Moving???

  There was a time, more than a year ago that I would have been excited with the idea of moving out of Evansville, and possibly Indiana. Up until recently I always felt like something was missing, a part of me left unsatisfied. But then I found the YMCA running group, a new love for running and competing in races here in the Evansville area. And now Dorian, with Dorian I feel complete and the idea of living my life out here in the Southern part of Indiana doesn't sound too bad really.
  Unfortunately Cameron has found what seems to be a once in a lifetime on this huge building........ in Illinois near Terra Haute, an hour and a half away from Evansville. There was a time in my life that this would have been exciting news to hear, moving at of this area and somewhere else......... but 1: It is still in Indiana, 2: Now that Dorian is here, I don't really want to move from everyone, 3: I've made a lot of friends here in this area with the running, 4: I don't know.
  Part of me is excited, interested and intrigued but most of me is nervous and reluctant. But as Cameron is always ready to point out; my feelings don't matter if they don't agree with his. I don't know if I would have felt this way 2 years ago, or if I would have been excited or not..... Last night he said it was very unlikely that he would get this building, but today he talked to one of the guys who own it and seems to be in a better mood than before. He has headed up there today for the guy to give him a walk through, and probably be up there until this evening. I will most likely have to take Dorian either with my on the run depending on the temperature around 6 or have mom watch him, not sure yet what I am going to do.
  I just don't know how to feel....... he mentioned how I can come down and visit with my family on the weekends, and the move probably wouldn't happen for another 4-6 months anyways but still.... my sister and I have just begun running together and training for the Half this October which I am sure I won't lose any of my training days during this and I will still be able to run the Half but what about next year and the following? I have a running partner now, the running partner I have been wanting for over 10 years... now all this is happening :( I mean Cameron did try mentioning that the town that this building was in had people running everywhere, young people, older people, seniors just running everywhere he looked......... I guess I just thought I would be excited if and when this day came :'( but I am not.

Great to Know I can Always Count on Him....Not

  I'd be fucked if I was in serious trouble trying to call my fucking husband, because he is so good at rejecting and ignoring my calls. What is even more fucked up is he'll claim that they never came through while I know from doing it myself that when it rings a couple times and goes straight to voice mail, that is because the receiver has rejected the phone call and sent it there. I am almost tempted to just have mom watch Dorian during my runs, while she is watching Caleb and Skyler (I was uneasy about it because Caleb can be violent) because I don't want to give Cameron something to hang over me during arguments as if he really does so much for me. I am done with it, I don't want anymore of his help, if he wants to hold the baby it has to be because he wants to hold Dorian not because he wants to help me out. His half ass bullshit has him thinking he does so much, and then he goes and claims I had 3 weeks off???? What 3 weeks, 1: I just had a baby and was trying to learn and figure things out (still am), 2: out of those 3 weeks I probably stayed home only a week and a half while coming in to the shop and dealing with bullshit, 3: I didn't sit on my ass and do nothing and 4: after the 3 weeks I came in and had to clean up and fix Stephanie's mess and fuck ups and I am still doing all that! But does he go and blame her, or reprimand her somehow..... no not at all! I get fucking yelled at, screamed at, threatened and made to feel like a total failure!
  I failed at breastfeeding, and have been struggling to pump for 3 weeks now which I will probably fail at that very shortly as my milk supply isn't catching up, he has to eat every 3-4 hours and by the time 3 or 4 hours rolls around my breasts are still almost empty. I am a failure, the house looks and smells like shit, my baby cries and hasn't even really smiled at me yet while smiling to everyone else because I am such a horrible fucking mother, a worthless human being! I don't know what to do, I have nobody to talk to because nobody will actually listen to me, I can tell when shit goes in one ear and out the other and then they just repeat "it's fine, get over it, blah blah blah". I honestly don't know how much more I can take before doing something seriously stupid, and that makes me feel even more like shit.
  I was hoping the running would help soothe my sanity, but I am pretty sure it isn't as I am just expecting to fail at the training as well.

