Today Could've Been My Last

    I think what pisses me off more, or hurts more is knowing that he doesn't give a shit. While on the Loyd today headed to go pick up his stupid fucking amp, I had my cruise on at 55mph in the left lane, I had noticed that both exits at Boeke were closed due to high water and for some reason I just stopped paying attention to the road. All of a sudden I look up to see that my lane had stopped and I was less than 50 ft from the car dead still in front of me going 55 mph. I hit the brakes so hard and could feel myself bouncing and skidding, I turned my wheel to the left so that I would miss the car and I went in between three cars and the huge concrete median. I know without a doubt that if I had hit the woman, I would've been fucked, not only going to prison for manslaughter (somebody would've been dead), but most likely a broken body if not myself be dead. I was so shaken up, I couldn't stop and had to call Cameron about it; all he pretty much said was "pay better attention, and don't fuck up his amp"! Not "I am glad you're okay", or "that could've been really ugly, you could've been killed". Even when I finally got back to the shop, he didn't ask me if I was okay, he just kept up with his usual shit, belittling me and trying to get me riled up in front of everyone...... it hurts to know that the man I am married to and love couldn't give a fuck more about me and my safety. And now I am the one he is pissed off at.

Flood Season

        I honestly think Evansville is going to be underwater before Summer even begins, we are going to end up like Atlantis, only not as important or cool. This shit is seriously irritating, I love rain but I am sick of watching the river creep up, I am sick of seeing what was once fields now lakes and knowing that if we do get 2-5 more inches of rain my family will be stranded at our house and that will really suck major balls.
       I might have to go to the store and stock up on food, because we might end up stranded at home this weekend. And I will be researching for the sun dance, or a Go Away Rain Dance and I will be performing it. I don't care if it is crazy or stupid, I am going to do it and believe that it will work!

Rain, BullShit, and then School

     Yes, what more can I truly ask for??????? Wake up to piss pouring rain, head to the gym and did a piss pour work out because my legs were still feeling stiff from yesterday's run (not unhappy about that, just wishing I had done my upper body work out instead). And today has been gloomy, raining and my husband an ass like 90% of the time.
     Honestly I am sick of this subservient, "women should behave lower than men or even animals" kind of attitude from stupid ass men. I did not grow up in medieval times or before women's right movement bullshit, and I can not see or understand why I am hearing this pretty much 24/7 from boys and a man who supposedly married me for love and happiness but seems to want more of a servant rather than a partner or wife. 
     Hell, if I didn't have school tonight or stiff legs I would either go for a run or go to Jill's and work with Sparky some on our trotting and cantering. But unfortunately, I not only have class but a stupid fucking test in Math, so in about 2 hours I will be heading to school to work on that. Yay.

Today a Good Day

    Today was a pretty good day, riding lesson was just amazing. Sparky was so responsive and just quick on his toes to giving me what I ask. I think when I go in Wednesday evening to work on my own and work on what Jill has taught me, I am probably going to work with Sparky even though I will feel like I am betraying Buzz but hopefully he will understand.
    Sunday started off good, I went for a run in Audubon and it was great, I attempted more of the hills than before and met another fellow runner who was out with his dog. After the run, things pretty much went downhill and to shit.............. I just don't know why or how things get under my skin but they do and it is irritating, especially when it is my husband who is successfully doing his best to get under my skin and hurt my feelings
     Southern Indiana is becoming a lake, yes we are flooding and Northern Kentucky isn't doing any better. I am sick of this rain, it is has been raining for almost 2 months with only maybe 2 weeks (14 days) total of no rain and it is driving me crazy. Pretty much all my favorite running paths are under water, except for Audubon Woods trails. I can not wait for this rain to go away and things to dry up, but we are almost halfway through the year and this year (2011) has been what wet and dreary year for damn sure.

