Sunday - Day 16 with Dorian, my New Chapter

   Last Tuesday when I started back on my walking, first time since the Thursday before April 13 (Dorian's birthday). I took Molly with us, we only did about 1.2 miles. Thursday we tried for a walk, but strangely Dorian wasn't happy and we turned around. Friday seemed better (I think it could have something to do with Thursday I had Dorian in a onesie and the car seat straps were rubbing against his legs, Tuesday he was in a sleeper outfit and Friday as well). Friday we did 2.1 miles and this time I did a bit of running, but not much. Saturday we did another 2.1 miles (Molly didn't go as it was too warm) and I ran a little. This afternoon Dorian and I went to the Evansville river front, and walked 2.5 miles (I brought a bottle of breast milk with me just in case), this time I wore my shorts. I didn't run any, the last time I wore those shorts was in September and I've forgotten how long it took me to get used to feeling like my butt cheeks are showing. There were quite a few people down there, so I didn't run but hopefully I will start getting used to the feeling again (soon).
  These first 2 weeks have been hectic, but things are beginning to calm down some, I am slowly learning to work with Dorian's schedule to get the best out of our day together, cuddle time, feedings, changings and exercise in between. I will say one thing, I never knew a newborn who could pee past his diaper and wet his clothing lol.  

Day 15 with My New Life

   Today wasn't too eventful, Dorian and I pretty much slept in until 11 a.m this morning as we didn't quite to go sleep until around 2 a.m. Around 1 p.m Dorian and I went for a 2 mile walk down at the river in Newburgh, I did a little more running again. I have gotten so used to wearing these dang yoga sweats that I had totally forgotten about the temperature, 80 degrees is bloody hot and I really regretted the sweat pants. If we are able to go tomorrow, I will definitely be wearing my shorts. I had put them on after we got back, my buttcheeks almost show but not quite and I will say I don't look too awful in them. I am down to 148ish lbs, not really TRYING to lose weight right now as they say toxins released from the fat can get into the breastmilk, but they don't really go into detail what it can do to the baby. They say breastfeeding mothers shouldn't really try to lose weight until after the first 2 months, but most of the weight (ten lbs) was lost within days of delivery and my stomach is now just about back to normal though my obliques need to be narrowed still. Again, no hurry here but just doing plank positions, different sets of crunches and getting back into walking and running. Dorian is boss though, if he isn't in the mood to sit in the carseat for a 40 minute walk/run then we don't go. I try to time it right after I feed him as he feeds every 2 hours unless going through a growth spurt which then he can easily feed about every hour and be going through a diaper an hour. I love him so much, I still don't know whether to nickname him Squirt, WiggleButt or Monkey. I will be posting photos of myself, documenting my body when I get a chance to and documenting his growth as well though I am not in a huge hurry to do anything other than cuddle with him.

   This week has gone pretty good; it has been a little tough these last 2 weeks being a first time mother and all, but overall it has been good. We went for a walk Tuesday, only 1.2 miles and then this morning we went for a 2.1 mile walk and I jogged a little bit just to see how it would go. It actually went pretty damn good, I am looking forward to running a little more. It feels good to be lighter than 160 lbs, though I think I am only about 10 or 15 lbs lighter. I am ready to get back to running, but not really in a huge hurry as I am still not comfortable leaving Dorian with others for any real length of time. Unfortunately this weekend is supposed to be a little rainy, but with a few breaks in between so hopefully I can catch it and get a good walk with a bit of running in.
   I am still kind of working on getting a doctor for Dorian, I want to make damn that whatever doctor I choose will cooperate with me, especially with delaying the vaccines and spreading them out. I am talking with Tracey who was my midwife's assistant and the birth, she had twins at home and her doctor works with her on spreading and delaying vaccines which I am hoping he might take Dorian on as a patient or at least know someone. 

Ten Day Forecast

   Dorian is 10 days old today, things have been a little hectic but being my first baby and the early days of his life it is completely understandable and I don't mind at all. The weather has been a little chilly and is going to be pretty cool this week, but I want to start walking again while making sure Dorian is comfortable and warm. Part of me wants to get back to running real bad, but honestly I could care less right now, Dorian is my world and running can wait  until Jumpstart begins on May 21 or 24. There are 3 things in my world that mean more to me than my own life, Molly came to me in '99 and has been my shadow since, then Cameron who came into my life in 2002, and now my greatest miracle and the center of my world; Dorian has come into my life this year. I wondered during pregnancy how much I would love him, I had imagined him for almost 2 decades, dreaming and fantasizing his image, his personality and his father. Dorian is so much more than I ever imagined, he is so beautiful and I would do anything for him.
    I have slowly begun my ab workouts last night, slowly and carefully but focusing more on my core right now. I am not in any real big hurry, not as hell bent as I used to be with Dorian here. My health and fitness is a priority but not above Dorian, and I have already gotten down to my 5 month body, though my abs are a little "flabby" and exhausted still from the stretching which I hope with some walking and plank position and a few other ab workouts will change that. I am doing my best to keep up on calories, it has been difficult to get up around 2400-2700 calories, especially with Dorian hitting these sudden growth spurts and ravenous feedings. I can hardly keep up with him, my b**bs are probably thinking "oh my god!! Give us a break!!" lol but Gina says that my supply will pick up speed so I am trying not to worry.
     Cameron wanted to take me to the movies last Friday, to give me a break while my mom watch Dorian, but I told him even though I really appreciated it I just don't feel comfortable leaving him for even a couple hours yet. The Godsmack concert is May 6th, and around 3 or 4 hours long, I am still not comfortable with it but more comfortable with him being close to a month old than right now and especially while still working  on the breastfeeding which he is doing really well with though I do sometimes pump so that I have a bottle late at night to give my br**sts a break. He is so adorable!

