I am Such an Idiot

    I am such a stupid fucking idiot, to ever think that he would want to be involved in this. He didn't even want this in the first place, my careless actions threw another burden onto his shoulders and I should be able to understand that there is only so much he wants of this. He was spitting the hints out constantly, and I just ignored them not think anything of it when I should have listened real closely. I had really hoped this would be a girl, so he wouldn't have felt any obligations to having some sort of connection or relationship with her, and maybe I wouldn't have been so bitchy and crazy about stupid child birth classes and trying to get him to come to my appointments with the midwife. I have been so blind and ignorant, naive and obsessing over some strange fantasy that this would bring us closer, that we could go to classes together and he could be involved with this more than just sitting around during the labor. Since I found out it was a boy, I have been so freaked out and scared that he would never love this son like his other sons, that he would never try to have a close relationship like he does with his other sons. This fear has been haunting me since day one of finding out the sex was a boy, I am so scared Dorian won't have much of a relationship with his father. I am so frightened that Cameron won't strive for any kind of connection until Dorian is around 8 or 9 years old.
     Now, thanks to all my fears and insecurities I keep fucking things up between me and Cameron. Stressing him out and forcing him to resent this whole thing and possibly my son. He never wanted this, I am sure he would have been fine with no more kids and I screwed all that up for him.