A Day about to Go to Shit

   This day actually started off pretty damn well, except for taking Molly to the vet for her surgery, I hate leaving her there and wondering if she thinks I've abandoned her. Not only that shit, but within minutes of running the lathe to finish up the warthogs (about 15 bars to be exact), Ethan comes over with his bullshit "you should wear the glasses the whole time you're out in the shop just in case a piece of chip or something was to go flying"....... first off I have had shit get into my eyes even with glasses on and it only takes me 10 seconds to get from the machine to my office. So, because I ignored him on this, a few minutes later he comes up scolding and commenting on my hoodie sleeves needed to be rolled up otherwise the machine might catch it.......... uh no sorry won't happen, and the hoodie was going to be coming off within the hour anyways as I got warmer. So because I ignore him on this too, he calls his daddy (Cameron) and then gives me the phone. Now I have to wait until Cameron gets back to go get me a long sleeved shirt that is tight enough to where there is no chance it will get caught, wasting 3 or 4 hours that I could be out there finishing up the bars but no the little bitch can't handle being shop floorman without going power crazy and trying to tell EVERYONE what to do. Let's see..... who just about shredded his wrist a while back?? Who has gotten shit in his eyes??? Who has ran the jeep up a fence??? Who has cut his fingers so many times??? Oh I know, the one running around trying to tell everyone else how to be safe and careful! Fuck him, this is why I can't stand working on the floor with that motherfucker, he can't handle being the shop floorman without getting all cocky and trying to tell people what to do. The hoodie was going to be coming off soon anyways, and that machine was not going to "grab" it, I've worn this thing many times out on the floor with no issues but no he gets some hair up his ass suddenly and wants to start bossing me around. The glasses are only going to protect so much, and I still get shit in my eyes, not to mention I can cross that shop floor in less than 15 seconds and have been doing it for a long enough time to know nothing is going to "come flying at me". Now, the whole morning is going to just be wasted, I could've been half way finished with those bars today, now that is going to happen thanks to that little bitch.

Getting So Close

    Today I have hit 33 weeks, I am 7 weeks from the 40 week mark and 4 weeks away from full term (37 weeks). I keep telling myself that as long as he makes it to 37 weeks, he can come out anytime after that. It is hard not to get excited as the days are counting down, I am getting nervous hoping everything goes great and there is no need to go to the hospital. I am getting ready to turn in the registration for Team 13, but I am a little worried on whether I will be able to stick to it this year. Right now I feel the drive and determination, but I can't help and wonder if I'll lose that drive while taking care of this new little bundle of life, because I really want to run the October Half this year. A lot of people are telling me I won't even care about any of that once he arrives, I'll be too in love with Dorian to worry about anything else. I guess the only thing I can do is wait and see what happens, and hope that my life doesn't change completely.

Thirty-Two Weeks Today

   As of today I am right around 8 months pregnant, I went ahead and weighed myself and I am at 155 lbs so I have only gained around 20-21 lbs since finding out I was pregnant at 7 weeks and weighing myself after the Half Marathon at around 14 weeks and still weighing 134 lbs then. I am pretty happy, I know I shouldn't care about weight gain as long as the baby is healthy but I am so happy to know that I have so far stayed within the recommended weight gain for pregnancy! A lot of women don't get to say that, but so far I do and it is a great feeling because I know that I might not have to work so hard to lose a lot of weight after the pregnancy.
  Next Wednesday I go in for my 33 week appointment with Gina, I am just going to keep my fingers crossed that I can make it to 37 weeks because Gina can't deliver me at home if I go into labor earlier than 37 weeks so once I get past that mark I should be good to go anytime afterwards.

Feeling Better than Last Post

   I honestly don't know what I was going through during that last post, but it was really bad and scared me. I haven't felt that since, and I have been getting some runs in so I think that is helping. I will be 32 weeks along tomorrow, I plan on weighing myself although I am scared to - I know that there isn't really anything I can do I shouldn't worry about it but I am. Yesterday I went for a run/walk, a total of 2.08 miles but I probably only ran about .89 miles of it and that was doing 2 min runs and 3 min walks. I am half tempted to do that again today, or at least a 30 minute walk today but I haven't quite decided yet.
   I am feeling Dorian more and more now, he is definitely a mover and very active so hopefully that is a sign of his future.

