Two Plank Positions Today

   This morning I did the Plank Position for 2 minutes and 10 seconds, and just a few minutes ago I did it again for 2 minutes. I am trying to do the Plank as much as possible today because I don't know if I will be able to do my ab work out. Dorian's 2 month wellness check up was this morning and it kind of screwed up the schedule but I don't mind losing a work out session if it means hearing how perfect my little man is. The doctor said he is in the 20% with his weight, 25% with his height and is overall just beautiful and growing great, he was born at 7 lbs and 3 oz and already at 2 months and 2 weeks old he weighs right around 11 lbs. She said his developmental milestones are coming along nicely, smiling, agooing, agahing, bubble making, his motor skills are smoothing out, he is able to hold his weight on his legs (with support of course), he holds his head very nicely, he is so strong. The only thing he hasn't done yet is laugh, well not the baby laugh everyone thinks of, situations where a baby might normally laugh, he just opens his mouth real wide and smile or stick his tongue out. His eyes speak volume, he doesn't even need to talk to let me know how he feels, his facial expressions are so strong and amazing. At his 4 month check up we will begin his vaccines, 2 at that appointment and then another set at his 6 month appointment, so on and so forth, the vaccines will be spread out over time, mainly 2 vacs at each appointment.
   Tomorrow is going to be in the triple digits, I am so getting my butt out of bed at 4 a.m and running because it will be around 70 degrees then. I don't know if Jump Start will run at 6 p.m, because it will still be like 103 degrees and there is no way I would be out there, no freaking way at all. I am getting tired of this heat, and I honestly don't really mind running by myself. Back when I started running in 2010, I really enjoyed running with the groups and having my MP3 player, but now I find myself enjoying runs by myself and without my music. Strange.............

Another 2 Minute and 30 Second Plank

  Last night I did my Plank Position for 2 minutes and 30 seconds, after running the 2.5 mile run that morning. I am going to keep logging my plank position to keep track of my progress so I can keep an eye on my improvement.
  This morning, I made it to 2 minutes and 10 seconds which still isn't bad. It's pretty good because for the past week or so I have been doing 2 minutes or more, hopefully the next time I am able to make it to 2:30 I will try and go past it and see if I can make it to 3 minutes. 

"No Title"

   This morning I did my 6 sets of 100 Bicycle Crunches, 5 sets of 25 Love Handle Crunches, and 5 sets of 24 Oblique Crunches.  This late afternoon I did the Plank for 2 minutes and 5 seconds, my arms were getting rather tired although I really wanted to get to 2 minutes and 30 seconds but I am just glad that I got to 2 minutes at least. I am seriously thinking of increasing my bicycle crunches or adding another ab work out into the mix, because I just don't feel like I am doing enough.
    This week is going to be hitting the triple digits, except tomorrow is going to be around 86 in the evening. I've decided that I am going to try and get my run in at around 6 a.m tomorrow morning as it will be around 61 degrees and I might do that Thursday, Cameron and Ethan don't leave the house until about 7:30 a.m so I should be able to make it back home in time and Dorian still be asleep. I'll probably put his bottle out to let the breast milk warm up.

My Ruger Sr40C

  Yesterday I finally got to shoot my pistol, and I was pretty nervous at first because 1: I didn't know what to expect on the kick, 2: I was definitely scared of the gun, worrying on if I dropped it, mishandled it, pinched myself, 3: that Ethan and Preston would make comments and jokes. But they didn't, they were actually very nice and didn't make me feel like an idiot. And I began to feel more and more comfortable with shooting my gun, I wasn't yet holding the trigger down through the whole mag but I was getting quicker after each bullet. I can't wait to go shoot again, get more comfortable and begin focusing on aiming, pulling it from the holster quickly. I am still going to carry my pepper spray, and a knife at all times because you never know which one will be the best option in a situation. "
   Dorian is just adorable,  and I cannot say that enough. During pregnancy and when I found out I was pregnant I would go through these thoughts of fear, so used to being an individual and going about doing whatever whenever, thinking all that would change but now I just can't imagine life without him. He is so amazing and life really hasn't changed a whole lot, but a lot of that has been thanks to Cameron being so willing and understanding of things. If I could talk face to face with my creator, I would thank him/her for blessing me with Dorian because he truly is a blessing in my life.

This morning's Ab Workout

   I made it to 600 again with my bicycle crunches, 6 sets of 100 and it was kind of hard as I was really feeling the soreness from Wednesday's workout but I kept on it until I finished. I also did 5 sets of 15 Love Handle Crunches and 7 sets of 12 Oblique Crunches.
   I am going to aim for 2 minutes on the Plank Position later today, maybe a little longer if I can handle it but we will have to see.

