a bit nervous, wondering if I have everything I need for him and if I am going to be prepared. Gosh this is more nerve racking than a puppy.

Tomorrow is My Baby Shower - Reality hits Once Again

    Tomorrow is the baby shower, and I am being hit by that "holy crap this isn't a dream" feeling again. I believe that feeling has hit me about 4 times throughout this whole pregnancy, possibly 6 times maybe. I mean I've gotten used to the pregnancy, since I've been dealing with it for months now but I have not yet gotten used to the idea that little Dorian will be here all so very soon and this is going to be a whole new experience for me.
    It is kind of a wow, and yet a" holy shit am I actually ready for something like this?" kind of thing. I guess the main reason is because I have no idea how things are going to go, I won't know until he gets here and not knowing things has always bothered me. I am so freaking nervous, so excited but so really freaking nervous about it!!! Lord this is going to be different, it is going to be crazy and excited and just nuts for a while until I get a handle on things, and we'll see how long that takes me.

Twenty-Eight Days from Due Date

    Well, I am under 30 days now and counting down steadily, as it is difficult to know exactly when he will come, I am excited but not as excited as I probably would be if we somehow knew for sure. Though, something tells me the next 2 weeks are going to be very interesting, I honestly don't think Dorian is going to wait too much past 38 weeks.
     To be honest, I am a little worried this morning because Dorian hasn't really been making a lot movements like normal. He's usually very active on the way into work, but this morning I barely felt anything. Cameron isn't too worried, he says he is just slowing down some and maybe he even doesn't have a whole lot of room now to move. I am trying not to freak out, we've made it to 36 weeks and he has been very active for the last 2 or 3 months....... maybe since 18 weeks pregnant, Gina listened to his heart rate Wednesday and it was 130-139 bpm still.
    I guess I am just gun shy because of 2009's miscarriage and hearing women tell me about miscarrying at 8 months or giving birth to a stillborn, I believe I am just so paranoid right now and want to him out so that I know without a doubt he is doing great.... it is hard to know for sure while he is in there, but my heart says everything is fine and I am just being paranoid.

Thirty-Six Weeks Today

   As of today I am 36 weeks or 9 months along, Gina the midwife says that Dorian is still head down and definitely pressing into my pelvis now. I honestly don't think it will be much longer, maybe 3 more weeks at most but as long as he doesn't come in the next week I am happy. This big belly is becoming annoying though, mainly because I keep forgetting it is there and run into something or bump something and it hurts. The pain is more like when you press a little too hard on your belly button though, but it is still aggravating. The midwife is pretty positive that there won't be any issues during labor, and things will definitely be easy as long as I keep in mind that this pain, like any other pain I've pushed through will end and there is a prize at the finish........ I just have to remind myself that OVER, AND OVER AND OVER again.
    My main reason for being excited for this to be almost over is the awkwardness of the belly, and my overall awkwardness....... I told Cameron it will definitely be a few years before the next one because I don't think I could go through another 36 - 40 weeks of this, technically the belly has only really been here since about 25 weeks so........ but the not being able to rollerblade, mountain biking, trail running, kickboxing, wrestling with my husband, laying on my stomach, eating meat medium rare and other things...... all that would drive me crazy, and not mention the bladder and bathroom breaks every 5 minutes lol. I've always liked the idea of 2 children, but not too close in age, maybe 3 to 5 years apart.
     I can honestly say that I will be so happy to have Dorian in my arms, to be able to look at him and hold him, and to really start my journey as a mother. It's going to be quite an experience, but I have so much to teach him and show him already, and so many opportunities to provide to him that I didn't have growing up. I don't mean spoiling, by no means materialist things but more valuable things in life. I'm going to show him why nature and wildlife is so much more important and interesting than television and all this technology crap, but also the good that television does have to offer (Magic Schoolbus, National Geographic, Nova). I cannot wait.

Oh Being Pregnant

   I can honestly say a huge part of me is ready to hold Dorian and have him out of my body. I want my body back, and I am tired of feeling awkward and fat......... and not being able to lay on my stomach or back, those are like my favorite positions to sleep in when I can sleep. I don't want him to come before 37 weeks though, and it would be nice if he can make it to 38 weeks but after that he can come anytime he likes and as early as he wants. Beautiful warm weather is here, I want to begin wearing my shorts again but with this big ole belly, wearing shorts feels really awkward and then I really begin to waddle. I want to take him out and let him enjoy this gorgeous weather (though he probably won't notice too much for a while), knowing my luck if he waits until mid April it is probably going to be rainy and miserable :(.
   Ugh, I think it is more my patience than anything but 40 weeks is a lot of time being pregnant. Then again I am glad he didn't come in winter because that would have been miserable packing him around in 30 degrees, although our winter here hasn't been bad at all. I am just ready to get things going, I am ready for Dorian to be here, I am ready to get back into shape, I am ready to start using my stroller and taking Dorian to so many places (though for the 1st few months he won't notice or care), I am just ready to stop being pregnant!!!! I seriously think he is trying to do jumping jacks upside down inside of me and keeps getting stuck, not to mention I am sure he is practicing some of his future muy thai moves.