An Overall Good Week

      Over all this has been a pretty good week for me, I was invited to run with Shari and her group on Tuesdays and Thursdays til Jump Start begins May 24. Last night we ran 4 miles, I was feeling some aches in my knees but I am hoping it is because of my shoes so I can't wait to receive my new pair (hopefully tomorrow or Monday). I also bought a pair of Pumas as well as the second pair of Ravenna, they probably won't get here til around Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. Most likely if I do run sometime this week, it will be on the Back Country Trail in Audubon and not on the road, it seems my Brooks ASR 7 trail shoes have really great support and I don't feel any pain with them (yet).

      I have a race next Saturday, hopefully these new pairs of shoes are the solution to my pain. If not, then I am in definite trouble. I have also got to go get more Iron Man muscle rub because I am just about out and that is not good.

HumpDay 4/20

     Today has been a pretty damn good day, I got up this morning and ran on the BCT at Audubon State Park in 47 degrees. I really enjoyed the muddy, wet part of it for some reason I do not know. And Cameron has not really been on my ass today, it just feels like a really good day and I wanted to repeat that here. Cameron just finished with John Friend and decided that he is not going to do the S Corp thing because he doesn't think we need to. I don't have the heart to tell him that our sells have surpassed $70,000 already and we only have less than $10,000 in the bank (he would definitely be questioning that). So hopefully things will be ending in 2012 or things will be looking up, I don't know and quite honestly I am sick of worrying over those sort of things.

This Week So far

    It has not been horrible, I have been feeling horrible and insecure lately though. I just have this voice ripping inside of me to just give up on trying to improve myself, it has been feeling more and more like a struggle to get up and work out lately, if I get up then Cameron sooner or later starts to complain that I am neglecting him, but if I don't get up I start to feel like shit. I can't do my workouts in the evening because the gym closes at 7 and it just works better in the morning. I am beginning to feel myself derail, I don't know what to do and am feeling lost. JumpStart doesn't begin until May 24, but Shari has invited me to their little group runs at the Y on Tuesdays and Thursdays until then so hopefully I can start to feel sane again. 
     I just don't know how much more I can take, it is like no matter what I try to do, I am always failing in Cameron's eyes because it is hardly ever at his convenience. I am beginning to think that he wants me to sit around and wait for his every command, for his convenience and I can not do that! I will not be over weight again, I will not look like Shauna, or Kara or even Steph and I do not want to come close to looking like I did before I started working out last year! I just don't know what to do, I just want to get out and run, I want to go bike, swim or just get away from this pain and confusion.

This Weekend So Far

    The cold weather is sucking horribly, but my riding lesson was awesome, I rode bareback and worked on the trot. Jill said she normally doesn't let her students trot the first time bareback...... so maybe that means something and should make me feel better. I am hoping to either run tomorrow or ride the trails, not sure which one because the trails are probably wet and muddy. Other than that, I've done some cleaning today and tomorrow will hopefully do laundry. I am sick of this stormy weather and the slight cold weather that keeps coming back. I wish summer would come on so I can go running in shorts and a sports bra, the only thing I don't like is the sweating.

Last Night's Show

Well, although I am not big on country concerts but last night was quite eventful. Three drunk bitches really pissed us off, when the first couple sat down in front of us, they seemed pretty calm. but when their friends show up, two other couples; me and Shauna could tell stupid shit was going to happen. Around the end of Reba they stood up infront of me, Shauna and Cindy (mom's friend) and started swaying back and forth just real stupid, I mean the whole time they had acted like it was  a rock show. My sister Kara had asked them nicely the first time to sit down (they did), then the second time during George Strait they stood up again and were acting stupid, my mom hollered to me and Shauna (loudly enough for them to hear) that we should go down a row and sit there, they moved to those seats immediately and sat down. Not 3 songs later, they were up again; my mom tried tapping one and she turned around and was like "don't touch me bitch!", so that roused me and Shauna up telling the bitch not to talk to our mom like that, then the other chick turned around and was like "fuck you, fuck you", my sister had a cup of ice and threw it in her face. So in short, security was called, threatened that Shauna had assaulted the bitch, but if we all agreed to forget about it, we could go sit down. My party was ready to sit down, but the bitch in pink got a complete attitude with the security guard so the "law" was immediately on our side and we got better seats. I sill wish I had beaten the bitch's ass, but I guess things worked out.

