Not Sure What to Do

  I honestly don't know if I am just being paranoid or if I have valid reasons to think something is going on, not so much the late nights at the shop but other things. The fact that on everything like his phone, his nook, kindle, and probably downstairs computer has porn immediately in the google search. Then this last Tuesday night he calls to tell me he is going to go to Cross Eyed Cricket for dinner, doesn't even invite me to see if I want to go (I ended up eating a burger from Steak & Shake). His sudden obsession with Miley Skankin Cyrus (my issue is that she is such trash, not really attractive and her music sucks.......... that is what is driving me crazy). And then last night he forgot to put his truck in park up on the hill (the top of our driveway), leaves in 2nd gear and it rolls down the hill...... not a big deal with most people but with HIM that is a huge deal because he doesn't normally do shit like that...... unless something is on his mind and has him extremely distracted. Then this morning, as he is leaving for the shop he tells me Bob Sisson is coming to the shop and he's taking him to lunch...... Friday is the shop lunch day, we go somewhere all 4 of us together, not to mention he and the boys went to Cross Eyed Cricket Tuesday night without inviting me (I am assuming the boys went). I get stuck going to Fazoli's, get back and Bob isn't here yet but Cameron heads on out so I assume he was meeting Bob somewhere........ though my gut (or paranoia) is telling me it's not Bob he is meeting, and even if he is meeting Bob it is most likely at Cross Eyed Cricket where there is this "hot" waitress working there that he drools over, which would be why he didn't invite me Tuesday night or any other time he has gone out at night. If I stay as late at the shop as he and the boys do, he would have me go and get them something rather than us go out. Also, I can't assume that the boys would tell him that he is wrong to be cheating, because I know their fucked up loyalty to each other no matter wrong or right and they would just keep their mouths quiet about it.
   Okay so going outside I guess Bob came to pick him up, because his truck is still here but still that doesn't make any difference and nobody saw who picked him up anyways. I just can't get this feeling out of my gut, I don't know if it's paranoia with the anxieties of waiting for the half marathon next Saturday, or if he really is up to something. It hurts though, to think about him having an affair... especially with all that is going on, our beautiful son, the business, our 10 year anniversary just a week ago, and not knowing what the future will hold for us, mankind and the Earth itself. With everything going on, I can't imagine why on Earth he would suddenly be having an affair, or just stalking someone or something.......... Is it just paranoia? Should I bring it up, or just leave it alone and keep chugging along?

My Husband's Weight Loss

  For the first time in maybe 4-5 years my husband is finally under 200 lbs thanks to working on the Chandler property, back in July when he started on it he weighed 217 lbs and as of this morning he weighs 199 lbs. I am so proud of him!
 Back in July he made the decision to buy the Chandler property off his brother for a few reasons; 1: because our son was born here, 2: Molly, my best friend of 13 years is buried here on the back of the property, and 2: he knew fixing up the property would help him lose weight.... $90,000 to lose weight is my joke to him. Back in July he started working on cutting trees down and cleaning the place up, he weighed 217 lbs, I'd say he worked a total of 20 days in July, August maybe 15 due to heat and humidity. Well he started back out there 3 days ago in a hurry to use the bucket truck to cut limbs and trees down so he could sell the bucket truck and wood chipper and get back his money. As of this morning he weighed himself at 199 lbs, I am so proud of him... part of me wishes he had become my running partner but I understand that running isn't his thing and he doesn't enjoy the usual workout routine so if breaking his back, sweating gallons of water and getting eaten alive by poison ivy is what helps him lose weight then I guess I am okay with that 

   Other than the threat of whatever our government is planning and the fate of the world and most importantly the fate of America in question, things have been going pretty well. Cameron is looking or scoping out boats, honestly as much as a part of me would like a good boat with a cabin and everything, I ain't in any hurry.
  Dorian is growing so fast, he is so beautiful and such an amazing little boy. He's into biting now, which I am sure I am going to have to start curbing immediately before it gets out of hand. He loves tossing the ball, or anything really and he has a new love of regular milk. My little guy hasn't been feeling to well these last couple of days, though today he is feeling a bit better and much happier.
  

Sometimes I Seriously Wonder

  I guess I am used to the slightly large house and property we have been renting from my brother-in-law since January of 2010, but the idea of moving into a smaller, even somewhat shabby house isn't very appealing to me. I don't care if we'd be buying it cash outright, I've got 4 cats and a dog and Cameron is wanting another dog in a year, the house we live in now is barely big enough to house these animals without stinking and they're not allowed downstairs, in the garage or the bedrooms really. I was also hoping that the next house would have a room that I could have some exercise equipment in, maybe a treadmill and I could hang my medals and bibs but all Cameron cares about is that it has a room or garage for their band shit AND whatever extra room in the house would immediately be the "recording room". Then it would be nice to have a house where we can keep the litter boxes out of sight, maybe a pantry where the laundry room is but none of that matters as long as he owns a house. If I comment or am reluctant about anything he is excited about, then I don't appreciate anything or I am not thinking ahead into the future and women just can't see the diamond in the dirt.......... no I am just thinking about all of it, now, past and future and about the animals and my son and myself as well. He also has plans of "helping" his other children buy their houses as well, which isn't so bad but Stephanie is never going to fix her life and he will always be throwing money down that pit.
  He then talks about how he can work on the house, remodel or add to it.......... and how putting more money in can bring up the value if he wanted to sell it later in the future, yeah there's been so many successful homeowner sales in the last couple of years. I just don't to be stuck in a house, area for the rest of who knows how long and not even like the place. I just don't like diving into an unknown, renting just feels easier and there really isn't any commitment to it. It's just nerve wracking to know I really don't have any say in this, it doesn't matter how I feel or think of a house that looks like crap or whatever, because it's cheap and that is all that matters to him. Sometimes being in this family really sucks, because situations like this just remind me that I am still pretty much an outsider with no real opinion or voice, but coincidentally married to the top dog...

