Fighting That Demons Once More

   Last weekend, my husband decided that in order to boost Chaos sales we needed to have a sexy girl model the Chaos AK47 Titan Quad Rail and become the "Chaos" Girl. When he spoke those words, it immediately tore through me - not so much for the fact but because by not saying it he told me I wasn't and will never be good enough to be the "Chaos" girl or to model off his gun products. From that point on, all his words meant nothing - all his "you're so sexy, you turn me on", "blah blah blah blah blah" is all I hear now. Since then, the demons I had buried a while back and had to fight with during pregnancy and subdue them after pregnancy, those demons are back and stronger than ever. I try to ignore them, I try to just get out and run or do hard work outs that hurt like hell and cause me to be sore the next couple of days - but nothing helps shut them out. I am the photographer who gets to do the shooting session, and I get to work with the model but that only reminds me that I will forever have to face the fact that I am not good enough and will never be good enough, every time I'll see her face, her body on the website and facebook page, every time I'll have to hear him talk to others about her and gloat about how sexy she is - I will be reminded of how I am not, I am nowhere close to her league and never will be. I will never be skinny enough, never have the breasts (no breasts at all actually), I will never be as stunningly beautiful and sexy as she or any other woman in her league. I will have to face these demons every fucking, god damn day after the shoot and the photos are finished and ready to be put up. And knowing that he will use her image and body to pleasure himself and get off makes it so much worse to deal with, because she will have been in the shop and around him. Not some make believe chick from a movie or porn but a real woman, a young woman that lives here in Evansville and can be reached anytime he desires. This isn't like my celebrity crushes of men I will never meet or will NEVER be interested in me, but real and within his reach. That truth, that knowledge makes this pill almost impossible to swallow, and I honestly don't know if I will be able to. I cannot talk to him about it, he'll yell at me about my insecurities and get really shitty with me. I have to pretty much keep it inside of me.

Rocky had a Seizure Last Night

   Last night around 10 p.m, Rocky began to have a seizure. He didn't lose control of his bladder, but all the muscles in his body started spasming and at one point he even try to claw at his face. I later found a large tick on the floor which Cameron thinks was on his mouth and he was trying to get it off. He was drooling a lot, so I called the animal ER and they said it was most likely a seizure caused by maybe something he got into. He had just gone outside twice that evening, and we're pretty sure he got into something out there though not sure what. I also noticed he was looking especially fat or bloated in the abdomen.
   About 20-25 minutes after the seizure he ended up puking up what looked like his 3 meals he had today. Cameron and I both decided that from now on he isn't allowed to roam free outside and will have to be put on a lead, since we are not sure what he got into.
   This morning I went ahead and took him for our run on the trails, we ran 7 miles and he did great, no issues. I then took him over the riverbank for no real reason, I just wanted to watch the sun rise. Rocky has poor judgement when comes to depth perception and water, as he was trying to get down to get a drink he fell in. I tried to coax him towards a spot where he could get out, but he wouldn't listen and kept trying to climb up a spot where the water is a foot below the bank. Within seconds after he fell in, I realized he was going to climb out by himself and I could tell he was already getting tired and ready to give up. I dropped my phone and reached down and grabbed him by his collar and the scruff of his neck, and I pulled him out. It was a scary experience, for sure.