Trying to Deal with my Insecurities

  I kind of knew this would happen, after giving birth I would have a while before my body would tone down but damn it this is extremely difficult to deal with. It took me 1 and a half year to tone and slim down my thighs to a point I can feel comfortable with and wear my short shorts without feeling like shit, and it took me a year to get my stomach tone and tight enough for me to actually feel happy with. 90% of this came from going to the gym for one hour, 5 days a week for 4 months of strength training to lose 25 lbs, and then the running and training that burned off the fat. I am not able to go to the gym now, and I don't know what good the Half Marathon training this summer will do now.......... I miss this body

My thighs weren't yet perfect but I was feeling pretty satisfied with where my body was going, and I wonder when and if I will ever see this again.......... or at least within the next 5 years.

Updates on Dorian

 For a little over a week I have been working with Dorian on sleeping in his bassinet by himself, not so much trying to get him out of our bed but ensuring that he can sleep while I go for my morning runs on Saturday since Cameron can't exactly be awake and conscious between 6:30 a.m and 8:00 a.m. This morning after feeding him and putting him in the bassinet in the living, I rolled the bassinet/co-sleeper into the bedroom and got into bed and slept on my stomach for 2 and a half hours while he slept calmly by himself in his bassinet which was a huge improvement as normally he somehow knows when I put the bassinet in the bedroom. Only issue....... he slept on his tummy which is the only way that he will sleep, my mother keeps hassling me not to but he just won't sleep on his back, he feels a lot safer on his tummy. Maybe in a couple months he'll be able to but he is getting better and better at controlling his head and neck and doing mini pushups as they call it.
  Yesterday morning I took him for our 1.25 mile training run and he did really good, but next Saturday will be 1.75 miles, then the following will be 2 miles and the temps seem like they are going to stay above 80 and the humidity making it feel like 100 and I just don't want him out in that heat for long than 10 or 15 minutes.  It will be great when I can trust to leave him in his bassinet sleeping while I go for my long runs.
   Other than that, for a week Dorian has been working on smiling, and laughing while also working on his mouth movements trying to imitate our talking. He is really lifting his head and looking around now constantly, his head is getting steadier and not so wobbly but he still has some work to do which of course he will accomplish in no time.

Feeling like a Failure

  So far Dorian has given my mom, Cameron, Steph and Nana huge smiles and grins since starting to smile last Saturday...but not me and I can't help but feel like a failure, like a bad mother because I have to let him cry sometimes when driving, pumping or getting dressed, while everyone else gets to be the good time charlies and hold him and cuddle him. He sees me as the bad guy because I am always there when he is crying and nobody is comforting him.
  It is seriously making me feel more and more like shit, along with fucking up at work and not having things under control, not always answering the phone to customers and then they call Cameron and he goes off on me and I just can't take it anymore. Sometimes I feel the only thing that will save me, or make my day so much better would be to see him smile at me, but nothing for me.
  And it only gets better with me feeling like shit about myself, my fat ass, fat thighs, flabby lats, flabby stomach, barely anything is going good except for the training runs but so far we haven't hit 2 miles so we will see, I will probably fail at this too. I will probably get another injury because I didn't keep up on my running through winter, I won't be able to get used to this hot weather because I am having to wear a shirt due to my flabby stomach.
  I don't know, I guess I am just exhausted and feeling extremely stressed and things are just getting over my head, this week I thought I was finally getting things under control or finding my groove with the office, with Dorian, home and my training, but today just turns it all to shit.

Figuring Up my Fitness Plan

   Yesterday was the first day of Jump Start, we ran a mile; my sister and I kept ran at 10:03 pace which wasn't bad as I was close to that last year at 134 lbs and right now I am at 150 lbs which is a little depressing but I am not going to try to lose weight as I am breast feeding and I need to worry about Dorian. My eating habits aren't bad, more like grazing throughout the day except for my subway sandwich which I might start having it without the light mayo and the bacon, but then the spinach doesn't taste as great so I don't know. Probably my worst food is the Cinnamon Raisin bread that I should probably avoid though it is my only sweet snack. My weekly plan is:
    Monday - Strength Training / 2 Mile walk with Mother and Sister/s
    Tuesday - Run with Jump Start / Plank Position (trying to get to 2 minutes at one time, or doing 3 1 minute holds throughout the day)
    Wednesday - Strength Training / 2 Mile walk with Mother and Sister/s
    Thursday - Run with Jump Start / Plank Position (trying to get to 2 minutes at one time, or doing 3 1 minute holds throughout the day)
    Friday - Strength Training / 2 Mile Walk with Mother and Sister/s
    Saturday - Run sometime with Sister (do the mileage that Jump Start would be doing) / Plank Position
    Sunday - Walk
All while keeping around a 2400 calorie diet which seems to be more difficult than I though, but I am still producing milk so that is a good sign. I will weigh myself in 2 weeks and see where I am at, on the day of Dorian's birth I weighed 162 - 164 lbs and right now I weigh 150 lbs and want to be back at 134 lbs at least by the time I run the Half Marathon in October so we will see.

