I can literally feel myself spiraling down, I can feel it physically and mentally just draining away. This last week has probably been the worse, I can barely get up in the mornings, and these last two mornings have been even more difficult- I get myself up around 6:45 a.m and within 5 or 10 minutes I am already feeling drained and tired. There is no end to this, I am 7 months, one week and one day pregnant - still running machines and I can feel my body breaking down, if something doesn't change I am going to end up on bed rest by 36 weeks and maybe even into preterm labor which will have me at the hospital instead of a home birth. If not, then I will most likely go into labor here at the shop while running a machine, wouldn't surprise me if I end up having Dorian here at the shop. I hate complaining and I really, truly hate feeling weak but I have never dealt with this before and it is just painful. I can go to sleep around 9 or 10 pm and still wake up dead tired at 7 a.m, there is nothing I can possibly do to fix this. I am going to be back at the shop and running machines shortly after Dorian is born, he'll be in the office crying and I'll have to check on him every 5 or 10 minutes, I won't even get the regular 6 weeks break like other women do, I will either be right back at the shop within a week or 2..... or having to run the office out of the house.
Honestly, I don't know if I can do this anymore, I don't know how much more I can take and what angers me most is knowing that this stress is hurting my baby, but being out in that shop around that saw and the freaking chemicals isn't helping at all - I am sure something is already fucked up for him and nobody gives a shit but me. I can't believe I honestly thought that I would be off the shop floor around January, I actually thought Cameron would have someone hired in here by now, but obviously that isn't going to happen - I will be out there running a fucking machine all the way up to my due date if I don't end up on bed rest. I have nobody to talk to, no one to vent to except for my journals online - nobody within my knowledge could possibly understand what I am going through right now, they might act like they do but they haven't a fucking clue. I work hard as hell out on the floor, never getting a paycheck, but only to find out I don't even do a good job, 95% of what I have learned in the office has been learned by myself and with so many mistakes, and then the shipping and receiving while learning how to create a system that would function properly 98% of the time by myself with many fucking mistakes. I came into this knowing NOTHING about any of it, but I am constantly reminded that my duties are irrelevant to the business, that anyone could do any and all the things I have learned to do. Then after being at the shop doing what I can, I have to go home, feed the animals, do the dishes, clean up if I have the energy and fix dinner - with only an hour or 2 before 9:30 p.m - 10:00 p.m then having to get my ass up around 7 a.m to a freezing cold house resetting the furnace and taking a shower, doing dishes again, feeding the cats and waking up Cameron and Ethan who get to wake up to a warm, toasty house. Something is about to give, and it isn't anyone else, only instead of just myself I now have a child growing inside of me and depending on me to take care of him....... I don't know how much more I can take, if I am even strong enough to keep bending.
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