Miserable, Sick and Just Blahh...

   I honestly don't know how much more standing all day at a machine I can take, not only is my back hurting and my left leg hurting but now I am coming down with some sort of cold. I figured I would get some sort of cold this year, but I always seem to forget how miserable it really is to have the sniffles, be coughing and feeling like total crap. I am hardly getting any sleep these days, my body is sore and I can't find a comfortable position, let alone my stupid nose and throat. Knowing my luck, I am going to end up standing all of December and probably January running a stupid ass machine all day.
   I haven't ran in over 2 weeks now, and I need to start something even if it is taking Molly or Rocky for a walk in the mornings, a 3 mile walk with a few little runs in there. I might start doing that, take Molly on Monday mornings, take Rocky on Tuesday mornings if I don't go to the gym, then Molly on Wednesday mornings, Rocky on Thursday mornings, and Molly on Friday mornings.

Reached the Halfway Mark Yesterday

   Yesterday I reached 5 months pregnant, 20 weeks along which is halfway there with 4 months to go. I decided to weigh myself, just to see how much I have gained since getting pregnant. Amazingly I have only gained 5 lbs, weighing around 140 lbs naked and in my underwear, of course that was before the Thanksgiving Dinners. It was great seeing the family yesterday, and holding little Landon Thomas who was born just Monday. And then we came home for our dinner which Steph made it all, mainly because she thinks she is some real fine cook but her food tastes pretty average if not less, while leaving a whole mess behind her which Cameron's mom and I had to clean up. I knew my mom was coming, but it was nice to see Shauna and Skyler with her, I honestly didn't think Shauna would try and show up. I really hope we don't work today, I am so tired and would like to just chill today even though I think I might have to go shop for some cat litter which really sucks as it is black Friday and so many crazy, rude and thoughtless people are out driving around rushing to buy crap on sale and running other people over. Anyways, if I don't have to run machines today I might just relax for a bit this morning.

The Good and the Bad

  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, tomorrow is the day I tell my family the gender of my baby. I am so excited and hope that my Applesauce Jello turns out great because that is how I am going to tell them, and it would just suck majorly if it didn't turn out right. This morning a number that was definitely out of the U.S. called my phone, and out of suspicion and thinking it was some scam or other bullshit I didn't answer. We got an email from a South African Gun Dealership interested in our products, a very large quantity of our products - Cameron was immediately pissed off because I didn't answer the phone along with our landlord for the business stating that he hasn't gotten our check yet which I had almost forgotten about and sent out 2 days ago. Yeah things are just about to the point where I might have to find another job, and if I have to leave the "family" business then that means things can only get worse between me and Cameron just from the tension of that.
    I haven't ran in over a week, I have not worked out this week so things kind of suck. I have been keeping up with my lunges though, and plan on doing a bit tomorrow morning before we leave and as I am cleaning up the house some. Hopefully tomorrow goes well, compared to today's incidents.

Life Looks to Only Get Worse

   I don't know anymore, I just don't know how much more I can take and it is really weighing down on me now. I am being told that since becoming pregnant my hormones and moods have just abruptly sky rocketed out of control, but I have not noticed much difference from before pregnancy. It is just stressful and driving me to a point of madness that I cannot bare much longer. I feel as if I must tip toe and watch my p's and q's even more so than before, letting others walk all over me while I stay quiet and take it all. I feel as if I am not allowed to have an opinion, let alone emotions or moods without being threatened and made to feel like a total bitch. I just don't know what to do anymore, because I don't see any real change in my moods, I mean yes I have been feeling more overwhelmed and distraught with so many things going through my mind, so many worries and concerns that I feel are already out of my control but I do not feel as though any of that as affected my moods or increased them. Hopeless and at a loss now more than ever, I not only have a child on the way but 4 cats in my care and an senior dog, with nowhere but my jeep for shelter if things go south between me and Cameron...... it has been a very long time since I felt this much grief and pain, the desire to give up is getting stronger and I do not know if I have it in me to keep going anymore. And what makes it worse is the fact that today is our Wedding Anniversary and it has been nothing but a shitty day already.