A Crazy but Okay Week

   This week started out pretty crappy or so it seems, I figured the whole week was going to be shitty. Thankfully it began looking up, Dorian is doing a whole lot better, today I tried for a 1 mile run while pushing Dorian and it went really well except that I leaked all over myself. That was probably the only issue with the run, I am going to have to wear a pad during the training runs otherwise it is going to be extremely uncomfortable.
    Dorian turns 5 weeks tomorrow, a month has already gone by and I can't believe it, it doesn't feel like a month since I gave birth to this little angel.
   (Continued 05/18/12) It seems I might have to pump more often and feed Dorian by bottle, while still working with him on latching, the nipple shield seems to give him too much milk to quick and that might be causing him gas pains. But I will have to use a colic reducing bottle because even regular bottles seem to upset stomach and gas pains. I am definitely feeling sore from the 1 mile run followed by 2 mile walk yesterday, it feels good to feel sore again but my hips aren't pleased with it.

One Month and 3 Days

The last few days have been really tough for Dorian, he has been having a lot of stomach pains and has been hardly sleeping at night and during the days. It really hurts to hear him scream and cry in pain, so I called the doctor's office for an appointment, the nurse advised that I might be feeding Dorian too often and causing him upset stomach. My supply has picked up, so I think every 2 hours is a bit much for him, he can easily sleep from 9:30 p.m to 2:00 a.m or 3 a.m without waking to feed. I think we'll try for every 3 to 4 hours between feedings and see what happens, I will also use a colic reducing bottle when I pump and feed him in between breast feedings.
  Other than those little problems, Dorian reached 9 lbs Monday night, by May 3rd he had grown 2 inches since birth. I love my little angel, he is definitely a gift from god and I will never forget it. Things do get stressful, sometimes I really want to scream, wishing time would slow down and everything else (work,cleaning) would just disappear so I could just focus on Dorian. I try to keep myself calm though, I know Dorian can sense it and I don't want him to question his security and trust in me.
  Jumpstart begins next week, I am excited but a little nervous at the thought of leaving Dorian at the shop with Cameron and the boys, it wouldn't be bad if it was at the house as Cameron has watched him at the house while I've gone to the store, but the shop is huge difference and so I am a bit nervous. 

Getting Back to Work

  This week I've started back at the shop, just half days but it still feels like so much and it can get overwhelming very quickly. What is even more frustrating is that I wish people would just leave him alone when we are in the office, we freaking come in here and he finally begins to calm down and relax in his swing/bouncer when Cameron's mom gets here and wants to hold him. I just want to be able to come in here, get work done and be able to keep an eye on him without people bothering us. It is so aggravating, I just want to go back home damn it. Honestly, I think I am just overwhelmed and over-stimulated, it is going to take some getting used to all this and work. It is definitely going to take a few weeks to get used to this and get some sort of schedule going.
   I am so glad I am only doing half days for the next couple of months though, this would just drive me insane if I had to work from 8 a.m to 5 p.m.

3 Weeks and a Day Post Pregnancy

  Dorian is 3 weeks and one day old today, yesterday he went in for his circumcision and is still trying to recover. Cameron took today off, so we've just been hanging out watching movies. I got the chance to take some post pregnancy photos, I took photos last week BUT the camera wasn't focused. I've also got some more photos of my little boy.

These photos of me below are today at 22 Days post pregnancy

This one was June 2011, so I definitely have a lot of work to do.

I plan to weigh myself tomorrow morning, but so far I've lost about 15 lbs since delivery. I definitely have a lot of toning to do but that shouldn't be too much of an issue once Jumpstart begins in about 2 weeks.