Been a Few Days

     It has been a few days since my last blog, my insecurities are up and I am sick of not being able to get rid of this puggy ass stomach........ my husband is going through this phase of acting like a stupid teenage virgin boy, going off on every "hot" skinny little bitch on the T.V screen, he might as well be fucking the T.V and then he wonders why I feel like shit. I am just sick and tired of being 140 lbs, not matter how hard I try to avoid bad foods, work out as much as possible, it seems this stomach just won't go away.
    Other than that shit, I've decided on doing one lesson a week (Saturday) and then coming in on Wednesday to do a 2 hour riding without lessons for $20.00, work on honing my skills. The weather has warmed up but we are having the April showers so things are pretty muddy but warm, I wanna get back out on the trails biking, and I really need to get back into running but for some reason my knees are hurting and it is really pissing me off. So basically I am just pissy and bitchy.
    I have a math test on Monday, which I really need to study for and work on, and I have a rough draft due on Tuesday in English, it shouldn't be too hard really because I know what I want to write and am very passionate about it. So all I really have to worry about is the math test. Yay.

Another Bada$$ Bike Ride at Scales Lake

    This time I took the boys out there, they went out and bought some used mountain bikes but Preston's wasn't in shape for it yet, so he rode Cameron's. We were out there ON the trails for about 40-43 minutes, about 30 minutes more than Cameron and I were yesterday. It was just as bad a$$ if not more, the boys loved it and we are all tired now. I would love to get up early in the mornings at least 3 times a week before work and go there to ride, but we'll see how that works. I am now in search of a new bike rack because my 4 bike rack has gone to complete shit, so hopefully I can find a decent and cheap one because we need to freeze on spending since sales are slowing way down and we have bills and depts to pay.

Cameron's first Mountain Biking

    We went to Scale's Lake this morning, to ride the trails which turned out to be pretty damn extreme. As usual, Cameron was procrastinating, later I found out that he had stayed up til 3:30 a.m. when I went to bed around midnight because he thought we wouldn't be going until around 1 in the afternoon.............. yeah right. I have riding lessons at 2:00 p.m. and do not plan on missing them, though I do really want to go back to Scale's Lake and ride the trails, we only maybe rode 2 miles at most, though Cameron is claiming as usual that he knows more than me and we did about 3 or 4 miles............. dude Scale's Lake only has about 5 miles and we did not come close to doing them all. Sometimes his "know it all" attitude can be a bit over-whelming to say the least.
     I am almost tempted to take a break from riding lessons, I am beginning to feel a bit worn out and burnt out from having so much on my plate right now. But I hate quitting on things that I start, so I am probably only going to do one lesson a week . Now that we are starting mountain biking again, I plan on doing roller blading, while keeping my running up.

A Straight Go Piss Yourself

    As usual, I go out and buy something for my husband (a mountain bike) so that he can go riding  with me and stuff, because he has been talking about it constantly. So, I go to Walmart and buy a decent bike (Mongoose $199), because 1: I figured he didn't want to spend a whole lot, 2: I had been eye balling that bike for a while. And he immediately starts to Craigslist basically stating that he could find a much better deal on there, forget the fact that I was excited to get him a bike, excited that we could actually go out tomorrow to Scales Lake and hit the trails....... no he wants to search Craigslist and find a better bike. So my feelings are hurt, does he care......... nope not at all; I am half tempted to say fuck it and forget about trying to help him join me in the active outdoor sports because he will keep making excuses. I am so surprised he didn't start making excuses about the running shoes I had bought him for the running he is already not liking at all. I am beginning to believe that he will never be satisfied..... EVER, he seems to have a god complex and believes that he always has the better ideas and knows what is best and everything about the world. I love him to death, but damn it this is exhausting.