Not Sure What to Do

  I honestly don't know if I am just being paranoid or if I have valid reasons to think something is going on, not so much the late nights at the shop but other things. The fact that on everything like his phone, his nook, kindle, and probably downstairs computer has porn immediately in the google search. Then this last Tuesday night he calls to tell me he is going to go to Cross Eyed Cricket for dinner, doesn't even invite me to see if I want to go (I ended up eating a burger from Steak & Shake). His sudden obsession with Miley Skankin Cyrus (my issue is that she is such trash, not really attractive and her music sucks.......... that is what is driving me crazy). And then last night he forgot to put his truck in park up on the hill (the top of our driveway), leaves in 2nd gear and it rolls down the hill...... not a big deal with most people but with HIM that is a huge deal because he doesn't normally do shit like that...... unless something is on his mind and has him extremely distracted. Then this morning, as he is leaving for the shop he tells me Bob Sisson is coming to the shop and he's taking him to lunch...... Friday is the shop lunch day, we go somewhere all 4 of us together, not to mention he and the boys went to Cross Eyed Cricket Tuesday night without inviting me (I am assuming the boys went). I get stuck going to Fazoli's, get back and Bob isn't here yet but Cameron heads on out so I assume he was meeting Bob somewhere........ though my gut (or paranoia) is telling me it's not Bob he is meeting, and even if he is meeting Bob it is most likely at Cross Eyed Cricket where there is this "hot" waitress working there that he drools over, which would be why he didn't invite me Tuesday night or any other time he has gone out at night. If I stay as late at the shop as he and the boys do, he would have me go and get them something rather than us go out. Also, I can't assume that the boys would tell him that he is wrong to be cheating, because I know their fucked up loyalty to each other no matter wrong or right and they would just keep their mouths quiet about it.
   Okay so going outside I guess Bob came to pick him up, because his truck is still here but still that doesn't make any difference and nobody saw who picked him up anyways. I just can't get this feeling out of my gut, I don't know if it's paranoia with the anxieties of waiting for the half marathon next Saturday, or if he really is up to something. It hurts though, to think about him having an affair... especially with all that is going on, our beautiful son, the business, our 10 year anniversary just a week ago, and not knowing what the future will hold for us, mankind and the Earth itself. With everything going on, I can't imagine why on Earth he would suddenly be having an affair, or just stalking someone or something.......... Is it just paranoia? Should I bring it up, or just leave it alone and keep chugging along?

My Husband's Weight Loss

  For the first time in maybe 4-5 years my husband is finally under 200 lbs thanks to working on the Chandler property, back in July when he started on it he weighed 217 lbs and as of this morning he weighs 199 lbs. I am so proud of him!
 Back in July he made the decision to buy the Chandler property off his brother for a few reasons; 1: because our son was born here, 2: Molly, my best friend of 13 years is buried here on the back of the property, and 2: he knew fixing up the property would help him lose weight.... $90,000 to lose weight is my joke to him. Back in July he started working on cutting trees down and cleaning the place up, he weighed 217 lbs, I'd say he worked a total of 20 days in July, August maybe 15 due to heat and humidity. Well he started back out there 3 days ago in a hurry to use the bucket truck to cut limbs and trees down so he could sell the bucket truck and wood chipper and get back his money. As of this morning he weighed himself at 199 lbs, I am so proud of him... part of me wishes he had become my running partner but I understand that running isn't his thing and he doesn't enjoy the usual workout routine so if breaking his back, sweating gallons of water and getting eaten alive by poison ivy is what helps him lose weight then I guess I am okay with that 

   Other than the threat of whatever our government is planning and the fate of the world and most importantly the fate of America in question, things have been going pretty well. Cameron is looking or scoping out boats, honestly as much as a part of me would like a good boat with a cabin and everything, I ain't in any hurry.
  Dorian is growing so fast, he is so beautiful and such an amazing little boy. He's into biting now, which I am sure I am going to have to start curbing immediately before it gets out of hand. He loves tossing the ball, or anything really and he has a new love of regular milk. My little guy hasn't been feeling to well these last couple of days, though today he is feeling a bit better and much happier.
  

Sometimes I Seriously Wonder

  I guess I am used to the slightly large house and property we have been renting from my brother-in-law since January of 2010, but the idea of moving into a smaller, even somewhat shabby house isn't very appealing to me. I don't care if we'd be buying it cash outright, I've got 4 cats and a dog and Cameron is wanting another dog in a year, the house we live in now is barely big enough to house these animals without stinking and they're not allowed downstairs, in the garage or the bedrooms really. I was also hoping that the next house would have a room that I could have some exercise equipment in, maybe a treadmill and I could hang my medals and bibs but all Cameron cares about is that it has a room or garage for their band shit AND whatever extra room in the house would immediately be the "recording room". Then it would be nice to have a house where we can keep the litter boxes out of sight, maybe a pantry where the laundry room is but none of that matters as long as he owns a house. If I comment or am reluctant about anything he is excited about, then I don't appreciate anything or I am not thinking ahead into the future and women just can't see the diamond in the dirt.......... no I am just thinking about all of it, now, past and future and about the animals and my son and myself as well. He also has plans of "helping" his other children buy their houses as well, which isn't so bad but Stephanie is never going to fix her life and he will always be throwing money down that pit.
  He then talks about how he can work on the house, remodel or add to it.......... and how putting more money in can bring up the value if he wanted to sell it later in the future, yeah there's been so many successful homeowner sales in the last couple of years. I just don't to be stuck in a house, area for the rest of who knows how long and not even like the place. I just don't like diving into an unknown, renting just feels easier and there really isn't any commitment to it. It's just nerve wracking to know I really don't have any say in this, it doesn't matter how I feel or think of a house that looks like crap or whatever, because it's cheap and that is all that matters to him. Sometimes being in this family really sucks, because situations like this just remind me that I am still pretty much an outsider with no real opinion or voice, but coincidentally married to the top dog...

