While on the phone with my mom, talking about a few things and her watching Dorian tomorrow and Friday she told me that she was going to start Zumba classes next week. Good for her, except that sucks for me. Those classes are on Tuesdays and Thursdays, two of the days that I run during the week. Basically the only days she will be watching him now are Fridays and maybe Sundays during my long run (if that one at all). It sucks, I hate feeling a little mad at her for doing this but I know she wants to get into something to get healthy and I am happy for her, but now this completely screws me up. I only really have her or Cameron to watch him, and Cameron is busy like everyday except for maybe the weekend. If I wait until Cameron gets home on those nights, it will be 10-11 p.m before I even get my run in and I don't want to run that late all the time and on the same route. If I was to try and get out and run around 5:30 a.m after getting Dorian back to sleep, he could wake up and then wake Cameron up who would be extremely pissed off at me. The more and more I think about it, but more angry I get. I don't trust other people and I really don't feel comfortable looking for a babysitter.... I am very picky of who influences my son,and he is becoming very needy and attached to me here lately.
I think I might have to end up buying a treadmill, Ethan should be moving out soon, hopefully before Spring so then I could have the treadmill in his old room. My grandma has a treadmill (I think), maybe I could go there with Dorian and she could watch him while I run........... but he would have to start getting used to her because I don't know how well he would do.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
There Might be a Chance!
I purchased these super absorbent diapers for Dorian, there supposed to be for night time sleep. Last night he fell asleep at 7, but I decided to wake him up around 9 so I could run to the store and get bacon for breakfast. He had his last feeding at almost midnight, I then put an absorbent diaper on him and he eventually fell asleep around 12:30. Other than me waking up to go to the restroom around whatever time, he didn't wake up. I woke him up at 7 a.m, fed him and then he went back to sleep. It is now 8:26 a.m and he is still asleep, and it has me really excited. I think that if this isn't just a coincidence and the diapers are what help, I might be able to actually go to the gym in the morning!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
So Much Going on in 2013
It is hard to be able to sit back and watch my son grow when the threat of a dictatorship is looming over my country, the thought of something happening to my son has me in such a state of fear I sometimes can't sleep. I try to enjoy every moment with him, I try to enjoy watching his personality begin to shine through while also looking back on the last 9 months. It is hard to be 100% happy when everything could be taken away from us in an instant, all because of greed for power and control.
On another note, I also have 4 half marathons this year along with smaller races so I am trying to think about them too. My mileage is climbing but my weight is either sticking around 143 and I can also see my gut/stomach sticking out. It is aggravating to not be losing weight, and not know what to do to get off this plateau that I have been stuck on.
The business is doing really well right now, mainly because people are worried about Obama's gun ban that is coming up, I am so sick of this pompous baboon people call our president but I am honestly sick of the government period. Why could I have lived during one of our first 20 presidents???
On another note, I also have 4 half marathons this year along with smaller races so I am trying to think about them too. My mileage is climbing but my weight is either sticking around 143 and I can also see my gut/stomach sticking out. It is aggravating to not be losing weight, and not know what to do to get off this plateau that I have been stuck on.
The business is doing really well right now, mainly because people are worried about Obama's gun ban that is coming up, I am so sick of this pompous baboon people call our president but I am honestly sick of the government period. Why could I have lived during one of our first 20 presidents???
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Right back to Chaos
Cameron left to Kansas Friday afternoon for some stupid van for the band, and Dorian actually slept peacefully Friday night and was excellent all day Saturday. Cameron gets back around 11:30 Saturday night, starts getting ready for bed around 1 a.m and Dorian wakes up screaming and crying with nothing calming him or soothing him. I just don't fucking get what the issue is, and then to make matters worse Booger pukes in the living room and I've got horrible gas so Cameron's got to comment on that. The guy he bought the van from is a complete player who apparently dates porn stars and whores, showing Cameron pictures of these bitches and allowing Cameron to sleep at one of the many houses he is selling.... God only knows what went on that I'll never know about. I don't freaking feel good, I don't remember bringing Dorian into bed with me and I have no idea why he is behaving like this especially after Friday night going so well. I am pretty much going to be up all morning ( it is 2:00 a.m now) just so Cameron can get his sleep since he's been driving since noon Saturday and hasn't had any real sleep since Thursday night. Mainly because I don't want to hear his comments each time Dorian will wake up and cry, so I am most likely going to just fall asleep on the couch or just stay up all night.
I have to run 8 miles at some point today, there's a chance things are going to be iced over and the temps aren't going to really go above 30 but I am already used to that. I'll have mom watch him and probably do it around 2 p.m, hopefully I'll have slept a little by then.
