Having a Mental Breakdown

     I can literally feel myself spiraling down, I can feel it physically and mentally just draining away. This last week has probably been the worse, I can barely get up in the mornings, and these last two mornings have been even more difficult- I get myself up around 6:45 a.m and within 5 or 10 minutes I am already feeling drained and tired. There is no end to this, I am 7 months, one week and one day pregnant - still running machines and I can feel my body breaking down, if something doesn't change I am going to end up on bed rest by 36 weeks and maybe even into preterm labor which will have me at the hospital instead of a home birth. If not, then I will most likely go into labor here at the shop while running a machine, wouldn't surprise me if I end up having Dorian here at the shop. I hate complaining and I really, truly hate feeling weak but I have never dealt with this before and it is just painful. I can go to sleep around 9 or 10 pm and still wake up dead tired at 7 a.m, there is nothing I can possibly do to fix this. I am going to be back at the shop and running machines shortly after Dorian is born, he'll be in the office crying and I'll have to check on him every 5 or 10 minutes, I won't even get the regular 6 weeks break like other women do, I will either be right back at the shop within a week or 2..... or having to run the office out of the house. 
     Honestly, I don't know if I can do this anymore, I don't know how much more I can take and what angers me most is knowing that this stress is hurting my baby, but being out in that shop around that saw and the freaking chemicals isn't helping at all - I am sure something is already fucked up for him and nobody gives a shit but me. I can't believe I honestly thought that I would be off the shop floor around January, I actually thought Cameron would have someone hired in here by now, but obviously that isn't going to happen - I will be out there running a fucking machine all the way up to my due date if I don't end up on bed rest. I have nobody to talk to, no one to vent to except for my journals online - nobody within my knowledge could possibly understand what I am going through right now, they might act like they do but they haven't a fucking clue. I work hard as hell out on the floor, never getting a paycheck, but only to find out I don't even do a good job, 95% of what I have learned in the office has been learned by myself and with so many mistakes, and then the shipping and receiving while learning how to create a system that would function properly 98% of the time by myself with many fucking mistakes.  I came into this knowing NOTHING about any of it, but I am constantly reminded that my duties are irrelevant to the business, that anyone could do any and all the things I have learned to do. Then after being at the shop doing what I can, I have to go home, feed the animals, do the dishes, clean up if I have the energy and fix dinner - with only an hour or 2 before 9:30 p.m - 10:00 p.m then having to get my ass up around 7 a.m to a freezing cold house resetting the furnace and taking a shower, doing dishes again, feeding the cats and waking up Cameron and Ethan who get to wake up to a warm, toasty house. Something is about to give, and it isn't anyone else, only instead of just myself I now have a child growing inside of me and depending on me to take care of him....... I don't know how much more I can take, if I am even strong enough to keep bending. 

I am Such an Idiot

    I am such a stupid fucking idiot, to ever think that he would want to be involved in this. He didn't even want this in the first place, my careless actions threw another burden onto his shoulders and I should be able to understand that there is only so much he wants of this. He was spitting the hints out constantly, and I just ignored them not think anything of it when I should have listened real closely. I had really hoped this would be a girl, so he wouldn't have felt any obligations to having some sort of connection or relationship with her, and maybe I wouldn't have been so bitchy and crazy about stupid child birth classes and trying to get him to come to my appointments with the midwife. I have been so blind and ignorant, naive and obsessing over some strange fantasy that this would bring us closer, that we could go to classes together and he could be involved with this more than just sitting around during the labor. Since I found out it was a boy, I have been so freaked out and scared that he would never love this son like his other sons, that he would never try to have a close relationship like he does with his other sons. This fear has been haunting me since day one of finding out the sex was a boy, I am so scared Dorian won't have much of a relationship with his father. I am so frightened that Cameron won't strive for any kind of connection until Dorian is around 8 or 9 years old.
     Now, thanks to all my fears and insecurities I keep fucking things up between me and Cameron. Stressing him out and forcing him to resent this whole thing and possibly my son. He never wanted this, I am sure he would have been fine with no more kids and I screwed all that up for him.

Feeling Patriotic to my Forefathers

Quotes I feel strongly for:
"To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of people always possess arms, and be taught alike especially when young, how to use them." (Richard Henry Lee, 1788, Initiator of the Declaration of Independence, and member of the first Senate, which passed the Bill of Rights, Walter Bennett, ed., Letters from the Federal Farmer to the Republican, at 21,22,124 (Univ. of Alabama Press,1975)..)


"Are we at last brought to such humiliating and debasing degradation, that we cannot be trusted with arms for our defense? Where is the difference between having our arms in possession and under our direction, and having them under the management of Congress? If our defense be the real object of having those arms, in whose hands can they be trusted with more propriety, or equal safety to us, as in our own hands?" (Patrick Henry, 3 J. Elliot, Debates in the Several State Conventions 45, 2d ed. Philadelphia, 1836)


"Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force. Whenever you give up that force, you are inevitably ruined" (Patrick Henry, 3 J. Elliot, Debates in the Several State Conventions 45, 2d ed. Philadelphia, 1836)


"The strongest reason for people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." -- (Thomas Jefferson)


