Just Another Manic Monday

        This weekend was the usual........boring except for the Saturday morning run and my ride with Booger Sunday. I have not been on the forum since Friday though, and I am alright with that. Whatever the comments people are leaving on my threads are probably just going to pi$$ me off more, and I really don't feel like walking around here steaming over things I can't control.  On happier notes:   
       We have 2 weeks left until Jumpstart ends and Team 13 begins; I am so excited for it, I am still running fine and good as we are getting up to 3 miles and I have even picked up speed (or at least I have knocked off about 30 to 45 seconds from my past training time). I cannot wait to run more than 4 miles, it has been almost a year since my first and last 5 mile run (which was what got me into the IT band mess) and I am so excited!!!!!! Someday I hope to do these runs by myself, but for now it feels great to have others around me with the same intent and motive that I have.
     I do miss the majority of the Beginners Forum, I am so used to going on there and lurking and posting but this whole "at each other's throats" mentality right now is beyond what my toleration can handle. Maybe in a couple of weeks, things will blow over and everyone will be back to mostly nice and helpful.

Today and So Far

     Today I went for what is probably my last lesson and ride with Booger, I wanted to cry but I did not want to look like a sissy. Our lesson had an audience which really sucked, I wasn't feeling myself and haven't worked on our training so much, so things did not go too well then. The riding went really well though, and Jill said the lease ends this Thursday so I can come out anytime until then and ride him. I can also come out for $20 anytime and work with him as long as I have a lesson at least every other week. It is painful to give him up, knowing that somebody will probably end up buying him before the year is over with.
     The band thing is getting old, I do not know why or when it started but I just wish Cameron would end it already - as selfish as that might sound but the band is never going to go anywhere even if he wants to become famous in just this city, that isn't going to happen and he is wasting time and thousands of dollars on it. Alright, I have not been myself lately and have been very irritated, the only time I am actually enjoying life is when I am running, and that is only 3 times a week.
      Anyways, maybe I will be able to start riding again in a couple of months; maybe Cameron will allow it. I doubt Booger will be there still, but maybe I should look at a younger horse, one closer to his teens maybe between 11 and 17 years old so I can do a lot more with him and a lot longer. I love Booger and will always wish that this had worked out, hopefully he will have a better home either way.

Liberals and Idiots

   So this week is ending quite shitty, and again I am just about done with the RW because either it is the summer heat or everyone is just turning into a bunch of dicks who sit around waiting to attack a member who is posting something. I was having a good time on other threads and noticing people kept mentioning how everyone is at each other's throats. I post a thread/topic and am immediately attacked for it, Yay. Great way to end the week.

Officially Hump Day

    It is Wednesday, the middle of the week and things are already looking down this morning. I had found the bassist from Nonpoint on facebook, and seeing that he makes his own shirts, I thought I would comment. Mainly trying to make myself feel good because these last couple of weeks I have been feeling kind of insecure, I wasn't expecting much but at the moment thought it would feel good to talk to someone way out of my league (guy or girl) and them talk back. Cameron seen the post and is pissed at me, and I feel like complete shit now for it; I didn't mean or want this to happen but I let my stupid insecurities get in the way. This morning was going so well until now, and nothing is going to make this go away or change....... this fucking blows -
    Almost 3 years ago, and things seemed like they were getting better, that I was improving and getting stronger - and now this bullshit; because I could not control myself when I saw that a musician that I have the hots for is on facebook and added me as a friend. Why the fuck can't I control that part, why can I not just look away and remind myself that even flirting can be wrong especially when it has gone wrong before? God this sucks, because everything was going so freaking good and I go and blow it like always - I am such a freaking idiot, I am more than an idiot but there is no word demoralizing and degrading to call what I am.

    Yesterday's Insane rant was maybe a little overboard but I really needed to get that out of my system, whether it is true or warranted, I do feel a little better now. I did not get up this morning to work out since I am running 2.5 miles tonight, but I woke up and got up at 5:50 a.m anyways which wasn't bad because I need to stay with this schedule but it was kind of boring. Cameron has become interested in cock rings, so I purchased a few off of Adam and Eve today so he can try something other than a hair tie.
    Jump Start is now above 2 miles; tonight we run 2.5, Thursday night we will run 2 miles and then Saturday morning is supposed to be 2.75 miles if I can get up early enough to run with them. July 9th is when Team 13 begins!!!!!!!! I do not know why I am so excited about that, but I am, probably because it means going from from 3 miles to 13 miles this year!!!!!! I am so excited, this week is the beginning of the end of running any days other than Jump Start/Team13, now that we are upping the mileage past 3 miles very soon, I can not risk another injury. This year I will run the Half Marathon in October, or at least run most of it.
    