I have to run 8 miles at some point today, there's a chance things are going to be iced over and the temps aren't going to really go above 30 but I am already used to that. I'll have mom watch him and probably do it around 2 p.m, hopefully I'll have slept a little by then.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Oh the life
The world did not end, go figure so I get to watch my son grow up a little more thank God. Christmas was fine, didn't spend too much though Cameron gave a $100 each to his 3 kids so there went $300 but oh well it's Christmas and I got the lens I wanted and a few other items for my camera gear recently so I am fine with it. My little boy enjoyed his first Christmas and being around everyone and so did I, my grandfather did well in his surgery last Friday so now he can go to the bathroom without any problems. My runs have been going well though I cannot seem to get below 140 lbs, but hopefully after the New Year and all the tasty snacks are gone I can actually start to lose more weight.
Cameron wants to spend money and get a van and trailer for his band, he wants to start doing shows again because "that is the only break he'll get from the shop and business", I hope my sarcasm and skepticism is obvious because that is how I feel. There is more to life than the shop, or sitting in his recliner on his off days or doing shows getting out there in front of drunk, skanky chicks which is the main drive for the majority of them, and probably the only way he'll get back in to shape if he does decide to. It's pretty sad that it'll take other women to encourage my own husband to get back into shape, not me. He's a complete attention ham, he's just got to be in the spotlight and entertaining or performing. Well, maybe there'll be more people to watch around Spring or Summer next year, once the boys' friends will be turning 21 (as will the skanks they know) and they'll be able to to come out to the bars.
I am going to try and not worry about any of it though, I mean there is nothing I can do and I don't really want to worry over my insecurities. I have many races next year to train for, I have my son's 1st birthday coming up in less than 4 months and he is growing up so fast. Watching him grow has been amazing, the first time our eyes met, his first smiles, coos and crawling. His first bath, his first time with solid food, everything. He means more to me than whatever could possibly be going on elsewhere.
Cameron wants to spend money and get a van and trailer for his band, he wants to start doing shows again because "that is the only break he'll get from the shop and business", I hope my sarcasm and skepticism is obvious because that is how I feel. There is more to life than the shop, or sitting in his recliner on his off days or doing shows getting out there in front of drunk, skanky chicks which is the main drive for the majority of them, and probably the only way he'll get back in to shape if he does decide to. It's pretty sad that it'll take other women to encourage my own husband to get back into shape, not me. He's a complete attention ham, he's just got to be in the spotlight and entertaining or performing. Well, maybe there'll be more people to watch around Spring or Summer next year, once the boys' friends will be turning 21 (as will the skanks they know) and they'll be able to to come out to the bars.
I am going to try and not worry about any of it though, I mean there is nothing I can do and I don't really want to worry over my insecurities. I have many races next year to train for, I have my son's 1st birthday coming up in less than 4 months and he is growing up so fast. Watching him grow has been amazing, the first time our eyes met, his first smiles, coos and crawling. His first bath, his first time with solid food, everything. He means more to me than whatever could possibly be going on elsewhere.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
I Will See You Again
Thirteen years just didn't seem long enough, I feel cheated and that you were taken from me too soon. But part of me knows you aren't really gone, just your body while your spirit is still by my side.... ready for another one of our adventures.
How great they all were, every one of them and I just lose count trying to think about it. You went everywhere with me, did so much with me and I was able to live a life I could never live through you. Watching you race through the woods, splashing in the water and chasing whatever animal you could get close enough, you were so free and so happy.
That intense gaze of your's will forever burn in my soul, every time you would look at me, you knew what I really wanted even when I denied it and you wouldn't leave me alone until I gave in. You knew how badly I wanted to go out in the woods, out for an aimless drive in the countryside just to see where we'd end up, you knew it and wanted it just as much.
After a few years and so many months of praying for a dog like you, a dog that wouldn't quit, that was willing to run forever.. God blessed me with you, he answered my prayers and in a way gave me my twin in a canine form. My better, wild half is, was and will always be you.
I remember that day, that very first day our eyes met. My brother was riding down a porch on his bike, as I stood on the road in my roller blades watching him, I felt a pair eyes just watching me and so I searched and there you were. Sitting in a driveway just watching me so intently, so content you had found your kindred spirit and you weren't going anywhere. It was history from that point on, history that would not have been made without you.
God gave me you, gave me an angel to keep watch over me when times became too dark for me to see, there were so many moments I was ready to give up but you were always there by my side reminding that there is much more in life than what's in front of me and you were right. Thanks to you, saving my life so many times in ways some just can't understand, I have been blessed with another angel in my life.
I knew your time here was crucial, and I knew you wouldn't leave me until you knew in your heart that I could survive through your death, I knew it years ago and I could see it in your eyes when he was born. It was only a matter of time before I would have to say goodbye to you, before you were sure that I would be okay. I can't begin to thank you enough, I can't begin to tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me but I hope that you knew this all along. Molly you were truly something special, a guardian angel that stories are written about, you touched so many hearts and you memories will remain with us.