Feeling Pretty Good

   So I have sworn off running until I get past 37 weeks, and I really miss it now. Last week I didn't get to do too much walking because of a hectic schedule so this weekend I've made up some of it. Yesterday after cleaning, I went for a 40 minute hike in the woods, it felt great being out in the woods and I can't wait to take Dorian. This morning I took Molly for a 30 minute walk (1.7 miles) and then later around 1:30 p.m I went for another 40 minute hike and felt great for it. I really do love the woods so much, it is so peaceful and a great way to get away from it all. Those moments are ones I cannot wait to share with Dorian as he grows up, along with everything else I am going to share with him.
   I am getting extremely curious as to when he is going to make his debut, hopefully it won't be until after 38 weeks though, as long as he doesn't come sooner than that I am good. Only a month to go now.

Another Friday, I don't Feel Like Doing Anything

    Ugh, I just don't feel like doing anything right now. Yesterday I went home around 3 p.m as I was extremely tired and needed some sleep. I didn't get much because my sister started texting me about the baby registry an hour later and so I just got up, maybe today I can go home around 4 p.m and get some sleep. All this excitement and nervousness has me really tired, and the constant getting up to go pee and not being able to lay on either of my sides due to strange pressure but I shouldn't really lay on my back because of that stupid artery that is back there.
    Honestly, I just don't want to be here at the shop. Right now a hike in the woods sounds really good, but the weather is constantly bouncing around and going up and down and one day it's storming, the next it is cold and cloudy. I am so sick of this weather, and I am so not looking forward to this summer's humid temperatures. It won't be too bad if I can get back to a decent body and feel comfortable running in my shorts and sports bra, but the humidity is still a bitch to me.

Dorian is Head Down and Ready!

   I was definitely a little nervous at first, wondering if he would be head down yet or not. Luckily and to my relief, Dorian is ready and has his head right on my uterus. He has such character already, and I am so excited to have him in my arms and start planning his future and everything. That part kind of worries me too, I have horrible patience and I know everything will be slow at first as he is small and won't be doing a whole lot for so many months. But I really don't care at this point, he is mine to corrupt and that is all that matters!

Thirty-Five Weeks Today

   As of today, I have reached 35 weeks and should only have about 5 weeks left if not less. Again, I am praying that he stays in until 37 weeks as that is full term. Today we go in for another ultrasound, just to see how he is doing and to get some better images of his face. I am also hoping that he has turned downwards but I know some babies don't until around the 38th week or so, I just hope I don't freak out if he has turned head down yet.
   I am getting anxious, I am so ready to get back into shape and to no longer look like a beach ball (technically I look more like I have a volleyball than a beach ball). I am definitely ready for this challenge of getting back into shape and having my previous body back, I didn't appreciate it enough before this pregnancy. Again, I am curious on how I will do once he arrives as so many things can change - even my own determination and focus could change the moment he gets here. It will definitely be interesting to see how things shift and how my schedule goes once he arrives.

Sometimes I Just Want to Tell Him To Fuck Himself

   I am so severely sick and tired of his impatient, bitchy fucking shit and even more so when he tries to accuse me of a being a brat. The minute he wants something done, he wants it right then and there and but doesn't even know how to do it so he gets all pissed off at me when I can't just stand there and explain it in a fraction of a second. Not only that, but then he is sitting there at the computer CONTROLLING everything as usual, while demanding me to show him where something is and gets all fucking pissed off when I can't verbally explain to him within a second after he demands it. God damn it, sometimes I really want to just quit this and leave, I am so sick of him thinking that because he has the upper hand in my life and is "the best thing that ever happened to me", he can treat me like shit whenever he chooses to" because he knows I am not going anywhere because I have nowhere to go.

The Countdown is Making Me Anxious

  This Thursday I will be 35 weeks pregnant, and I am counting these weeks down very closely. As much as I hate to say this, I cannot wait to no longer be pregnant, it hasn't been horrible but this last trimester has definitely tested my patience and tolerance of seeing myself so fat. I cannot wait to begin working out on my abs again, and to start losing this weight. It is definitely going to be interesting when Dorian gets here, I wonder how my determination to work out will be and how tired I will be. I am getting more and more excited but also more and more nervous about things and how will I keep up with everything..... everything is about to change, I will be going from an individual who was always able to just go out and do things without worrying to a mother with a child and not always able to go out whenever. I mean I am going to make it a mission to take him hiking (in the stroller), walking, running, strollerblading and whatever else I can think of. Of course this will all depend on the weather as well, but I don't plan on making excuses like everyone else. There is no reason I can't take him with me to just about everywhere.

Sometimes I Want To Scream

   I am trying my damnest to be patient with this, knowing I only have about 6 more weeks to go but Cameron is making it very difficult. I am sick of being called a fatty or tubby among other things such as my ass being so large, it just pisses me off to no end. I am getting to the point where I want this pregnancy to be over with so I can start getting back into shape! Problem is, I really hate this feeling because I don't want to be that type that can't wait to get the baby out or to hate being pregnant. If I mention to him how I feel, he either brings up the fact that I say it to him all the time (hello, I have a reason not to work out to lose the weight right now!!!!) or that I am pregnant and supposed to look this way..... then don't fucking make fun of me!!! I don't feel sexy when he does it, it makes me feel horrible and crappy.... and then he wonders why I call bullshit when he tries to make cat calls or some other crap to me. I am just getting so sick of this crap!!!!