Attempt to Adjust and Failing

    It is difficult trying to ignore the voices in my head, the ones saying that something is going to happen between Cameron and Brittney Smith, the new addition to their band. Cameron feels that he must have a female vocalist to compete in the music world (even if they don't make it big), and I have always felt that duet songs are almost like sex so it is pretty uncomfortable to me when I have to hear them down there singing, especially when one of those songs is the one he claimed to have written about me. Not only that, but now I know why my husband stays up way past me just so he can watch raunchy, stupid movies involving sex and whores which is why he is always coming to bed around 1 a.m or 2 a.m aroused and wanting sex. I am just sick of it, sick of feeling like I have to compete with imaginary women and real women....... it just gets to a point of exhaustion; especially when I am always being accused of cheating on him or contemplating about it. I can hardly go work out or run without him accusing me or telling me that I am neglecting him, excuse me for needing to go to sleep before midnight because I have to get up around 5:30 a.m to get these things done. While he sleeps until 9 in the morning to get up and come to the shop, gets home around 6:30 now so he can go downstairs and jam only to come up around midnight - watch a movie and then eventually come to bed.
      I just don't know how much more I can go with, I don't know if I have the energy to fight these voices and sit here just to wait til it happens. Eventually something will happen, whether it is with Brittney or with another woman if Brittney has to leave the band to go to college and another must take her place. Feelings always grow from that shit, and there is nothing I can do about it. So Blog, there you go and only you know this shit - the voices in my head, I thought they were gone, hadn't heard them for ages and now they are back with a vengeance that i can not handle or ignore. I sit up in the living room alone when they play "beautiful music" together, and there is nothing I can fucking do about it. I would do anything to have a beautiful voice, I would give just about anything to sing with him - but unfortunately it is just another cruel joke from life - because I sound like a 12 year old boy instead of a 23 year old woman. These voices keep me up and restless now, they get louder at times and I want to scream.
       I haven't watched their jam sessions since Brittney, but they are going to jam down at the river on 4th of July, I am scared as to how I will handle it and if I will even be able to handle it at all. I can almost imagine them singing to each other, holding hands and shit, but I know that is just the voice in my head and it sucks because they are so loud and block out any sense or logic. I just don't know anymore......... I wish I had someone to talk to.

Bedtime on a Saturday Night

    It is getting close to midnight and Cameron is keeping me up watching some documentary, I do plan on running tomorrow in the morning though. Even if it is storming or just raining, I don't care because I need to run this weekend; since Booger and I worked for 3 hours I am not going to mess with him tomorrow morning. Hopefully I can find the time to work with him at least one time during this coming week though, I don't know if we are going to the river camp next week because it might be storming that weekend too. I need to up my game in working out, though last night I worked with the ab wheel and a few other ab exercises along with push ups using the stability ball. My triceps hurt like hell, my abs are feeling sore so that is a good thing, tomorrow I am going to begin my new workout system, working both the upper and the lower body for an hour using lower weights (for the lower body) with higher reps while switching back and forth from lower weights and higher reps for the upper body to higher weights and lower reps.
     Anyways, I really wish Cameron would start doing some sort of working out with me because his belly is getting bigger and so are his love handles. I am trying not to be picky but it does suck a little because I want to start doing some photos of me and him together. Oh well, we got more things to worry about than that silly little stuff.

This Afternoon At the Barn

    Things did not go so bad catching Booger, until trying to find a halter for him and he tried running me over. Then he tried to grab at some straw that wasn't for him, or it was not in good condition. Getting him out to the arena and on him was easy, as was the 3 hour ride, I tried to post a little during trot but not much. We worked on cantering, jumping/hopping, winding around poles and trotting. He did pretty damn good for 3 hours, and I could tell that little girl Dela was jealous because she wanted to be on Booger. I nicely told her that I was going to be owning Booger here real soon, just so she knew that once that deal went down then she wouldn't be able to ride him anymore.
    After letting Booger back out in the pasture, it was my turn to ride Randy, a 2,000 lb Percheron Draft horse. At 18 hands high, he was definitely a beast! I felt safe on him though, and I also felt like I was riding a elephant instead of a horse. The rest of the day is going to be lazy and then tomorrow is Father's Day so we will be going to my Grandma Mary's house at noon to hang out with the family.

So Happy This Week is Over

    This has been one miserable week, but it is Friday and so the weekend begins. Tomorrow I am hanging with Booger around 12:30 to 3:00 p.m during the cookout day, then Sunday is Father's Day and I will be hanging out at my Grandma Mary's house with the family so this weekend should make up for the whole week. I really wanted to go to the river camp, but this weekend is going to be way too busy yet fun so I don't really mind.
    Yesterday morning's run sucked ass, but the group run at 6 p.m went great and I was happy. Though it was only 1.75 miles, I did just under 10:00 minutes a mile so that was great. I really do enjoy the group runs because I always feel that I do my best with groups. There isn't really a whole lot of talking, but I don't feel alone and things don't start to get boring for me. 
    Tonight we should be going out to eat with my mother for her birthday (yesterday), we don't know where yet but hopefully we will think of something soon.

