Having to Accept the Inevitable

  After today's horrible walk with Cameron, I have pretty much come to terms that I am going to have to accept the fact that he won't be apart of any activity or outdoor adventure Dorian and I will have. Granted, 3 miles is nothing to me even when walking it so I might have assumed that it wouldn't be a big deal for him. I was wrong, we didn't even reach 1 mile before he was pissed off and wanting to turn around, the old injury in his foot killing him. Then calling me a bitch, stupid, idiot and everything else for dragging him out there and thinking he would be able to do 3 miles uphills and shit. I did make a couple of mistakes:

1. Assuming he could handle 3 miles
2. Taking him on the route that has some pretty big and steep inclines
3. Kept pushing for 3 miles even when he said his calves and foot was killing him.
4. Asking him to join me on the walk

   Not anymore though, I am done asking him to join me on any of these outings. I have tried to help him, I have tried to advise him on ways to start getting into shape and beginning a healthier lifestyle and he has just ignored me. I could help his injury heal, I could slow down or plan certain days for him and me and Dorian to go for small walks starting with a mile BUT the problem is he rarely wants to do anything, if he isn't in his office chair at work then he is at home in his recliner watching a movie. And it doesn't help that his lazy sons and lazy fat ass daughter tell him that he is fine, that he isn't fat and all that bullshit. I am so fucking sick and tired of their bullshit, they aren't the ones married to him, they aren't having sex with him... I am! I had to hear the threats of divorce and insults when I was fat...ter, and I made changes for him, for me and prove him and everyone else wrong and that I could do it. But I should feel ashamed for feeling that he needs to lose weight, or start getting fit and healthy, or that I am really not turned on by him anymore. He's already weighing between 213-220 lbs, and between 30-38% of that is body fat while I am right around 26-27% body fat, why the fuck should I work my ass off to look good and be healthy while he just sits on his ass eating junk food and doing nothing?

  It's just bullshit, but there is nothing I can do without ruining or hurting my son's future or fighting for custody. I guess I could set up life insurance for when he kills over before Dorian even reaches 10, at least that way we'll be safe and sound because lord knows the business won't survive in Ethan's hands without Cameron there.

It's been 3 Months Since Molly

  Yesterday marked 3 months since Molly passed away, since I lost my best friend. I think about her everyday, remembering her at her best and worse. How she loved running through the woods and being free, her wild spirit that was strong even to the end of her life. No other dog is ever going to come close to her in comparison, no other dog is ever going to take her place.
  I went running on some trails at USI today, and I know she would have loved being out there in the woods. It is still so hard to believe that she is actually gone, she had been a huge part of my life for more than half my life and it is now so empty with her being gone. Dorian has helped a lot though, if he wasn't here I probably would have already done something really stupid and I know Molly knew that which is why she waited until he came into my life. I knew a couple of years ago that Molly wouldn't leave me until she knew there was something else in my life that would keep me here, and when I became pregnant with Dorian I knew her time was close. 
 I just wish I had treated her better in her last year, I wish I had been more patient and understanding of her slowing down. I am always going to wonder if she forgave me, and my heart will always hurt.

Today Kind of Sucked

  To start off a sucky morning, I didn't run my trail race due to exhaustion and my legs still not feeling up to it. I felt pretty crappy about that but I am telling myself it was a good decision not to. Tomorrow morning I hope to go for an easy 4 mile trail run at the USI trails, as long as my legs are feeling okay.
  Then to make the day worse, while giving Dorian a bath he decided to try and drown himself. Not exactly but as he still hasn't figured out that inhaling is not the same as drinking, that is what he did. I had the bathwater a little deeper than I should have, up to his belly button which gave him quicker access to leaning forward and drinking the bath water which he ended up inhaling before I could pull him back up to a sitting position for THIRD time, he started shaking and coughing and I started freaking out. I grabbed him up out of the water and started patting, slapping and thumping his back, I could have sworn he started to turn blue before he finally started breathing normal and stopped coughing. I was shaking then, we were all alone and I was so scared that my little boy was going to drown or suffocate, whatever you want to call it when they're no longer in the water but still dealing with the effects. Luckily he was fine, but from now on the bathwater will be no more than maybe 2-3 inches deep.
  Other than that, things have been okay today. Dorian seems to have issues with getting his diaper changed especially on his back (pretty much the ONLY way to do it), so that is usually a fight, especially if he's got a poopy diaper. I cannot wait until he is potty trained and using a toilet, or until he can understand words and maybe understand when I say no or knock it off.

