Friday and I am Tired

   Other than struggling to sleep last night, and then struggling to get up at 5 a.m and spend an hour trying to wake myself up before my run - 3 miles in humid  weather and trying hard to finish. Afterwards I knew today was going to be one of those miserable days and I was freaking right. Cameron expects us (me, Ethan and Jared) to be at the shop by 7 a.m while he doesn't have to even get up until 9 a.m and get there around 9:30 or 10 a.m because he is the BOSS. But doesn't make sure Ethan goes to bed by midnight at least, expecting him to only get 4 hours of sleep and then be up on his feet from 7 a.m to 7 p.m........... I am beginning to think that maybe it would be better to work for somebody else, have a schedule that can be anywhere from 7 a.m to 4 p.m I don't care because this is just bullshit. Apparently we are expendable to him, we are just his slaves and if somebody goes wrong he'll just get more and throw us away.

Lord I want this Day to be Over

   Already within 10 minutes, my day has gone from hot and humid but not bad mentally - to fucking irritating and just shitty like always. Sometimes I honestly don't know why I put up with men, they are such assholes and arrogant pricks and they love making sure that they can make their women miserable as hell. But then they go and claim that we are the ones that strive to make them miserable and drive them insane - what the fuck ever. I am so sick of being accused of not taking care of my animals just because that jackass wants to overfeed Rocky as unhealthily as possible - I am so fucking sick and tired of this shit, to the point I am beginning to wonder if it is even worth it. He does whatever he can to annoy me and piss me off and then yells at me and threatens me when I react - fucking swearing he'll kick me out and I will be single by the end of the night and out on the streets, or swearing that he'll have some other bitch in his bed within the hours - I am so fucking sick and tired of this mentally, emotionally abusing asshole. I can see why none of his past relationships have ever worked out.

Friday! Yay!

    I am so glad that it is Friday, although this weekend will probably go by quickly. Team 13 is running sometime this weekend, not sure when though as this heat wave is kicking everyone's ass. I got yesterday's run in the morning and this morning I went to the gym; I am trying some new workouts for a few different body parts to see if there is any difference in toning up my arms. I won't be able to focus too much on my legs until after the Half Marathon because I need to make sure they are able to handle the training and the distance we begin to cover now. I will probably edit this post later on, right now we are getting ready to go to Shyler's for lunch.

I Hate the Heat

    This hot weather is really beginning to drive me insane, it is beyond reasonable temps and the humidity is even worse. I do not know how much more I can take before losing my mind, and now the A/C in jeep has stopped again and I only had it working for a week. I cannot stand driving around outside in weather that is 97 degrees and sunny as hell, with the humidity around 75% which makes it feel like 107 degrees. This sucks major ass, that is all I can really say and it just pisses me off that there is nothing that can be done about this.
    People think the government or the elite motherfuckers are the ones controlling the weather, I would not be surprised if someone was out there screwing around with it man. My runs have been suffering some, but hopefully this is help when it comes time to race or when the heat wave is over and done with. Right now I am pretty much doing sub 10min/mile or lower when lucky so when the weather finally breaks maybe I will make it close to 9min/mile.

Men Are Assholes, Period

     Or at least the Hadley mother fuckers are, no matter what you do or try for them they bitch and whine. Never fucking grateful for anything you try and do, especially when it is healthy. Healthy shit is like kryptonite to Cameron especially. I am so sick of trying to provide him a healthy meal when he just spits it back in my face like I am trying to poison him, he is such a dick and I am getting really sick and tired of it. He brings up the whole "I can spend $300 on Molly, but I can't buy him nasty white bread and plain fucking lettuce"?? Fuck him, I try and get him on healthier eating but that isn't what he wants at all..... oh hell no he wants disgusting, unhealthy fattening shit to eat because I am not worth him trying to lose 20 lbs and create a healthier lifestyle even though I worked my ass off last year to lose 25 lbs and keep it off. I am sure he would lose it in a heart beat for Brittney Smith or Nicole Hensling or what ever the fuck her name is, I am so sick of these bitches he swoons over for shit. 
     I knew it in the beginning, that I would never be good enough for him but the last 2 years had me start believing otherwise. Thank god my eyes have been opened again.