Wednesday Can Kiss my Ass!!!!

     So this morning started pretty much like shit, woke up around 4 this morning to the smell of dog shit that I had to clean up. Did not fall back to sleep 20 minutes later. So I wake up around 7:00 a.m feeling like shit only to fix a bowl of cereal and spill it all over myself. Ugh, work went okay though and then I get home to try and ride my bike around the block which just about killed me and I think it was either the humidity or some shit. Then Cameron gets home and starts talking about spending $800 on some stupid amp, I am so sick of that shit and wish sales were going just as good as they had 2 weeks ago before Cameron spent $4,000 on more extrusions.
     This sucks and I just don't know how much sanity I have left, along with his new "need" to have a female singer along side him so now I can not listen to the song "Overcome" because he has to have "her" sing in it which makes it worse. That song is great without any other voices especially a female voice, but no he seems to think that it needs a stupid skanky female voice. Ugh I hate this shit, things were going so great two weeks ago!

Manic Monday

    As always, good news is never without bad news; my legs are no longer feeling pain when running anywhere near 3 miles, they haven't for the past month now but for some reason running more than 2 miles is difficult mentally. When I do the group runs, it isn't difficult to reach 2 miles (except for the heat); though this week is going to be less humid so that should be a bit of a nice break. I just don't know if this is something I need to push past and ignore, or if my brain is now trying to adapt to this running. It is definitely aggravating, more good news versus bad news: we might be camping this weekend down at the river, but Jill is having a play day/ cookout at the barn on Saturday 1-3 p.m and I definitely want to go so I can ride Booger and nobody else can. There is this young girl names Della or whatever and she is horrible at riding, and yet she has been the one riding Booger lately. She pulls on the reins, posts just awful and now I know why Booger as been acting out when riding, because he is used to pulling shit that he normally wouldn't get away with when I ride him. It is just frustrating, I can NOT wait until I own Booger so that girl no longer rides him.
     This Sunday is Father's Day, so I will have to leave the camp around 11:30 a.m to head to my Grandma Mary's for lunch and some volleyball time, probably only stay there until 3:00 p.m is not leave around 2 p.m and head back to the river camp.

..................

     This morning started out good, I got up and went to work with Booger then went home and things seemed to be going good then. Cameron has made the decision to bring a female singer into their band, with Brittany Smith (Preston's dream girl) which I was okay with until tonight when I heard him and her singing the song "Overcome" which he claimed was meant for me..... now it just makes me feel like shit and want to puke when I think of the song, I don't know why but it just feels like he might as well be singing that song about her or any other girl that might end up singing with them.
     I am trying to deal with it the best way I can, but it just seems and feels difficult while he is down there singing with another girl. I know it isn't anything but it doesn't feel that way when it comes to that song and it hurts, and nothing is taking my mind off of it.

Oh My God!!!!

    This summer is just miserable, and it is not going to cool down at all. There is good news this week and bad news this week, Brittney breaks up with Ethan all so she can go out and bang other people, I am back to 135 lbs now. I ran this morning and about died, even though it was only around 80 degrees, the sun was beating down on me. At 6 p.m I am running with Jump Start, and it isn't going to cool down at all so I am not looking forward to it. Tuesday we had ran 2 miles, and tonight we are running 1.5 miles which I think I can survive but am a little worried.
     I have not seen Booger since Saturday, and probably will not see him until Sunday because we are going down to the river camp Saturday morning to help clean up what we can. I really want to get down to the camp asap and start spending the weekends down there instead of stuck in the house. Our boat is pretty much scrap because nobody informed us that we need to winterize our boat engine.

Somebody Please Help

    I am so sick of this region's weather, in winter it is freezing cold and summer it is miserably humid and hot. Yesterday I went ahead and ran with the group at 6 p.m with my shirt on up til a half mile left ( 2 miles total), it was sickening hot at around 94* and very humid. I am wishing and praying for this weather to cool down soon otherwise I might just hole up inside until Winter. Today I just went to the gym, I do not plan on running though. Tomorrow morning I am going to run, and hopefully run with the group in the evening.

Already Sick of Summer

    I am definitely already tired of this heat, and to the point of probably running with Jump Start in just my shorts and a sports bra because it wills till be extremely hot around 6 p.m in the evenings.

