Wednesday, March 27, 2013

So far as of Today

  I am reminded how glad and thankful I am that Cameron told his mom she isn't going with us to St. Louis next week, she is having her sick and dizzy episodes everyday now so I know it would have been a complete disaster on the way up there and during the whole trip and I would have either missed my race or suffered miserable during it. 
  I am already getting supplies for Dorian's birthday party, it is going to be Nemo themed and awesome even though he most likely won't remember any of it except for when looking through the photos. I know he'll jump right into his cake, he won't even wait a minute to do it. Of course it is going to be one hell of a mess afterwards, so he will most likely be in just a diaper when it's time to eat his cake.
  Lord, I just about had heart attack a little bit ago. I had to run to the bathroom and Dorian was sitting in his high chair watching a movie, apparently he started crying and screaming  while Cameron was on the phone, so Alice (Cameron's mom) comes into my office and gets him out of his high chair. I come in and for a few seconds all I can see is that he isn't in high chair, he is crying and my first thought was he fell out. Once I saw that she barely had a hold of him in my chair, it didn't make me feel any better. She's been having her dizzy/sick episodes all day and she could have dropped him during the struggle, he could have struggled when she was getting him out of the high chair and caused her to drop him midway which could have broken his leg or arm. Of course Cameron didn't see it as a big deal, but thankfully nothing bad happened.

Monday, March 25, 2013

An Okay Weekend

  This weekend wasn't bad, I ran 6.2 miles in my new shoes and it wasn't bad except for my foot still hurts. Dorian has been walking all over the place today (well, in the living room) and at the roller rink during Ariana's birthday party. I really enjoyed myself on the rink in my inline skates, I miss rollerblading and I wonder if that would be a good alternative to running right now until the Half Marathon. My foot doesn't hurt at all during rollerblading, like it does when I run right now and I need to keep up the mileage.  
   Edited as of Monday: I did not go rollerblading today as I had a lot of things to do at work and Dorian was a huge distraction AND it was wet and snowing. The good news is my foot really didn't hurt at all during the day, except for minor soreness when I went to Sam's Club and was walking around. I'm contemplating an easy 5 mile run tomorrow evening just to see how things are feeling, but it will all depend on how my foot does throughout the day. I am hoping this is a good sign and that there wasn't any serious damage done to my foot, just some agitation and bruising that might be going away. I am also seriously thinking of buying another pair of the Asics Gel-GT2000, to have a total of four and maybe buying 3 more pairs 2-3 months from now just in case they stop making this model or try to improve on it. But I haven't really made up my mind yet, because of the amount of money I would be spending just this year in shoes, Cameron would freaking kill me.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Had a Close Call Yesterday


  After thinking about it and then discussing with Cameron, I decided that I am not running the Flying Pig Half in May. I don't feel comfortable going out of state with my son, and not being allowed to carry my gun. If it were just me going, then I wouldn't have a problem with it but I have my son's life in my hands and I just don't feel comfortable about it. I thought about finding another race in May, but I am not too worried about it as I think I might try and run 3 Half Marathons this Fall, one in October, one in November and one either one in September or one if December. I'd like to have 4 Half Marathons under my belt this year but I won't fret if it only ends up being 3 because that is still better than just one a year.
  Yesterday was a close call, I started talking to Cameron's mom (Alice, though I call her Nana) about Dorian being sick and how I am hoping that he gets over his cold before the trip to St. Louis. Ugh, my big mouth. She started complaining to Cameron how she would like to go with us, how she is never invited to anything. Cameron didn't say anything really and she went on about her business. A few hours later she comes in all excited, that she has an idea how she can go with us and not be in the way, her sister Lois would pick her up from the hotel and she would stay with her. Just a few problems:

  1. She has been have serious sick episodes here a lot lately, and was beginning to have one yesterday and the day before.
  2. She will start fights with Cameron, she acts like a brat sometimes and just isn't pleasant to be stuck with for a couple of hours in a vehicle
  3. She could very well start a fight with Lois and end up at our hotel room.
  4. She just invited herself.
First issue, as I told everyone else is if she were to get sick and force me to miss my race, I would never forgive her and I would never forget about it. I would drive everyone around crazy for months, even years or at least until the next race. That was all Cameron had to hear before he called her and told her no, she got all pissy and started pouting but he ignored it and told her that I've been training for 6 months for this race and it would be bullshit if I miss it because of one of her sick episodes. And even if she didn't have a sick episode, she could start a fight with Lois or something come up with Lois and we would be stuck with her, I would be miserable and my race would probably suffer from the stress. She would most likely act like a total brat about everything and make everyone miserable, and then get defensive when she felt attacked or picked on.
But thankfully my husband understands how I feel about my races and he saved the day, though I owe him big time now and it won't be very pleasant for me haha but I don't care. He saved me from what would have undoubtedly been a miserable weekend and race for me and everyone else. It sucks to feel this way about my mother-in-law (though everyone else around her likes the "quality time" to be limited as well), but she just isn't pleasant after an hour or so, she is pushy, bratty and loud mouthed about her opinions. The only reason my mom is coming is because she isn't any of that, and she helps to watch Dorian so I can sleep and rest. There would be absolutely no sleep whatsoever is Alice went with us, which would make for horrible race and weekend.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Having to Accept the Inevitable

