Fighting That Demons Once More

   Last weekend, my husband decided that in order to boost Chaos sales we needed to have a sexy girl model the Chaos AK47 Titan Quad Rail and become the "Chaos" Girl. When he spoke those words, it immediately tore through me - not so much for the fact but because by not saying it he told me I wasn't and will never be good enough to be the "Chaos" girl or to model off his gun products. From that point on, all his words meant nothing - all his "you're so sexy, you turn me on", "blah blah blah blah blah" is all I hear now. Since then, the demons I had buried a while back and had to fight with during pregnancy and subdue them after pregnancy, those demons are back and stronger than ever. I try to ignore them, I try to just get out and run or do hard work outs that hurt like hell and cause me to be sore the next couple of days - but nothing helps shut them out. I am the photographer who gets to do the shooting session, and I get to work with the model but that only reminds me that I will forever have to face the fact that I am not good enough and will never be good enough, every time I'll see her face, her body on the website and facebook page, every time I'll have to hear him talk to others about her and gloat about how sexy she is - I will be reminded of how I am not, I am nowhere close to her league and never will be. I will never be skinny enough, never have the breasts (no breasts at all actually), I will never be as stunningly beautiful and sexy as she or any other woman in her league. I will have to face these demons every fucking, god damn day after the shoot and the photos are finished and ready to be put up. And knowing that he will use her image and body to pleasure himself and get off makes it so much worse to deal with, because she will have been in the shop and around him. Not some make believe chick from a movie or porn but a real woman, a young woman that lives here in Evansville and can be reached anytime he desires. This isn't like my celebrity crushes of men I will never meet or will NEVER be interested in me, but real and within his reach. That truth, that knowledge makes this pill almost impossible to swallow, and I honestly don't know if I will be able to. I cannot talk to him about it, he'll yell at me about my insecurities and get really shitty with me. I have to pretty much keep it inside of me.