Last Night Reality Hit

     I haven't been blind to my best friend's age, it isn't like I have been denying the inevitable that she would someday pass away. But last night really woke me up, all day things seemed normal up until around 9:30 p.m when Molly started pacing and going to the front door wanting out. I thought she might have just wanted to be near the grill, but I let her out for a few minutes then brought her back in. Within 5 minutes she was acting anxious and stressed, I assumed it was the kids that were here stressing her out (she doesn't like those two) until she was in the kitchen squatting trying to pee but Cameron said nothing came out. I took her out and watched her, she would squat for a few seconds, get up and walk a little then squat again, this went on for 10 minutes before I finally said enough and told Cameron that I was taking her to the Emergency Vet Clinic.
     She was miserable, she couldn't pee but she still enjoyed having the window open so she could stick her head out. I was scared of what it was, when I had called they said it could be a Bladder infection, UTI or blockage in her urethra. Once there, I had to sit in a room while they took her to the back and I had to hear her yelp, whimper and scream these sounds I don't ever want to hear from her again. It killed me that I could not run in there and let her know that I was still here and I wasn't leaving her, the screams were not dog like at all as they gave her this medication that was supposed to relax her but only made it worse and her seem drunk. She has stones in her bladder, all of them tiny enough to pass but one too large that got lodged in the urethra, they were able to push it back into the bladder but it has to come out. After two hours (seemed like forever) they brought her back into the room with me and she was immediately at my side (dazed), nudging me and looking up at me, glued to my side.
      They gave me medication for her, and now I have to wait til Monday to call my vet and take her in, find out how much it will cost to get the stone out. I am not going to let her suffer this, but I am not going to put her down. This isn't something caused with age but an accident that shouldn't have happened. Molly is as healthy as a pup (not as crazy hyper as she was as a pup though) and still has at least 3 great years to go before she starts slowing and wearing down. She plays with my almost 2 year old Cattle Dog mix Rocky every night, jumping and running and rearing up with each other (and humping him). She has too much life in her to just throw it away because of money, I will gladly sell my camera gear if that is what it takes.
      I know lots of people go through this, I know what everyone will say but it isn't the same. There isn't one person around me that knows why and how strong of a bond Molly and I have. I remember the day she found me, the day I was standing in front of a neighbor's yard watching my brother do stupid things on his bike when I had this feeling and looked over across the street. There sitting in a driveway watching me with this intense gaze was this black and white fur ball, we ran over there to her and she peed on herself excitedly. I loved her immediately, though I knew mom would try to find her home (she had a collar on). After few days mom decided we would keep her, and I knew it was fate. I had been wishing for a dog like Molly, begging to have one fall into my lap and she is so much more. She is the perfect of both Siberian Husky and German Shepherd, she has always had the free, energizer bunny spirit of a husky but that unbreakable loyalty of a German Shepherd, to me. She found me back in 1999 and has been my best friend, my shadow ever since then; when I had nobody to talk to, nobody to hang out with, she has always been there for me. Never judging me, never holding anything against me but always ready for anything whether it was racing around the neighborhood pulling me on my rollerblades or running through the woods, and always my best friend, my kindred spirit sleeping right under my bed (growing up in my mom's house) where my head would lay. I am not ready to lose her yet, I know everyone says that but this angel has saved my life countless times, the thought of her being left here due to a selfish act has kept me from acting on those thoughts so many times I have lost count. Without her here, I would feel so alone and I know that probably sounds wrong as I have a family and  a great husband but Molly is the center of my world, and I owe her whatever it takes to make her better. I would lose all heart, all drive to keep pushing forward if I have to give her up now. I am not ready for it, though I know it is inevitable and I have told myself that if there was any suffering that couldn't be fixed permanently, or if I could see in her eyes that she was done - but she isn't done, I can see that in her eyes now. This angel of mine still has the spunk she had as a puppy, the stubborn tenacity that I fell in love with from the beginning. Even with her 13th birthday coming up in November you wouldn't know it, not with this girl.
      Someday I will have to let go, but it won't be this year and it will not be anytime soon. When she is ready, when she knows I am ready then she will let me know as she has always let me know what she wants from me. 

A Day is Never 100% Great

    Other than this morning's great run and morning cleaning slash sex, afternoon went to shit within seconds when Cameron turned in a raging asshole about some bullshit over my brother. So now my brother is pissed off about shit that isn't his fault, it isn't his fault if Brittney Smith is interested in him but now Jared is no longer allowed at the house since Brittney Smith is here just about every fucking night. He claims any interaction would probably screw up their "band vibe", but I think it is mainly because Cameron secretly wants to fuck her and doesn't want Jared messing with her. I can't confront him on it because he would blow his top and I would probably get my ass bounced, honestly I think he is just insane and has a whole LOT of issues. I had no idea I was throwing myself into this kind of mess marrying him, it doesn't seem to be in all of them but just him, Ethan and Preston. They immediately lash out at outsiders or anyone who "threatens" the band vibe or guy vibe and women (except the ones they want to fuck, including Cameron) are immediate outsiders.
     I left the shop afterwards and took the dogs hiking in the woods down by the river, then came home and Cameron was all lovey dovey and wanting sex so yeah; I don't want to talk about it because I am sick of being forced to make a choice and choose between him and his family over mine. Or he likes to make me feel like shit by telling me how much my family suck and how they are dirty pieces of shit (at least a few of them are). Oh the joys of married life.