A Milestone this Morning

   This morning after I pumped, I decided to do the plank position and get myself to 2 minutes before quitting, for the last 3 days or so I have been able to do 2 minutes. Well, when I hit 2 minutes I decided to push more and try longer. I made it to 2 minutes and 32 seconds this morning!!!!!!!! I am so excited, and hoping this is a milestone that will gradually keep climbing, I know I might not make it to 2 minutes everyday because my arms have to bear the weight as well and sometimes they are just tired, I also still feel it in my left knee which is why I am hoping that the Plank Position doesn't effect tonight's run. They say in order to reach 2 minutes, your core must be in fit condition... or maybe it is all of the abdominal muscles? I can't remember, but since I have been reaching 2 minutes for a couple days straight now, all I am really needing at this point is to burn the fat away so that my muscles will start showing through. The only way that is really going to happen is with running, so I am going to try and be patient, more patient than usual which is EXTREMELY difficult for me. I think I have too much time for my mind to go around with all this, probably why I could never finish any of my books, I always start off great and know where I am going to go with it but then by the 3 chapter I've already finished it in my head......... ugh and I had some really good stories that could have been published.
    Tonight's run is 2 miles, I told Shauna already that I am going to take it slow and easy, at least for the first mile and then see where I am at after that mile. Last Tuesday, I only had maybe 2 or 3 16 oz bottles of water, that could have also been a issue too. We will have to see how tonight goes, see what works tonight and what might not have worked Tuesday night.
    Dorian is getting so big, he is already 11 lbs at almost 10 weeks old and talking so much (baby talk, not forming words yet) and smiling. He is so adorable, I honestly don't think I could fall anymore in love with him than I already am. Even at this age he is already showing so much personality it is unbelievable, I can't wait to see him at 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, 4 years and so on but I am going to miss these first months.

Revelations with Last Night's Run

   Last night's run was discouraging, I am not going to lie at all. So many things went wrong, I am now wondering if this is good idea... already training for the October Half. So many things are against me right now, and they are not excuses but explanations:

1. I am carrying 15 extra lbs and I am beginning to feel it in my knees, shins and ankle.
2. The 90 degree weather has hit without giving me a chance adapt, the extra lbs make it harder.
3. November 2011 to May 2012, I did not keep up on my RUNNING mileage, this issue could be a too much too soon.
4. I am still recovering from pregnancy and delivery, but my legs.... or mind want to run at my average pace (before pregnancy weight gain), 10:00-10:30 min/mile but my body just doesn't seem ready as the mileage keeps increasing.
5. I want to keep up with Shauna.
6. I stretched before I ran, last year I learned that doesn't really work for me. 

   When we started this May, I was really excited and expecting Shauna and I to improve together, and stay together during training runs and the races. Last night I realized that just isn't going to happen, and I've been kidding myself. Even though Shauna hadn't really been running for a few years, since she became pregnant with Skyler back in.....2005, she was athlete in middle school and high school and her legs and lungs remember. Last night, I was fighting to keep up with her during the first mile, realizing we were hitting around 9:30 min/mile pace and she just kept going. I could tell she was getting competitive with others, and she was finally finding her groove again. Back in high school she easily ran 2.5 miles in 18-19 minutes (not awesome to those elite runners but it is a feat in my eyes. At 1.35 miles my left shin and ankle had finally hit their limit and I had to slow down to a walk, from there the outer part of my left knee began to hurt and I just watched her keep going. My left side began to hurt with a stitch, thankfully I have grown some brain cells during the pregnancy and have learned to listen to my body, otherwise I would probably have tried to keep going and really regretted it. I walked for maybe .2 miles and slowly started up again, ran for about .3 or .4 miles until I had to slow down to a walk again and it was very disappointing , Shauna had turned around and joined me, and we picked up the pace and I took it easy and slow.
   It hurts, it sucks and it is very disheartening. A big part of me is glad I ran, but still discouraged by it. I am a little worried, maybe I should have not started jump start, maybe I should have slowly began by myself and built my base mileage again..... maybe yesterday was just one of those crappy days, from now on I will not stretch before the runs, I will stretch after and throughout the days. I can only hope tomorrow's 2 mile run will not involve so much pain, and I will be icing my knee/s and ankle/s after every run from now on. 