So Far in My Life

  So far life has taken me on an amazing journey and it has gotten even better since Dorian has come into my life, granted I don't get as much sleep as I used to but his smiles and personality make up for it. My little angel is going to be a year old in just a little over a week, he has been walking since March 12 and is already trying to run which is just awesome. He will spend hours at home in the evening walking, and trying to run; if he falls down then he will get back up either by himself or using the couch or recliner to pull himself up and do it all over again. This little guy wants to walk, run and climb faster than his body is capable yet, and it has been an awesome experience watching him. I am going to miss this little guy so much when he's gone, I tear up just thinking about the little guy he used to be but isn't anymore and I miss it already. I love how he'll look up at me and smile, or want a kiss and then laugh, I love how his eyes shine with so much happiness and love. I hope and pray that I can keep him safe for as long as he depends on me, I hope I can build his character and assist him in growing to become a strong, kind-hearted man that knows right from wrong and isn't afraid to walk his own path and sometimes against the current of others. I love this little boy so much, a love I could never imagine before I first looked into his eyes.
   My first Half Marathon of 2013 is coming up just around the corner, actually I am pretty much on the same block as it now. The St. Louis Half Marathon is this Sunday, and I am so excited and a little nervous though not like I used to be. I feel like a Thoroughbred kicking at the starting gate, ready to run free and strong, and as fast as my legs will allow me and my heart desires. The last two Half Marathons had something going on, and the first that never happened was my most serious injury so far and it taught me a lot. The first Half was when I was 13 weeks pregnant and I had the ongoing sensation of needing to pee the whole race so I never really picked up the pace like I wanted and I made 5 bathroom stops along the way losing an overall 10 minutes on my time. The second Half last year I endured an injury to my groin or quad most likely due to starting up my training too soon after giving birth when my body still needed time to heal and recover. This year is different, I am more than ready for this race; I have trained hard and smart all Winter and this time it is going to be much different.
  

So far as of Today

  I am reminded how glad and thankful I am that Cameron told his mom she isn't going with us to St. Louis next week, she is having her sick and dizzy episodes everyday now so I know it would have been a complete disaster on the way up there and during the whole trip and I would have either missed my race or suffered miserable during it. 
  I am already getting supplies for Dorian's birthday party, it is going to be Nemo themed and awesome even though he most likely won't remember any of it except for when looking through the photos. I know he'll jump right into his cake, he won't even wait a minute to do it. Of course it is going to be one hell of a mess afterwards, so he will most likely be in just a diaper when it's time to eat his cake.
  Lord, I just about had heart attack a little bit ago. I had to run to the bathroom and Dorian was sitting in his high chair watching a movie, apparently he started crying and screaming  while Cameron was on the phone, so Alice (Cameron's mom) comes into my office and gets him out of his high chair. I come in and for a few seconds all I can see is that he isn't in high chair, he is crying and my first thought was he fell out. Once I saw that she barely had a hold of him in my chair, it didn't make me feel any better. She's been having her dizzy/sick episodes all day and she could have dropped him during the struggle, he could have struggled when she was getting him out of the high chair and caused her to drop him midway which could have broken his leg or arm. Of course Cameron didn't see it as a big deal, but thankfully nothing bad happened.

