Fighting That Demons Once More

   Last weekend, my husband decided that in order to boost Chaos sales we needed to have a sexy girl model the Chaos AK47 Titan Quad Rail and become the "Chaos" Girl. When he spoke those words, it immediately tore through me - not so much for the fact but because by not saying it he told me I wasn't and will never be good enough to be the "Chaos" girl or to model off his gun products. From that point on, all his words meant nothing - all his "you're so sexy, you turn me on", "blah blah blah blah blah" is all I hear now. Since then, the demons I had buried a while back and had to fight with during pregnancy and subdue them after pregnancy, those demons are back and stronger than ever. I try to ignore them, I try to just get out and run or do hard work outs that hurt like hell and cause me to be sore the next couple of days - but nothing helps shut them out. I am the photographer who gets to do the shooting session, and I get to work with the model but that only reminds me that I will forever have to face the fact that I am not good enough and will never be good enough, every time I'll see her face, her body on the website and facebook page, every time I'll have to hear him talk to others about her and gloat about how sexy she is - I will be reminded of how I am not, I am nowhere close to her league and never will be. I will never be skinny enough, never have the breasts (no breasts at all actually), I will never be as stunningly beautiful and sexy as she or any other woman in her league. I will have to face these demons every fucking, god damn day after the shoot and the photos are finished and ready to be put up. And knowing that he will use her image and body to pleasure himself and get off makes it so much worse to deal with, because she will have been in the shop and around him. Not some make believe chick from a movie or porn but a real woman, a young woman that lives here in Evansville and can be reached anytime he desires. This isn't like my celebrity crushes of men I will never meet or will NEVER be interested in me, but real and within his reach. That truth, that knowledge makes this pill almost impossible to swallow, and I honestly don't know if I will be able to. I cannot talk to him about it, he'll yell at me about my insecurities and get really shitty with me. I have to pretty much keep it inside of me.

Rocky had a Seizure Last Night

   Last night around 10 p.m, Rocky began to have a seizure. He didn't lose control of his bladder, but all the muscles in his body started spasming and at one point he even try to claw at his face. I later found a large tick on the floor which Cameron thinks was on his mouth and he was trying to get it off. He was drooling a lot, so I called the animal ER and they said it was most likely a seizure caused by maybe something he got into. He had just gone outside twice that evening, and we're pretty sure he got into something out there though not sure what. I also noticed he was looking especially fat or bloated in the abdomen.
   About 20-25 minutes after the seizure he ended up puking up what looked like his 3 meals he had today. Cameron and I both decided that from now on he isn't allowed to roam free outside and will have to be put on a lead, since we are not sure what he got into.
   This morning I went ahead and took him for our run on the trails, we ran 7 miles and he did great, no issues. I then took him over the riverbank for no real reason, I just wanted to watch the sun rise. Rocky has poor judgement when comes to depth perception and water, as he was trying to get down to get a drink he fell in. I tried to coax him towards a spot where he could get out, but he wouldn't listen and kept trying to climb up a spot where the water is a foot below the bank. Within seconds after he fell in, I realized he was going to climb out by himself and I could tell he was already getting tired and ready to give up. I dropped my phone and reached down and grabbed him by his collar and the scruff of his neck, and I pulled him out. It was a scary experience, for sure.