It Just Isn't In Me

    .... To quit that is, no matter how upset or impatient I am, I just don't have it in me to give up. Maybe it's my stubborn, bull headed nature, maybe it's my way of obsessing over things, maybe deep down I truly don't feel at a loss and saying those things just help me push harder....? I've always been better at proving people and myself wrong, I've always done greater when swimming against the current rather than with it. Maybe it helps me when I talk myself down.... I am my worst, honest critic and I don't enjoy an easy victory, what fun would an easy victory be? I've grown up proving my enemies wrong, and even the loved ones who are skeptic of my goals, or even say things to hurt me during arguments. Famous song of Aguilara (not written by her): It makes me that much stronger.
    Revelations are nice......... sometimes 

Life is Funny and Cruel

  Strange thing about men, they will almost always tell you the truth when they are angry, you can just about guarantee that they will tell you exactly how they really feel when you piss them off. At that point they don't give a crap, they don't care if they stomp all over you or break you into tiny pieces just to prove a point. You can almost always be assured that they will come back later on and apologize for things they said, trying to say none of those things were true but that is the lie. It does hurt, it hurts a lot to know that the person you married really can't stand you, they can't stand a lot of the things you do but apparently hold it in and keep quiet until they just can't take it anymore..... but what does he have to lose? I have nowhere to go, I don't have a job, haven't had a real job since 2008 so it would be harder than hell to find a good one, I cannot go back and live with my mom, I will not put Dorian into that tiny, falling apart, disgusting house. Cameron knows this, he knows I have nowhere to go, and men love knowing they have this kind of leverage over their woman, it gives them unbelievable power to control arguments and situations. He screams and yells at me during arguments, making me wish like hell I could kill myself, I feel like such a piece of shit while he has women in his office talking about how much black cock they had back when they were young, how many men they were with. He goes to Rural King and sees Jean, then can't stop talking about her for days, he always find a reason or excuse to bring her up in any conversation he is having with anyone. He calls me a stupid, selfish brat, which yes I know I can be selfish and bratty but I am sick of being the only one who cleans at the house or at least tries to, while his darling son doesn't do jack shit at home and goes out fucking around at night all because he works at the shop out on the floor.......... I used to have a job too, working all day and still had to come home and clean and try and take care of the house with no help at all while those two brats got to come home from sleeping in class to sleep at home, not bothering to help me at all. And even when I was out on the shop floor working all day with no paycheck unlike Ethan, I still had to do all the cleaning with no help. He talks about how much shit he has had to put up with my family and how I have no idea or whatever, for the first 2 years we were together nobody of my family knew about us and he still screamed at me during arguments, threatening to kick my ass to the curb and making me feel like a piece of ugly, dog shit, and the only family that has given him shit was my mom, sister and my dad's side WHICH I don't even hardly talk to anymore because of how they attacked him when I had gotten pregnant back in 2009 (miscarried). He talks about all the crap I have, the Tahoe, the camera, the office, a nice home, able to do just about anything I want..... and so I am a spoiled brat, I would give ALL of that up for him to actually spend time with me, go walking, hiking, riding, anything that does not involve that stupid ass television or the shop, other than those 2 things being his 24/7 passion, then there's the music which really he doesn't do a lot of anymore so that isn't a big deal at all. I would give all my shit up, just for him to go out and enjoy life with me again, more than just 2-5 times a year, like we used to before Chaos got bigger and busier, but he won't, he won't ever bother to join me ever again.
   The only help I ask for at home is with the trash, somebody else could maybe put the dishes in the dishwasher, take out the trash from all rooms, sweeping the kitchen sometimes, any of that would be enough help for me but nobody will. During my pregnancy, up until January when Preston moved out I was doing the little box just about as much as he was, and then when it was Ethan's duty to clean it out, he might have done it 12 times out of 3 months, I gave up asking or telling and just did it myself.
   I need to just forget about it, forget about thinking that I am someone in this family and just suck it up that I am nobody, my place is at the bottom of this food chain, and I need to start remembering that...... to Cameron I am nobody, I wouldn't survive out there on my own without him, that I am weaker than all these other bitches including Jean who had her own place. I know Cameron would take Dorian from me in a heartbeat, and not think twice about it if he kicked my ass out, I'll die before I lose Dorian. I know I would kill anyone who would try and take him from me, or at least try to kill them, he is the only constant, great thing in my life now. Even though I am not the best mother, probably not really even a great or good mother for him, I am too stubborn to just give up and leave him behind. In the end..... the truest problem Cameron has with me is that I am a female, I am hated and demonized all because I had to be born with a vagina between my legs instead of a penis.