Having a Mental Breakdown

     I can literally feel myself spiraling down, I can feel it physically and mentally just draining away. This last week has probably been the worse, I can barely get up in the mornings, and these last two mornings have been even more difficult- I get myself up around 6:45 a.m and within 5 or 10 minutes I am already feeling drained and tired. There is no end to this, I am 7 months, one week and one day pregnant - still running machines and I can feel my body breaking down, if something doesn't change I am going to end up on bed rest by 36 weeks and maybe even into preterm labor which will have me at the hospital instead of a home birth. If not, then I will most likely go into labor here at the shop while running a machine, wouldn't surprise me if I end up having Dorian here at the shop. I hate complaining and I really, truly hate feeling weak but I have never dealt with this before and it is just painful. I can go to sleep around 9 or 10 pm and still wake up dead tired at 7 a.m, there is nothing I can possibly do to fix this. I am going to be back at the shop and running machines shortly after Dorian is born, he'll be in the office crying and I'll have to check on him every 5 or 10 minutes, I won't even get the regular 6 weeks break like other women do, I will either be right back at the shop within a week or 2..... or having to run the office out of the house. 
     Honestly, I don't know if I can do this anymore, I don't know how much more I can take and what angers me most is knowing that this stress is hurting my baby, but being out in that shop around that saw and the freaking chemicals isn't helping at all - I am sure something is already fucked up for him and nobody gives a shit but me. I can't believe I honestly thought that I would be off the shop floor around January, I actually thought Cameron would have someone hired in here by now, but obviously that isn't going to happen - I will be out there running a fucking machine all the way up to my due date if I don't end up on bed rest. I have nobody to talk to, no one to vent to except for my journals online - nobody within my knowledge could possibly understand what I am going through right now, they might act like they do but they haven't a fucking clue. I work hard as hell out on the floor, never getting a paycheck, but only to find out I don't even do a good job, 95% of what I have learned in the office has been learned by myself and with so many mistakes, and then the shipping and receiving while learning how to create a system that would function properly 98% of the time by myself with many fucking mistakes.  I came into this knowing NOTHING about any of it, but I am constantly reminded that my duties are irrelevant to the business, that anyone could do any and all the things I have learned to do. Then after being at the shop doing what I can, I have to go home, feed the animals, do the dishes, clean up if I have the energy and fix dinner - with only an hour or 2 before 9:30 p.m - 10:00 p.m then having to get my ass up around 7 a.m to a freezing cold house resetting the furnace and taking a shower, doing dishes again, feeding the cats and waking up Cameron and Ethan who get to wake up to a warm, toasty house. Something is about to give, and it isn't anyone else, only instead of just myself I now have a child growing inside of me and depending on me to take care of him....... I don't know how much more I can take, if I am even strong enough to keep bending. 

I am Such an Idiot

    I am such a stupid fucking idiot, to ever think that he would want to be involved in this. He didn't even want this in the first place, my careless actions threw another burden onto his shoulders and I should be able to understand that there is only so much he wants of this. He was spitting the hints out constantly, and I just ignored them not think anything of it when I should have listened real closely. I had really hoped this would be a girl, so he wouldn't have felt any obligations to having some sort of connection or relationship with her, and maybe I wouldn't have been so bitchy and crazy about stupid child birth classes and trying to get him to come to my appointments with the midwife. I have been so blind and ignorant, naive and obsessing over some strange fantasy that this would bring us closer, that we could go to classes together and he could be involved with this more than just sitting around during the labor. Since I found out it was a boy, I have been so freaked out and scared that he would never love this son like his other sons, that he would never try to have a close relationship like he does with his other sons. This fear has been haunting me since day one of finding out the sex was a boy, I am so scared Dorian won't have much of a relationship with his father. I am so frightened that Cameron won't strive for any kind of connection until Dorian is around 8 or 9 years old.
     Now, thanks to all my fears and insecurities I keep fucking things up between me and Cameron. Stressing him out and forcing him to resent this whole thing and possibly my son. He never wanted this, I am sure he would have been fine with no more kids and I screwed all that up for him.

Feeling Patriotic to my Forefathers

Quotes I feel strongly for:
"To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of people always possess arms, and be taught alike especially when young, how to use them." (Richard Henry Lee, 1788, Initiator of the Declaration of Independence, and member of the first Senate, which passed the Bill of Rights, Walter Bennett, ed., Letters from the Federal Farmer to the Republican, at 21,22,124 (Univ. of Alabama Press,1975)..)


"Are we at last brought to such humiliating and debasing degradation, that we cannot be trusted with arms for our defense? Where is the difference between having our arms in possession and under our direction, and having them under the management of Congress? If our defense be the real object of having those arms, in whose hands can they be trusted with more propriety, or equal safety to us, as in our own hands?" (Patrick Henry, 3 J. Elliot, Debates in the Several State Conventions 45, 2d ed. Philadelphia, 1836)


"Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force. Whenever you give up that force, you are inevitably ruined" (Patrick Henry, 3 J. Elliot, Debates in the Several State Conventions 45, 2d ed. Philadelphia, 1836)


"The strongest reason for people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." -- (Thomas Jefferson)


And the website for future reference.
http://www.uhuh.com/guns/2ndquotes.htm