My Future Goals and what I have already Accomplished

  Sitting here pretty much doing nothing at work, I was just thinking about my goals and list of things to do in my life. I have a wonderful, more than perfect son and a great life and a great husband. My son is beautiful, he is amazing and more than I could have ever imagined or wanted, I still have no idea how I managed to be happy before he existed. Working here at the shop and being able to have him with me, being able to run and do races just makes me feel great. I don't know if I would be able to function at work if he was somewhere else being cared for by someone else.
  So far I have ran 2 Half Marathons and a lot of smaller races, and this year I will be running in possibly 5 Half Marathons along with a few smaller races. 
There isn't really anymore that I can do, I don't know how far Cameron would be willing to travel and there isn't a lot around here. And unfortunately a lot of them are close together on dates but far apart on distance, I am kind of regretting having signed up for the Flying Pig Half Marathon in Ohio, when I should have signed up for the One America 500 Half Marathon instead, up in Indianapolis. I can do that one next year though, other than earning myself 4-5 more finisher's medals this year I really want to increase my weekly mileage to 30-35 by the end of the year without any injuries. 
 It is going to be really hard though, because I will most likely need to add an extra day around November right after the Indy Monumental Half, probably hill or speed work on a treadmill. I am tempted to do it this summer with a couple months between my Half Marathons, but I am not sure if that would be a good idea.

February Almost Over

 This month has gone by so fast, my first race of the year and my little boy's second tooth coming in. He is standing on his own more and more, though for a small amount of time each. It is hard to believe that he is going to be 1 year old in less than 2 months, I am still amazed that almost 12 months have already passed by. He is such an amazing little boy, his personality, his always being in a good mood, just everything about him is amazing. I am excited to keep watching him grow but I already miss him being so little, looking at pictures and videos of him makes my heart melt. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
 Business is doing okay, though I'd like to stay cautious as you never know what could happen the very next day. Taxes are coming up, I've got get our Personals together for Marilyn soon, before February is over with.
 I had originally planned on 4 Half Marathons this year, but I might end up with 5 instead, 2 in October. Now, my Half Marathon race schedule might look like this:
April 7, 2013 - Go! St. Louis Half Marathon
May 5, 2013 - Cincinnati Flying Pig Half Marathon
(maybe) October 6, 2013 - Evansville Half Marathon
October 19, 2013 - 18th Annual Indianapolis Half Marathon
November 2, 2013 - Indianapolis Monumental Half Marathon

Evansville Half Marathon is a maybe only because I don't yet know the exact date, it could either be October 6 or October 13. If it is October 6 then I will register for it as that would give me 2 weeks between the two Half Marathons,  but if it is on October 13, then I won't because that would give me barely a week between and I don't want to test my endurance and stamina like that. Plus the Monumental Half will be 2 weeks after the Annual Indy Half, which means we will be going back up to Indy two weeks after being up there and I know Cameron won't be too thrilled about it. I would really like him to go to all of them, because even though my mom is going to most of them I don't feel that Dorian will be safe enough with her. I would feel better if Cameron was there and watching his son.

Need to Rant

   I have to admit that I am not a health freak, I don't stick 100% to any health guidelines without falling off the wagon occasionally. I try to eat healthy, I try to exercise and live a healthy, active life for myself but most of all to set an example for my son. I have to honestly ask why bother when his husband is 100% the complete opposite, and has no problem encouraging our son to do the same, and he is setting a bad example? 
  My niece and nephew are fast food junkies, and my husband's oldest (adopted) daughter's kids are fast food junkies, they will almost never eat good, wholesome food, or even food cooked at home unless it is pizza, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, chicken nuggets/wings, or anything else that isn't very healthy. I hate it and I really do not want my son growing up like that, all I hear from those kids is "I want McDonald's, I want Hardees, I want blah blah blah", never anything like Subway or a home cooked meal.
 Cameron is constantly snacking and eating while watching movies, he isn't active and he won't go on walks with me ever, granted it is cold and I don't take Dorian for walks right now but even when it is warm weather he will not go. He insists that this is his relaxation when he isn't at work, even though he is sitting in a chair at work all day in front of a computer. I am so sick of this, I want to set an example for my son, a healthy example and help ensure that he doesn't have to deal with obesity or unhealthy eating habits as much as possible, but no matter how many steps I take forward, I feel myself thrown a hundred steps back thanks to Cameron.
 I know Dorian is only about 10 months old, that he is still growing and that things can't be for certain yet but I am seriously concerned and angry that Cameron doesn't give a crap about it. Cameron eats fast food for lunch, he is constantly drinking soft drinks and never anything else, I don't buy soft drinks at home but he brings them from work. He eats those nasty beef sticks and is always eating chips and popcorn, and is already giving Dorian pieces of popcorn, I know he will be giving him pieces of beef sticks, chips and everything else once Dorian can chew and swallow and has all his teeth. This just infuriates me!!!!

Cannot Get off This Weight Plateau

  Around October right at the Half Marathon I was weighing about 140-141 lbs and was excited thinking that soon I would be breaking below 140. Unfortunately after the Half Marathon I had to slow my running back down, and then came the holidays and all the eating. Since December I have been stuck at around 143-144 lbs and I can't seem to shake the 3 lbs, it is driving me crazy. I look in the mirror and I don't really notice any difference to October but the scale says so. I have been on this salad diet now for about 2 weeks, trying to stick to under 1,700 calories unless I run then I will aim for 1,900 calories. I was really hoping to be around 134 lbs by the time the St. Louis Half in April but it doesn't look like it is going to happen. Oh well.