Sunday, March 10, 2013

Having to Accept the Inevitable

  After today's horrible walk with Cameron, I have pretty much come to terms that I am going to have to accept the fact that he won't be apart of any activity or outdoor adventure Dorian and I will have. Granted, 3 miles is nothing to me even when walking it so I might have assumed that it wouldn't be a big deal for him. I was wrong, we didn't even reach 1 mile before he was pissed off and wanting to turn around, the old injury in his foot killing him. Then calling me a bitch, stupid, idiot and everything else for dragging him out there and thinking he would be able to do 3 miles uphills and shit. I did make a couple of mistakes:

  1. Assuming he could handle 3 miles
  2. Taking him on the route that has some pretty big and steep inclines
  3. Kept pushing for 3 miles even when he said his calves and foot was killing him.
  4. Asking him to join me on the walk
   Not anymore though, I am done asking him to join me on any of these outings. I have tried to help him, I have tried to advise him on ways to start getting into shape and beginning a healthier lifestyle and he has just ignored me. I could help his injury heal, I could slow down or plan certain days for him and me and Dorian to go for small walks starting with a mile BUT the problem is he rarely wants to do anything, if he isn't in his office chair at work then he is at home in his recliner watching a movie. And it doesn't help that his lazy sons and lazy fat ass daughter tell him that he is fine, that he isn't fat and all that bullshit. I am so fucking sick and tired of their bullshit, they aren't the ones married to him, they aren't having sex with him... I am! I had to hear the threats of divorce and insults when I was fat...ter, and I made changes for him, for me and prove him and everyone else wrong and that I could do it. But I should feel ashamed for feeling that he needs to lose weight, or start getting fit and healthy, or that I am really not turned on by him anymore. He's already weighing between 213-220 lbs, and between 30-38% of that is body fat while I am right around 26-27% body fat, why the fuck should I work my ass off to look good and be healthy while he just sits on his ass eating junk food and doing nothing?
  It's just bullshit, but there is nothing I can do without ruining or hurting my son's future or fighting for custody. I guess I could set up life insurance for when he kills over before Dorian even reaches 10, at least that way we'll be safe and sound because lord knows the business won't survive in Ethan's hands without Cameron there.

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