 9 Days Old

 8 Days old

I Think my Water Broke....or is Breaking

  This morning (7:30 a.m) as I was getting ready to get in the shower after using the restroom, I felt myself leak...... like my bladder wasn't done so I thought "oh yay" now I am losing complete control over my bladder. Except it has not stopped leaking, and it is now 9:48 a.m, at 8:30 a.m DH felt frisky and so yeah, but he didn't pull out as we were hoping it would get things going...... normally you'll start leaking the sperm out after a few seconds to a minute, but I got out of bed and there it was on the bed. Didn't even have a chance to stay inside lol, and there was so much liquid on the bed. I am still leaking, it isn't gushing but just a gradual leak. I am having to wear a pad right now, it just won't stop. I called the midwife and she said that if I don't go into full active labor this morning, she wants to meet me at 3 p.m to check and make sure that my water did in fact break.
    Now it is just a waiting game, should I just chill and relax.... or bounce a little on my stability ball? This last Tuesday I was still at 3 centimeters, LO was VERY LOW and has probably dropped even more since, I have been feeling tightening, cramps, pressure, and last night I think I had a couple real contractions and some this morning but still not sure.... I honestly don't know when I will know 100% that these contractions are active labor  
     Excited, nervous, anxious, this waiting game is a pain

Today is the so called "Due Date"..........

   So this date has rolled around, and Dorian is still inside. As I have been measuring a week behind this "schedule", I came to grips with reality about 2 weeks ago that there was a good chance I wouldn't go into labor before April 12th. It is still frustrating, not knowing when or if I am doing something wrong that is causing Dorian to stay inside or my body not to go into full labor. Dorian is so low right now, and I have been at 3 centimeters for a week that we know of, so it is really aggravating because I want to keep hiking and walking but I do not want to get caught away from home or the Tahoe and in labor, as my mom says that it could quite possibly be a fast labor. Her last child, my little brother was so low that 1: she didn't know she was in labor, went to the doctor because she was feeling good, 2: doctor told her that she was 90% effaced and he couldn't believe she was able to hold him in, as low as he was, 3: it wasn't a long labor at all. None of her 4 births were long really, the 1st one was only 12 hours because they tried to keep my sister in and stop the labor as she was about 5 weeks early.
   As much as I hate to say it, it might be a smart thing to start relaxing a little more now. Maybe a 10-15 minute walk here or there, I have been going and going throughout the whole pregnancy and being that I am planning a home birth without any medication, I need all the energy I have.

Tomorrow is Due Date.... Baby Still Inside

  Well, tomorrow is the "Due Date", and baby Dorian is still baking. Last Thursday's appointment Gina examined me and found me to be 3 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced. Yesterday's appointment I was still about 3 centimeters but she said that Dorian has dropped even more since last Thursday. It seems he is completely content with dropping, my mom says it might be a quick birth as low as he is (very, very, very low) and if he is pressing on my cervix more and more, then that will help thin it out (effacing). Yesterday I hiked for 35 minutes (I think), 2.24 miles and avoiding any running just in case this birth is quick. Today I think I am going to hike again, and run a little, hoping that it might put enough pressure on him to either get the labor going or cause more dilation. I will keep my hike on the smaller loop trail that will keep me within 5 minutes of my Tahoe just in case. My mom said that my little brother was so low that her doctor was surprised she was able to keep him in, he had put so much pressure that she was 90% effaced, she went in not feeling good and didn't even know she was in labor until the doctor told her so. Gina asked if I wanted her to strip my membranes yesterday, but I declined.... although I want him to come, I want him to come on his own.... but if he isn't born before next Tuesday's appointment then I am going to have her strip the membranes.
    I can definitely say that everything is getting very uncomfortable now, except for walking and running, I can't hardly sleep because every position hurts, I can't hardly sit because it hurts. When I sit down too low, it feels like I've shoved something back up inside of me... and it hurts. The only thing saving my sanity is hiking, with a little running involved... otherwise I think I would literally lose my mind.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   I do not want to get all excited yet, but at my appointment Gina measured me between 2-3 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced!!! All this walking, running, bouncing, squats and whatnots seem to be working somehow. I am excited and nervous at the same time, the moment is drawing ever closer and I keep telling myself not to think about it. There isn't anything I can do, the baby's got to come out one way or another and neither is going to happen without some form of pain so I just got to suck it up and take it as it comes. I wish I could be drunk during labor............