An Okay Weekend

  This weekend wasn't bad, I ran 6.2 miles in my new shoes and it wasn't bad except for my foot still hurts. Dorian has been walking all over the place today (well, in the living room) and at the roller rink during Ariana's birthday party. I really enjoyed myself on the rink in my inline skates, I miss rollerblading and I wonder if that would be a good alternative to running right now until the Half Marathon. My foot doesn't hurt at all during rollerblading, like it does when I run right now and I need to keep up the mileage.  
   Edited as of Monday: I did not go rollerblading today as I had a lot of things to do at work and Dorian was a huge distraction AND it was wet and snowing. The good news is my foot really didn't hurt at all during the day, except for minor soreness when I went to Sam's Club and was walking around. I'm contemplating an easy 5 mile run tomorrow evening just to see how things are feeling, but it will all depend on how my foot does throughout the day. I am hoping this is a good sign and that there wasn't any serious damage done to my foot, just some agitation and bruising that might be going away. I am also seriously thinking of buying another pair of the Asics Gel-GT2000, to have a total of four and maybe buying 3 more pairs 2-3 months from now just in case they stop making this model or try to improve on it. But I haven't really made up my mind yet, because of the amount of money I would be spending just this year in shoes, Cameron would freaking kill me.

Had a Close Call Yesterday

  After thinking about it and then discussing with Cameron, I decided that I am not running the Flying Pig Half in May. I don't feel comfortable going out of state with my son, and not being allowed to carry my gun. If it were just me going, then I wouldn't have a problem with it but I have my son's life in my hands and I just don't feel comfortable about it. I thought about finding another race in May, but I am not too worried about it as I think I might try and run 3 Half Marathons this Fall, one in October, one in November and one either one in September or one if December. I'd like to have 4 Half Marathons under my belt this year but I won't fret if it only ends up being 3 because that is still better than just one a year.
  Yesterday was a close call, I started talking to Cameron's mom (Alice, though I call her Nana) about Dorian being sick and how I am hoping that he gets over his cold before the trip to St. Louis. Ugh, my big mouth. She started complaining to Cameron how she would like to go with us, how she is never invited to anything. Cameron didn't say anything really and she went on about her business. A few hours later she comes in all excited, that she has an idea how she can go with us and not be in the way, her sister Lois would pick her up from the hotel and she would stay with her. Just a few problems:

1. She has been have serious sick episodes here a lot lately, and was beginning to have one yesterday and the day before.
2. She will start fights with Cameron, she acts like a brat sometimes and just isn't pleasant to be stuck with for a couple of hours in a vehicle
3. She could very well start a fight with Lois and end up at our hotel room.
4. She just invited herself.

First issue, as I told everyone else is if she were to get sick and force me to miss my race, I would never forgive her and I would never forget about it. I would drive everyone around crazy for months, even years or at least until the next race. That was all Cameron had to hear before he called her and told her no, she got all pissy and started pouting but he ignored it and told her that I've been training for 6 months for this race and it would be bullshit if I miss it because of one of her sick episodes. And even if she didn't have a sick episode, she could start a fight with Lois or something come up with Lois and we would be stuck with her, I would be miserable and my race would probably suffer from the stress. She would most likely act like a total brat about everything and make everyone miserable, and then get defensive when she felt attacked or picked on.

But thankfully my husband understands how I feel about my races and he saved the day, though I owe him big time now and it won't be very pleasant for me haha but I don't care. He saved me from what would have undoubtedly been a miserable weekend and race for me and everyone else. It sucks to feel this way about my mother-in-law (though everyone else around her likes the "quality time" to be limited as well), but she just isn't pleasant after an hour or so, she is pushy, bratty and loud mouthed about her opinions. The only reason my mom is coming is because she isn't any of that, and she helps to watch Dorian so I can sleep and rest. There would be absolutely no sleep whatsoever is Alice went with us, which would make for horrible race and weekend.