It is all Downhill Thursday

    Team 13 shouldn't be canceled tonight since it feels pretty good outside and no bad weather around that time. I have not been to the gym all week, but I have been doing some workouts at home (mainly my abdominal and core) and focusing on push ups. I am definitely decreasing the amount of lower body strength training to maybe once a week, because I can already feel my knees acting up as we move into 3 miles. I am hoping like hell that it doesn't wreck my training because I don't know what I would do if I miss this Half Marathon and have to wait a whole year.
    I am getting a little worried about the business's finances as our sales have slowed down dramatically and we are about to pay a huge bill for material. I really hate it when sales slow down, but unfortunately that is the way life is in business.

Monday ends Not too Bad

     Even though it started off pretty shitty, the day didn't end so bad. Tomorrow is the 3 mile run and this week is going to be very hot and humid so we will see how things go. I might end up running on the Treadmill a lot, and I really hate the treadmill especially if it is more than 2.5 miles on it. Cameron worked on my jeep's A/C blower thingy and has it working finally but now it won't even go off, the a/c keeps going even when the engine is turned off.
    I have been thinking more and more about the Half Marathon and how to prepare for it. I am a little more reassured since talking to some others, but now my question is about food and the eating plan for this. As mileage increases on the long runs and weekly runs, I am going to have to increase my calories slightly. Definitely going to need to do a lot of research so that things are done correctly and without mistakes. Ugh I am so nervous damn it, and I am scared I am going to get even more nervous as we get closer to the date.

And Another Manic Monday

     So I barely remember waking up to my alarm this morning, then falling back to sleep and not waking up until 7:00 a.m when Cameron asked me what time it was. I missed my morning workout and am pretty fucking pissed off about it, Cameron said my body probably needed the rest. I am not going to eat much today, except for my protein shakes and subway sandwich. I think I have slimmed down some though, in just a week but of course I did just go through my "time of the month" deal so yeah. Tomorrow is Team 13's first run - 3 miles starting at Wesselman's and I am not very nervous but a little which is weird.

So Far This Morning

     I woke up around 8:30 this morning, my tummy feeling flatter than yesterday which is a pretty good thing. This afternoon we are going to Denny's with the band as a birthday gift thing for Brittney Smith. This weekend we learned quite a  few new things about Ethan's ex, she had been having sex with that Alex guy long before she finally broke up with Ethan. She is also making Ethan out to be the bad guy to everyone now, so if I ever run into I will have a lot of words with her. 
    Other than that kind of drama, I have been a little more concerned since yesterday morning after looking at the Team 13 training schedule. We are going to be increasing each Saturday long run a mile a week while keeping the Tuesday and Thursday runs at 3 miles......... how is that possible and will I even survive? Next Saturday is 3 miles, the following Saturday is 4 miles, the third one is 5 miles, the fourth one is 6 miles and so on and so forth. I am just scared that this is going to wind up in an injury again, and that really upsets me.

Life Can Only Get Worse

       This whole week has been complete shit, for so many reasons that I don't want to begin to state them. My insecurities and anxieties are so much louder than they have ever been, and I cannot ignore them for the sake of my sanity. I feel myself breaking and falling apart, and there is nobody I can talk to because everyone seems to think that he is pretty much an angel and I am beginning to really question that.
        I cannot function mentally, my mind is so bogged up and distracted that everything is bottle necking and I am too helpless to do anything about it. I don't know if it is going to improve or get worse, nothing is able to take my mind off of all these bad things. I am beginning to think that life is going to stay this way, because I pretty much have no choice other than downhill. 
       Tomorrow morning I have to run 3 miles, tonight the band has a gig at the Eagles club  - 8 p.m to 10 p.m and I will be leaving at 10 to go home and hit the sack because knowing Cameron, he will come in and wake my ass up talking about shit which I won't care because I am trying to sleep. I know my sleep is going to be fucked up because of them, they don't give a shit about me and how I feel or the things I do.