Too Hot But The Day Must Go On

     Today is above my endurance; as far as heat goes but even though I would love to stay and hide inside, there is just too much to get done today since it is my only day off. This morning I went to the barn and worked with Booger, things went really well and we learned a few new things. I think a lot of Booger's "get up and go" was mainly out of fear and excitement, now that he is calming down and gaining confidence he is really slowing down and getting a little more difficult to canter and even trot so today I had to use the crop. It is a little upsetting, but I am sure we can work on it since we have all the time in the world haha, and hopefully he will be mine soon.
      Around 5 p.m we are going to start getting the camper ready, hopefully it will have cooled down by then since right now it is around 90 something degrees. Unfortunately it isn't going to cool down any, tomorrow is going to storm but we will be at the shop all day. Samson is starting to challenge my patience honestly, to be quite honest I do not favor Labrador Retrievers, they just seem so neurotic and also seem very stupid. At times he shows a lot of intelligence, and then at other times I just want to release him and let him go loose so I don't have to deal him. For the first time since leaving him in the kennel and walking away, he did not start frantically barking, he actually just stood there quietly. I hate that my patience is not strong enough, and I know that I shouldn't let these things push my buttons.

Yesterday Ended Pretty Well

    Samson, the dog we have rescued and are currently looking for a good forever home responded very well to the kennel with minimal barking. He tried to mark in the house so he can not stay inside with us. I call him Sam for short, he is very good but active dog, very intelligent and I think he would make an excellent bird dog (he is full blooded Lab).
    Yesterday evening I went over to the barn to see Booger, as I did the evening before that and was rewarded with his response as he followed me up to the gate the evening before. Yesterday, I let him into his stall so he could eat and I could brush and groom him. Afterwards, I just stayed in there and massaged him and played a couple games of asking him to pick up his hooves. It was a very rewarding half hour and I am reassured as usual that he is my dream horse, "A City Girl's Dream".
     We will see how today goes, I am suppose to run machines today but I do not know how Sam is going to react to me being out in the shop and him being in the office. I am really going to hate this weekend, my dream is to rescue animals but without the efficient tools and shelter, it makes things a little difficult to adjust to. Especially with my needs to work out and all, though this morning I was able to run 3 miles because Cameron agreed to bring Sam in later this morning. He does great in the kennel, just doesn't do to well here at the shop in the office.

Frustrating Life

     I hate that I can not go and see Booger on a regular basis, this is so aggravating because I am leasing him now and am probably only able to see him during the weekends. I am still sitting here at 5:30 waiting to be enslaved on yet another machine until god knows when, I am sick of being here til 7 or 7:30 p.m and Cameron doesn't know shit. He goes home and straight to his recliner, while I am still up and cleaning and preparing dinner, serving him whatever all the way to when I go to bed. I am so sick of the double standard, one sided family and what makes it worse is that I know I would lose the boat, the camper, my horse, just about everything but Molly and the cats if I were to walk away out of frustration, oh not to mention he would probably take my jeep from me. And he wonders why I am so frustrated all the time.

Things have Gone Chaotic

    I can honestly say that I am about to pull my hair out, I think I have pissed Jill off and I have not been able to stop by and see Booger since Saturday due to being so busy at the shop. I am now getting up at 5:40 a.m (alarm going off at 5:30 a.m.) and taking Ethan to the shop as of today, this morning actually went pretty well, I got to the river front and ran 2.15 miles in 20:30 (9:35 miles per minuted) and then went to the gym and did lower leg strengthening  for 30 minutes. Now I've read in a mag that it is best to switch from heavy weights/low reps to light weights/high reps to help lean out, so I am going to have to start experimenting with all that to see if it will help.
    I am sitting here in the office, been on my feet running two machines since 8:50 a.m to 4:00 p.m, finished and now Cameron wants to get back on the mill to run more parts. I am so sick of this, mainly because I am not appreciated and nobody notices. But of course, I really don't have a choice otherwise and I don't mind helping out on the floor. I just wish he and everyone else would notice now that for the last 3 weeks I have been running machines and then going home to clean and prepare dinner, not to mention that in the mornings before work I exert myself with either cardio or strength training. But apparently because I am a female, it is my duty/obligation to slave myself for him and everyone else in the house. I am just sick of it, the boys can lift a tiny finger and get a big thank you from Cameron, but I work myself hard and do the best I can all day when he asks me to and I don't get a single "thank you babe, I really appreciate your helping me".
   Tomorrow I am not sure what I am going to do before the gym after dropping Ethan off at the shop (6:30 a.m), I can not go run since I ran today and did lower leg training, also because I am (hopefully) running tomorrow evening. I will probably do about 25 minutes of hula hooping before we leave the house but I am not sure. I might just spend 45 minutes at the gym, doing mid to light weights with higher reps.