Probably my 5th or 6th bout of serious depression now, and this one I just don't know if I can handle it at all. I am almost to the point of begrudging my unborn son since he hasn't come and probably won't come until after April 12 if not 2 weeks late. I am beginning to lose hope that he will come before April 12, I am beginning to lose my excitement and just feel "bleh" about the whole thing. I don't want to feel this way, but my escape has always been working out and working out hard. Anytime I would begin to feel insecure or feel the desire to "punish" myself by cutting myself, I would just go in my room and "punish" my abs for 25 to 30 minutes doing strenuous core workouts until I could feel the burn and soreness. Now........ there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, just deal with knowing that I am fat and unattractive.
I have just become so obsessed with working out in the past year and a half, and then all of a sudden I come up pregnant. For the first 13 weeks I was able to train hard for my Half Marathon and that helped kept my sanity. After that, I did my best to keep up my running and working out but so many things would screw up my schedule. I have kept up a lot of walking though, and my plank position but it just isn't enough. My body craves the punishment of a good, hard workout, working out has been my stress release and now I can't do it enough to get that high. I just don't know how much more I can take of this, and it makes me feel like shit for wanting my baby out right now just so I can get back to saving my sanity.
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