Finding a Balance

  These last 2 months have been quite crazy; the new little bundle of life that depends on me, the office and shipments, my husband and my training. This week I finally added my other love back in, photography. It is a bit more difficult than before and forces me to use more creativity than I ever have, which is a good thing but is definitely a challenge. Right now, I've begun to take my camera with me when I take Dorian and Molly (my dog) for a walk in the evenings or morning and these first 2 outings I just had my regular lens but next outing I might use my longer lens.... who knows.
  I am slowly getting back to being able to do the Plank Position for 2 minutes each time, it is all a matter of forcing myself to hold out and maybe after a week or two I will start forcing myself to hold out for an extra 10 seconds and just keep adding. This morning I did 400 bicycle crunches: 8 sets of 50, equaling to 25 each side which totaled to 200 each side. I am not finished with the love handle crunch today, this morning I only did 3 sets of 25 each side, and 2 sets of Oblique Crunches, 12 reps on each side so I am definitely not finished with those two. I am also adding push ups on my ab workout days, right now I've divided them into 10 reps, 3 times throughout the day. I am excited to getting back into the swing of things now, and am slowly beginning to see my body starting to trim down.........SLOWLY.
  Tonight Cameron is meeting our CPA tonight at 4:30 and is not sure if he will make it back in time to watch Dorian for my run, so Shauna and I might end up running at 8 p.m and I will be taking Dorian with most likely which will be interesting as we are doing 1.75 miles. It will be around 79 degrees so hopefully it won't be too bad and Shauna is still not feeling to great, I am kind of hoping to add some fartleks into this run but we will see how things go. Here are one of my photos I shot yesterday, this on is Cameron's favorite and I like it too.

I love making one color "pop" out as everything else is black and white.

........Can't think of a Title

   I got up this morning and noticed in the mirror that I am finally starting to trim up a little, which makes me feel a bit better. This week I've started back up on my "Punish the Abs" workouts 3 days a week, before my pregnancy I was doing 300 Bicycle Crunches, 300 Raised Leg Crunches, 200 K-Bell crunches, and 200 Oblique Crunches three days a week while doing my plank position every other day around 2-3 minutes. I felt great and loved the pain and soreness that came from it, and can't wait to get back to that regimen, right now I average about 100 of each but throughout the day instead of in just one setting.
   Tonight we do 1.5 miles and I wonder if Shauna and I should use this as our speed workout but I am not sure if I want to. I have never tried to focus on speed during runs, though I hear a lot about them. Hopefully we don't get hit by another stop light dang it, I am wondering if she and I should add one day of speed work into the week, maybe at a school track or the YMCA, starting with just a lap to see how we do. I mean the question is: do we really need to? I will talk to Shauna about it and see what she thinks, it would be nice to use one of the weekly runs now, but I don't know how long your speed workouts are supposed to be. Maybe we could just start adding in a few 40 second fast pace sprints in our regular Tuesday runs, I don't really want them close to our long runs though. I think they call them Fartleks, which is a funny word actually.
   Dorian weighed in at 9 lbs and 13.5 oz last night, he should reach 10 lbs by this weekend, he is getting so big. I love this little angel so much, I honestly wish he could stay this little for a while longer as he is growing up too fast already. He is going to be 2 months old next Wednesday, it just doesn't feel like it has been 2 months since he was born but it has been. I hear and read so much: how a lot of mothers don't feel that immediate crazed love and attachment to their newborns, how many parents are disappointed at their newborns appearance as they were expecting something else, and how newborns look funny and weird.... but Dorian was perfect the moment he was born, such a beautiful little baby, and he is exactly as I have pictured and dreamed of for so long. And yes, I felt that crazed love, my heart melted the moment I pulled him out of the water and looked into his eyes staring back at me, my heart stopped and so did time for a just a few moments and I knew then that my life was complete with this little boy.
   Other than those things, everything else is pretty much normal.

I am Sick of this Shit

   I honestly know why I am no hurry to get birth control, because I am in no hurry to start having sex again. I hate the way I look, I know I am unattractive and he's not wanting sex because of me which is obvious, I've lost count on all the titty and pussy movies he's been watching. I don't give a shit if we don't have sex ever again, I don't give a shit if he starts going somewhere else for it, or jerking off or whatever the fuck he feels he needs to do to relieve himself, because I am not interested.
   I am sick of being insulted on a daily basis, made to feel like some sort of failure at everything: a Failure at the office, a failure at home and house cleaning, a failure at being a wife, and not to mention a failure at being a mother. I can't breastfeed, my nipples don't stick out enough so I have to pump pretty much exclusively, I can't talk baby to him out of sheer embarrassment. I just want to scream, I just want to scratch at my skin until it bleeds, I just want to get out of the house and drive until I have no idea why I am out driving.... but I can't do any of that now, I have to play strong for Dorian, I have to do my best not to show any weakness or stress which I am pretty much failing at anyways.