I will not say goodbye, but I wish you well and I hope you are in a place where the woods are endless, the fields are full of animals to chase and you will never feel tired again. Molly I will see you again, in eternity.
How great they all were, every one of them and I just lose count trying to think about it. You went everywhere with me, did so much with me and I was able to live a life I could never live through you. Watching you race through the woods, splashing in the water and chasing whatever animal you could get close enough, you were so free and so happy.
That intense gaze of your's will forever burn in my soul, every time you would look at me, you knew what I really wanted even when I denied it and you wouldn't leave me alone until I gave in. You knew how badly I wanted to go out in the woods, out for an aimless drive in the countryside just to see where we'd end up, you knew it and wanted it just as much.
After a few years and so many months of praying for a dog like you, a dog that wouldn't quit, that was willing to run forever.. God blessed me with you, he answered my prayers and in a way gave me my twin in a canine form. My better, wild half is, was and will always be you.
I remember that day, that very first day our eyes met. My brother was riding down a porch on his bike, as I stood on the road in my roller blades watching him, I felt a pair eyes just watching me and so I searched and there you were. Sitting in a driveway just watching me so intently, so content you had found your kindred spirit and you weren't going anywhere. It was history from that point on, history that would not have been made without you.
God gave me you, gave me an angel to keep watch over me when times became too dark for me to see, there were so many moments I was ready to give up but you were always there by my side reminding that there is much more in life than what's in front of me and you were right. Thanks to you, saving my life so many times in ways some just can't understand, I have been blessed with another angel in my life.
I knew your time here was crucial, and I knew you wouldn't leave me until you knew in your heart that I could survive through your death, I knew it years ago and I could see it in your eyes when he was born. It was only a matter of time before I would have to say goodbye to you, before you were sure that I would be okay. I can't begin to thank you enough, I can't begin to tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me but I hope that you knew this all along. Molly you were truly something special, a guardian angel that stories are written about, you touched so many hearts and you memories will remain with us.
I will not say goodbye, but I wish you well and I hope you are in a place where the woods are endless, the fields are full of animals to chase and you will never feel tired again. Molly I will see you again, in eternity.
Molly's Passing
At around 2:00 a.m this morning Molly finally passed away, and she did it at home. She was getting so bad Thursday that I thought I was going to wake up to her gone Friday, but she kept hanging on. I think she knew Cameron and I had made the decision final to take her in Monday and she was determined not to go like that. Molly had so much fight in her, she might have been a mutt breed but her heart and soul was all Siberian Husky and she was determined to do it her way. The last two times we thought we were going to have to put her down, she would perk up immediately and I thought maybe she was just going through some rough time but now I know she was just determined not to be taken in and put down in a cold room, in a place she hasn't had the greatest memories in over the past few months.
It still doesn't feel real, I just don't want to believe that she is gone. I was almost 12 years old when she found me, she was 7 months old, back in '99 and for 13 years she had been by my side, on adventure after adventure, I always made sure to buy the best food for her, buying treats that were healthy and wholesome and I always made sure that she had her annual visits to the vet, and ones when she was having trouble. She got to be a real dog, a real husky running around in the woods on an almost daily basis. My husband used to call her 4 Wheel Drive, back where we used to live, there were these 90 degree angle hills, might have well been walls of dirt that she would just run up with no effort, she made it look so easy. Where ever she is, I hope she is running through the woods and splashing in the water, I hope she has all the dead things to roll in and it is a perfectly cool temperature for her. She deserves the best, she was the greatest dog for me, she was awesome and unforgettable.
I don't know how I am going to do this, but I've got to be strong for Dorian, Molly would have wanted me strong and determined.
Rest in Peace Molly
Born November of 1998
Passed Away December 02, 2012
It still doesn't feel real, I just don't want to believe that she is gone. I was almost 12 years old when she found me, she was 7 months old, back in '99 and for 13 years she had been by my side, on adventure after adventure, I always made sure to buy the best food for her, buying treats that were healthy and wholesome and I always made sure that she had her annual visits to the vet, and ones when she was having trouble. She got to be a real dog, a real husky running around in the woods on an almost daily basis. My husband used to call her 4 Wheel Drive, back where we used to live, there were these 90 degree angle hills, might have well been walls of dirt that she would just run up with no effort, she made it look so easy. Where ever she is, I hope she is running through the woods and splashing in the water, I hope she has all the dead things to roll in and it is a perfectly cool temperature for her. She deserves the best, she was the greatest dog for me, she was awesome and unforgettable.
I don't know how I am going to do this, but I've got to be strong for Dorian, Molly would have wanted me strong and determined.
Rest in Peace Molly
Born November of 1998
Passed Away December 02, 2012
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