Having to Accept the Inevitable

  After today's horrible walk with Cameron, I have pretty much come to terms that I am going to have to accept the fact that he won't be apart of any activity or outdoor adventure Dorian and I will have. Granted, 3 miles is nothing to me even when walking it so I might have assumed that it wouldn't be a big deal for him. I was wrong, we didn't even reach 1 mile before he was pissed off and wanting to turn around, the old injury in his foot killing him. Then calling me a bitch, stupid, idiot and everything else for dragging him out there and thinking he would be able to do 3 miles uphills and shit. I did make a couple of mistakes:

1. Assuming he could handle 3 miles
2. Taking him on the route that has some pretty big and steep inclines
3. Kept pushing for 3 miles even when he said his calves and foot was killing him.
4. Asking him to join me on the walk

   Not anymore though, I am done asking him to join me on any of these outings. I have tried to help him, I have tried to advise him on ways to start getting into shape and beginning a healthier lifestyle and he has just ignored me. I could help his injury heal, I could slow down or plan certain days for him and me and Dorian to go for small walks starting with a mile BUT the problem is he rarely wants to do anything, if he isn't in his office chair at work then he is at home in his recliner watching a movie. And it doesn't help that his lazy sons and lazy fat ass daughter tell him that he is fine, that he isn't fat and all that bullshit. I am so fucking sick and tired of their bullshit, they aren't the ones married to him, they aren't having sex with him... I am! I had to hear the threats of divorce and insults when I was fat...ter, and I made changes for him, for me and prove him and everyone else wrong and that I could do it. But I should feel ashamed for feeling that he needs to lose weight, or start getting fit and healthy, or that I am really not turned on by him anymore. He's already weighing between 213-220 lbs, and between 30-38% of that is body fat while I am right around 26-27% body fat, why the fuck should I work my ass off to look good and be healthy while he just sits on his ass eating junk food and doing nothing?

  It's just bullshit, but there is nothing I can do without ruining or hurting my son's future or fighting for custody. I guess I could set up life insurance for when he kills over before Dorian even reaches 10, at least that way we'll be safe and sound because lord knows the business won't survive in Ethan's hands without Cameron there.

It's been 3 Months Since Molly

  Yesterday marked 3 months since Molly passed away, since I lost my best friend. I think about her everyday, remembering her at her best and worse. How she loved running through the woods and being free, her wild spirit that was strong even to the end of her life. No other dog is ever going to come close to her in comparison, no other dog is ever going to take her place.
  I went running on some trails at USI today, and I know she would have loved being out there in the woods. It is still so hard to believe that she is actually gone, she had been a huge part of my life for more than half my life and it is now so empty with her being gone. Dorian has helped a lot though, if he wasn't here I probably would have already done something really stupid and I know Molly knew that which is why she waited until he came into my life. I knew a couple of years ago that Molly wouldn't leave me until she knew there was something else in my life that would keep me here, and when I became pregnant with Dorian I knew her time was close. 
 I just wish I had treated her better in her last year, I wish I had been more patient and understanding of her slowing down. I am always going to wonder if she forgave me, and my heart will always hurt.

Today Kind of Sucked

  To start off a sucky morning, I didn't run my trail race due to exhaustion and my legs still not feeling up to it. I felt pretty crappy about that but I am telling myself it was a good decision not to. Tomorrow morning I hope to go for an easy 4 mile trail run at the USI trails, as long as my legs are feeling okay.
  Then to make the day worse, while giving Dorian a bath he decided to try and drown himself. Not exactly but as he still hasn't figured out that inhaling is not the same as drinking, that is what he did. I had the bathwater a little deeper than I should have, up to his belly button which gave him quicker access to leaning forward and drinking the bath water which he ended up inhaling before I could pull him back up to a sitting position for THIRD time, he started shaking and coughing and I started freaking out. I grabbed him up out of the water and started patting, slapping and thumping his back, I could have sworn he started to turn blue before he finally started breathing normal and stopped coughing. I was shaking then, we were all alone and I was so scared that my little boy was going to drown or suffocate, whatever you want to call it when they're no longer in the water but still dealing with the effects. Luckily he was fine, but from now on the bathwater will be no more than maybe 2-3 inches deep.
  Other than that, things have been okay today. Dorian seems to have issues with getting his diaper changed especially on his back (pretty much the ONLY way to do it), so that is usually a fight, especially if he's got a poopy diaper. I cannot wait until he is potty trained and using a toilet, or until he can understand words and maybe understand when I say no or knock it off.