Supposed to Be Happy - But Sad

  I am supposed to be happy and excited about my pregnancy, but something is getting in the way. About 3 weeks ago we rescued a small, young cat from outside on our loading dock, within a couple of days she went from not letting us within 4 feet of her to rubbing all over us and calling for our attention. We have had her home with us for 2 weeks now, and she not gotten used to pooping in a litter box with a topper, and my husband is losing his patience. We knew we were going to be finding a home for her, and that it would take a bit to do that but this isn't easy if she is going to be messing in the house. I don't want to have to take her to the shelter where she will be caged all day with little human contact, when she is so loving and such a sweet heart. My mom says she'll take her, but other than the fact being my mom's house isn't even safe for humans, this house is a matchbox just waiting to be set on fire (long story, too much to tell) and she has 2 dogs and a cat already. The Pit Bull is a dummy, but it is the rat terrier I am worried about, she plays with the other cat who has no claws so when he smack at her, she doesn't get hurt. Jax (our rescue cat) is still getting used to dogs, and I know would use her claws if she felt endangered, and I am just scared that this dog would try to kill her as she tortured the family dog up until her death (the dog my mom got when I was 7 and still had up until about 2 or 3 years ago). I am just so worried, I contacted P.A.A.W.S who is a no kill fostering program and am hoping that they will find her a foster home, I will even donate $150.00 for her care. 
  I dont' know, I have always felt this responsibility towards animals in need and I feel that if I can't find her a safe home then I have failed her..... and then I will be scared with any future rescues. Ugh, I should be happy right now but I am down and depressed!!!!!!

This is becoming a Pain

  To say the least, being on my feet all day and running a machine is not helping these new sore spots. My lower back has began to hurt, probably started last Friday and I tried not to notice, now it is just annoying to be on my feet. Once I get back out there (on lunch right now) I will hopefully only have an hour or so more and then be finished, I don't know if I can take much more of this and yet I know I have no choice but it is just annoying damn it.

Things Are Looking Up

     Things are definitely looking up, I called the Lasting Impressions this morning and was able to get an appointment in next Monday. I am going to know the sex before Thanksgiving which is really exciting and definitely brightens my day up. I have a week to wait, which is going to be very challenging as I am pretty impatient. I really don't mind which sex it is, but the only reason I am hoping and praying for a girl is because my gut/intuition keeps saying girl and that is what I have stood by when talking or arguing with others about. I will feel quite a bit stupid if I find out it is a boy, I will never hear the end of it from my husband or his mother about how right they were. Haha, anyways I am just excited to be going and finding out before Thanksgiving.
   I really want to have my baby bump, but it looks like it could be a couple more weeks before I really start showing a bump. Not only that but I really want my baby in my arms right now, this is going to be the hardest, most challenging test on my patience ever because I am very ADHD and very impatient as it is.

18 Weeks Pregnant

   Today I am 18 weeks pregnant, feeling sore down below but I will blame that on Cameron this morning, or at least that is what makes sense right now. I've got Xena at the office with us, she has to wear an infant onsie to keep her from messing with the new stitches. Wednesday I ran on the treadmill, the wind was blowing like crazy and I knew if I tried to run outside I would end up being blown off my feet. I am trying to be patient about the ultrasound, which is a week from next Tuesday and I am so excited.
   I've got to get out on the machine, so I can't type too much right now.

Almost at 18 Weeks and I feel Movement!!!

    There is no confusion to this now, this isn't gas or stomach rumbling, I am definitely feeling the movements of my baby!!!! They kind of feel like those butterflies, but a bit more bubbly..... actually I can't really describe the feeling because I have never felt this before. I know some people will say it isn't movement of the baby, but I know different!
    On another note, I didn't get to do my run this morning because Xena has been determined to mess with her stitches, she pulled one finally and now the incision on her stomach is open. So I had to take her back to the vet, they are keeping her over night to redo the stitches and put a cone on her, then more sedatives and antibiotics. I am worrying over her so much right now, I hate knowing that she is stuck in a cage wondering what happened and if she is ever going to see home, I hope she doesn't think I abandoned her.
    Maybe tomorrow morning I can do my run, I am not really too worried on keeping it on Tuesdays and Thursdays anymore, just as long as I can get my runs in during the week.

Oh How I Love It

    It is amazing how a decent day can go to complete shit with just one word from him, always treating me like shit and a low life idiot. Not only that, but on my birthday which he has not wished me or even acknowledged it so far but made sure to make me feel worthless and stupid. Yay for my day, now I just wish it was done and over with so I can forget about this unhappy, shitty day like the others I try to forget about which is just about every single fucking day with him. I am not even going to bother reminding him or hinting about what today is, fuck him if he never notices as usual because he has done ruined it anyways.
   On a side note, I am 17 weeks along today which should be special and make me feel good but hey oh well because I am not allowed to feel like a human being but a worthless toad. Freaking asshole.
   So far, around 14 people on facebook have wished me a Happy Birthday, 90% of them I have never met in person or talked to in my life. That was beginning to make me feel good up until Super Asshole had to ruin it.