Today Blows Major

   I am ready for the day to be over, scrapping up to $400 worth of parts because I stacked them too high. Now Cameron is pissed off at me, I am on a roll and so close to being fired. I don't want to lose this privilege of being able to have Dorian with me all day, I don't think I could trust anyone else with him all day and that would consume me everyday where I wouldn't be able to get anything done. I don't feel good anymore, my stomach hurts and I am hungry but I don't want to eat, I just want to get back into bed and lay there with my knees drawn up. I am not going to get to run today, that stupid concert is tonight and I am only going half way through it because it is 7 hours long and I am not going to be away from Dorian that long. It starts at 5 but I won't leave for it until about 8 p.m, mom is expected to come out to the house at 8 but I might see if she can come out around 7 p.m so I can run my 4 miles and then take a shower and head to the concert unless I decide not to go at all. After earlier, I really don't want to go. I don't want to miss 4 hours with my son after today, when I am so close to losing my job here and then having to find a babysitter for Dorian.
    At 6:30-7 p.m I might take Dorian with me out for a little run depending on his mood and how I feel. If I can get just 2 miles in, that is better than nothing at all, though I would prefer 4 miles. I guess we'll just have to see how things go today, if I can't run then I might just dance around the living room while he is asleep. Try and get 1 hour of dancing in to make up for no running.
   I just want today to be over with, I want to go home and sleep.

When will the Weight Start Falling Off

  I am about to lose my mind, my patience is already gone and I am beginning to run out of sanity. I am almost 4 months post pregnant and still 150 lbs, and have probably gained more. I have cut my calorie goal on myfitnesspal.com from 2490 to 2100 a few weeks ago, because I couldn't make it to 2490 calories a day, my milk supply hasn't decreased but neither has my weight. I am up to 4 miles now, 2 times a week and my long run this Saturday will be 5 miles. I just want to know when I will start losing these 15 lbs, when will I start getting back the body I used to have because right now it just doesn't look like it is going to happen within the next year. I did a lot of strength training back in 2010 to lose the weight, weighing 155 lbs in February and weighing myself in May at 134 lbs, losing 21 lbs in 3 months and now I can't go to a gym and I know that is the only way I am going to lose this weight. Dorian will probably be 5 years old before I can start going to a gym and working out, I am going to be 151 lbs or whatever for years now, again living the life of a fat ass, chubby woman.
   This running isn't helping at all, I figured once I got pass 3 miles that I would slowly start thinning out but nothing has happened. My first 3 miles was almost a month ago, on June 30 and you would think with the low calories and the breast pumping that I would be losing weight. This is just very discouraging, 

A little bit of Everything

  Dorian is beautiful, growing so well and getting so close to crawling and he loves doing his baby talk, interacting with everyone around him. Life is slowly getting more balanced, though there have been a few surprises at work that have shown me how much I need to get more organized and better at what I do. My running is doing well, I am past 3 miles now and slowly moving ever so closer to my goal of two 5 mile runs during the week and one long run that will be between 8-12 miles. I am excited, hopefully I won't have anymore "interruptions" and can keep a steady 15-20 mpw throughout winter if we have a nice mild winter like this last one. I hope to do a full Marathon in the next year or two, my biggest goal is to do ultra marathons but trail ones as I love trails. I'd like to do at least one Utra Marathon a year, within the next 5 years.

Barely Hanging on

  I am to the point, actually I am just about beyond that point an I am about to jump off of it. I am sick of looking in the mirror, I am sick of my jiggly ass fat stomach and my thick, fatty thighs that will never go away. The only thing that helps me deal with this is running, so when I can't run, I slowly begin to lose my mind and want so badly to start ripping at my flesh, just scratching and cutting at this ugliness. I am at the mercy of this weather, this bullshit, humid hot fucking weather and it is driving me into the ground. I have to wait until Cameron and everyone is in bed before I can run tonight, just so I can make sure that Dorian doesn't wake up and get upset that I am not around.
  I honestly think this feeling has hit close to it's highest peak today, and nobody can or is willing to understand why I feel this way. I've got nobody to talk to, nobody that can even BEGIN to understand why I want so badly to run, or why I feel like completely dog shit when I miss a run.

Two Plank Positions Today

   This morning I did the Plank Position for 2 minutes and 10 seconds, and just a few minutes ago I did it again for 2 minutes. I am trying to do the Plank as much as possible today because I don't know if I will be able to do my ab work out. Dorian's 2 month wellness check up was this morning and it kind of screwed up the schedule but I don't mind losing a work out session if it means hearing how perfect my little man is. The doctor said he is in the 20% with his weight, 25% with his height and is overall just beautiful and growing great, he was born at 7 lbs and 3 oz and already at 2 months and 2 weeks old he weighs right around 11 lbs. She said his developmental milestones are coming along nicely, smiling, agooing, agahing, bubble making, his motor skills are smoothing out, he is able to hold his weight on his legs (with support of course), he holds his head very nicely, he is so strong. The only thing he hasn't done yet is laugh, well not the baby laugh everyone thinks of, situations where a baby might normally laugh, he just opens his mouth real wide and smile or stick his tongue out. His eyes speak volume, he doesn't even need to talk to let me know how he feels, his facial expressions are so strong and amazing. At his 4 month check up we will begin his vaccines, 2 at that appointment and then another set at his 6 month appointment, so on and so forth, the vaccines will be spread out over time, mainly 2 vacs at each appointment.
   Tomorrow is going to be in the triple digits, I am so getting my butt out of bed at 4 a.m and running because it will be around 70 degrees then. I don't know if Jump Start will run at 6 p.m, because it will still be like 103 degrees and there is no way I would be out there, no freaking way at all. I am getting tired of this heat, and I honestly don't really mind running by myself. Back when I started running in 2010, I really enjoyed running with the groups and having my MP3 player, but now I find myself enjoying runs by myself and without my music. Strange.............

Another 2 Minute and 30 Second Plank

  Last night I did my Plank Position for 2 minutes and 30 seconds, after running the 2.5 mile run that morning. I am going to keep logging my plank position to keep track of my progress so I can keep an eye on my improvement.
  This morning, I made it to 2 minutes and 10 seconds which still isn't bad. It's pretty good because for the past week or so I have been doing 2 minutes or more, hopefully the next time I am able to make it to 2:30 I will try and go past it and see if I can make it to 3 minutes. 

"No Title"

   This morning I did my 6 sets of 100 Bicycle Crunches, 5 sets of 25 Love Handle Crunches, and 5 sets of 24 Oblique Crunches.  This late afternoon I did the Plank for 2 minutes and 5 seconds, my arms were getting rather tired although I really wanted to get to 2 minutes and 30 seconds but I am just glad that I got to 2 minutes at least. I am seriously thinking of increasing my bicycle crunches or adding another ab work out into the mix, because I just don't feel like I am doing enough.
    This week is going to be hitting the triple digits, except tomorrow is going to be around 86 in the evening. I've decided that I am going to try and get my run in at around 6 a.m tomorrow morning as it will be around 61 degrees and I might do that Thursday, Cameron and Ethan don't leave the house until about 7:30 a.m so I should be able to make it back home in time and Dorian still be asleep. I'll probably put his bottle out to let the breast milk warm up.