My Future Goals and what I have already Accomplished

  Sitting here pretty much doing nothing at work, I was just thinking about my goals and list of things to do in my life. I have a wonderful, more than perfect son and a great life and a great husband. My son is beautiful, he is amazing and more than I could have ever imagined or wanted, I still have no idea how I managed to be happy before he existed. Working here at the shop and being able to have him with me, being able to run and do races just makes me feel great. I don't know if I would be able to function at work if he was somewhere else being cared for by someone else.
  So far I have ran 2 Half Marathons and a lot of smaller races, and this year I will be running in possibly 5 Half Marathons along with a few smaller races. 
There isn't really anymore that I can do, I don't know how far Cameron would be willing to travel and there isn't a lot around here. And unfortunately a lot of them are close together on dates but far apart on distance, I am kind of regretting having signed up for the Flying Pig Half Marathon in Ohio, when I should have signed up for the One America 500 Half Marathon instead, up in Indianapolis. I can do that one next year though, other than earning myself 4-5 more finisher's medals this year I really want to increase my weekly mileage to 30-35 by the end of the year without any injuries. 
 It is going to be really hard though, because I will most likely need to add an extra day around November right after the Indy Monumental Half, probably hill or speed work on a treadmill. I am tempted to do it this summer with a couple months between my Half Marathons, but I am not sure if that would be a good idea.

February Almost Over

 This month has gone by so fast, my first race of the year and my little boy's second tooth coming in. He is standing on his own more and more, though for a small amount of time each. It is hard to believe that he is going to be 1 year old in less than 2 months, I am still amazed that almost 12 months have already passed by. He is such an amazing little boy, his personality, his always being in a good mood, just everything about him is amazing. I am excited to keep watching him grow but I already miss him being so little, looking at pictures and videos of him makes my heart melt. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
 Business is doing okay, though I'd like to stay cautious as you never know what could happen the very next day. Taxes are coming up, I've got get our Personals together for Marilyn soon, before February is over with.
 I had originally planned on 4 Half Marathons this year, but I might end up with 5 instead, 2 in October. Now, my Half Marathon race schedule might look like this:
April 7, 2013 - Go! St. Louis Half Marathon
May 5, 2013 - Cincinnati Flying Pig Half Marathon
(maybe) October 6, 2013 - Evansville Half Marathon
October 19, 2013 - 18th Annual Indianapolis Half Marathon
November 2, 2013 - Indianapolis Monumental Half Marathon

Evansville Half Marathon is a maybe only because I don't yet know the exact date, it could either be October 6 or October 13. If it is October 6 then I will register for it as that would give me 2 weeks between the two Half Marathons,  but if it is on October 13, then I won't because that would give me barely a week between and I don't want to test my endurance and stamina like that. Plus the Monumental Half will be 2 weeks after the Annual Indy Half, which means we will be going back up to Indy two weeks after being up there and I know Cameron won't be too thrilled about it. I would really like him to go to all of them, because even though my mom is going to most of them I don't feel that Dorian will be safe enough with her. I would feel better if Cameron was there and watching his son.

Need to Rant

   I have to admit that I am not a health freak, I don't stick 100% to any health guidelines without falling off the wagon occasionally. I try to eat healthy, I try to exercise and live a healthy, active life for myself but most of all to set an example for my son. I have to honestly ask why bother when his husband is 100% the complete opposite, and has no problem encouraging our son to do the same, and he is setting a bad example? 
  My niece and nephew are fast food junkies, and my husband's oldest (adopted) daughter's kids are fast food junkies, they will almost never eat good, wholesome food, or even food cooked at home unless it is pizza, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, chicken nuggets/wings, or anything else that isn't very healthy. I hate it and I really do not want my son growing up like that, all I hear from those kids is "I want McDonald's, I want Hardees, I want blah blah blah", never anything like Subway or a home cooked meal.
 Cameron is constantly snacking and eating while watching movies, he isn't active and he won't go on walks with me ever, granted it is cold and I don't take Dorian for walks right now but even when it is warm weather he will not go. He insists that this is his relaxation when he isn't at work, even though he is sitting in a chair at work all day in front of a computer. I am so sick of this, I want to set an example for my son, a healthy example and help ensure that he doesn't have to deal with obesity or unhealthy eating habits as much as possible, but no matter how many steps I take forward, I feel myself thrown a hundred steps back thanks to Cameron.
 I know Dorian is only about 10 months old, that he is still growing and that things can't be for certain yet but I am seriously concerned and angry that Cameron doesn't give a crap about it. Cameron eats fast food for lunch, he is constantly drinking soft drinks and never anything else, I don't buy soft drinks at home but he brings them from work. He eats those nasty beef sticks and is always eating chips and popcorn, and is already giving Dorian pieces of popcorn, I know he will be giving him pieces of beef sticks, chips and everything else once Dorian can chew and swallow and has all his teeth. This just infuriates me!!!!