So Far in My Life

  So far life has taken me on an amazing journey and it has gotten even better since Dorian has come into my life, granted I don't get as much sleep as I used to but his smiles and personality make up for it. My little angel is going to be a year old in just a little over a week, he has been walking since March 12 and is already trying to run which is just awesome. He will spend hours at home in the evening walking, and trying to run; if he falls down then he will get back up either by himself or using the couch or recliner to pull himself up and do it all over again. This little guy wants to walk, run and climb faster than his body is capable yet, and it has been an awesome experience watching him. I am going to miss this little guy so much when he's gone, I tear up just thinking about the little guy he used to be but isn't anymore and I miss it already. I love how he'll look up at me and smile, or want a kiss and then laugh, I love how his eyes shine with so much happiness and love. I hope and pray that I can keep him safe for as long as he depends on me, I hope I can build his character and assist him in growing to become a strong, kind-hearted man that knows right from wrong and isn't afraid to walk his own path and sometimes against the current of others. I love this little boy so much, a love I could never imagine before I first looked into his eyes.
   My first Half Marathon of 2013 is coming up just around the corner, actually I am pretty much on the same block as it now. The St. Louis Half Marathon is this Sunday, and I am so excited and a little nervous though not like I used to be. I feel like a Thoroughbred kicking at the starting gate, ready to run free and strong, and as fast as my legs will allow me and my heart desires. The last two Half Marathons had something going on, and the first that never happened was my most serious injury so far and it taught me a lot. The first Half was when I was 13 weeks pregnant and I had the ongoing sensation of needing to pee the whole race so I never really picked up the pace like I wanted and I made 5 bathroom stops along the way losing an overall 10 minutes on my time. The second Half last year I endured an injury to my groin or quad most likely due to starting up my training too soon after giving birth when my body still needed time to heal and recover. This year is different, I am more than ready for this race; I have trained hard and smart all Winter and this time it is going to be much different.
  

So far as of Today

  I am reminded how glad and thankful I am that Cameron told his mom she isn't going with us to St. Louis next week, she is having her sick and dizzy episodes everyday now so I know it would have been a complete disaster on the way up there and during the whole trip and I would have either missed my race or suffered miserable during it. 
  I am already getting supplies for Dorian's birthday party, it is going to be Nemo themed and awesome even though he most likely won't remember any of it except for when looking through the photos. I know he'll jump right into his cake, he won't even wait a minute to do it. Of course it is going to be one hell of a mess afterwards, so he will most likely be in just a diaper when it's time to eat his cake.
  Lord, I just about had heart attack a little bit ago. I had to run to the bathroom and Dorian was sitting in his high chair watching a movie, apparently he started crying and screaming  while Cameron was on the phone, so Alice (Cameron's mom) comes into my office and gets him out of his high chair. I come in and for a few seconds all I can see is that he isn't in high chair, he is crying and my first thought was he fell out. Once I saw that she barely had a hold of him in my chair, it didn't make me feel any better. She's been having her dizzy/sick episodes all day and she could have dropped him during the struggle, he could have struggled when she was getting him out of the high chair and caused her to drop him midway which could have broken his leg or arm. Of course Cameron didn't see it as a big deal, but thankfully nothing bad happened.

An Okay Weekend

  This weekend wasn't bad, I ran 6.2 miles in my new shoes and it wasn't bad except for my foot still hurts. Dorian has been walking all over the place today (well, in the living room) and at the roller rink during Ariana's birthday party. I really enjoyed myself on the rink in my inline skates, I miss rollerblading and I wonder if that would be a good alternative to running right now until the Half Marathon. My foot doesn't hurt at all during rollerblading, like it does when I run right now and I need to keep up the mileage.  
   Edited as of Monday: I did not go rollerblading today as I had a lot of things to do at work and Dorian was a huge distraction AND it was wet and snowing. The good news is my foot really didn't hurt at all during the day, except for minor soreness when I went to Sam's Club and was walking around. I'm contemplating an easy 5 mile run tomorrow evening just to see how things are feeling, but it will all depend on how my foot does throughout the day. I am hoping this is a good sign and that there wasn't any serious damage done to my foot, just some agitation and bruising that might be going away. I am also seriously thinking of buying another pair of the Asics Gel-GT2000, to have a total of four and maybe buying 3 more pairs 2-3 months from now just in case they stop making this model or try to improve on it. But I haven't really made up my mind yet, because of the amount of money I would be spending just this year in shoes, Cameron would freaking kill me.