  After today's horrible walk with Cameron, I have pretty much come to terms that I am going to have to accept the fact that he won't be apart of any activity or outdoor adventure Dorian and I will have. Granted, 3 miles is nothing to me even when walking it so I might have assumed that it wouldn't be a big deal for him. I was wrong, we didn't even reach 1 mile before he was pissed off and wanting to turn around, the old injury in his foot killing him. Then calling me a bitch, stupid, idiot and everything else for dragging him out there and thinking he would be able to do 3 miles uphills and shit. I did make a couple of mistakes:

  1. Assuming he could handle 3 miles
  2. Taking him on the route that has some pretty big and steep inclines
  3. Kept pushing for 3 miles even when he said his calves and foot was killing him.
  4. Asking him to join me on the walk
   Not anymore though, I am done asking him to join me on any of these outings. I have tried to help him, I have tried to advise him on ways to start getting into shape and beginning a healthier lifestyle and he has just ignored me. I could help his injury heal, I could slow down or plan certain days for him and me and Dorian to go for small walks starting with a mile BUT the problem is he rarely wants to do anything, if he isn't in his office chair at work then he is at home in his recliner watching a movie. And it doesn't help that his lazy sons and lazy fat ass daughter tell him that he is fine, that he isn't fat and all that bullshit. I am so fucking sick and tired of their bullshit, they aren't the ones married to him, they aren't having sex with him... I am! I had to hear the threats of divorce and insults when I was fat...ter, and I made changes for him, for me and prove him and everyone else wrong and that I could do it. But I should feel ashamed for feeling that he needs to lose weight, or start getting fit and healthy, or that I am really not turned on by him anymore. He's already weighing between 213-220 lbs, and between 30-38% of that is body fat while I am right around 26-27% body fat, why the fuck should I work my ass off to look good and be healthy while he just sits on his ass eating junk food and doing nothing?
  It's just bullshit, but there is nothing I can do without ruining or hurting my son's future or fighting for custody. I guess I could set up life insurance for when he kills over before Dorian even reaches 10, at least that way we'll be safe and sound because lord knows the business won't survive in Ethan's hands without Cameron there.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

It's been 3 Months Since Molly

  Yesterday marked 3 months since Molly passed away, since I lost my best friend. I think about her everyday, remembering her at her best and worse. How she loved running through the woods and being free, her wild spirit that was strong even to the end of her life. No other dog is ever going to come close to her in comparison, no other dog is ever going to take her place.
  I went running on some trails at USI today, and I know she would have loved being out there in the woods. It is still so hard to believe that she is actually gone, she had been a huge part of my life for more than half my life and it is now so empty with her being gone. Dorian has helped a lot though, if he wasn't here I probably would have already done something really stupid and I know Molly knew that which is why she waited until he came into my life. I knew a couple of years ago that Molly wouldn't leave me until she knew there was something else in my life that would keep me here, and when I became pregnant with Dorian I knew her time was close. 
 I just wish I had treated her better in her last year, I wish I had been more patient and understanding of her slowing down. I am always going to wonder if she forgave me, and my heart will always hurt.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Today Kind of Sucked

  To start off a sucky morning, I didn't run my trail race due to exhaustion and my legs still not feeling up to it. I felt pretty crappy about that but I am telling myself it was a good decision not to. Tomorrow morning I hope to go for an easy 4 mile trail run at the USI trails, as long as my legs are feeling okay.
  Then to make the day worse, while giving Dorian a bath he decided to try and drown himself. Not exactly but as he still hasn't figured out that inhaling is not the same as drinking, that is what he did. I had the bathwater a little deeper than I should have, up to his belly button which gave him quicker access to leaning forward and drinking the bath water which he ended up inhaling before I could pull him back up to a sitting position for THIRD time, he started shaking and coughing and I started freaking out. I grabbed him up out of the water and started patting, slapping and thumping his back, I could have sworn he started to turn blue before he finally started breathing normal and stopped coughing. I was shaking then, we were all alone and I was so scared that my little boy was going to drown or suffocate, whatever you want to call it when they're no longer in the water but still dealing with the effects. Luckily he was fine, but from now on the bathwater will be no more than maybe 2-3 inches deep.
  Other than that, things have been okay today. Dorian seems to have issues with getting his diaper changed especially on his back (pretty much the ONLY way to do it), so that is usually a fight, especially if he's got a poopy diaper. I cannot wait until he is potty trained and using a toilet, or until he can understand words and maybe understand when I say no or knock it off.