Today Blows Major

   I am ready for the day to be over, scrapping up to $400 worth of parts because I stacked them too high. Now Cameron is pissed off at me, I am on a roll and so close to being fired. I don't want to lose this privilege of being able to have Dorian with me all day, I don't think I could trust anyone else with him all day and that would consume me everyday where I wouldn't be able to get anything done. I don't feel good anymore, my stomach hurts and I am hungry but I don't want to eat, I just want to get back into bed and lay there with my knees drawn up. I am not going to get to run today, that stupid concert is tonight and I am only going half way through it because it is 7 hours long and I am not going to be away from Dorian that long. It starts at 5 but I won't leave for it until about 8 p.m, mom is expected to come out to the house at 8 but I might see if she can come out around 7 p.m so I can run my 4 miles and then take a shower and head to the concert unless I decide not to go at all. After earlier, I really don't want to go. I don't want to miss 4 hours with my son after today, when I am so close to losing my job here and then having to find a babysitter for Dorian.
    At 6:30-7 p.m I might take Dorian with me out for a little run depending on his mood and how I feel. If I can get just 2 miles in, that is better than nothing at all, though I would prefer 4 miles. I guess we'll just have to see how things go today, if I can't run then I might just dance around the living room while he is asleep. Try and get 1 hour of dancing in to make up for no running.
   I just want today to be over with, I want to go home and sleep.

When will the Weight Start Falling Off

  I am about to lose my mind, my patience is already gone and I am beginning to run out of sanity. I am almost 4 months post pregnant and still 150 lbs, and have probably gained more. I have cut my calorie goal on myfitnesspal.com from 2490 to 2100 a few weeks ago, because I couldn't make it to 2490 calories a day, my milk supply hasn't decreased but neither has my weight. I am up to 4 miles now, 2 times a week and my long run this Saturday will be 5 miles. I just want to know when I will start losing these 15 lbs, when will I start getting back the body I used to have because right now it just doesn't look like it is going to happen within the next year. I did a lot of strength training back in 2010 to lose the weight, weighing 155 lbs in February and weighing myself in May at 134 lbs, losing 21 lbs in 3 months and now I can't go to a gym and I know that is the only way I am going to lose this weight. Dorian will probably be 5 years old before I can start going to a gym and working out, I am going to be 151 lbs or whatever for years now, again living the life of a fat ass, chubby woman.
   This running isn't helping at all, I figured once I got pass 3 miles that I would slowly start thinning out but nothing has happened. My first 3 miles was almost a month ago, on June 30 and you would think with the low calories and the breast pumping that I would be losing weight. This is just very discouraging, 

A little bit of Everything

  Dorian is beautiful, growing so well and getting so close to crawling and he loves doing his baby talk, interacting with everyone around him. Life is slowly getting more balanced, though there have been a few surprises at work that have shown me how much I need to get more organized and better at what I do. My running is doing well, I am past 3 miles now and slowly moving ever so closer to my goal of two 5 mile runs during the week and one long run that will be between 8-12 miles. I am excited, hopefully I won't have anymore "interruptions" and can keep a steady 15-20 mpw throughout winter if we have a nice mild winter like this last one. I hope to do a full Marathon in the next year or two, my biggest goal is to do ultra marathons but trail ones as I love trails. I'd like to do at least one Utra Marathon a year, within the next 5 years.

Barely Hanging on

  I am to the point, actually I am just about beyond that point an I am about to jump off of it. I am sick of looking in the mirror, I am sick of my jiggly ass fat stomach and my thick, fatty thighs that will never go away. The only thing that helps me deal with this is running, so when I can't run, I slowly begin to lose my mind and want so badly to start ripping at my flesh, just scratching and cutting at this ugliness. I am at the mercy of this weather, this bullshit, humid hot fucking weather and it is driving me into the ground. I have to wait until Cameron and everyone is in bed before I can run tonight, just so I can make sure that Dorian doesn't wake up and get upset that I am not around.
  I honestly think this feeling has hit close to it's highest peak today, and nobody can or is willing to understand why I feel this way. I've got nobody to talk to, nobody that can even BEGIN to understand why I want so badly to run, or why I feel like completely dog shit when I miss a run.