Cannot Get off This Weight Plateau

  Around October right at the Half Marathon I was weighing about 140-141 lbs and was excited thinking that soon I would be breaking below 140. Unfortunately after the Half Marathon I had to slow my running back down, and then came the holidays and all the eating. Since December I have been stuck at around 143-144 lbs and I can't seem to shake the 3 lbs, it is driving me crazy. I look in the mirror and I don't really notice any difference to October but the scale says so. I have been on this salad diet now for about 2 weeks, trying to stick to under 1,700 calories unless I run then I will aim for 1,900 calories. I was really hoping to be around 134 lbs by the time the St. Louis Half in April but it doesn't look like it is going to happen. Oh well.

Crappy News Today

  While on the phone with my mom, talking about a few things and her watching Dorian tomorrow and Friday she told me that she was going to start Zumba classes next week. Good for her, except that sucks for me. Those classes are on Tuesdays and Thursdays, two of the days that I run during the week. Basically the only days she will be watching him now are Fridays and maybe Sundays during my long run (if that one at all). It sucks, I hate feeling a little mad at her for doing this but I know she wants to get into something to get healthy and I am happy for her, but now this completely screws me up. I only really have her or Cameron to watch him, and Cameron is busy like everyday except for maybe the weekend. If I wait until Cameron gets home on those nights, it will be 10-11 p.m before I even get my run in and I don't want to run that late all the time and on the same route. If I was to try and get out and run around 5:30 a.m after getting Dorian back to sleep, he could wake up and then wake Cameron up who would be extremely pissed off at me. The more and more I think about it, but more angry I get. I don't trust other people and I really don't feel comfortable looking for a babysitter.... I am very picky of who influences my son,and he is becoming very needy and attached to me here lately.
    I think I might have to end up buying a treadmill, Ethan should be moving out soon, hopefully before Spring so then I could have the treadmill in his old room. My grandma has a treadmill (I think), maybe I could go there with Dorian and she could watch him while I run........... but he would have to start getting used to her because I don't know how well he would do. 

There Might be a Chance!

  I purchased these super absorbent diapers for Dorian, there supposed to be for night time sleep. Last night he fell asleep at 7, but I decided to wake him up around 9 so I could run to the store and get bacon for breakfast. He had his last feeding at almost midnight, I then put an absorbent diaper on him and he eventually fell asleep around 12:30. Other than me waking up to go to the restroom around whatever time, he didn't wake up. I woke him up at 7 a.m, fed him and then he went back to sleep. It is now 8:26 a.m and he is still asleep, and it has me really excited. I think that if this isn't just a coincidence and the diapers are what help, I might be able to actually go to the gym in the morning!

So Much Going on in 2013

  It is hard to be able to sit back and watch my son grow when the threat of a dictatorship is looming over my country, the thought of something happening to my son has me in such a state of fear I sometimes can't sleep. I try to enjoy every moment with him, I try to enjoy watching his personality begin to shine through while also looking back on the last 9 months. It is hard to be 100% happy when everything could be taken away from us in an instant, all because of greed for power and control.
  On another note, I also have 4 half marathons this year along with smaller races so I am trying to think about them too. My mileage is climbing but my weight is either sticking around 143 and I can also see my gut/stomach sticking out. It is aggravating to not be losing weight, and not know what to do to get off this plateau that I have been stuck on. 
  The business is doing really well right now, mainly because people are worried about Obama's gun ban that is coming up, I am so sick of this pompous baboon people call our president but I am honestly sick of the government period. Why could I have lived during one of our first 20 presidents???