Thirty-Nine Weeks Tomorrow

   Today I went for a hike and actually got the guts up to run a bit of it, out of 2 miles I actually ran .3 miles of it so I felt pretty good. I am no longer actually trying to induce labor, I am using things such as pineapple and herbal remedies that the midwife gave me to prepare my body for labor but the walking, hiking and the little run is just for my sanity. I want so bad to start getting back into shape and pushing myself, but I can't while my body is working hard at growing a baby and even though I will be 39 weeks tomorrow, apparently he is still growing. Gina told me I am measuring a week behind basically, though I am supposedly 39 weeks tomorrow, I will measure 38 centimeters. I don't know, but maybe that has something to do with it? I have just about given up on any hope or expectations that Dorian will be coming before his due date (next Thursday), mainly because it is just driving me crazy to think about it and try to gestimate. Last week I was ready, I was pumped and excited to see what labor would be like and felt no fear........... but now, I am back to being nervous, scared and anxious. This roller coaster of emotions is driving me nuts damn it.

Oh My God this Fucking Heat!!!

    I was really hoping to have had Dorian before the heat wave hit, but it seems I am going to have to deal with wearing overly warm clothing and the extra 30 lbs on my ass for 2 or 3 more weeks and this shitty weather. 80+ degrees in the last couple of weeks and it will be like that for the next couple of weeks as well.
    Sunday night I had started to feel the tummy aches of diarrhea, and Monday I had really soft stools all day but I don't think any of it was diarrhea but this morning around 1 a.m I definitely had diarrhea and then this morning before we left the house for work I had some again. I am not getting my hopes up though, I am so done getting my hopes up now......... he isn't going to come until probably after April 12th and there is nothing at all that I can do about it.
    Cameron and I fell asleep last night having sex, using it as a pacifier just to see how things would go, my body didn't really act out like the last couple of times but I wonder if it initiated the diarrhea......... I think I might try again tonight, and maybe go a little further than just falling asleep.

I am About to Hit Another Depression

    Probably my 5th or 6th bout of serious depression now, and this one I just don't know if I can handle it at all. I am almost to the point of begrudging my unborn son since he hasn't come and probably won't come until after April 12 if not 2 weeks late. I am beginning to lose hope that he will come before April 12, I am beginning to lose my excitement and just feel "bleh" about the whole thing. I don't want to feel this way, but my escape has always been working out and working out hard. Anytime I would begin to feel insecure or feel the desire to "punish" myself by cutting myself, I would just go in my room and "punish" my abs for 25 to 30 minutes doing strenuous core workouts until I could feel the burn and soreness. Now........ there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, just deal with knowing that I am fat and unattractive.
    I have just become so obsessed with working out in the past year and a half, and then all of a sudden I come up pregnant. For the first 13 weeks I was able to train hard for my Half Marathon and that helped kept my sanity. After that, I did my best to keep up my running and working out but so many things would screw up my schedule. I have kept up a lot of walking though, and my plank position but it just isn't enough.  My body craves the punishment of a good, hard workout, working out has been my stress release and now I can't do it enough to get that high. I just don't know how much more I can take of this, and it makes me feel like shit for wanting my baby out right now just so I can get back to saving my sanity.

Worst Wait Game Ever

     This is becoming very tiresome, and I am losing what patience I have left with this pregnancy. I am ready for Dorian to come, and I am wondering when he is going to be ready because I don't know how much more I can take damn it. I want to get back on my fitness regimen, get back to running, rollerblading and other workouts I cannot do while pregnant. I am sick this weight and being fat, this isn't fun anymore, but I definitely do not want any kind of induction that isn't natural. I would really, REALLY, really, REALLY like him to come when he's ready but I really want that to be within the next few days. At least this coming week because I don't know how much more I can take of this.......... I do not see how any sane woman can enjoy pregnancy, especially during the last 2 or 3 months of it where the weight gain really starts and increases.
      Cramps, Braxton Hicks contractions and other discomforts have been picking up in the last 3 to 4 days, especially yesterday but I am not getting my hopes up as it can still be a week away. I am going to have Gina examine me Thursday to see if I've dilated and if so, then I will make the difficult decision to have her "sweep" my membranes to get things going, even though I have heard it can be uncomfortable although knowing I am going to be dealing with labor makes the idea of this weird discomfort bearable.