And the website for future reference.
http://www.uhuh.com/guns/2ndquotes.htm

Twelve More Weeks

    This Thursday I will be 28 weeks pregnant, right around 7 months along and I don't quite feel that I look 7 months pregnant. The weather has been back and forth, and having to bring Cameron into work in the mornings really suck as we don't get here until 8 or 8:30 a.m and I would really like to try and get here around 7 so I can take Molly for a 30 to 45 minute run/walk, that is of course having to deal with my bladder issues. The only thing I have really been able to keep up on has been the strength training, I haven't done my DVDs for a little over a week though as I don't get home until late and Cameron is with me so there is no way I can use the T.V and do my aerobic workouts. Though I haven't been able to keep up on my run and walking, I think I have been doing pretty good on my weight gain and not losing control over it.
     I keep getting hit by the slight fear, anxiety of how things are going to go once Dorian gets here, will I be able to stick to my workouts, even if they are during 10 - 15 minute spurts while he sleeps.... my main determination will be the plank position and squats, but I definitely want to use my Zumba fitness DVDs and my aerobics kickboxing DVDs. I just hope that I can find a way to fit it all in, even with the exhaustion because I know the smart thing would be to get whatever sleep I can when Dorian sleeps, but I guess I can only say we will see how things go.

A Little Bit of This Sucks

  Great news is that I finally have my very own pistol, bad news is I probably won't be able to shoot it for the next 15 or so weeks. The maximum decibel level for a pregnant woman is around 40, while a pistol is between 125 - 150 decibels. At almost 28 weeks Dorian's ear are 95% developed and being in liquid the sounds are heard and felt so much more and could seriously damage his ears. And that isn't even to mention the lead exposure, which honestly I wonder if I should even be handling bullets right now.....:( I guess it won't kill me to wait though, for the safety of my baby.
  More good news, Preston is finally moving out tonight. Yes we have had our moments, arguing, yelling and screaming but overall it has not been nearly as bad as it could've been and I am very happy for him and Nicole. They've got a really good place for their first time apartment, and not a bad price either. For the 2 of them it is a very cozy, comfortable space as long as they don't go getting pregnant. It wouldn't be a bad thing, but it would make things VERY hard and stressful for them if they were to have a baby within the next 2 years. After that, it probably wouldn't be too bad and they might even marry before then. I hope them both the best of luck, being out on their own AND in their relationship - I am very happy that Preston has found someone he clicks with and is crazy about and I really hope things stay good between them and he ends up marrying her.

So Many Things, So Much Craziness

    One minute things are looking good, or at least tolerable and then the next second I am feeling like the best place to be right now is a hole - seriously. Sometimes it is stressful being a part of a business, instead of just an employee that does what I am supposed to do. On the bright side.... for the moment - we went out and purchased my first handgun yesterday and are working on getting our LTCH permits. Apparently junior is doing pretty well also, so I am grateful for that although I need to remind myself to stop touching so many sweets.... I have no idea why but I think it might be more from boredom at the shop. 
    I just heard of a man who ran with Team 13 and a lot of runners knew him, his heart gave out while running. He was 89 years old, and still out running a lot of miles - his first marathon was in 2010 when he was 87 years old. I haven't ran in 2 or 3 weeks and I haven't even been able to do my DVDs this week, now that I am having to drive Cameron home also and take him in. This is really beginning to get on my nerves, he just had to go and destroy the jeep's tail light assembly so now it can't be driven and he won't fix his stupid fucking truck. I am getting sick of these late nights at the shop.

Twenty-Six Weeks Today

   I am 26 weeks along today, trying to handle my lack of patience but it is difficult as I have very little. Last night my husband informed me that we were going to be filing for our Lifetime Carry Permits, because he feels safer if I have more protection on me than just a knife or pepper spray. This morning I registered both of us and we have an appointment to get our fingerprints taken care of next Wednesday, and hopefully not long after that we will get our permits and then go and purchase our pistols. Then we will be going to the indoor ranges, or wherever to practice so that we aren't just a bunch of idiots with a gun that wouldn't know how to use them in a real situation. I wonder if they have classes for training people under pressure, that would be nice as it is a very different situation then just going to a range and standing there shooting at a target.
   Fifteen more weeks before I see my baby, this wait is a bit much for me and it wouldn't be too bad if I had a room to make into his nursery while I am waiting. I have bought the stroller/car seat, the baby cradle n swing, I have the infant bath tub from my aunt, another car seat from her as well. Maybe I can get my mind off of this wait, somehow. I am enjoying my Zumba DVD and my Aerobics Kickboxing, I just wish I had my punching bag right now as that would burn a lot of calories and keep me moving.

So Many Things are Going to Change

   In just a few short months so many things are going to change, so many things are going to be different. I am kind of nervous, anxious and a little worried about everything as nothing is certain and things are going to get very crazy. I am also very excited, so many new things and new experiences with life and a baby. Even though I have tried to plan how things are going to go down and how my schedule will be, I am sure things are always going to change it and have me off balance constantly. My main plan is to run the Half Marathon in October, about 6 months after my baby's birth, my only question and worries is "will I be able to do it..." and "can I prove that it won't take a year to get the pregnancy weight off?" 
   I just hope that I can keep up the work outs whenever possible, along with the breastfeeding that women claim can take a lot of the weight off. I have quite a few DVDs lined up, 10 minute aerobic/cardio workouts that I can just turn around and repeat if I have the time during the baby's naps and quiet times. Fourteen weeks to go, hopefully I can keep up a lot of my workouts so that my body won't have a real hard time bouncing back.
   Just a few thoughts these last couple of days, concerns and curiosity on how I am going to do with parenting and keeping my own lifestyle going without losing what sanity I have left lol.